Gordie: One day at a time

[Treasur]

Pity parties are allowed, Gordie - if you were nearer, you could join mine. I have wine?

Let's both have a good weekend and remember that we had a happy us before we met our spouses, so we can do happy again x

[Gordie]

Treasur,

Thank you! I hope you enjoyed your wine this weekend! I enjoyed mine. You are right. I can be happy with or without my w. It hurts even to write that. My divorced friends tell me that too. Why do I have a hard time believing that in my heart?

***

This weekend was a mix of cold and warm. We can have pleasant conversations together sometimes. W surprised me when she told me she wanted us to go to a friend's birthday party together. Other than that, we didn't spend too much time together. No discussion of divorce and the legal proceedings.

I feel I am in the friend zone and happily co parenting. No desire to spend time alone with me. No desire to touch me. This used to upset me more than it does now, but it honestly still does make my heart ache. Acceptance. Detachment. Be steady. Give w time and space.

At some point there will be a discussion that she will have to initiate: Here is the proposed d settlement and timeline or I am dropping the d filing. I have applied no pressure. I have not initiated R discussions.

Where do I need to do better? Stopping the pursuit and distance. Detaching. I've made improvements. I am still not where I want to be, but still working on it. I want my w but I don't need my w.

What do I want the kids to remember about me during this time? I loved them. I loved their mom. I was strong. I was patient. I maintained my dignity. I maintained my faith. I was a good man. I didn't buckle under pressure, didn't fall into depression, didn't seek revenge.

[Gordie]

Unrelated thoughts:

1. Anniversary came and went. I didn't plan anything. W woke up and wanted to spend time together. We went on a casual lunch date, nothing fancy. I bought her a little present. We were physically affectionate.

2. W is working on her childhood trauma issue. Recently she has opened up and told me more about it. I have been listening, not offering advice or trying to fix things, just listen.

3. Trying to break the distance and pursuit dynamic (slow learner). When w distances I'm no longer pursuing (or maybe just less so). No calls or texts or attempts at physical contact. It feels like we are drifting apart.

4. W has been more agitated. I no longer ask her what is bothering her or did I do something wrong. If she wants to tell me she will and I have found it is rarely anything to do with me these days.

5. I am enjoying these last days of summer. I spend more time with the kids without my w these days but still do family things too. My friends tell me that I seem to be in a much better state of mind.

[Treasur]

What do I want the kids to remember about me during this time? I loved them. I loved their mom. I was strong. I was patient. I maintained my dignity. I maintained my faith. I was a good man. I didn't buckle under pressure, didn't fall into depression, didn't seek revenge.

And you are. And that makes you magnificent

[OwnIt]

Love that you called that out Treasur.

Gordie you seem a little more at peace with it.

I sat in my IC today asking over and over when am I going to be free. Everything in my life overwhelming me at present seems to have some origin in him. That I think that and wrote it shows that it is in me. I must take control of my thoughts, actions, and feelings. I hope that you will do the same.

[Treasur]

Good point, OwnIt. Understandable after a long M.

I sometimes reflect that my H's behaviour has brought such crazy darkness into my life in the last two years and I hate the chaos of it. So, freedom from it is a benefit of his absence.

[Gordie]

Treasur and ownit,

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I too have felt that crazy darkness. As you guys said, I think it does relate to the longevity of these relationships.

***
This week:

W did not do the work, so the court date has been postponed. W has not discussed D with me since April during our last R talk. W is distancing emotionally. W has been avoiding physical contact with me. I feel my expectations and hopes for reconciliation are getting lower and lower, but still not at zero. I am pursuing w less and less but we still talk and text daily and go on dates weekly. The lack of physical contact makes me feel less like the BF and more like the F. W has been in more conflict with the kids so they have drawn closer to me. Work has been busy. Friends have been very supportive. Diet has been less good. Sleep has been less good. Gym has been consistent. More engaged in my creative endeavors.

[Treasur]

Gordie - what would happen if you dramatically pulled back on the daily tel/text contact other than emergency/practical kid stuff and didn't see each other at all for a few weeks? (Because you're too darn busy mysteriously GAL-ing...) How would it help you? Just ask because it seems that what you're doing now isn't helping, so DB principles would suggest trying a 180.

[SBJ]

Have faith my friend...and stay strong my brother! Remember that depression is one of the main factors in MLC. Not only is she wrapped up in that...so are we to an extent. You are doing the work and need to remain strong in your faith. Pray that she is able to do the work she needs to do as well.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

[Gordie]

Treasur,

Thanks for your thoughts and would love your input. The sad truth is before b d there were days when w and I wouldn't talk to each other much except about logistics and kids. This was one of her main complaints about me and why POM was so attractive. He paid attention to her and listened to her and cared more about her endeavors than me. My 180 was to improve my listening, making time to connect every day and talk about W and not logistics and kids. W was skeptical of these changes early and I got the too little too late and we need to D asap. I took the advice of folks here to be the man I want to be and that man is one who listens and gives attention to w and helps more with the house and kids. I give her a tone of space and don't force unwanted conversations but I do initiate and start with normal open ended questions. How was your day? How is such and such that you mentioned yesterday going? If she's not open it lasts a few minutes but it shows I care and am interested. If she's open we may wind up talking for an hour or more. This has become the new normal and she no longer says too little, too late. As Ciluzen advised, I'm trying to demonstrate this is the new, authentic Gordie not just the bad old Gordie with d b tricks trying to win her back. However, as you noticed, the new normal has reached somewhat of a plateau where things are neither getting better or worse. I'm afraid if I pull back and go dark I am reverting back to the bad old Gordie that she wants to D. What do you think?

SBJ,

Thank you for your prayers. I need them. I had been slacking off in my own prayers but last week was better. I honestly don't feel too close to God right now but remind myself that faith like love is not a feeling. It is believing in and seeing what cannot be seen nor sometimes felt. I can see how these experiences can make some lose faith and honestly at times wonder if I will be one of them.