Still here and still DB Although it is SO hard. It goes against everything I want to do lol. I get the concept behind it. And I am starting with a beginners mind. He started talking about the past last night. Its hard. Because when I answer his questions, anything I may say he will take it against him and then say this conversation isn't going anywhere as usual. Then he says lets just say its all my fault and I'm being ridiculous. And he ends the conversation. So what do I do in this situation? I have told him over and over that I do not think this is all his fault. It took both of us to destroy this relationship. How do I deal with this? He is obviously still in his fog. Do I just ignore it? And carry on.
Hello Henwen,
I would hold off on ignoring him at this point. However, there are things that could work and make a difference. I suggest you speak to a DB coach, as they are experts in looking at what has happened to bring you to this point in your relationship and what is the best way to interact with him, so that you are most likely to bring him closer and not push him any further away. Your coach's expertise will help you come up with a very specific plan (that may be counter intuitive to what you feel like saying and doing) on how to best turn things around. I wish you all the best and would be happy to discuss the coaching with you.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Thanks Cristy. I might just do that. Although some days it feels easier to just throw in the towel. Like today. I'm having a hard time with everything. I just question how he can throw away 21 years and everything we have in life. How he can upset our three kids. I just can't fathom that. I know everyone is in the same boat. And has the same questions. It's just frustrating. Especially this month. Which is what would have been our 22 year anniversary. I'm trying not to dwell on it. But it's hard.
I am signing up to a new gym in town this weekend. So I will be able to take some of my anger and upset out on the treadmill. And once I start to get active i will feel better about myself and my situation in life. I just figure that almost a year into this I would have let of the anger and hurt by now. So I'm really trying to do that. I hate days like this.
Sure, leaving might seem easier, but it isn't. Leaving just creates a different set of issues. Speaking with one of our DB Coaches will help you clarify your goals.
Good luck at your new gym! Sounds like an excellent plan!
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
So WH found out I was going out this weekend with friends. Ever since he has been confrontational. It's hard to not engage with him. I have a couple times because he just knows the buttons to push and I am so tired of him spinning his false version of our R history. It's driving me crazy.
So last night I got a text from my WH, at midnight, which is weird because I don't usually get texts from him. Especially after business hours. Anyways he was angry I was putting the bills in my name. He's angry that I went and tried to put my cell phone in my own name. Anything and everything came up. But everytime he said something I would ask myself the question. What do I want my end result to be? And will this comment or action bring me to that result? I felt empowered with that knowledge and strength to follow thru. I even threw in some appreciation comments so I could be his 'cheerleader' without feeling like a doormat. No idea what set him off last night.
So last night I got a text from my WH, at midnight, which is weird because I don't usually get texts from him. Especially after business hours. Anyways he was angry I was putting the bills in my name. He's angry that I went and tried to put my cell phone in my own name. Anything and everything came up. But everytime he said something I would ask myself the question. What do I want my end result to be? And will this comment or action bring me to that result? I felt empowered with that knowledge and strength to follow thru. I even threw in some appreciation comments so I could be his 'cheerleader' without feeling like a doormat. No idea what set him off last night.
Hi Henwen,
What you are saying sort of sounds like how I am handling things right now. My situation is probably the worst it has ever been. W is disrespecting the marriage by being with the OM whenever she chooses.
I'm choosing not to be her doormat but at the same time I'm not falling and acting like a doormat. I can still choose to be validating and positive and even kind. She has gone low but I'm not going there. I want to walk through this with my own dignity. I will come out of this on the other side with grace. "The loser now will be later to win."
Somehow as dark as it has gotten for me I can still find little things, songs, poems, photos, that bring me inspiration just to get through the day.
Hang in there.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
Resolut, you are in a tough situation for sure. I empathize. It would be very hard to be in your situation right now. I'm glad you are finding some light to concentrate on. I wish the same to you. Hang in there. Better days are ahead no matter how things end. As I keep saying to myself I won't always feel this way.
I had my first DB coaching session today. It was empowering to have a plan. It was nice to hear an impartial view on my situation and to have hope again. But know that if things don't work out then it will be ok as well. I'm ready to face tomorrow and my WH with my goal oriented plan and new views.
So I followed my coach's advice. Sent WH my apology letter. Made sure there was nothing but validation for him in there and asked for forgiveness. I don't get a response from him. Which i suspected. But I continue to treat him as a friend and drop all R talk. I don't question him. Every interaction I have with him is nice and light and friendly. Today is the second day since I sent the forgiveness letter. He is nicer and lighter. Even playfully swatting me with paper. I'm not looking into any of the behavior change as anything. I'm staying my course. But it's nice to not have that anger edge coming from both of us.
Today is a rough day. Weekends always are. I'm getting tired of the game of him not knowing what he wants and me feeling like I'm spinning out of control. So I checked myself and went outside and did some lawn work. Went grocery shopping. Stuff that took my mind off things. I have a question tho. He says it's over. He says he is tired of the arguing, etc. so what do I do here? Do I continue to just fence sit with him until he makes up his mind. Or do i just push for the things I want done. Like getting the house out of his name, changing the house bills to my name. To show him that I am tired of the game and if he sinserelt wants to move on then this is what needs to be done. I had a flood in my basement the other morning. And I didn't even let him know. Because he doesn't live here so it isn't his issue any more. At least in my eyes it isn't. And he will get upset that I didn't tell him because he constantly wants to help and I just see him helping as him wanting to assuage his guilt over leaving. My 12 yr old son wrote is his year book that his dream is to have a loving family. That really hurt and I haven't been able to stop thinking about that comment since. I have told him that daddy and I still love him even tho we are no longer apart. He just shrugged his shoulders.
