I'm struggling a bit today. Yesterday W went to work and left her email up on my computer. After months of not snooping, I looked at her draft folder....I'm not sure why, but I am always interested in the drafts. Of course, something in the drafts looked incriminating so I continued digging.
Unfortunately, and this is half the reason snooping is so bad for you, I found some emails to OM talking of running off to New Orleans for mardi gras in Jan and some other emails asking him "what can I have?", "is everything monitored?" and "you know what and who you want." I assume OM's W is checking all his communications as she had previously separated from him because of his R with my W.
Previously, I had kinda figured OM decided to work on his own M and my W pursued, and that's kinda what the emails seem to indicate. This was all 6-8 weeks ago, but she is still sending him texts and emails regularly that aren't work related. Nothing incriminating, but it seems now that there's "monitoring" everything is a bit cryptic.
That fight we got a couple of weeks were I was bad mouthing OM, makes more sense now as I think she's probably mourning the relationship. She even sent him an email that night comparing how she felt to an episiotomy (see what I mean about cryptic?).
I also found something related to our financials that looks like she may be hiding money from me, so that's worrisome too.
When W returned home, she could see that I was upset and asked me about it. After repeatedly being asked about it, I did say I was upset, but didn't want to discuss it. She continued to press and asked why I didn't want to talk about it. At this point I said "You're a liar, and I don't want to talk about it because you'll just tell me more lies, and I'm not willing to go down that path."
I had an outing with some friends last night and spent the night. When I got home this morning she asked me if I wanted to talk about it yet and if I was still mad. I simply said, no, I don't want to discuss it right now and "mad" doesn't come close to describing what I'm feeling.
So here I am....lost about what to do, where to go, and how to react. On one hand, I really want to say "I will not stay in this M and continue to pretend everything's fine. No contact with OM is mandatory for me to move forward."
On the other hand, my DB coach basically told me to not worry about OM and continue to enjoy our time together (which is what I have been doing for a few months now with great success).
I want my M to work and I was willing to do anything to keep it together. But now, I realize that I'm not willing to sacrifice my values and my feelings for eternity to stay in this.
I've pulled back quite a bit in the last few days. There isn't any tension, and we're still functioning as a family just fine. I haven't been spending the evenings with W and have pretty much cut off anything physical for the time being.
I'm trying to schedule another DB Coaching session to get some advice on the OM situation. I think she'll probably say the same thing, but I guess I need the pep talk to feel right about it.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about W's R with OM and some of the things she's said to me. It's a bit of mind reading, but it does help me see her perspective. Comments about "I don't think I can love you the way you deserve" and "someone new will love you differently." I think that she's comparing how she felt with OM to how she feels about me, and honestly, I can see how she might feel that way. Since she never did run off with OM, she only really experienced that initial "this is awesome" part of the relationship. I think her fantasy of what her R with OM was like is still there and our M gets compared to it.
It also makes sense that me talking bad about OM would upset her, as she's still mourning that R.
Last night I was thinking about what I thought a good M would look like, and I ended up going back to the foundations we discussed in retrouv....love, trust, commitment, & forgiveness. This stings because of these, we really only have love. We don't trust each other, and W refuses to commit to our M and refuses to forgive me for anything I've done. So I ask myself, how can our M ever recover?
SS told Regret today:
Originally Posted By: scaredsilly
Your H knows you are there if he wants you. He doesn't have to work on it.
That's kinda hit me in the stomach. My W knows I'll always be here, she knows I want our M to work more than anything. So why would she stop talking to OM? Why would she commit to our M?
I think I mentioned that a couple of weeks ago we went to my nephew's (W's side) b-day party. My W's entire family ignored me. My MIL's live in BF of 12 years went so far as to be rude.
I've been conflicted about it, because on one hand, I don't want to allow them to control what I think I should do, but on the other, I don't know why I should subject myself to that.
I was talking to W yesterday and she said she got our niece's bday present for this weekend, but she was just going to drop it off and not go to the party this time because of how they treated me. This is really a 180 for her....normally she'd just take the kids and leave me. So this is immensely positive in my mind.
So I guess to that point, maybe I haven't given the current state enough time....patience.
Well, we did have the talk last night. I wanted to get my coaching in first, but I was impatient....bad choice.
Ultimately, W did agree that it was disrespectful for her to continue her R with OM and said something to the effect that it was difficult to just let him go completely. She also said she didn't really care about my feelings and reiterated that when she said she wanted D, she was and still is mentally done with our M.
There was some productive topics in there, but she she reiterated she wanted D multiple times and in all honestly, I pushed her a few times when I shouldn't have. We've all read that you don't give ultimatums unless you are willing to live with the consequences.
At the end, I asked if we could agree to be honest and respectful of each other until we were indeed divorced, and she agreed. As part of that, I asked that she not talk about OM at our home, nor continue to socially communicate with him at home. She agreed.
To get agreement that talking to OM is disrespectful and won't occur in our house sounds like movement in the right direction....but then she went and got D papers this morning and brought them home for signature, so my impatience has appeared to implode all the progress made to date. She hasn't actually given them to me yet, but I'm sure she will this afternoon when she gets home.
My DB coaching is tomorrow morning, so hopefully some good advice will come out of that. As much progress as I've made on myself, I still seem to be falling short when it counts. I'm really sad right now....it is tough to not feel like a failure. I know the war's not over, but I definitely lost this battle.
And with that, I think I'm moving to a new chapter so I'm going to close out this thread and start a new one in the newcomers section.
Big thanks to Mach1 for all the help he provided during this, the beginning of my self discovery journey, as well as everyone else who has commented on my thread and given advice. I feel like a much better person now than when I started, but I realize there's still a long road to travel.
Just back away and take some time now, to let the dust settle down.
Nothing has to happen quickly, and nothing is going to change overnight.
You have come a long way, and although you feel as though you still have a long way to go, you will get there, in time.
Take what you have learned, and apply it towards your life, and the things that you want out of life.
Remember that list of qualities that you made ?
Show those to the world everyday, regardless of what adversity you may be facing. Do it, not because you are trying to induce a reaction, do it regardless of the reaction.
Nothing is ever really over until you make the choice for it to be over. Do what is right for you and your children, and let the rest, fall where it may.
Thanks Mach1. You seem to pop in just at the right times. Great advice as always
I had a good coaching session and came up with a plan of action going forward for the next few months. I'm back to "enjoy every moment" but I've drawn a boundary with regards to OM and if W steps on it, I will call her out on it.
I honestly expect the next few months to be the best of my M, regardless of whether W continues down the path of D or not. If she feels like she needs D to feel free, or to be herself, or whatever, I will support her, but that doesn't change who I am, or who I want to be.
