Hi Thornton - I was reading your last few posts about some of your feelings returning from BD and still seeing the woman you love in your W.
You are so much farther along than me but I just wanted to echo that I am experiencing things in a similar way. My W broke down in front of me last week and it brought back in me lots of feelings that I had for her before the BD day. The next day I was seething with anger and contempt for her.
Stay strong friend. Somehow when I read the posts of others that are struggling in similar ways to me it just helps. Keep posting. There's s solidarity of some kind just knowing I'm somehow not alone and that my feelings are normal.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
Hi Thornton - I was reading your last few posts about some of your feelings returning from BD and still seeing the woman you love in your W.
You are so much farther along than me but I just wanted to echo that I am experiencing things in a similar way. My W broke down in front of me last week and it brought back in me lots of feelings that I had for her before the BD day. The next day I was seething with anger and contempt for her.
interesting that WE can have the same confusions and mood swings too. It's so crucial to talk things out with a safe person (therapist or truly discreet friend/family member)
to kind of bounce ideas off of. Not with the spouse...
Stay strong friend. Somehow when I read the posts of others that are struggling in similar ways to me it just helps. Keep posting. There's s solidarity of some kind just knowing I'm somehow not alone and that my feelings are normal.
it does help. Hence my presence! Amazing at times to realize so many people were or are like us and join the walking wounded. All around us...
When my mom died, I realized that's just universal. Loss is part of every life. I'd heard that 100 times, but it really hit me more, later.
Doing our best means to get the tools to cope with loss. Somehow many of us lack them, but there are resources around and we'd be nuts not to avail ourselves of those resources.
Like here!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It's so hard to believe it now, things get so much better regardless of the outcome of the R. I know you know it too. You and I have been on very very similar paths and have discussed the eerie similarities at times. I am still recovering as well and everyday is different. You can do this. I know you can.
If you're all my ex lived with me for 3-4 months after b-day and some days she was a super blank. Others very similar to how yours is now. Filled with fear and potential regret. To the point when leaving me for OM flat out asked if I would still be there for her if things don't work out for her.
It gets better, being fresh it still hurts, everything takes time buddy. Be the best you for you
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Great advice, Ty. Thank you for the encouragement.
Last night was more of the same. She thinks we have a chance to be an awesome couple in the future. Blah blah blah...
She mentioned something that really blew me away last night. She said she wants me to chase her. That she has always chased me (huh?). I told her I could not chase someone who has left me 3x and moved to another state.
Basically, I think she regrets her decision to leave but she has painted such an ugly picture of me to all her friends and family that she can't turn back now without looking like an idiot. So if I chase her and she can show everyone how genuine I am, then it will be easier to convince her friends and family that she is getting back together with me.
^^^ I will not chase her. Nope. Can't do it. Won't do it.
I love this woman but I realize I need to love myself more.
At what point do you stop these kinds of conversations and go out and do something else? You come in here and type "blah blah blah"....but why are you having basically the same conversation with her again and again?
Kaizen raises a good point. Lots of long repetitive (words) conversations that you son & analyze, all while your w is still leaving you, again.
Let's face something that sounds harsh but is factual. Your marriage is 5 years old. The problems of her leaving you (3 times) makes up more than half or your marriage...
Let her go. IF IF IF she changes for real, you can cross that bridge then.
She's treating you like a yo yo, subject to the whims of whatever emotions she feels at a given time. She has a pattern. You cannot change that. But Thornton, YOU also have a pattern.
What are you going to change your own pattern?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I don't know to be honest. This is a very trying time for me, clearly I'm still attached and I suspect detaching from all of this is going to take some time.
I use this board to vent when I'm stuck in my own head. It helps me to type things out and then take a step back to re-read them.
I know my focus needs to be on me. But as I'm sure you are aware, when you are so close to the time of bomb drop, focusing on yourself is extremely hard to do. My entire life is changing this Saturday. I will lose not only my W but D as well that I've raised as my own since she was 3 years old. To me, it's the end of the world.
Hey Kaizen, - I use this board to vent when I'm stuck in my own head. It helps me to type things out and then take a step back to re-read them. I understand this^^ quite well. Sometimes it takes the written word for us to step back and see things objectively. What are you getting from it? What message or lesson?
My entire life is changing this Saturday. I will lose not only my W but D as well that I've raised as my own since she was 3 years old. To me, it's the end of the world.
You can stay in touch with your stepdaughter. You will still have a relationship with her if you want to .
This is not the end of the world. It concerns me that you would use those words.
Thinking it's the end of the world is "catastrophic thinking", or "all or nothing".
It's not productive or healthy and it's also not accurate. You were not in a healthy marriage. You can see your stepdaughter and you can certainly stay in touch.
Sorry Thornton. I know this sounds brutal and blunt.
But when someone leaves you 3 times in 5 years, it's hard to imagine the great times as being much more than brief blips of "no trauma/drama" time in between...
Be objective Thornton. Take that step back and read what we are telling you and what you are saying...
Thornton, I Know this "is so hard". Trust me there. I get it.
I've been m to my h 2/3 of my life. I did all the heavy lifting in the M for the past decade.
But you must change the message you are giving yourself.
"This is an opportunity for me to grow as a man. I must do this work."
"I will not let someone else determine how my life goes. I am in charge of how my life goes."
None of her behavior is different or new. The WORDING might be different, but the actions are all that matters.
She's leaving. Like most of us, You just have to cope with that.
Please start increasing your contact with your older d. Show her that she is valuable to you. *If I were your older d, and saw you moping so much about your "end of the world" it would scare me and it would hurt my feelings. As if she is not enough.
Be her rock. Be your rock.
Please don't stay stuck. Your d is watching you.
She will look at your behavior now, for how to handle the inevitable rejection and heartbreak she will someday face in life.
Join me in making a new path forward.
It's a trajectory we did not want, but which we must accept.
It's reality - and it's Not the end of the world. It's the beginning of the rest of our lives. This is not a dress rehearsal. As far as I know, It's the only life we are given.
I plan on making the most of mine. How about you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I didnt mean the end of the world, literally. It's just a pivotal moment in my life that scares the hell out of me. What specifically is so terrifying? Dig deep.
Keep your brutal honesty coming, 25. It helps me re-frame some things in my mind when I start idealizing her and the relationship. Thank GOD you're okay with it! Okay, so when I just read your signature block and see a 40 y/o man who has only been m for 5 years, two questions arise.
1) what was your life like before this relatively short m?
2) your 5 year marriage with 3 BD's shows me a glow in the dark glaring pattern that you seem a bit addicted to.
Do you think a part of you likes the drama/trauma she creates (and confuses it with passion)
OR is it what you got used to growing up...? Learned to accept rejection as par for the course?
I know this is my big opportunity to make some changes in my life, for me. I will take advantage of that and I will keep trying my best.
Can you remove the word "Trying" in that last sentence and just do it?
Sometimes I get bogged down in wording but I also see significance to it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thornton, you deserve a break. Do what YOU think is right and will make you happy. If you want a big heartfelt hug to be the last thing she remembers as she drives away, do it. If you want to stay away from her between now and then, do it. All this advice comes down to: you do what you want to do. It's your life. Que sera, sera. Thinking of you...
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Really good question and I've often pondered that maybe I'm caught up in the push/pull, hot/cold dynamic. Maybe I'm addicted to the honeymoon phase after a reconciliation??? I'm not sure to be honest.
Before this relationship I was in a 4 year long relationship with the woman I met after my first marriage ended. She was very emotionally absent. I would typically see her once a week. She was definately an avoidant. This relationship was mostly about sex, I believe. We were sexually compatible but not much beyond that.
Looks like you have had some good advice today Thornton. I do shake my head at the immaturity of someone who will dump you (for the third time) make plans to move to another state and then say - I need you to chase me...and believe that may happen??
It is worth exploring your tendency to idealise your R with your ex GF. It certainly doesn't sound like a terribly healthy one - being together 5 years, her ending the R 3 times. This time just before you were going to get engaged. Then asking you to chase her..
I know it isn't easy but for sure I would let her go, work through the heartache, work on you! Don't rush into a new R - explore the dynamics of your previous two relationships and work on the bits where your own approach contributed negatively to the dynamic.
Also, truly absorb this message - I truly deserve better than to be walking around on eggshells wondering when my partner is next going to flake out...
Good luck for the next few days - and if in doubt ask yourself - what would Clint do....would he chase??
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Ouch...and, that kind of speaks for itself. This really is a pattern for her.
So it's up to YOU to break your pattern and now, you have a great chance for it.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yesterday was W's last day at work and she went out with co-workers afterwards.
I had my IC appointment and then went home, had dinner, and was in bed by the time W got home.
She crawled into my bed and laid her head on my chest and started sobbing. She literally soaked the sheets with her tears. When she started to regain her composure, she kissed me and we ended up having sex.
It doesn't change anything. She's still leaving in a few days. She keeps telling me that I'm her "person" and that she loves me so much. This is quite the 180 from when she was spewing and stomping around the house.
I dont know what to think or feel anymore. I think I've sort of gone numb. Trying to make sense of it all has been my downfall.
She crawled into my bed and laid her head on my chest and started sobbing. She literally soaked the sheets with her tears. When she started to regain her composure, she kissed me and we ended up having sex.
Thornton, this makes me angry for you. Didn't she recently suggest one last roll in the hay and you turned her down saying that you didn't think it would be good for you?
Then she does this anyway? You "ended up" having sex because she got in your bed and that's what she wanted from you.
I feel like she doesn't respect your boundaries, as if her feelings and wants are the only ones that matter. Also, I feel like she did that to reassure herself that you were still attached to her, or at least now you would be.
She sure prioritizes herself, huh?
I guess it's not so bad if you can see it for what it was and not be too set back by it. ... Can you?
She crawled into my bed and laid her head on my chest and started sobbing. She literally soaked the sheets with her tears. When she started to regain her composure, she kissed me and we ended up having sex.
Thornton, this makes me angry for you. Didn't she recently suggest one last roll in the hay and you turned her down saying that you didn't think it would be good for you?
Then she does this anyway? You "ended up" having sex because she got in your bed and that's what she wanted from you.
I feel like she doesn't respect your boundaries, as if her feelings and wants are the only ones that matter. Also, I feel like she did that to reassure herself that you were still attached to her, or at least now you would be.
She sure prioritizes herself, huh?
I guess it's not so bad if you can see it for what it was and not be too set back by it. ... Can you?
It's funny because when she was crying, I was thinking to myself what her real intentions were. In the past, I would have automatically assumed it was because she loved me.
But as real as her tears were, I was still hesitant in believing everything at face value. I still am.
I really don't know what her intentions are. She keeps talking about a future together and I am remaining completely neutral when she asks me about it. I just tell her I can only focus on today.
I can't distinguish if she is having real regret, or if she is simply setting me up to be a backup plan.
My self esteem has taken a beating in the last few months so I'm having a hard time trusting my feelings/instincts about things.
The good news is that I'm aware of my pattern now ^^^. I dont know how to remedy it, but I know my thoughts/actions are being driven by my emotions. I need to step back and think about this objectively.
You do not suck at this. You are dealing with a very hard to deal with situation.
This of reverse DB. Think of her as DBing you. You don't believe any of this, because there is no time and consistency in her actions.
If there is true regret she will do her 180's, she will respect your boundaries and not only be regretful because she isn't getting what she wants. If she is regretful, I believe she will do the work she needs to do because she is not well. If not for you, if not for her, I hope she does it for her daughter.
[quote=Thornton]I've been thinking about this all morning long.
It's funny because when she was crying, I was thinking to myself what her real intentions were. In the past, I would have automatically assumed it was because she loved me.
But as real as her tears were, I was still hesitant in believing everything at face value. I still am.
I really don't know what her intentions are. She keeps talking about a future together and I am remaining completely neutral when she asks me about it. I just tell her I can only focus on today. I can't distinguish if she is having real regret, or if she is simply setting me up to be a backup plan. I think you know the answer to ^^this, and it really hurts to admit it. -
At at minimum, your gf clearly wants you as a back up plan and her tears were for the fear she has that she might Later regret leaving - but she is still leaving.
That's what she is DOING and whatever else happens, the leaving is what matters.
My self esteem has taken a beating in the last few months so I'm having a hard time trusting my feelings/instincts about things. she knows this^^^
The good news is that I'm aware of my pattern now ^^^. I dont know how to remedy it, but I know my thoughts/actions are being driven by my emotions. I need to step back and think about this objectively.
I really suck at this.
I don't think you suck at this. I think the revelations you have had are among the hardest. When people tell me that my h is a narcissist or a lying cheat, it doesn't really make me feel good at all.
Makes me feel like "what's wrong with ME that I'd choose/be with h?" We also want to believe the best of our partners b/c we love them.
When we are faced with the brutal reality that we are & have been badly treated, it stings even more.
Because a part of us knows that now, seeing them more clearly, makes it so much LESS likely that we will ever reconcile. Because now we see the truth.
Sometimes the best way to "win" at this poker game is to fold, cut losses and play somewhere else OR walk away from the table and see what else life offers.
If your gf has a spectacular awakening, & wants to have a healthy r, and if you are ready to do the same, THEN you can cross that bridge.
You can hope for that at this point, but don't expect it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
While I'm sure she has feelings for you, in the past, have those tears prevented her from leaving? Have they caused her to value what she has in you? Or are they a tool that she knows she can use to secure you for however long she wants you?
I hope you don't take offense to that. It says nothing about your overall worth; I think she is very invested in herself and getting what she wants. And you know she wants Thornton as a backup plan right now?
So, are you someone's plan B? Or do you deserve better than that? Do you deserve someone - whether it is W or someone else - to treasure every day she has with you?
Right now, she sees you as her safety net and we all know you're much more than that. And you deserve someone - W or someone else - who chooses to be with you every single day.
She could stop this if she wanted it. Sure, she'd lose face with others (coworkers, family), but she could choose that. She's not choosing it, so continue prioritizing your well being. And what's best for you is to detach from her as best as you can.
Thank you all for your posts. I am really fighting my instincts that have always gotten me in trouble.
Just received a text from W:
I am overwhelemd with the way I am feeling. I do not regret last night and I hope you don't. This is all such a mess. But I have to remain raw. And as I have said you are tatooed on my heart and I remain hopeful for the future in what feels like an impossible situation right now. (sad emoticon face).
A crying woman will be okay, and she does not need someone to rescue her from herself. She can choose to be responsible for the consequences of her choices (losing Thornton as an option) and to stop her crying all on her own.
She is an adult. Just as adult men are responsible for their choices, adult women are responsible for their choices. A woman who constantly looks for a white knight to rescue her is not a healthy woman/good prospect for a partner.
As romantic as fairy tales are, any adult woman who regularly looks to another adult to save her is simply not healthy.
You've mentioned your history and your tendency to want to save women from themselves. I would like you to get to the point where you're able to value a woman who doesn't need you to save her.
I'd also like you to accept that you have value just as a companion, and not when you act as rescuer.
W is purposefully triggering your emotional need to rescue, and I believe she is doing it to manipulate you into doing what she wants (pledging availability to her and/or relocating.) Do not allow yourself to fall into that trap.
She's an adult, and she can take care of herself, including owning the consequences of her choices. The current consequence is that by leaving the relationship she loses you as an option.
Hmm, I think she upped her game to secure you as plan B...sorry if that stings (and I'm sure you are lovely and desirable too) - but that's my take.
Here's the deal. She would love to go having you say - you're my person too and I'll wait for you. But it would be really bad news for you to do that.
I would simply respond - I'm sorry if you're having a rough day - I enjoyed last night too. I understand you want to move away and I'll rebuild my life as best I can when you are gone. Take care.
No plan B okay??
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am overwhelemd with the way I am feeling. I do not regret last night and I hope you don't. This is all such a mess. But I have to remain raw. And as I have said you are tatooed on my heart and I remain hopeful for the future in what feels like an impossible situation right now. (sad emoticon face).
THEN DON'T CREATE IMPOSSIBLE SITUATIONS, W. It's as easy as that!
I'm mad for you, Thornton. After last night and this text, I am certain she is actively trying to manipulate you.
Thornton, PLEASE don't let your emotions determine your behavior these next few days. She is leaving. Like 25 said, no matter what she says, look at her actions. I don't think she is a stable woman. You deserve better than someone playing you this way. You know in your head that you need to stand tall with dignity as she drives away. Let her cry. Make this departure one that you will look back on with pride, knowing you did not chase, beg or whine. Be the man you are. I know it will hurt hurt hurt. But you can do this. Stay strong. ((((( )))))
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I have no intention of chasing her, moving, or pledging my undying love for her.
I really appreciate all your feedback and for looking out for me.
Forcing myself to think differently than I have my entire life has been very difficult for me. But I'm so thankful for all of you to be my guard rails.
Have you considered that your wife is a crazy person? Reminds me of my wife back during her MLC. I zapped that crazy right out of her when I had her served with divorce papers. Sobered her right up.
In the end I'm still divorcing her. I deserve better than being cheated on. Everyone does.
Thornton, you can do this. A new chapter of your life starts now, one where you make healthier choices for yourself.
Starting now, Thornton holds women responsible for their choices. He's no one's white knight, because the women he chooses to commit to don't need rescuing.
It's going to feel like work to change your ways, but you've got to fake it until you make it. Picture us standing beside you, lending you strength.
W chose to leave, and you should not make HER feel better by giving her any impression that you're in the wings. She's left the relationship, and soon the area, and the consequence is she loses you. Whether there is any future for you, or if it is with another person, it is crucial that you actively assert to W that you are moving on without her.
Do not allow tears to soften your resolve, as some women use tears to manipulate men. Allow her to have to feel your loss, because you deserve to be valued.
Good for you Thornton. I'm going to ask you to turn the tables for a moment. Let's just say you are in a R with a gal. You dump her once, then get back together. Then again you get cold feet and dump her again. You guys reconcile. Then you have a wobble about the commitment - and you really miss your Mum. So you dump her again and decide to move 1000 miles away...you hope she might keep a door open for you while you test out your new life - maybe even join you??
How would you feel about her if she actually followed you?? I agree - I'm sure she has many lovely qualities, but she's also a little crazy too I think!!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Great point, Sotto! Makes sense to me that if I were to up and move for her after she left me 3x, she would never respect me (And I would never respect myself).
(but to be honest, i think it'd have been harder on ALL parties to have to watch...)
And now, the fear & anxiety of her going, can leave. The mourning & learning, set in.
So how are you, so far? Any chance you and your D can do dinner or a movie? I know shes a teenager, but still...your D probably misses her little step sister and there are always movies to see in the day on weekends. Get some time with her.
Get your mind off things. Your gf is driving with her mother so you know you're NOT missing a great time. Let her wonder what YOU are doing...out of the house!
anyway, keep us posted
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree - let yourself grieve. And then start planning your life going forward. Stick with us, dig deep and work through your fears and it will be a good life I promise.
Leave her be and start to think about GAL. In June, can you try one new activity that involves others and may become a regular thing?
😊
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
That is a tough pill to swallow. However, I think 25 hit it on the head by saying that it is probably easier then having to watch or even help her move the stuff out.
I read about a sitch where the W actually helped her WAS move his stuff out. She said the whole time she stayed strong and wouldn't let him see how bad it hurt. She said when it was all over she went inside and broke down.
You kinda knew this was coming so maybe it was better to get it over quickly. Kinda like ripping a band aid off. Now you can keep the focus where it is needed.
Quote:
I'm sure I will see her and D before they leave.
Hopefully you will get some time this weekend with D before they do leave. Maybe ask W if you can take her to get some ice cream or something. Anything to spend a little quality time before they leave. Either way, hang in there man and try to enjoy the weekend!
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Thornton, So sorry to hear about the move out. My W left while I was at work unexpectedly. Honestly, for me it would have been brutal to watch her move out and leave. I'm glad I didn't learn of her plans and have to suffer through the process of her leaving. The pain does hurt though. Yes the house looks different and I see a lot of memories in my home of us. But I can tell you that it will get better. I rearranged things and as I was able to adapt to new routines and the house doesn't seem as empty.
The initial shock does sting and I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I feel horrible for all of us on the forum dealing with the choices of another person. I don't think I have the words to help as I struggle to even find the correct words for myself.
I can say this.... Things do get easier and they do get better.... and then you might cycle back as you grieve the loss. I've had a lot of good days recently and then a few bad ones but I know I'm making progress.
I can see the progress you have made through your posts. You can do this and you are strong enough to endure. e
Me 38, Her 40 T-14, M-13, No kids BD-1 4/14- EA/PA BD-2 10/14- EA BD-3 2/17- EA/PA W Moves out 2.10.17 in with AP W Served D papers 3.6.17 Divorce Final- 5.23.17
Thorn, I'm thinking about you. I have not advice for you. Do what feels best and do know that it will definitely without a doubt of course it can be no other way... get better. It will. XO
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I'm praying for you. This is a day that I am trying so hard to avoid. The only advice I can give is to stay busy, but we all know that there will be moments when you break down.
Don't have much advice but just wanted you to know you will be okay. The pain will pass. The bandaid has been ripped off. Allow time to process this and pick yourself up and move forward. You've been here before and have so many that look up to you because of your strength. Don't forget that.
I'm sorry Thornton. It is good to let your grief out - that is cleansing and healing. You may even find that some of what you have been holding onto from your childhood gets cleansed too. The worst has come to pass - the moment you dreaded where she drove away has happened. Sometimes there is release in that too.
You feel you don't know how you will get through this right now. But you will. Tomorrow you may well feel a tiny bit better and the next day too. Then maybe a dip, then better again. A state of raw pain is never permanent and it will pass..
Keep posting and we will all be here for you (((((hugs)))))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
It improves. It's NOT Linear. But Thornton, I've had some good days, and a few great ones.
You may still believe this rocky r was the main route to happiness for you. I hope you will entertain the possibility that this r was Not what you hoped it would ever be.
A rocky 5 year relationship in your life has taken a turn. It might be over.
But Your life is not over.
YOU are in charge of how your days go, from this day forward. Seriously, you are.
So what are you going today?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sorry to hear buddy but stay strong. I went through a similar point and to tell you the truth, everything got so much better once she was gone. Obviously it takes a bit of getting used to, but I think the real healing, learning and self reflection takes place once you are on your own. Be sure to do what you can to stay active and make it through the first few days. I can promise you that it gets better.
Just checking in to see how you are doing today Thornton? Hoping you feel a tiny bit better than yesterday. Whilst it may feel anything but right now, I truly hope that in time, you come to see this as a gift - and that you manage to make the very most of that gift and rebuild a good life for yourself.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm ok. Yesterday was really hard but I hung in there. Today I'm really tired because I didn't sleep well at all last night.
This morning I went and had coffee at the local Starbucks and then washed my truck. No plans for later, I think I'm just gonna rest today and collect my thoughts.
It feels really empty now that W is gone. I'm trying to just sit with my emotions and let them pass.
Now then Thornton, I'm going to revisit this topic of GAL with you..
She has gone and that is rough, and it is what it is. The house feels empty and she has left a gap in your life which you need to fill..
We have suggested some GAL that is a little more social and your IC has done the same. You've also shared that you may find something that is 'full on' social - like a bar Meetup - a little too much. So, we've then discussed GAL, which is in the company of others but the social contact is more incidental to the shared activity.
You've also said that you don't want to jump into another R - out of loneliness or to avoid the pain - which I think is a really good idea to stick to. And you've said you don't want a life where you come home to an empty one bed apartment and a TV dinner..
So, you don't seem to have taken any solid steps toward doing what others feel would help you at this point. And whilst you are hurting, I do feel - now is the time - to really pick up and start moving forward.
My goal was this - to try one new activity a month which may become a regular GAL activity. I mostly did this and the various GAL activities I tried settled down into four or five regular things, which are now 'my life' alongside existing family, friends and work. I'm not saying my goal is what you should do. Merely, that I think you should a) set yourself a clear goal in this area and b) start some solid work towards it...
I'd love to see you thrive following this break up and I do feel this would be a good path for you.
So, what do you think my friend?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I know this is painful right now, so I hope you're going easy on yourself. Do what makes you feel good and be as kind to yourself as you are to others. You are worthy, just as you are today.
As to be expected, not a great weekend. I held it together for the most part but I'm still adjusting to all the silence. I havent heard a peep from W since she left, I suppose that's a good thing.
I was able to get out of the house a little bit. Took the dog for a walk, did some retail therapy etc. But I just was not in the mood to be very social. I think I just needed some time to just be alone with my thoughts and feelings.
I kind of feel like I'm just floating along. I'm not interested in doing much but realize I need to force myself. And that's what I intend to do.
Hang in there, Thornton. You've got this. Your years of suffering through all this are OVER. A nice hike or kayaking... soon.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Suprisingly, I am doing better than I thought I would. One of the girls I work with told me that the women in our company have caught wind that I'm single and some of them want to ask me out.
I have ZERO intentions of dating anytime soon but the ego boost from hearing that was much needed.
I will say that sometimes I find that to be the best time to be social. Helps divert my attention to more positive interactions and puts me in a better mood when I start drifting back to those other feelings. Im not saying to ignore your feelings or your pain, but sometimes, Ive found sitting and 'stewing' only reinforces or enhances those negative emotions.
I went through a breakup recently that left me really depressed. I am a social person and I have had no desire to do anything social. I sleep and read. (and spend time with my kid of course). I've literally dragged myself to social outings in the past weekend and while I thought of every reason to cancel in my head, I ended up going to every single one of them
And you know what? I am glad I did. Talking others unrelated to my heartbreak really helped. I felt like my old self again, even if only for a few hours.
I encourage you to force yourself to do a little socialization. it really does help.
Suprisingly, I am doing better than I thought I would. One of the girls I work with told me that the women in our company have caught wind that I'm single and some of them want to ask me out.
I have ZERO intentions of dating anytime soon but the ego boost from hearing that was much needed.
Back to the gym tonight.
You'll get back on the horse soon and when you do, you'll love it. Stay the course.
Suprisingly, I am doing better than I thought I would.
We're in a similar place (though I'm on the second time) and I was also shocked at how well I'm doing.
Two things have helped: 1- going through this once already, and 2- knowing it's HIM, not me
(Disclaimer with #2: that doesn't mean he doesn't have valid issues about the relationship)
The second one has been a relief, because it means I can't slip into my rejection/abandonment issues, which is what causes me the most pain.
Still, it hasn't been easy. I'm at the point where many of my support network seem to think I'm fine, and have stopped checking in. I'm not fine.
I also watched a movie that ended up much more "star crossed lovers" than I'd anticipated, and I had a sobbing session when it ended.
Quote:
One of the girls I work with told me that the women in our company have caught wind that I'm single and some of them want to ask me out.
OoooooOOOOOoooooo. Thornton's a hot property, eh?
Take it slow. I know you're going to, but remember that you get yourself into trouble when you rush in, even if it's not a committed relationship (meaning you just develop a crush). Your "people picker" needs some work, and rushing means that you're picking someone out of habit, and your habits are no good for you.
Sending you positives. Glad you decided to sit with your emotions and not hide from them.
There do come times when we have to begin our healing process (and we all backslide there too). And we need to remind ourselves that it's Our job to heal, not someone else or someone new.
God, how tempting it would be to just get into a new R and act as if the past X years were way in the past and not have to look at that or our roles in it
or how we repeat patterns,
but that's not an authentic healthy r, is it? And inauthentic r's are not going to be part of our futures, are they?
And we will not put all our eggs in another person's basket. We won't put our happiness onto their shoulders
and we will be rocks for our children...
all of this^^^ takes time AND GAL and truly, Thornton I think a lot of the issues you and IC have identified
with the introversion and not liking to socialize much and feeling stuck and also believing you cannot be whole or happy without an unstable r in your life
are all related, aren't they?
Hence the many suggestions by others to get out and socialize. I was amazed your meet up group was at a bar.
I'm going to one this Sunday and it's a discussion group that meets every Sunday to talk about current events or things like "Is War Inevitable?"
There are films groups if you feel too pressed in discussion groups.
Bowling leagues, team sports for people over 40, (or 50), and simply a lot of things to join and do if you look.
Look online in your area, b/c I think you'll find something you are curious about or always wanted to do or wondered if you could, or want to overcome
*I had to take a math class to qualify for teaching and believe me, that was a challenge for my brain but it delighted me to pass it in a way that almost makes me laugh b/c it was high school math but in MY real life, I never used algebra!! I cannot claim it was fun to study math, okay?
But it felt solidifying and encouraging to my self esteem.
I say all this^^^ and so do others, b/c I firmly believe that GAL will lessen your pain.
Inertia is a powerful force, sometimes almost a friend. But it always keeps you stuck.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm hanging in there. There are times that I'm really lonely, but I have been able to switch gears after a little while.
GAL hasn't been going well because I've been sick with a nasty head cold. Hopefully, I will feel better by the weekend so I can get out and do some things.
W sent me a picture of some flowers she put on my sister's grave in our old home town (where W moved to).
I responded thanks for doing that and she replied "of course".
What a strong emotionaly reaction that created for me. As many of you know, my sister was killed in a auto accident when I was 10 years old. I attribute alot of my issues to the things that happened after she died. I can trace alot of my relationship issues to the trauma I went through.
It's ironic, that the woman I have a dysfuntional relationship with went and put flowers on my sisters grave. And if my sister never died, I probably would not have ended up in a relationship with W.
Not a whole lot to report lately. I've maintained NC with W other than when she sent me a pic of some flowers she placed at my sisters grave.
I've been keeping busy with work, the gym, and mountain biking. Next on the agenda is to get a kayak so I can explore some of the lakes and rivers around here.
At the end of this month, I am taking a week vacation to Southern California to visit with some old friends so that should be a lot of fun.
Yes, Thornton is a catch. I have evidence,ladies. Thorn, hang in there. Enjoy SoCal later this month. It gets better. XO
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I texted SD the day and that was nice. We texted briefly and then she was headed to the zoo.
Still NC with W, that's probably best for now.
I have been pretty active with biking the local trails, and taking the dog for long walks, and fishing.
I'm facing my fears, and spending alone time with my thoughts. I'm allowing myself to feel the pain this time instead of obsessing about ways to get W back so the pain goes away.
Hey Thornton, I'm not sure if you got your kayak, but I noticed fishing in your post about what you've been up to. If you didn't get a kayak, do it, they really open up areas for fishing, you can sometimes find them at a big discount on craigslist.
I just wanted to give a suggestion for GAL, look online for fishing forums in your area, or better yet kayak fishing, and see if there are any people that want to meet up to fish. I joined a kayak fishing club through a NC forum, and a bunch of us get together every couple of months for a camping/fishing weekend, and individuals meet up for a day on the water in different areas. I can't tell you how many "friends" I've made since I've joined, and the best part is when you meet up, there is no social stress because if all you talk about is fishing it's completely acceptable/normal. And I also have people I now know personally that I chat with online on the forum, which is a bonus for those quiet times at home.
Being in a new state with only one friend nearby, it greatly accelerated my social life.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Sorry to drag up an older post, but I just had to comment on this:
Originally Posted By: Thornton
Basically, I think she regrets her decision to leave but she has painted such an ugly picture of me to all her friends and family that she can't turn back now without looking like an idiot.
There was a "reformed WAW" (she had reconciled with her H) that came here and shared her experience years ago, similar to reading Sandi's posts I found it really fascinating to hear things from her perspective because it helps to understand what our WAS's go through. Anyway I remember her saying that she almost decided not to reconcile with her H because she could not stand the thought of having to explain to all of her friends and family why she would want to get back with the person she had been trashing and dragging through the mud to them for months! She had made him out to be a horribly evil person to justify to her friends, family and even herself that leaving him was her ONLY course of action. When the WAS does this, what do you think their friends and family say? Well of course they tell her "leave that dirtbag ASAP!!!" The WAS crafts a situation that MAKES people tell him/ her what they WANT to hear. Much of it is exaggerated or just plain false. So to return, they have to explain to people that THEY were as much a problem as the LBS, and sometimes pride just won't let them do that!
She misses me. She's still in love with me. Her hope is that after we both heal ourselves, that we will re-connect instead of me replacing her with someone else.
She then went of to tell me she felt like I didn't accept her for who she is and that's one of the reasons she had to leave. This is news to me and I responded that I thought she left because I was "abusive".
I then challenged her and asked her to tell me what I didn't accept about her. The only example she could provide was from years ago!
When I hear from her like this, it really throws me off. Part of me feels angry she is texting me like this.
I think she wants me to commit to waiting for her while she figures out her life. That really pisses me off.
Hi Thornton, do you see how the loop is going around again from her end?
My view would be don't even engage with her on that stuff and stick with validation only - I'm sorry you feel that way, I'm sure if we both reflect on things there are ways we could have been better partners to each other..be well and take care.
You see, you know already she isn't making much sense, so best not to get drawn in..
I liked Coconut's suggestion of GAL by the way...might that be of interest?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hmm, what's your goal? Is it to save your M or just get support for moving forward?
I say that cause your wife reached out to temp check, and you kind of Vomited in her face. We all know what she said is crap, but if you throw it in her face she will "learn" not to reach out to you, and when/if she seriously wants to reach out to reconnect, she won't because every time she reaches out it ends bad.
Ignore those texts, there's no winning situation in responding, you're not going to get her to admit she was wrong and you're only going to push her further away..
I get it, I hold onto that anger too, but you gotta just let it go and leave it unanswered.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Coconut, I'm not sure what my goal is right now in regards to W..
I've been GAL and getting into amazing shape and enjoying my me time.
Don't get me wrong, I miss W terribly. But I'm trying to view her through a more honest lens. She has issues just as I do. The difference is that I admit to my issues and truly work on them. She doesn't.
Coconut, I'm not sure what my goal is right now in regards to W..
I've been GAL and getting into amazing shape and enjoying my me time. Don't get me wrong, I miss W terribly. But I'm trying to view her through a more honest lens. pretty key
She has issues just as I do. The difference is that I admit to my issues and truly work on them. She doesn't.
That is a huge difference.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I was browsing Facebook (haven't checked FB in months) and W was tagged in a mutual friends picture looking happy.
I know I shouldn't put much thought into it, but it really bugs me to see her looking so happy without me.
I miss her.
FB is smoke and mirrors. I can't even begin to recount the number of people I've seen post crap on there about how perfect their life and family is when I know full well their reality is a whole lot more bleak than what they're posting. I really don't know why people do it, I guess they want everyone to envy their "perfect" life? Anyway, you're reading too much into it. Stopping to smile for a pic doesn't mean she's happy. But regardless, you will get to the point where her mood doesn't affect your mood. It takes time, but it will happen!
Thornton, I feel the exact same way. As much as I want to unfriend,disconnect to all of her social media outlets I can't because of our kids. But it kills me everytime I see a post and she looks so happy, I know this woman enough to know she is putting on a giant front! I can see it her eyes that she is stressed out. And to echo your you one statement " I miss her" I miss my wife every second of the day. Keep up what you are doing and take social media with a grain of salt!
Last edited by Cadet; 06/20/1705:04 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I have not had any contact with W in a week so not much new to report.
I've been GAL as much as I can and will be going to Cali starting tomorrow through next Thursday. It should be a good distraction.
I still miss W and her D like crazy and I still have some pretty down days but I think that is to be expected and this time Im leaning into the pain instead of trying to find a way to make it stop.
Enjoy, Thornton. Post when you get a chance and let us know how you're doing when you get back.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
