First time here, part 3

[leahsue]

new thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2737108#Post2737108

[OwnIt]

Good luck this weekend. I hope you are resting up and putting yourself in a positive frame of mind. If all else fails, go bowling.

[leahsue]

So...... things are playing out pretty much as I expected. By last night, I had not heard from him since Saturday. That in and of itself I think is disrespectful- because on Saturday, I felt a postponement coming, and I said, please let me know because I don't want to be left at the last minute with no holiday plans if you back out. He said I will keep you posted. But he has not. So I texted him last night and said Are you still coming? He came back with all this junk about office architect plans they are waiting on for approval that he will have to be present to sign, and some other stuff. He ended the text by saying "so I don't know if it will be this week or next week when I come." ASSUMING that his time is more valuable than mine, I guess, since he didn't even say- will that work for you, etc.
After a bit, I texted back and said- very kindly- "look, I know you have obligations and I can tell you don't feel comfortable leaving work with things undone right now. Why don't we postpone this until maybe the middle of June? Maybe then we can decide if we even still want to see each other. That way you don't have to feel torn. I'm not being mean. I'm just trying to take any pressure off of you so you can do your work. Our relationship can wait. I'm fine either way."
As usual, no response, but no surprise there. So as of right now, he is still scheduled to fly here tomorrow, and I guess he'll let me know something by tonight. I just think that's rude and disrespectful of my time. I'm doing nothing to prepare for his visit, because I don't think it will happen right now. And honestly, I am fine with that. I'm not sure I want to see him at this point, anyway.
I know one thing. If he does back out, I'll be having the GAL holiday weekend like a boss. That kind of sounds like more fun to me anyway.
Updates as they come......

[cadence]

things are playing out pretty much as I expected.

Leah, I'm going to get tough with you. I say the following because: I care for you, I want you to be happy, and I recognize some of myself in you. No judgment, just some tough love

I'm sorry about the complications, but I do suspect that you're doing something I've seen you do before: having expectations and approaching the situation with H from the perspective of a victim. You're very clearly feeling disappointment, and you're reacting to that disappointment in a way that is then changing the dynamic between the two of you.

You can't feel disappointed unless you had expectations. In that way, the disappointment you feel isn't on H. It's on you.

I know that you're a human being and this stuff is hard work. None of us are perfect. Your personal challenge is those pesky expectations, because they keep re-emerging!

The planning of the trip isn't something that you need to be involved in, is it? He's coming to see you, so let him worry about all of that that. And the circumstances (his work and the strange state of your M) mean that you might get late notice, so let's reframe all of this so that Leahsue is in her "happy GAL state", ok?

How about a different perspective where Leah comes first? She's off living her life and having fun, and her life does not currently involve rotating around an H who chose to step out on her.

Make plans, but picture H as no more than a possible addition to those plans, as opposed to a central feature. That way it doesn't matter if he's there or not, or if he gives you adequate notice or not. He also will get a peek into the fact that your life goes on without him, and that is a very attractive thing for him to witness.

H should be pursuing you in all ways. Putting yourself first allows him to do that. He knows he hurt you, and giving him any impression that he's still central in your life whenever he chooses is going to lower your perceived value. Really try and stop having expectations that he'll visit. Maybe he will! Maybe he won't! Either way, your life goes on, right?

So carry on with planning your life as is, and if he joins, that's great! If he doesn't, no skin off of your back.

If you can successfully adopt and communicate this attitude, it will have a nice side effect of lowering the pressure H feels. That will be a fantastic thing for the two of you.

Lower the stakes and make this a win/win for both of you, no matter what happens.

P.S. I would be slipping up in the exact same ways if I were in your situation! The frequent contact and the limbo state makes it so goshdarn tempting to develop expectations...

[leahsue]

Yes Cadence, I agree with all you said.
That helped me be ready for the phone call that came with more "work" excuses of deadlines, etc. and he has postponed. I was ready though. I said in a very upbeat voice, That is fine. I know your work means a lot to you right now, and I'm sure it's hard to leave it. That's why I suggested we put this visit off until maybe late June or July. He said, well, I changed the flights to June 9-19. I said (very kindly) well that won't work for me. I already have plans. Of course I'm not telling you that you can't come to AL, of course you can, but I won't be here. And then I said again, that's why I suggested that we wait a while. Then I said, look H, we all have choices to make, and I have come to a place in my life where I accept that your work is your top priority, and I don't judge you for that, and I can't really say I understand, because I've never loved a job like that, but I get it. I just can't sit around and wait any longer. I think let's give this some time, you have a great holiday weekend, and I will too.... and maybe somewhere down the road we can catch up.
He was completely silent.
And I didn't want to just hang up and be accused of that later, so I said (again very calmly and sweetly) OK? And he said all sad and pitiful - "OK".
And I hung up.
And for now. friends, I am done with back and forth. I meant everything I said. I deserve more than this. No matter what label we put on him or me..... if he wants a relationship, he can do the heavy lifting from now on, or we can go our separate ways. At some point, you just have had enough, and you really start putting yourself first. I guess I'm there.

[LH19]

Leahsue,

I know that was hard as h$ll to do but I am a true believer that standing up for yourself and saying "I'm not waiting around anymore" is the only way to proceed. When someone changes the terms of a relationship/marriage that you don't agree with the strongest negotiation is to walk a away and never look back until they are ready to commit 100% to reconciliation.

Be extremely proud of yourself!

[OwnIt]

Brava!

[leahsue]

Thanks for the comments! I's still kind of reeling from the step I believe that I took today, It was a boundary, maybe not stated, but you know them when you see them, you know?
And I held firm.
Maybe you have to get to a place where you realize you can't control any of this, there's a reason for this, or it just life handing you a 6 of hearts when you're holding the other 3 sixes, then you wake up and it was a dream.

I don't want to ignore the heart part of this sitch, but honestly, I am being as honest as I know how- I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. HE IS FREE, I AM FREE. I can re-invent myself here in this house and town and state, and what I do from here is my decision.

Please don't ignore my post because you think I have one up on you.... this is, in some ways, harder than it's ever been. And I need you, 25, and Sara, and Cadence, and Own, and Tryin...... my go-to places when all else seems lost.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for the comments! I's still kind of reeling from the step I believe that I took today, It was a boundary, maybe not stated, but you know them when you see them, you know?
And I held firm.
Maybe you have to get to a place where you realize you can't control any of this, there's a reason for this, or it just life handing you a 6 of hearts when you're holding the other 3 sixes, then you wake up and it was a dream.

I don't want to ignore the heart part of this sitch, but honestly, I am being as honest as I know how- I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. HE IS FREE, I AM FREE. I can re-invent myself here in this house and town and state, and what I do from here is my decision.

I call this^^ a momentary sampling of Detachment. Try to remember it when it slips away...


Please don't ignore my post because you think I have one up on you.... this is, in some ways, harder than it's ever been. And I need you, 25, and Sara, and Cadence, and Own, and Tryin...... my go-to places when all else seems lost.

okay since I'm - legally- married to a DOCTOR (and feel I must put that in all caps b/c it's SO important...)

I'm quite fatigued by the "work commitments". Are you serious? Forget it. No thanks, been there, done that. And raised 3 kids pretty much as a single mother.

If/WHEN your m is the priority it always should have been, he can visit.

If it were me, I'd be making my plans as if he's in Antartica and IF IF IF he really makes plans and follows thru, deal with it then.

I would not suggest another specific date but blow it off like "well, maybe someday our paths will cross but meanwhile, have a great summer. Buh BYE"

because frankly, if he cannot MAKE this happen, now, then truly, why bother?
It's just delaying your forward movement with more limbo.

He lacks clarity and his priorities are still skewed. You are STILL not the priority. OMG

Would you date and then get into a serious r with a man who openly shows that you are not "THE" priority in his life but maybe...someday...later...when northing more interesting is happening?...(which is the very type of man to be tempted to wander when times get tough, and life always gives us tough times eventually).

You need and deserve a man who has your back, including making the marital R the main priority in his life. Particularly when it needs to heal from the damage HE inflicted.... OMG (again!)

If he cannot MAKE the effort your m so richly deserves, now, how on earth could you two do the really really hard part of this, known as piecing? Excuse me but what is he offering to you?


Knowing what I know now, (and sorry if I'm overly projecting)

I'd let him do the heavy lifting for a long time, before I'd go all in.


Sorry...

[leahsue]

Thanks 25. You are exactly right.
My sister said almost what you said verbatim. And I know it's true.
It's time I faced the music.
No more effort from me to even meet him halfway.
I just can't any more.