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Hi. I just found this board a few days ago. I wish I would have found it sooner.


But here's my story. Married for just under 2 years. Have a 4 years old son and 15 month old daughter. My wife suffers from manic depression. Has had issues off and on and has beeen going to individual C. After our daughter was born say about mid summer I fell into depression for the first time too. I was having a hard time putting her down giving her bottles and anything that was party of the day to day routine. She just wouldn't do it with me with out crying. It just started to get to me. I felt like a failure. But I tried and tired every day. Which only made me worse. We started withdrawing from each other and fighting more and more. I got to the point that I was storming out of the house during the fights. She told me in march that she was done. Couldn't take my storming out and says that I wasn't supporting her and her depression as well as some other small things. Basically she has come to the decision that I'm not the one.

Since then I have been getting treated for my depression and am taking meds for it. Up until this week we have been living in the same house and just trying to avoid each other. at the start I made the mistake of breaking the 37 rules. And she found any excuse to attempt to pick a fight. We had a few great moments in the last while fun and laughing but generally it only happens on her terms. . This week we have started nesting with the kids. The schedule goes with my shifts. I work 12h shifts. So we switch every 2 or 3 days. It seems that the tensions have cooled that last few days with us apart. I want everything to work out for us. And I don't ever want to give up on our marriage and family.

First. Her birthday is next week . It's supposed to be my days with the kids so I asked her to come over for dinner and cake. She turned it down suggesting that we meet with the kids for dinner somwhere else. My reason for her spending the evening at the house was to make it easier on the kids. My son is having a hard time with her not around. So coming home after dinner would be very hard. She said the only way She would come home is if I wasn't there. My son also has soccer that day too so may be a easy time out and just go for ice cream after. So I'm worndering what the best approach is for the
day? Also I'm thinking of some small gifts from the kids for her too but should I? Or is that too much.

Next. Any suggestions of stuff to do during the nesting phase to get her to see the good in us? I'm planning on just being the best dad I can be and do everything I can to keep the house clean and together so she doesn't have to during her days there. As well as picking up my son from school on the way to work. We have a nanny part time. But was thinking just by some fresh flowers to have on the kitchen table in a vase. Not so much for her but to brighten up the house. As well a note just telling her about the last few days with the kids.

Any tips would help.
Thanks.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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I'll be sure to read all the links. I just picked up divorce busting and will be reading it tonight at work.

Our 2 year anniversary would have/is in 2 weeks. Just wondering if I should be trying to do something to mark the day or is that pushing 2 much?

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Originally Posted By: Outdoor


First. Her birthday is next week . It's supposed to be my days with the kids so I asked her to come over for dinner and cake. She turned it down suggesting that we meet with the kids for dinner somwhere else. My reason for her spending the evening at the house was to make it easier on the kids. My son is having a hard time with her not around. So coming home after dinner would be very hard. She said the only way She would come home is if I wasn't there. My son also has soccer that day too so may be a easy time out and just go for ice cream after. So I'm worndering what the best approach is for the
day? Also I'm thinking of some small gifts from the kids for her too but should I? Or is that too much.

Next. Any suggestions of stuff to do during the nesting phase to get her to see the good in us? I'm planning on just being the best dad I can be and do everything I can to keep the house clean and together so she doesn't have to during her days there. As well as picking up my son from school on the way to work. We have a nanny part time. But was thinking just by some fresh flowers to have on the kitchen table in a vase. Not so much for her but to brighten up the house. As well a note just telling her about the last few days with the kids.

Any tips would help.
Thanks.


Hello ,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It's hard to know the best course of action regarding special occasions like birthdays and your wedding anniversary.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Quote:
First. Her birthday is next week . It's supposed to be my days with the kids so I asked her to come over for dinner and cake. She turned it down suggesting that we meet with the kids for dinner somwhere else. My reason for her spending the evening at the house was to make it easier on the kids. My son is having a hard time with her not around. So coming home after dinner would be very hard. She said the only way She would come home is if I wasn't there. My son also has soccer that day too so may be a easy time out and just go for ice cream after. So I'm worndering what the best approach is for the


You are putting waaaaay too much time into thinking what you can do for her birthday. She doesn't want to be with you. The best thing you can do is to give her a picture of what life without you would be.

You can call it a gift from the kids.....and anything else you want, but the truth is you want to nice her back, and it does not work. Do not pursue! That's the best advice (and shortest) I can give at this time. Do not pursue her!

The LBS's may tell you to get a card, etc. As a former WW, I am telling you to leave her alone on holidays and special events. She wants out, so show her how it will look.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks for the advice sandi2. I also did think of just letting the day pass. But I wanted to make sure i setting a good example for my son.

I think I will just go with soccer for the night and let her make the choice if she wants to come.

Mother's Day I did have my son make a card for her and had my daughter do some hand prints. I though keeping it simple would be best. But I think your right. Let her go and see what life is like with being separated.

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So this weekend is officially my first weekend of nesting. And so far it's been very emotional. But I have lots of fun planed to keep us busy.



I was wondering if anyone has any thoughts or experiences with if posting on social media is useful with the WAW. I don't want to come off as pursuing my wAW and I know that texting is too much. But wondering if it would do much to show her the happy times she isn't involved with now by Facebook posts. Thing is I haven't used Facebook book in a few years but I recently reactivated my account. To get back in touch with some old friends. Since this has all started I have been taking a lot of pics. More then normal not only for my self but just in case I need it in the future for the time spent together.

Thanks for any advice.

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Outdoor,

I see nothing wrong with you posting up pictures on FB or IG of you GAL. Even use the locator on there to let folks know where your at. Just don't ever tag your W to those photos. If your friends on FB she'll see the photos on your timeline.


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Here's the thing about setting an example for your son. He is only four, so if he should ask about getting his mom a gift.........then turn him lose with paper, crayons, scissors, and paste. He can make whatever his imagination leads him to do. She will keep it forever as a keepsake from her four year old.

There have been many H's in your shoes who feel compelled to get something or do something to recognize holidays and special events for his W. Partly b/c he has been trained to do it. Partly b/c his heart is broken and he wants to reach out to her.........for whatever reason he can use to do it. Since hearing what your W had to say on the matter, I suggest you lay low and do nothing for her birthday. Your little boy can draw a picture and write his name and date. That's a birthday card all mothers cherish. If he wants to make one from baby sister, that's fine too. The less involved she thinks you were, the better.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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