Count on ups and downs (III)

[WillDo]

Today feeling less panic. Having lunch together yesterday calmed us down. I don 't think anything has changed. I still don't want to go and I feel she is testing me on my willingness to continue. She had once said it was my stubbornness that attracted to the marriage. I might be trying to create that feeling to be in a better place.

[WillDo]

Since I feel calmer, I felt it would be good to add a summary;

Summary:
It has been almost 3 years since my relationship is in limbo. Apart from the series of events, the breakdown started once I
noticed the work friend turning out to be the OM. She had admittedly said he was the man whom she felt enjoyed company most.
The major event was the time I found that she was sexting with him. I only see 3/4 pictures but that was enough.
Instead of remorse, she attacked me of going into her personal things. Thereafter, more and more talks happened about why we
are at this stage. Once I started educating myself and noticed doing 180, I did substantial changes of which she said
she had noticed. Sexless rather no sex marriage took pace. At a point I had IC (important information;
I have a history of depression so went to my consultant. She came once. I went 3 times) and marriage counselling.
I managed not to go into depression. The consultant advised me to turn it into anger. Plus I am on Lithium which stabilises my mood.
I know that has been a reason for her to withdraw even though she really was a carer during my illness.

Again, I have been doing things she has been complaining about. Avoiding chasing, pleading. Looking after specifically the
our 7 year old twin daughters.

I had major arguments recently and she stopped having her salary go to the joint account, went to another bedroom and
she is more adamant that I should leave the house. Rather she wants to move to our second property which we rent out. Right now it needs
repairs but she is insisting on not to bring in new tenants. I don't know what to do differently.

[WillDo]

I can't control her. While I was on a business trip, she went out with the Ds and met with OM in a park. Gutted but as I said I can't control her. I used to say she is trying to hurt me. The feedback I got on the thread was well she is trying to be happy. She communicated with me last night regarding her work. But no mention of the day.

[roist]

I want to reread your whole story but if she knows you know there is OM then her view of you could be lessened by your tolerating it. Cadet is a big advocate about doing nothing and that takes a huge amount of strength.

My W had an inappropriate friend. I followed the do nothing directly approach so I know your pain. But I also told W that I would not be in a R with anyone if there is another R. I drew one or two more boundaries about what I would tolerate or rather what I wouldn't. I believe that was important to do.

Reflect on your boundaries. Boundaries are critical in a healthy R. I know Michelle talks about having to tolerate a lot to get through a mlc crisis. This is eating away at you.

IMO something different could be to tell W you don't want to be in R if there is an OM and she should move out if that is what she wants. If she takes the rent house, make sure ye are clear on the financial implications. She does not get a free ride with you paying.

Another common boundary is no contact of AP with children.


These are just some of my views. Decide what is best for you.

Best wishes

[WillDo]

Thanks!

I had confronted her in line of what you had mentioned. Her reaction has been denial of an affair. She feels I am intolerant to male friends. On our recents arguments, I told her I know there is an affair. That statement made her go even more angry. Her defence has been offence.

I really don't know what to do. The rental house is under mortgage with both our names on it.

[SBJ]

WillDo, my W has always tried to say that she feels men and women can be friends. While I think that is true to an extent, I think that we should all still have healthy boundaries with those friends of the opposite sex. The key is to not put ourselves in a position where temptation takes control.

My W, I feel, exceeded those boundaries with a friend that turned into an EA (no PA to the best of my knowledge). When her EA was at its peak is when I received the BD. I don't believe in coincidences. She put herself into a situation where she failed and was also very argumentative that any of it had anything to do with the BD.

I wouldn't want to share her with anyone either, but in my case, she moved out and I have no control of what she does. She is very good at No Contact...even though I also try it and have increased my GAL activities, it frustrates me that my W and friend of over 25 years total can just cut me out of her life. I guess they all deal with things in their own way.

I pray for all of us on here with prodigal spouses...it is very difficult in deed to deal with all of the hurt. My you gain peace and strength in your journey.

[sandi2]

Once again I am going to tell you to protect yourself, Will. Maybe you misinterpret what we mean by protecting yourself. Let me put it another way. Do what is best for you, even if she doesn't like it. All I've seen is a man who chooses to continue suffering emotionally/mentally at the hands of his WW. I am saying you need to stop taking this sh't and do what is best for Will.

I think she disrespects you so much that the relationship needs physical space. If you live apart from her, maybe you can go forward and find happiness.

I think it was your first thread where you said, "I just can't do it". You were referring, I suppose, to the advice you had received. So, my suggestion is to start doing whatever you want to do. The MR is not working and continues to get worse, and you feel you cannot enforce boundaries.....so what is left?

It breaks my heart to see people staying in such unhappy situations. You do NOT have to continue being walked on day after day. That is what your W does every time she makes you look stupid and blames stupid things on you. It's b/c she no longer feels respect for you as a man. Do you understand what I am saying about her? Her feelings will not change under the current circumstances.

You have only focused on her affair with OM. She would need to end her affair....but let me add something else. The affair is not what killed the MR. Her disrespectful feelings toward you is what killed the MR. She is wayward. She wants to have inappropriate "friendships" with other men. She doesn't care how it makes you feel.

If you cannot make changes in the man you are currently, then IMHO, the only healthy option left is to separate from her and make a better/happier life for yourself.

[WillDo]

I would like to express my gratitude to all that have posted. Specifically moderators sandi2 and job.

I have been re-reading what you had posted before sandi2 over and over again. Esp. where you ask me to look after myself.

As you may recall, my history of depression has possibly caused my W's disrespect. What hurts is you know that a person in depression is talking negatively. This negativity in my case did include to lose respect of my W. She had always been supportive. Even a carer once finds the opportunity will run against you. This is mean but reality. As was mentioned in this thread, W is probably not trying to hurt me, she is trying to be happy.

Can't find the once me. I truly can't. That me didn't have 2 Ds and living away from relatives and friends in a different country.

Time will show.

[WillDo]

Journalling

Just wanted to jot some words. This is the only place I can say what I think.

For GAL purposes have been trying to learn more of the piano by following some easy piano tutorials on YouTube. Finding the tunes my Ds like and getting to play them.

Avoiding conflict. Being patient and not talking about the other property. Focusing on the Ds and chores. Working on getting all set for the 6 weeks trip as a family we will be going.

I am doing changes but not finding the changes that work.

[roist]

That probably depends on how you EXCEPT those changes to work. Of the changes are solely to influence W, then maybe you should focus on other changes for YOU. By all means clear out your negative contributions to M but at this stage W isn't interested. She will notice but for now it isn't enough for her. This means she isn't receptive not that you have to do more and more until it is enough.

Best wishes