1) Undiagnosed or undertreated hypothyroidism. If you've been told your thyroid is "normal", consider a complete panel including Tsh, free T3, free T4, TPO antibodies and thyroglobulin antibodies. Positive antibodies or a TSH above 3.0 are suspicious and may warrant a trial of low dose thyroid hormone if you have symptoms compatible with hypothyroidism. If you ARE already on treatment for hypothyroidism, fertility success rates are highest if you're on enough thyroid hormone to push your TSH down to 1.0 or below.
2) Undiagnosed gluten sensitivity. I've seen several infertility patients get pregnant promptly on a gluten- free diet. (Granted, I see mostly thyroid patients who are at higher risk of gluten sensitivity.). You don't have to have full blown celiac disease to respond to a gluten free diet, I recommend trying it in the future if you are trying to get pregnant. P
- attend a rock concert or show in a local club - change your hair color or cut - buy a new outfit, something you might not normally wear
Also - re: finances. If there are expenditures you've been putting off, like dental work or new tires or such - do it now. Since you are not legally separated, and debt incurred will be considered joint debt, meaning he will have to pay his share of it if you do end up in a divorce.
Also - a couple of things to consider:
- I know it's early to wrap your head around this, but consider the consequences if you DO reconcile with H and go on to have kids with him. Is this really the person you want to have by your side when the inevitable sh!t hits the fan some time in the future? He's showing you that he's not reliable, and life is full of big challenges, especially with kids. I made the mistake of taking me Ex back after infidelity early in our marriage; my kids paid the price later when he blew up their happy home,
- take off the rose colored glasses where your H is concerned. Yes, depression is a terrible illness and he may well regret things when he comes out of it. But if you look carefully at the past, are there red flags you ignored? Was he really such s great guy - or was he selfish? Narcissistic? Unreliable? Unsupportive? Do you do all the accommodating in your relationship? It took me a while after my divorce to recognize what a narcissist my ex is, and how I was always giving more to the relationship than he was,
I am trying to be strong and it feels good to hear that everyone says that it will get better in time even if it doesnt feel that way now. you're in a good place for a lousy reason. IF there is a divorceCare group near you, check them out. They are not pro divorce but can help you prepare for saving the marriage and saving yourself.
Like this site, we all would like our marriages to be fulfilling and lasting. IF that's not to be, you must take care of yourself as best you can. Be a woman of grace & dignity so you will have no regrets down the road.
Please don't vent on him. Otherwise you will merely fuel any negatives he has in his head and believe us, he has a very different narrative of the marriage history than you do, right now.
YOU cannot change ^^that, so save your breath. (Later on, things will evolve but that's not an issue at the moment. You cannot convince him to feel differently and you cannot think His way out of this)
H is going to L.A for Memorial Day weekend not sure what his plans are out there maybe hes going to look for a place or has a job interview. He just sent me an email telling me hes leaving tonight and returning on Thursday so hes spending quite a bit of time out there including taking a few days off from work which he never does. I want so badly to reply and give him a piece of my mind but I think I should just go the no response route. IF you can muster it, a brief thank you for letting you know, might shock him. IF that is too much for you, just stay silent. Expressing anger at him at this time will NOT serve you.
It'll only push him farther away. My guess is that he's telling himself 1 or both of the following:
1) "I deserve to be happy. Whatever that means or takes, I deserve to be happy and yet, I'm not...so, what is it I can change OTHER than myself?
and or
2) "W is an obstacle to my happiness. If not for her (AND whatever goes with that package, like living in NY, hating my job, no friends and however I now see my horrible life as being) I would be all happy so the marriage & it's baggage, must be removed so I can finally, at last, be happy."
If you have not already, read the guidelines Sandi assembled around here. They are based on DB principles and include how the WAS (Walk Away Spouse) will see the marriage only in negatives at the moment.
You cannot change their minds on this so - don't bother. Only time & space will allow good memories to resurface.
Its absolutely unthinkable to me that someone could not consider the commitment we made to one another and can just decide to pick up and leave with no warning whatsoever. in his mind, he warned you back in December and in his mind, that's long enough AND OR he can't help it. Plus he sounds really unhappy anyhow. Meaning, if he is depressed, he's not looking to see a way out, inwardly. What he does not know is that it's harder to unravel a marriage of 14 years and a career and life, than he realizes.
All he can see right now is his GOAL...
Talk about feeling completely abandoned. Its so hard in these situations not to lash out. It feels like I'm being a doormat how does he get to do what hes doing and I'm just supposed to sit back and do and say nothing??
I totally understand what you are saying. But you are not sitting back and doing nothing. (Besides, what do you think your options are?)
I see 2 options. 1) Trying to argue him out of his feelings, or
2) working on yourself so that YOU are happier
AND b/c at some point he will look your way - and you want him to see you as a wife only a fool would leave.
Here are some other things you need to remind yourself of.
Your h was/is depressed. Apart from the aging and MLC thing you will hear A LOT about,
he really does have a depression problem from your own post. I've lived in Alaska and California. The winters in Alaska really got to me and I was not alone. More than half the military wives there were getting treated and about a 1/3 of the men.
Meds, sun lamps, therapy, exercise, and I joined clubs, took classes, learned how to cross country ski, snow machined, auditioned & got cast, i really really GAL'd a lot.
It saved me.
I worked very hard to not surrender to the darkness in Alaska (figuratively and literally) and It's not a Cliche, it's really helpful. I admit I prefer California's weather a lot!
Back to you, you must detach so you don't take all his choices personally, which I know is very very hard to do at the moment.
I myself don't know how you can detach without Getting A Life and staying busy. Pushing your comfort zones will feel like the last thing you want to do. But please take our word for it, GAL helps.
Meeting new people who don't all know the situation, (as well as doing a DivorceCare group)
gets you out of your apartment and out of your head. Anything physical is good too.
Limbo $ucks, we know. But it will pass.
What are you doing for yourself in the meantime?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
AS you reads the threads you will notice patterns that your H fits into as well as the others Mlcers they all seem to follow the same script to a point
hit 40 or around 40 seem to want to have fun meet other people some will have affairs and with sometimes younger gals buy new clothes work out some do not talk to spouse at all mine would leave the room if I walked in become neglectful parents and leave animals detach from family, leave jobs, move out get vehicles or tattoos drink party stay out very late or all night
hit 40 or around 40 (check) seem to want to have fun (check) meet other people (check) some will have affairs and with sometimes younger gals (check) buy new clothes (check) work out (check) some do not talk to spouse at all (check) mine would leave the room if I walked in (check) become neglectful parents (check) and leave animals (check) detach from family (check), leave jobs, move out get vehicles or tattoos (check) drink party stay out very late or all night (check)
Also...
get annoyed, angry, mean, rude or condescending when they do talk (check)
Thanks for the MLC check up, peacetoday! My W is exactly where she should be...
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
hit 40 or around 40 (check) seem to want to have fun (check) meet other people (check) some will have affairs and with sometimes younger gals (not totally confirmed) buy new clothes (check) work out (check...addicted to it) some do not talk to spouse at all (check) mine would leave the room if I walked in (check) become neglectful parents (check) and leave animals (check) detach from family (check), leave jobs, move out get vehicles or tattoos (not) drink party stay out very late or all night (not sure as I am trying not to watch)
Also...
get annoyed, angry, mean, rude or condescending when they do talk (check)
Thanks for the MLC check up, peacetoday! My W is exactly where she should be...
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I have kept no contact for the last 3 days while he is away on his trip. If he reaches out to me which I highly doubt he will I will respond but other than that I am not initiating contact.
I'm trying to keep myself busy while managing occasional panic attacks. I dreamt about my h last night and it was the first time in months that in my dream he was the H I know and love. I woke up in tears missing him so so much. This is truly heartbreaking.
Hope everyone out there who is suffering as well is comforted to know you are not alone....
FOOW, it gets easier. NC is the easiest way to get through. It is thinking through the responses and worrying about each word or thought that is exahausting.
I remember being where you are right now and I'm so sorry that this has to happen for us.
Ownit, is right. NO contact right now is key. you don't have any children, so it will make it easier. Parents on here rarely get to go NC bc of the the kids involved and I know it make it harder on them.
I don't know what to say to do when he comes back from his trip because my H left right off the bat. My guess would be to ignore him at all cost. Ask no questions because he will only lie. You will soon see that every word they say will be a lie. It's like dealing with an 8 yr old testing to see if they will get caught. The MLC'er loves the euphoric feeling of possibly getting caught doing something wrong. Especially with OW or OM. Also, i would only give one word answers to his questions when possible.
There's no way to figure them out. Please don't try to do it. Do what everyone says on here and GAL. Maybe get a part-time job, def go out with friends anywhere you can afford to go, exercise, etc.. Don't use your bedroom as a your cave. That shows him your weak and sad. Figure out a way to leave the house a lot!
I made the unfortunate mistake of looking on Facebook and seeing all the pictures of H in LA with all his friends and family having the best time of his life. Those were my friends and family too for 14 years and now I've just been cast aside. The part that has me particularly panicked about is I see he's out and about with no wedding ring. I know he has been wearing it to work but other times I've seen him without it. For him to be with family not wearing it just breaks my heart and makes me feel like in his mind it is really over. I'm so heartbroken. I am here staying with family but can't keep it together this is a pain that no one should feel. My dad asked if I would be okay if he reached out to my h to try and talk some sense into him but I know it won't go anywhere and I would be so embarrassed to have him tell my father that the problem is he doesn't love me anymore. Today is just one of those days I feel like going into a hole and not coming out.
FOOW, let go of the steps of him walking away. If this is MLC it is a long haul and he needs space. I snooped big time and learned awful, horrible things about my H. Since I stopped I have had much more peace. I recommend that you do the same. Either block him or stay off FB.
Don't bring family into this or publicly shame or embarrass him if you hope to have any kind of future with him. Doing those things would just make it harder for him to come back. Read DR and many of your questions will be answered. If you have read it, then reread it.
You may want to contact one of the coaches through this site. Many people here have done so and found it helpful.
This is going to get easier. The more you GAL the easier it will be for you to detach. Once you detach, it becomes much easier to get on with your life and improve you. If he does come back, it needs to be a person that is not needy and begging and has addressed the issues he has raised in the marriage. The constant advice is to become a person he would be a fool to leave.
