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Si_07,

To be honest, it caught me off guard and maybe I made the wrong choice. Will take the time today to rethink it. Thank you for your advice. Sometimes it we need to hear it from people outside looking in.

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PEW,

I see where the others are coming from. But this might be your W way of putting her toes in the water seeing if those feelings are still there. Not sure if your W OM is still in the picture. But the DR book seemed to support the decision you made. Which is being patient with your W.


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Tread,

I haven't seen much from you on this board lately. I have been trying to stay off it as to not focus on my W and our current situation. It seems to be helping. How have you been? How are things in your stitch lately?

I kind of feel the same way in what you are saying. I feel that after the talk we had over the weekend, which by the way was the first time she brought up our R, she might be trying to test the waters maybe to help her make a decision. I am not sure and I am not going to try and guess what she might be thinking. I am trying to give her a chance to get comfortable with me again but still keep myself at a good emotional distance until she makes a decision.

I am still considering leaving the MBR but I may give this a week or so to play out. Just trying different things to see how this can progress and if any don't work I will backtrack and try something else. I do have a mental date on making a decision and if she can't make up her mind at that point then I will do what is best for me. Only time will tell.

Thanks for checking in.

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Hi PEW,

I've been reading your thread for the past few days and just wanted to offer my support. I think you are doing a lot of good things, especially focusing on yourself and your D.

My situation is a little like yours in that I'm sort of stuck with my W still living with me. She can't afford a place of her own and won't go stay with a friend, at lest not yet. My W has had to move out of the MBR and now back in since kids are home from college for the summer. It has made things uncomfortable. I suggest you do not leave the MBR. My stance when confronted by my wife is to say "Why would I leave the MBR/house when I'm still the one in the marriage? With your actions you have chosen to leave the marriage."

I wish I could say my W if making positive steps back towards the MR but she is not. I can't read her mind but she seems to be very depressed that as a SAHM she has no job prospect and would have no where to go if we S or D. Our situation is very limited by finances.

I also think you are right to keep trying new things when something isn't working. That is a lot of my mindset right now. That and prayer.


Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs
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ILYBNILWY 1/30/17
PA confronted 3/6/17
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PEW1974 Offline OP
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resolut,

I find myself praying a lot too but my prayers have changed from wanting my M to somehow work out to just having the strength to make it through either way. I will pray for you too. You could never have too many prayers.

The funny thing about how the last 3 months have been going is that my W was originally completely done with me and any interaction with me. Slowly as I have been working on myself and my attitude through a bunch of 180's, I see her warming up to me more and more each week. She is at the point where she wants us to do things together. Now I know it doesn't mean much as long as she is still contacting/seeing the OM but it might be her testing to see what she really wants.

I am still so confused about everything but I realize I get stronger everyday in keeping it together. I have been able to detach from her and the A and have been enjoying going out with old and new friends. Still working on expanding my friend circle as a lot are married and can't get out much but I have no problem meeting new people.

Like you, the living together while separated is probably the hardest because the whole situation is constantly in your face but at the same time what you do and how you change for the better is also in your W's face. It allows you to go about your business and know that your W is probably watching/noticing.

My W is a SAHM also and says she is looking for a job but nothing ever seems to be good enough. We will see because she is going to have to find something to be able to support herself. While my wife might not have any money of her own, if we were to sell the house and take half each she would have enough to either buy a condo or rent an apartment with plenty in the bank as I have officially paid the mortgage off a year ago. Still she says it won't be enough to live on. While she has a point to an extent, it would be enough to live if she found a job. What a concept.

I don't know how this will turn out but I am allowing this to proceed as slowly as it has been but with the knowledge that I have an end date in mind where I will make the decision for myself. Do not want to stay in limbo much longer and she will have to deal with the consequences of her actions eventually. I am not trying to be vindictive as it will financially be just as hard for myself but I know I will survive.

I hope for the best in your stitch and I am thankful for your time and input. We are all in this together and that helps me knowing I am not alone.

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PEW,

I have been keeping away from the board to work on myself and stop focusing so much on my W. If you look at my post from yesterday there's an update that I need some assistance with. But I am glad to hear that your W might be finally coming around. Just keep doing what your doing and monitoring the results.


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Hi PEW,
Quote:

I find myself praying a lot too but my prayers have changed from wanting my M to somehow work out to just having the strength to make it through either way. I will pray for you too. You could never have too many prayers.

My prayers have been all over the place. Lately I am praying and just asking how I should be praying. Asking for help. Its not like some of my prayers haven't been answered so far. They have. But I am confused about who I should be in this R and whether my W is coming or going. I still want the R but I know it will be a huge amount of work to recover. There's no way there can be any hope of R with the OM in place and no remorse from my W.

Quote:
The funny thing about how the last 3 months have been going is that my W was originally completely done with me and any interaction with me. Slowly as I have been working on myself and my attitude through a bunch of 180's, I see her warming up to me more and more each week. She is at the point where she wants us to do things together. Now I know it doesn't mean much as long as she is still contacting/seeing the OM but it might be her testing to see what she really wants.

This sounds positive to me and your tactics must be working. Right now my wife is changing her own flight for a family vacation we had planned so she can spend a few extra days with her AP. It hurts but at least I will be out of town with all of my kids and away from her.
Quote:
My W is a SAHM also and says she is looking for a job but nothing ever seems to be good enough. We will see because she is going to have to find something to be able to support herself. While my wife might not have any money of her own, if we were to sell the house and take half each she would have enough to either buy a condo or rent an apartment with plenty in the bank as I have officially paid the mortgage off a year ago. Still she says it won't be enough to live on. While she has a point to an extent, it would be enough to live if she found a job. What a concept.

I've been trying to convince my wife she needs to find a serious FT job with benefits. She seems to think she can just start with something part time and expect to survive w/o me. Also, she is planning to get a job while we're still married and "save up" for later. That comment was so aggravating to me since it totally goes against what a marriage should be: collaborative. I said nothing about that during the conversation but I plan on returning to that topic if she gets a job. I say if because this has been out in the open for a few weeks and I've seen 0 effort out of her to find anything.

I'm in agreement with you on the vindictiveness. That is not me. Maybe I'm too nice but I have intention of just throwing her out which is what I could do since I live in a no-fault state. I'm willing to help her transition into something and have told her so.

I'm in a holding pattern for now and it doesn't get any easier from here while the A continues.


Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs
4 children
ILYBNILWY 1/30/17
PA confronted 3/6/17
Separated same house
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resolut,

I hear you about being in a holding pattern. It makes it a little easier seeing an pattern of improvement on my W's end but like you said as long as the A is going on there is no chance of working on our M.

Do you have an end date in mind of when you won't stay in this holding pattern any longer? I found that once I set one in my mind, it kind of brought me some peace because it gave me some control of the situation instead of feeling helpless. I hope things can turn around before then but if not then it will be time to officially separate. It may push her further into the affair but if she is in it anyway then the OM might as well have all her issues too.

Maybe it is what we need for things to turnaround. I don't know and I won't know until it happens. Either way it moves me in a direction. I am at the point, or at least getting to the point where I need to put this behind me so I can breathe again.

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Originally Posted By: PEW1974
resolut,
Do you have an end date in mind of when you won't stay in this holding pattern any longer? I found that once I set one in my mind, it kind of brought me some peace because it gave me some control of the situation instead of feeling helpless. I hope things can turn around before then but if not then it will be time to officially separate. It may push her further into the affair but if she is in it anyway then the OM might as well have all her issues too.


Hi PEW,

Originally I was going to wait 3 mos from BD which would be mid June. Through my own discernment work and various advice I have received, this is too soon. I've been advised to not give the D legs right now. So no I no longer have an end date. I originally thought we could get a D and settle things before the kids went back to school at the end of the summer but I see that is no longer possible. The process is going to take a while especially since she has no job/income. I am continuing to set boundaries though and I'm wanting her to move to a friends house. I feel like I'm walking a fine line of not being too vindictive. I fully realize she deserves to be thrown out and perhaps that will eventually happen.

Living separated is extremely difficult as you surely recognize. The one thing it does is make my W's time with her AP limited. Perhaps he will become frustrated at some point and want to end things.


Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs
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ILYBNILWY 1/30/17
PA confronted 3/6/17
Separated same house
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Ok so here is the latest. I went out last night with friends and got home a little late which caused me to get a late start for work this morning. I got up around 5:30am and got ready for work. My W got up earlier than usual this morning and when I walked into the MBR to get something she wished me a Happy Birthday (which is today). This is something she didn't do last year as we were really sinking in our M at the time.

I went into the kitchen to make my coffee before I left and she got up and went into the fridge and pulled out a lunch she made for me to take to work today. Kind of threw me off but it was a nice gesture.

Another odd thing is yesterday as we were speaking on the phone, she mentioned to me how she hasn't been on Facebook in over a week. This is someone who was always checking her facebook account. I don't know why she interjected that into our conversation but I am not going to put too much stock into it at this point. To be honest, it has caused a little confusion for me as I do not understand what is the reasoning behind all of this.

Can't trust that these are sincere actions yet or just her way of realizing I am at my end with the situation currently and this is her way to keep me as a back up. Going to try and keep doing what I have been doing and keeping myself emotionally detached until there are signs that she is ending the A. That is the only thing that matters to me at this point because there is no M or any chance of working on our M until this happens.

My date to separate, unless there is a commitment to try and work on our M, remains for after the grad party. We will see what transpires until then. Just want to say thanks to all the support from everyone as this has given me comfort and strength to live my life for me.

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