My story starts around Christmas time this past year. My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married 8. We met in college & my husband moved from Florida to NY to build a life with me and start his career. Our marriage has had its ups and downs including struggles with infertility but I always was confident in my husbands love and devotion to me. As the years rolled on I noticed my husband dealing with seasonal depression. The initial thrill of moving to the big city began to fade and the harsh winters really took their toll on him. It was something I noticed but it was never a huge cause of concern. That was until this year...
In December we started IVF which was a joint decision and was always something my husband in particular was looking to pursue. Treatment was tough and my husband was there by my side through it all. We successfully created a healthy embryo and were ready to start phase 2 of the process when my world came crashing down.
Days after xmas my husband turned 39. He appeared a bit down on that day but I figured it was normal given he was entering his last year before turning 40. Almost immediately after things went downhill quickly. He became depressed, obsessive over the weather, would cry if it would rain or be grey out. He expressed his feelings of lacking any confidence, hating his job, started experiencing panic attacks and his sleeping patterns changed. At first I thought it was depression and the last thing I thought was that whatever he was experiencing had anything to do with me or our marriage! He began seeing a therapist and his issues began evolving into new issues. He expressed an overwhelming feeling of being trapped and suffocated. He felt I was too dependent on him and I didnt allow him the room to do things apart from one another like being with friends. Things went from bad to worse quick and that was when he requested a month long separation to allow him to be selfish and do what he wanted and give him the opportunity to miss me and feel the distance. It killed me to watch him walk away but there was no stopping him. At the end of the month he returned and I immediately could tell that this was not over and there would be no fairy tale reunion. Within a week of coming home he pronounced very matter of factly that he did not feel the same way for me anymore and that he no longer wanted to live in NY. He wanted to move to California where it would be sunny all the time and he would be able to start living the life he wished he had. Devastation. Crying. Pleading. Begging. I tried everything. At first I thought it was a bad nightmare but every day he became more and more certain that this was the way it was and hes not going to change his mind.
So here we are today, we are still living together but he is staying in the guest bedroom and we barely acknowledge each other. He is hardly home, spends any idle time either at the gym, playing basketball, with friends. Its like he is allergic to our home and to me.
I live my days in a constant state of fear and panic waiting for him to make his next move. I am seeing a therapist and his opinion is he is dealing with a MLC and I need to accept that our old relationship is over and I need to GAL and let him go. I'm torn between holding out hope that one day he will wake up and pushing myself to move on to free myself from this torture. I love this man and cant believe that he would do this to me and to our marriage. He hasn't said the words "I want a divorce" but its clear he wants out.
While he seems adamant in his decision he not actually made a plan to a)move to California b)find a new job in California c) move out of our current apartment or d)discuss seeing a lawyer. So I'm basically living my life in a constant state of limbo waiting for him to actually make the bold move.
Would love any words of wisdom from others in this community
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
FOOW, you probably know that if it is MLC then you are in this for a long time. Read some threads from people who have lived this. HaWho has an in-house MLCer. Others, like me, have them out of the house. These folks have a hard time organizing to do anything. That he hasn't filed or done the other things is probably more a reflection of his fog.
Has he given you the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech?" If so, there is probably another woman somewhere in this mix. Others will want to know if he had a tragedy in the 18-24 months before his bomb drop.
Look at some of the other posters and include some pertinent information in your footer: ages, marital status, years together, bomb drop (BD) date, children, ages, etc. Folks will come along, but in the meantime review the links above.
Sorry you are going through this but you are not alone.
Oddly, you are not the first to have a husband freak out while in the middle of the fertility process. Ginger in Surviving the Big D had tried for a long time with her husband to conceive, finally did with medical help - then she finds out he's having an affair while she's pregnant. I've seen it happen a lot.
Second - I know you may not think this is a possibility, but statistically, the odds that he is either having an affair right now, or was/is carrying on some inappropriate online relationship is high. Although snooping is not generally recommended (because it can make it hard to maintain the positive facade you want if you are trying to win him back) sometimes it can actually be helpful to know if something is going on or not. Consider checking his phone records at least.
Third - re: seasonal depression - vitamin D and a light box can be very helpful. It's probably already too late this year for them to have much impact, but if you can, at least try to get him to get his vitamin D level measured or get him to take about 5,000 IU/d.
Fourth - what does he know about California? Has he been here before, does he have friends or family here? I actually think a lot of people move to Southern California because they have seasonal depression, and it can be good for that (although not within 5 miles of the beach, which can be cloudy and gloomy a lot). But if he's never been here before and has no connections here, I'd wonder if there is an OW connection of some kind. Does he have an old high school girlfriend who lives here? Or a female ex-coworker?
Fifth - maybe consult with a lawyer just to find out about your reproductive rights if he goes through with a divorce. I don't know what the law says but it seems likely that he might be able to keep you from implanting that embryo. If so, you might want to work on strategies in dealing with him to get him to consent to that - IF that's what you want. (I'm assuming that the fertility problem was yours and that time may be a factor- if it was his, then it's not as much an issue as you could presumably get pregnant later with some other man's sperm).
Again - I'm SO sorry you're here. Focus on living the best life for YOU that you can. Go out with friends, try new activities that you've always wanted to try, get out and LIVE. Sitting around and moping is not attractive - but live an interesting life and he might decide to follow you.
My version of the "I love you but not in love with you speech" was more of a "I dont feel the same way anymore"
My H told our therapist that once we were in the final stages of trying to have a baby he basically freaked out and realized his life would be over and that he doesnt want to have the responsibility of having to come home after work and on the weekend to change diapers and take care of a crying baby. This was shocking to hear because he was the one who pressured me to aggressively seek treatment to try and have our dream baby. He was dying to be a father. FYI there is nothing medically wrong with either one of us unfortunately we fell into the mysterious category for why it just wasnt happening for us. Luckily we already signed paperwork in advance in the event of divorce and we decided the embryo would be disposed of. Heartbreaking. Soul crushing. I remember sitting there at the clinic signing that paperwork and feeling so sorry for the person who would ever go through a scenario exactly like the one I am going through now. We went through this process at the end of december and 2 weeks later was BD. No other traumatic events leading into it. All he tells the therapist is that he feels like he lost his identity and he wasnt to build a completely new life for himself. Job, city, relationship all of it out the window. He doesnt want to turn the page to a new chapter in his life he wants a whole new book.
Believe me I have considered there is an OW. I have accepted that it is a very real possibility although it makes me want to vomit. At this point in the best interest of my mental health I dont think its worth trying to prove that out in any way. It wont change anything. I'll just feel worse. Feeling as fragile as I am now I just down think I can have that knowledge slapped in my face just yet.
In terms of his obsession with California. My H was actually born in L.A. Ironically when he turned 16 his dad decided he didnt want to live there anymore and moved to Miami by himself and deserted his wife and my husband and his brother. After about a year he called up my mother in law and asked her to please come too and so the family left California and moved to Miami. It was an extremely traumatic time for my H as he was in the middle of high school with all of his friends. He hated Miami and went through a lot emotionally to adjust. So he has always had a think for California and I think its a lot more than just the weather that is the reasoning behind it. With MLC dont these guys want to revert back to childhood? In his mind he had the best years of his life there. He was a kid he would play basketball and skateboard and had all his friends there. Now he wants to go back to that time where everything was easy and carefree and his family was together and happy. That's my amateur attempt at psychoanalyzing the situation.
This weekend he is actually going to LA to visit some family. His mom is going too so one big family reunion. I of course was not invited- hell I'm lucky he even told me he was going. Its going to be an extremely tough next couple of days with the paranoia that he is there. It hurts so much to be cut out of his life completely. Makes me feel totally discarded which is terrible for ones feeling of self worth.
I have made all the same mistakes begging & pleading and the threats. He told me I was pathetic and he felt pity for me. I wrote him letter and pleaded with him to give me a second chance. He is like a brick wall there is nothing I can say to make him change his mind. Meanwhile its been a good 5 months of living like this just waiting for the next BD and for him to make a move. All I know is I need a change of strategy and quick.
welcome and sorry you find yourself here, but the board is filled with good folks and lots of info on MLC AS you reads the threads you will notice patterns that your H fits into as well as the others Mlcers they all seem to follow the same script to a point
hit 40 or around 40 seem to want to have fun meet other people some will have affairs and with sometimes younger gals buy new clothes work out some do not talk to spouse at all mine would leave the room if I walked in become neglectful parents and leave animals detach from family, leave jobs, move out get vehicles or tattoos drink party stay out very late or all night
Best to take care of you give him space
this takes time to evolve many will leave and file some return no way to tell at this point some stay in the home and live separately
keep posting and reading get sleep and rest eat and continue therapy you will understand more later
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I'm sorry you are here too but as someone who is 9 months post b d I can tell you it does get better. I was a total mess post b d. W said she felt trapped and wanted to be free and she was in love with a man almost the same age as our oldest child. I talked to the folks here. I read the books. I got a d b coach. I confided in my best friends. My advice as others have already said. Give H space, a lot of space. Do not initiate talks about relationship or marriage or divorce. If he mentions moving to CA or getting divorced, just listen and do not react or resist. If you must say something, practice "I don't agree with your decision, but I respect it is yours ls to make and won't stand in the way of it." Reading your story, I think signing his name to those documents was a catalyst. Focus on you. You can only control you. My new mantra is to make the most of today. It's all I've got.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
FOOW, as others have said, I'm sorry you are here, but I welcome you here. My BD was July of last year and I will say that it does hurt, but things get better as you get stronger.
Keep posting, asking for advice, accepting 2x4's with grace if they are given, and use this time to find yourself again.
One day at a time...
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I am trying to be strong and it feels good to hear that everyone says that it will get better in time even if it doesnt feel that way now.
H is going to L.A for Memorial Day weekend not sure what his plans are out there maybe hes going to look for a place or has a job interview. He just sent me an email telling me hes leaving tonight and returning on Thursday so hes spending quite a bit of time out there including taking a few days off from work which he never does. I want so badly to reply and give him a piece of my mind but I think I should just go the no response route. Its absolutely unthinkable to me that someone could not consider the commitment we made to one another and can just decide to pick up and leave with no warning whatsoever. Talk about feeling completely abandoned. Its so hard in these situations not to lash out. It feels like I'm being a doormat how does he get to do what hes doing and I'm just supposed to sit back and do and say nothing??
1) Crying, begging, pleading, guilting, shaming - never worked ever. Don't do it.
2) Try some emotional Aikido instead. In Aikido you use the momentum of your attacker and roll WITH them to throw them, instead of pushing back. Start acting AS IF you have accepted his decision and are moving forward with your life. Don't let him think you are just sitting around waiting to be his plan B.
3) Get out this weekend! Go out with friends, take an unplanned trip, go skydiving, cross something off your bucket list. Why should he be the only one out having fun? Fake it if you have to, but don't let him think you're moping at home. Let HIM have to wonder what you're up to, and with whom.
4) Protect yourself financially. MLCrrs have a nasty tendency to spend. If you have joint savings, consider moving half into a separate account in your name only. If you are financially very dependent on him, you may want to have an initial visit with an attorney just to learn how to protect yourself financially.
