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I think you should confront her about the affair. A MC can't fix that. Maybe if your W WANTED to be done with it, the MC could help guide you through some steps to begin to get there. But it sounds like your W is still in the full blown affair with no intentions of "exploring the marriage" with you.
For you to be able to look back on this and be proud of the man you are, you need to man up and let her know her game is over. She doesn't have to know HOW you know the affair is still going on. She has no right to know that. If you are calm and confident, and just say, I know it's going on, then present the consequences (whatever they are- separation, etc.), you do not have to disclose the source of your information. Plus, even if she thinks it's due to your "spying", how much worse can this get? So she decides you are spying on her. So what? That's not nearly as big a crime as her sleeping with OM while still living under your roof.
Put your foot down. This is disrespectful to you, at a minimum.


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S 1/1/17

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Glennon Doyle Melton

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hoosjim Offline OP
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The hits keep coming. Now she wants to drive her bff home on Friday night (bff lives about an hour and 15 mins from here) because "she's taking the train up here to work so her kids at home (she has teenagers) can have a car while she is away." Okay, so why can't bff (who I know by this time to be a primary liaison and enabler in my wife's A) just take the train back like she took it up instead of asking her friend to drive a total of two and a half hours? Silence.

Unspoken answer: Because then we can't stop on the way and have a rendezvous with my sweetie the OM. Like we did last Friday.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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Really not sure I can wait until next Friday (MC sessions) before doing something. DB coach thought my W was leaving an opening and that it was worth exploring and that I should avoid confronting her until after that just to see if anything came of the sessions. Also advised I just "stop looking/snooping" until then and, if she went out with bff to just act as if i did NOT know what was going on. (i actually DO know what is going on since the NC promise, but W does not know that I know.)

While working out at gym last night and listening to a very inspiring online sermon from my church, I thought about how good and empowering it would feel to just say "enough! It's over! Go!" I think it would beet this constant pain and near helplessness.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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So, my W saw the OM twice on Friday-- dinner before her drive to "take bff home" and then went by bar to see OM on way back. She also re-procured the "cheater phone" from her bff who had originally supplied it. Coming to find out that the bff is not only wayward herself but like SUPER wayward. Contact with OM seems to be escalating since the brief respite following her NC promise. My choices: Go ahead and confront her now and say "we're splitting I think you should find your own place" or wait until counselling sessions on Friday and hope for miracle and, if she doesn't come clean or otherwise seem engaged there then drop the bomb afterward. See above few posts is you want background on the whole counselling dynamic here.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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The question I have is does the WW friend H know what she is up to? If not it might be time to let him know what his W is all about. As long as that friend is in the picture, then you'll never be able to solve the problems between you and your W. Whether you confront W now or at MC. You need to split from her regardless. Looks like she's spent more time sneaking around with OM than actually committing to NC. At this point, its time for her to see yourself losing everything.


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What do you have to lose by waiting 6 more days? Frankly, I see nothing you will gain by confronting her. I still say the thing that is eating at you is that she doesn't know you are aware of her activities. You want her to know she has not pulled anything over on you. Well what good will it do? Unless you are ready to end the M right now........what is the point of confronting her?

The BFF is a major enabler, which makes reconciliation more complex. She needs to break contact with the BFF, but that will be as difficult (maybe more)as breaking up with OM. An outsider (like the counselor) has a better chance at getting your W to really see how the BFF is assisting the ruin of the M. Since the C wants to wait until the second session, it means you have to leave the timing up to her (the counselor).

Please stop snooping, b/c it is driving you to react out of emotions.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Yeah, youre probably right, I just worry that my W's narrative is going to be "no contact? No problem! We're already doing THAT." Of course, since she doesn't know i know, it will make it easier to check up on her in the future, but I'd rather not have to, obviously. I just feel like I should have SOMETHING to say even if only in the counselling session. My W DID show me her facebook page yesterday and the day before and BOTH times on her "Facebook Direct" line at the top the OM's name and avatar were the FIRST ones on that line which is based on number of hits/clicks, I believe. Can't believe she missed that but, as I have said here repeatedly, she is REALLY ineffective when it comes to lying and hiding things. (FWIW I had an individual session with this MC on Friday and she advised me just to wait and not do anything in the interim to "scare her (my W) off" since she did seem oddly willing to come in.)

Yeah, youre probably right (and FWIW I had an individual session with this MC on Friday and she advised me just to wait and not do anything in the interim to "scare her (my W) off" since she (W) did seem oddly willing to come in.) I just worry that my W's narrative is going to be "no contact? No problem! We're already doing THAT." Of course, since she doesn't know i know, it will make it easier to check up on her in the future, but I'd rather not have to, obviously. I just feel like I should have SOMETHING to say even if only in the counselling session to indicate that more needs to be done to limit contact. My W DID show me her facebook page yesterday and the day before and BOTH times on her "Facebook Direct" line at the top the OM's name and avatar were the FIRST ones on that line which is based on number of hits/clicks, I believe. Can't believe she missed that but, as I have said here repeatedly, she is REALLY ineffective when it comes to lying and hiding things. At any rate, that IS something, if it comes to it, that I could reveal that I know about her activities without HER knowing that I am snooping. Just... MAN this [censored].

At least the one thing I do know that provides a crumb of solace to my soul is that the A does not appear to be (yet) a full on steamy passionate physical one (though does seem as if it will ultimately head that way) OM just is not... a, ummm.. "threatening" rival. Redneck. Dead end job. Habitual drunkard. Looks old enough to be her father (and no, he's not rich) Not at all bright. But... in the right place at the right time and armed with LOTS of inside info about my W's vulnerabilities provided by ME. Honestly can't believe I may be losing my wife to him. OTOH, the BFF is HUGE problem and major overlay to the situation. Definitely wayward herself (recently separated from my own best friend after having had an affair with ANOTHER of our friends) and DEFINITELY cheerleading my wife in the direction of not only this A but also in the direction of this "liberating, fun, fulfilling" lifestyle. I honestly fear her (BFF) far more than I fear my W's current AP in terms of obstacles to restoring my MR.

Last edited by Cadet; 05/29/17 04:58 PM. Reason: Combine posts

H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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Quote:
I just worry that my W's narrative is going to be "no contact? No problem! We're already doing THAT."


Did the C tell you to rely on her (the C) in directing the sessions? I mean, what if you jump in about the affair before the C is ready to go there with your W? Right now, you are completely focused on the affair, so it may be difficult for you to not immediately go into the subject of OM, NC, etc.

When the C told you it would be the second session before she discussed the A, was she referring to the second part of the four intensive sessions that first day........or the one two weeks later?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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hoosjim Offline OP
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C told me in so many words to follow her lead. Didn't think full confrontation at this point from me would help. Thought it MIGHT help to hear it from a neutral third party (of course my wife is likely to deny any recent contact, so, good luck with that). Also C basically said she would be "going there" at some point on Friday, that it would involve some sort of "no contact" promise (we know how THAT's going already) and recommendation for transparency, that SOME degree of snooping/monitoring by me would probably to be expected under the circumstances but that if any "contact" issues came up that she usually advised her patients/clients to bring them to her first rather than slug it out on their own.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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Doing alot of thinking, praying, and reflecting tonight. While working out, I also listened to a couple of older sermons from my church I recently started attending. That combo is always good therapy for me. Had an epiphany or too. I know not everyone here is a "Believer", but I am a devout Christian, and I truly believe God has been trying to tell me something, and the two sermons tonight cemented it. I am putting it all in His hands for the next week. Every fiber of me screams I should be doing SOMETHING. Certain common sense (and some posters here, who make a lot of sense) seems to indicate I should confront my W on some level. The situation, honestly, IMHO, seems pretty hopeless. But God does "hopeless" pretty well. Maybe He doesn't want my marriage to this woman to work out, but I know he wants the best for me and that he has something great planned for my life, if I am willing to follow His instructions, and right now his instructions to me, both directly and indirectly, seem pretty clearly to be "step back, stop monitoring, and let this play out. Stop trying so hard to change things on your own." This, i am going to do. Disable all monitoring devices, and swearing off checking for the next 6 days, at least. Let's see what the Man Upstairs has in store for me.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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