Gordie: One day at a time

[SBJ]

Gord, just checking in. I haven't heard from you in a while. I hope and pray things are going well in your world.

[Gordie]

SBJ,

Thanks for checking in.

Update: Summer is a very social time for us with a lot of family time and events. As w did the b d and the d filing, I didn't plan any of the regular things I do. As each event approaches, I have let w take the lead on whether she wants to participate or celebrate and every time, she does. Weddings, vacations, parties sometimes as a family and other times as a couple. I don't plan because I don't want to pressure her into having to play w or mother or family. On a different note, W and I are still sleeping separately but still enjoying marital relations. Other non sexual touch has been more consistent, less hot and cold. No news on the legal front.

Question: Is w reconsidering d or just enjoying the cake? I don't know. As bttrfly and ownit have said, w is going to control the pace and it won't be linear. As Roist has said, I've got to be patient, patient, patient. One day at a time!

[OwnIt]

When you figure out the patience thing can you send some my way? I'm freaking out at present.

[Gordie]

So it's 10.5 months after b d. Back in September w was in a hurry to separate and d. After making all the common mistakes for a couple months I started to turn things around for me which improved the situation. W started noticing my self improvement but gave me the too little too late but I persisted. I finally learned about boundaries. I was afraid that standing up for myself would push her away but in hindsight I can see that it made things better. I was not going to move out. I was not going to tolerate her speaking to me about POM. I wanted to be her husband, not her friend. Things improved between us but she still filed in March but hasn't spoken of D since. I am putting no pressure on w. We are enjoying one another's company. Sex is fun. I could stay like this for some time but am afraid her filing complicates things as things as the court will force her to propose a settlement or drop the case some time in the next month. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and taking one day at a time. What else can I do?

[bttrfly]

I'd say you're pretty much perfect. The only other thing you can do is keep your expectations set firmly on zero.

That's pretty much it kiddo, and keep your GAL activities so she can see your changes.

xoxoxoxo

Great job btw!

[roist]

A lot can happen in a month. Don't stress that yet.

You are right about boundaries being beneficial and necessaryiin a r even a struggling one. I still think you will need to be ready to let her know that if she does go ahead, that it will change things as per my earlier advice. No need to preempt that but be ready.

Best wishes

[SBJ]

Just keep on keepin' on buddy!!! You are truly stronger than you know.

Your mindset is right, but I know how our "hope" can sometimes cloud our reality.

I have faith that God wants marriages to stay together and has the power to heal and restore them, but I also realize that not everyone feels that way and we cannot make them "feel" a certain way.

And He said to them, “Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you. Matthew 17:20

[Gordie]

Bitterly, Roist, SBJ,

Thanks for looking out for me.

Keep expectations at zero. Great advice. Easier said than done. My heart wants so much to think that maybe she'll drop the d but yes, have to keep expectations at zero.

Telling w that post d life will be different. Yes, it sure will but not as you pointed out not to be said pre emptively. In fact actions I think will speak louder than words on this front. Even if I say it again, I don't think she'll believe it until it happens. We are so still intertwined in our daily lives.

Stronger than I think? There are days I feel strong yet others where I feel so weak and that I want to just stop running this marathon.

***

So one of those places I have felt weak is church. Kids' behavior has definitely worsened since w stopped going. At times I feel like giving up and just leaving them at home but I haven't. Today I prayed for a good experience and I asked the kids to be better behaved and they were! I was so happy.

And one change I have noticed in W. She has resumed saying thank you. When I do something for her she will look me in the eye and very deliberately say it.

My mind has been filled with thoughts of post d life but not the sad and lonely kind. I have been thinking of what my place would look like and being in more control of my life. Is that bad?

[bttrfly]

My mind has been filled with thoughts of post d life but not the sad and lonely kind. I have been thinking of what my place would look like and being in more control of my life. Is that bad?

no. it's not bad. it's pragmatic.

xxoxooxxooxo

[roist]

No it is not bad. You need to be able to embrace a future life without w. You need to see and feel its full potential. You should be aware that life without W can be great too.

This takes a lot of stress off the lbs. He/she knows they will survive and thrive regardless. This affects attitude and behavior which is perceptible to WAS. They feel less pressure. They see you are truly OK letting them go. The seed gets planted that the lbs is moving on in their life regardless.

For these and other reasons it is OK gordie to have such thoughts.

Best wishes