Gordie: trying to focus on me 2

[Gordie]

Weekly update: this was a week of w distancing. I just tried to be steady throughout. Hosted my son's birthday party and sleepover. W was busy so I did it solo. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I got a little something from me and the kids. I asked what w wanted to do and she got annoyed that I asked. Here's the good news: we handled the conflict like normal people. She expressed being annoyed. I apologized for not planning something. She said okay and that she wasn't mad at me. This is an improvement because in the past she would have just been simmering and I would say nothing and both would walk away upset.

[Gordie]

Mother's Day update. I felt like this was high stakes poker. W woke up to me and the kids and our little gifts and cards we had made, yet she was grumpy and refused to tell me what she wanted to do the rest of the day. It's like she didn't want to be with me or the kids and spent all morning by herself in the bedroom and bathroom. I'm determined to make the best of the day no matter her attitude. She emerges and I ask if she wants to go to church. She says she doesn't care. We go and of course it's about Mother's Day. We go to one of her favorite restaurants. She finally loosens up and starts smiling and engaging and having a good time. She spends time in the afternoon napping and by herself and in the evening she is in a good mode. At bed time, she says thank you for trying hard, a rare expression of appreciation. Does any of this make a difference? God only knows. At least I enjoyed the day with my w and kids. Trying to live one day at a time. It's all I've got.

[Gordie]

So this was an eventful week. W is moving out of the MBR and setting up a dorm room in her office. Mid week she had an emotional melt down. I'm no sure what triggered it. I gave her a lot of space and didn't try to ask her about it or comfort her. I was just steady and did my own thing and took care of the kids. She was cold and distant pre melt down. Post melt down she has been warm and friendly. She even thanked me for being able to handle her emotions. Yesterday she told me she loved me and gave me a long hug and said I just need more space. Those are the facts. I don't know how to interpret them. Trying to make the best of every day despite the circumstances. Tomorrow can worry about itself.

[OwnIt]

Gordie:

I'm sorry for this development, but it sounds like your attitude is a good one. When my H left I was worried about the space, but now I am glad I have it. It has helped me see more clearly and realize that my life can go on just fine. This gives me the backbone to demand what I want and not just be happy with the crumbs that come my way. While this is less space, I think you may find it frees you up as well.

[Gordie]

Thank you for the encouragement. I so much want to save my M but accept where I am in the present and that I can only control me. It's been 9 months and this hasn't killed me yet. I guess that means I'm stronger!

[Irish M]

Hi Gordie
I caught up with your sitch. You have a live-in MLCr. I can only imagine what that's like. You seem to have it together and focusing on your kids . Well done.

You had a question on her showing gratitude. I really think it does make a difference and she will remember it. If she wakes up she will remember. I truly hope for your family she comes out a much happier and healthier person. Continue what you are doing for yourself and the kids. Nothing else is as important.

Irish

[roist]

Gordie

You are doing great. I am proud of you. I think the most important part of what you have mentioned recently is that your W realises this is about her and not YOU. Whereas this does not guarantee a future reconciliation,iit is an essential part for one to be possible

Best wishes

[SBJ]

I think the most important part of what you have mentioned recently is that your W realises this is about her and not YOU. Whereas this does not guarantee a future reconciliation,iit is an essential part for one to be possible

roist...this struck a chord with me. Right after BD, my W said, "you are a great husband and a great father, but I have got something in my head that I have to work on, so don't worry, everything will be OK". The the batchitcrazy began.

I wonder if they all at first realize that there is something going on with them, but then all of the feelings and emotions take over and then they have to justify things...that is when the story changes. I don't know...I'm just talking out of my @$$.

Gordie, you are doing great and seem to be much more strong and stable than you were at the beginning of this trial. Keep the faith and take it one day at a time.

[roist]

SBJ, I know that must have been hard to understand. Don't try make sense of it. They have an urge to walk away and although may realise the LBS is great that cannot compare to their inner need to find happiness. It appears that in their twisted logic the lbs will always be a back up option tocome back to. That is why a part of DB is to ensure they realise ypibare not sitting around as option B waiting for them to reinstate you.

However I believe initially it is not about back up plans. They want out and a happier life without lbs. It is obvious to them that is the answer. There is no convincing otherwise....... at least not directly.

This urge/desire is so strong that any resistance reinforces it. By pulling on that rope or trying to control the outcome turns the lbs into an opponent and with that it does become about the lbs, although in reality it isn't.

Sbj, you may be right that some justify their decision by talking down the lbs. People will or won't believe this version but if you continue to be a great person and a good dad, people see that.

Best wishes

[SBJ]

Gordie...sorry if I hijacked.

roist, I have gotten to the point where I realize there is no making sense. This is something that is greater for them than anything that I can ever understand. All I can do is pray that she is safe and that God will guide her to where she is meant to be. That whole..."Thy will be done" part is something that I struggle with, but I do sincerely believe in. The longer this goes on I realize that I will be ok whichever direction this thing goes. My future doesn't hang onto her. I know what I would like to happen, but I know that I am only in control of me.

Your words of wisdom and encouragement have been extrememly helpful. I'm about to journal on my thread so I don't fill up Gords...have a great week guys!