Hi Thornton - I was reading your last few posts about some of your feelings returning from BD and still seeing the woman you love in your W.
You are so much farther along than me but I just wanted to echo that I am experiencing things in a similar way. My W broke down in front of me last week and it brought back in me lots of feelings that I had for her before the BD day. The next day I was seething with anger and contempt for her.
Stay strong friend. Somehow when I read the posts of others that are struggling in similar ways to me it just helps. Keep posting. There's s solidarity of some kind just knowing I'm somehow not alone and that my feelings are normal.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
Hi Thornton - I was reading your last few posts about some of your feelings returning from BD and still seeing the woman you love in your W.
You are so much farther along than me but I just wanted to echo that I am experiencing things in a similar way. My W broke down in front of me last week and it brought back in me lots of feelings that I had for her before the BD day. The next day I was seething with anger and contempt for her.
interesting that WE can have the same confusions and mood swings too. It's so crucial to talk things out with a safe person (therapist or truly discreet friend/family member)
to kind of bounce ideas off of. Not with the spouse...
Stay strong friend. Somehow when I read the posts of others that are struggling in similar ways to me it just helps. Keep posting. There's s solidarity of some kind just knowing I'm somehow not alone and that my feelings are normal.
it does help. Hence my presence! Amazing at times to realize so many people were or are like us and join the walking wounded. All around us...
When my mom died, I realized that's just universal. Loss is part of every life. I'd heard that 100 times, but it really hit me more, later.
Doing our best means to get the tools to cope with loss. Somehow many of us lack them, but there are resources around and we'd be nuts not to avail ourselves of those resources.
Like here!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It's so hard to believe it now, things get so much better regardless of the outcome of the R. I know you know it too. You and I have been on very very similar paths and have discussed the eerie similarities at times. I am still recovering as well and everyday is different. You can do this. I know you can.
If you're all my ex lived with me for 3-4 months after b-day and some days she was a super blank. Others very similar to how yours is now. Filled with fear and potential regret. To the point when leaving me for OM flat out asked if I would still be there for her if things don't work out for her.
It gets better, being fresh it still hurts, everything takes time buddy. Be the best you for you
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Great advice, Ty. Thank you for the encouragement.
Last night was more of the same. She thinks we have a chance to be an awesome couple in the future. Blah blah blah...
She mentioned something that really blew me away last night. She said she wants me to chase her. That she has always chased me (huh?). I told her I could not chase someone who has left me 3x and moved to another state.
Basically, I think she regrets her decision to leave but she has painted such an ugly picture of me to all her friends and family that she can't turn back now without looking like an idiot. So if I chase her and she can show everyone how genuine I am, then it will be easier to convince her friends and family that she is getting back together with me.
^^^ I will not chase her. Nope. Can't do it. Won't do it.
I love this woman but I realize I need to love myself more.
At what point do you stop these kinds of conversations and go out and do something else? You come in here and type "blah blah blah"....but why are you having basically the same conversation with her again and again?
Kaizen raises a good point. Lots of long repetitive (words) conversations that you son & analyze, all while your w is still leaving you, again.
Let's face something that sounds harsh but is factual. Your marriage is 5 years old. The problems of her leaving you (3 times) makes up more than half or your marriage...
Let her go. IF IF IF she changes for real, you can cross that bridge then.
She's treating you like a yo yo, subject to the whims of whatever emotions she feels at a given time. She has a pattern. You cannot change that. But Thornton, YOU also have a pattern.
What are you going to change your own pattern?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I don't know to be honest. This is a very trying time for me, clearly I'm still attached and I suspect detaching from all of this is going to take some time.
I use this board to vent when I'm stuck in my own head. It helps me to type things out and then take a step back to re-read them.
I know my focus needs to be on me. But as I'm sure you are aware, when you are so close to the time of bomb drop, focusing on yourself is extremely hard to do. My entire life is changing this Saturday. I will lose not only my W but D as well that I've raised as my own since she was 3 years old. To me, it's the end of the world.
Hey Kaizen, - I use this board to vent when I'm stuck in my own head. It helps me to type things out and then take a step back to re-read them. I understand this^^ quite well. Sometimes it takes the written word for us to step back and see things objectively. What are you getting from it? What message or lesson?
My entire life is changing this Saturday. I will lose not only my W but D as well that I've raised as my own since she was 3 years old. To me, it's the end of the world.
You can stay in touch with your stepdaughter. You will still have a relationship with her if you want to .
This is not the end of the world. It concerns me that you would use those words.
Thinking it's the end of the world is "catastrophic thinking", or "all or nothing".
It's not productive or healthy and it's also not accurate. You were not in a healthy marriage. You can see your stepdaughter and you can certainly stay in touch.
Sorry Thornton. I know this sounds brutal and blunt.
But when someone leaves you 3 times in 5 years, it's hard to imagine the great times as being much more than brief blips of "no trauma/drama" time in between...
Be objective Thornton. Take that step back and read what we are telling you and what you are saying...
Thornton, I Know this "is so hard". Trust me there. I get it.
I've been m to my h 2/3 of my life. I did all the heavy lifting in the M for the past decade.
But you must change the message you are giving yourself.
"This is an opportunity for me to grow as a man. I must do this work."
"I will not let someone else determine how my life goes. I am in charge of how my life goes."
None of her behavior is different or new. The WORDING might be different, but the actions are all that matters.
She's leaving. Like most of us, You just have to cope with that.
Please start increasing your contact with your older d. Show her that she is valuable to you. *If I were your older d, and saw you moping so much about your "end of the world" it would scare me and it would hurt my feelings. As if she is not enough.
Be her rock. Be your rock.
Please don't stay stuck. Your d is watching you.
She will look at your behavior now, for how to handle the inevitable rejection and heartbreak she will someday face in life.
Join me in making a new path forward.
It's a trajectory we did not want, but which we must accept.
It's reality - and it's Not the end of the world. It's the beginning of the rest of our lives. This is not a dress rehearsal. As far as I know, It's the only life we are given.
I plan on making the most of mine. How about you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
