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You are doing the right thing Gordie. Keep pushing down the path you are on and see whether your W eventually chooses to join you on it. I think we all owe ourselves a constant re-evaluation of self as we progress through life. I know with my situation that's where I was lacking as well. We get into routines and the daily ins and outs and lose focus on who/how we are as people, friends, and spouses. The self evaluation, while tiring, is completely necessary for us to remain at our best.

I hope your W does come to her senses and sees what a great person she would be leaving. You are much stronger than when you got here and she'd be stupid for ignoring that. Keep fighting the good fight my friend!


Me39
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In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
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Gordie it is impossible to maintain such a huge self improvement effort.IIMPOSSIBLE. It is similar to sporting preparation. In endurance disciplines such as running, cycling, triathlon etc the athlete prepares to improve their fitness by increasing the effort put in over say a three week period. This period is hard work but it is when the athlete eases off for a recovery week, that is when the athlete becomes stronger. I know the analogy is not perfect but I believe that it is healthy to have periods where you put in less effort to improve. Take the pressure off and just be.know that the break will actually help you more than tiredly plugging ahead.

I agree with your coach. Your W does not appear fully done in your M. Based on what you have written and my observations here I imagine that your W is relatively volatile and hence I would expect the limbo situation to be relatively short. Relatively short on a mlc timeline. Long on a lbs timeline! The longer the limbo in your case the better as when it is short more often than not it means she confirms wanting out.

Best to not dwell on either of these things and continue living as best you can one day at a time. Make the most of each day. Add done spice into your own life. Find something new or different to try. Do something you used to do. Get out of the house more. That will be more interesting for you and it makes you more interesting to others including W, but it also gives her space and relieves her pressure. That is important. And lastly you have a full life in place that will help you through the initial hard times should your W decide she is done. You know all this but sometimes we need to hear it again.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
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Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the [b]nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10 (NASB)

Gordie, I had an invitation to a friends birthday get together this past weekend. Beer, BBQ, and Skeet Shooting...the first two were going to be right up my ally, but I suck at skeet shooting, so I was hesitant in going. Well, I had a close friend twist my arm into going with he and his wife. Long story short...I had the best time I've had in a year. It's amazing how shooting can relieve stress and refocus your mind on your own happiness.

Find something you haven't done, or that is totally out of your comfort zone and go do that with some friends. Take some time for yourself to let go of all of the worry and frustration that I know we all feel. It is a great feeling to not "worry" for a while.

You are doing great...you are becoming the man that she'd be crazy to leave. Continue to ask God to change you thru all of this and He will. Continue to ask for His Will to be done in your life and it will. God Bless!


Me 49 W46
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S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
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Happy Father's Day Gordie xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
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That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Roist,

I love that advice. Just like my training, I need built in rest days from D B ! Heck, I feel like I need a D B vacation. This is a marathon so max daily effort is as you say impossible. This is a good reminder as some days I do feel burnt out by the effort and get grumpy, not good!

SBJ,

Thank you for your advice too. I haven't done much new and exciting but have done a lot more socializing. W is always welcome and sometimes she joins and sometimes not. I am fine either way. And yes, I desperately need God's help. Honestly, I do feel at times that God is not listening but I hang on to that little mustard seed of faith within me to know that He is still there.

LT,

Thanks for the encouragement and always having my back. Yes, there have been good things from this unwanted road: self improvement and new friends.

Bttrfly,

Thank you and Happy F Day to Roist and SBJ and LT and all the moms there who are pulling double duty for your kids.

***

So this past week has been pretty good. W treated me more like a friend than a H or boyfriend this week. Work has been really busy. Lots of end of school kids events. My daily routine now includes doing little things I know my w appreciates. Not just household things for the family but little things just for her. Is this cake feeding? Maybe, but I just feel like it's the right thing to do.

Father's Day was surprisingly normal in the new normal sense. I spent most of my day with the kids and then we joined for dinner with some other families. Unlike prior times when w is more mysterious about her whereabouts and whether or not she is going to join the rest of us, w has been explicitly telling me when and where she will be joining us. W got me a small gift from her and the kids. The kids expressed to me what a good dad I am.

Some days and nights, I still get stressed and anxious and sleepless like last night. I wonder if this is just a wasted effort. I wonder when the divorce agreement will come. I drive by homes for sale and wonder if I should stop and look at them. And then I calm my mind and do my best to live in the moment, one day at a time. Carpe Diem!


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie,

I'm glad your day was calm and you are dealing well with the daily ride. What a grind this is for all us.

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Here is my take on your gestes towards your W. I am.not against them.even though it is a form of pursuit. It all depends on your motivation for doing them and the related expectations.

Pre BD every lbs droped the ball, maybe not a conscious decision but it still occurred. Learning to be a better H is essential, otherwise all future R's are doomed too. So having such habits could be part of being a better Gordie.TThat is good.

If it is done to induce appreciation in w I would be careful.YYour W is on the fence and could go either way. Michelle encourages seeking tipping points that tip the R towards a better one. So in theory again this could be good. BUT if W is not receptive she could be pushed away by what she could consider as pressure or unwanted attention.

As for your question if it is worth it, I imagine your response is yes. Remember how things are now is not worth it but things won't stay that way forever. Your battle is not to keep the status quo but to have a chance at something healthier and better down the road.

You have been through the mill for a long time, but your M crisis is relatively young. After 9 months many lbs lose energy and motivation to continue.ThTheir energy levels are drained. To continue you need to look after yourself to be sure you have the energy to go on. I would be more worried for you if you didn't have such questions.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Roist,

Thanks for the encouragement. You are a mind reader! Yes, I'm fatigued and exhausted by this marathon Good to know that's normal. I read some of the newcomers posts today and was reminded where I was 9 months ago. Wow, I have made progress:

I no longer think my life is over not worth living.

I no longer blame myself for everything.

I no longer obsess about every little action or word of w, at least not as much.

I no longer fantasize about escaping.

I am no longer ashamed of my situation.

I am less anxious about spending time with w.

I now have a support network IRL.

I have a more developed life separate from w.

I am a more involved father.

I have no expectations of w.

To be continued...

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ContInued...

I am a more attentive, less selfish lover.

I talk to God more, but confess our relationship is stressed too.

I am better at living in the moment, one day at a time.

I have no desire or temptation to snoop or confront the POM.

I am able to focus at work again.

I can sleep well on some nights but not every night.

I am closer to and more appreciative of my friends.

I am better at managing our domestic affairs with or without w.

I give w a lot more space and time to herself.

I am no longer critical and judgmental.

I am a better listener.

I am better at keeping my opinions to myself.

I am not trying to fix or save my w.

I know that I can only control me.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Impressive list Gordie! Inspiring me to make one as well


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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