Gordie: One day at a time

[Gordie]

Butterfly and Roist--thanks for the reassurances. This has not been a great week for me. I have not been as steady as I'd like to be. I've been more on edge. And one of my kids asked me point blank about w and I was like a deer in the headlights. I have avoided saying anything negative about my w to the kids. But I didn't know how to answer so I just said nothing. Not a highlight of my week. I could use a drink.

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{Gordie, hugs}}}}}}

Do you know why this week in particular has been so difficult? Can you maybe carve out a few hours to go do something (or nothing) away from w and kids just to get some breathing room to re-balance and ground?

xoxoxo

BTW saying nothing is better than saying the wrong thing.

[Gordie]

Bttrfly,

Thanks for checking in. Actually acknowledging that I've been off my game was a huge relief. I also realized that I had lost my temper the other day with one of the kids and I went and apologized and explained I was having a rough week and that my actions were my responsibility. This is a 180 for me! Owning up to my actuons and apologizing then made me feel so much better the rest of the evening.

What has put me on edge is the calendar and knowing w will have to make some sort of d decision this month. I try not to think about it, but then those thoughts come marching right back in. You know how that works?

[SBJ]

Gord I am right there with you as far as being on edge this week. Maybe it is something in the air. Maybe it is our minds way of saying that we need to take care of ourselves a little bit better. Maybe it is a defense mechanism keeping us from hurting.

The marathon thing is true, but like you hoped that I would have been thru with the 26.2 miles by now. At least I was hoping that God would have come to the rescue by now. I know that this is definitely teaching me how to be a lot more patient. That is something that I had struggled with all of my life. That is also what I have had a problem with this week with my kids. When I ask them to get something done they reply ok, but 2 minutes later when they haven't moved, I have been going off the handle. I have had to step back and ask for forgiveness as well this week...from them and from God.

The prayer of serenity has been my friend this week for sure.

Peace be with you my brother...

[bttrfly]

I try not to think about it, but then those thoughts come marching right back in. You know how that works?

I waited for exh to schedule our day in court. As the date approached, I started eating ice cream. By the pint. From the container. Or I'd make a caramel sundae. For dinner. Then for breakfast. Some days both.

In our state there's a 120 day waiting period, so he could have stopped it at any time. He didn't. My ice cream phase continued.

35 pounds later, I'm divorced. Luckily not diabetic. Now I have to lose the weight and that's fine - I had to get through as best I could.

So yeah, I know what you mean. Take my advice: don't go the ice cream route. Just keep doing what's been working and focus as solely on you as you can. All you have to do right now Gordie is breathe. That's it. Just keep breathing. Break it down to getting through the day, the morning, afternoon or evening, the hour, the minute or the second. However granular you need to make it.

We're here when you can't stand it any more and need to scream, shout, post, whatever.

Be kind to yourself.

xoxoxoxoxo

{{{{{{{Gordie}}}}}}}}

[OwnIt]

Gordie, she may just be one of those that has to do it to realize that she doesn't feel any better (Ciluzen's H comes to mind). Try not to let it get it to you and try not to live like a dying man awaiting his execution as he counts down the clock. Just say to yourself she's probably going to do it but it doesn't have to change my world view and I will be ok.

[Gordie]

SBJ--that's exactly my issue with the kids but have been better since posting about it, a lot better so having support to acknowledge and change really helps!

Butterfly--that ice cream thing? Yeah, I've done it. It's not a regular practice now but after b d oh yeah. Trying hard to breathe and take one day at a time and not get dragged down by this whole thing.

Own--that's exactly what I feel like...like my life is on hold waiting for some terrible thing to happen. I've gotta snap out of that. Life goes on no matter my marital stays, right?

So this week was pretty normal. W was really sad one day. I asked her about it and she didn't want to talk so then just gave her time and space to herself. Work has been really busy. I've been good about my diet and exercise. Not sure what it is but I have been attracting a lot more compliments from random women. I was out shopping with my daughter and she picked up on this and we laughed about it. Given summer schedules, I've been able to spend a lot more time with the kids and that has been fun. No news on the d front.

[Gordie]

Txhubby has an awesome thread about his situation. Reminders to self:

Need to detach more. Still too focused on w and her actions and how she responds to me than I should be.

Recognize the difference between needing a and wanting w. Two very different things.

Need to step up the GAL efforts. I have taken steps but need to take it up a notch or five.

Lastly, Limbo can literally kill you. Don't waste your life waiting and waiting on your w to act or change. Take charge of your own life irrespective of what and when she chooses to act.

***

Separate thought. It seems most situations involve PA and others EA. There are only a few on here that involve IA. W became infatuated with a real person but it never crossed into a mutual EA or PA. My D B coach felt that I should (1) ignore the IA and (2) build greater connection to W. I have done both but here I stand on the doorstep of D. DB coach also warned some actually have to go through with D before even considering reconciliation.

[HaWho]

Well, I am pretty sure she has a fantasy of how divorced life will look. And if in the near future she raises the issue, personally? I would ask her how she thinks it will all look. I would listen and stay quiet. It would be interesting to know how lost she is.

In my depression I fantasized about getting my own apartment to get away! I did not want to have a PA. I just wanted to have my own space. And it was COMPLETELY irrational. I thought it would be perfect. I never really thought out the logistics like um, what would my kids think? Depression warps perception.

So, you have to figure out the boundaries of what divorced life would look like to be very clear to her about what will happen. And this is not to be punitive, but just because divorce does change things! And she may not *really* comprehend that over on fantasy island.

I understand how hard it is to just be waiting for someone to carry out a threat. For a full year I kept waiting for my h to move out. Remember, he wanted to sleep around but come home to spend the night here! Each day he came home I felt relief and dread. Relief that he hadn't cleared out the bank accounts and run off. But I had dread that I would be wondering if tomorrow was the day he would go MIA.

Somehow we have to minimize thinking about that uncontrollable stuff and maximize thinking about other, productive stuff. Our energy can make the good stuff flourish.

But in the meantime, make a clear list of how d will change life. And be ready to make that very clear to her.

[roist]

I have not read TXhubby's thread in a long time but you are right that it is worth reading. I don't think it's the right move for you at this stage. Give her a little more time. But take heart from what TX writes and take note.

Hawho echoes my previous advice to you about being clear about how things will be if she pursues the D. Try not to be angry but factual if you have to make that speach. You have guidance here that is invaluable and will be readily available if things get rocky.

I would clarify that you were on the brink of D before you followed your coach's advice. You have drastically improved things and IMO would probably already be separated if you hadn't. You have gained time to allow a turnaround. It's like turning the titanic. You have done the necessary and time will tell if ye hit the iceberg or not. You can influence that but not.control it.

If W files, reread TX's thread.

How are you set for your family holiday?

Best wishes