Hi. I'm new here. Just started reading DR. My story, I'm 42 he's 45. He had an EA that j came across in an email. Floored me and devastated me. We started MC and tried working things thru. He moved out in October 2016. We have three kids S15, D13, S11. They live with me in the marital home. Long story short. We own a business together. So we have worked together for 17 years. We've been together for 21 years. Common in law. Stress was huge between us. He has an anxiety issue he refuses to deal with. So his moods are all over the place. Right now he sees me as the bad guy. He said he's done with the relationship and won't come back home. Then in the next breath he says I have not shown any change and why would he come back to the same old stuff. He's tired of the arguiing. I find I have been arguing because I can't let go. I don't want it to end. So I found myself pushing him for an answer to R. But obviously when I push that doesn't help and just pushes him away. We still work together and neither has filed for D. There is talk but nothing has been filed. He said he can't waste time trying to fix our relationship because he has to start his life over. And can't waste time on us. That breaks my heart. I love him and want to work on things. But I feel I may have done more damage by pursuing and arguiing and trying to get him to see my point. I can't have NC because of work and the kids. After spending the weekend reading DR I know that I can't reason with him. I need to stay positive. And I need to keep my temper in check. It's hard when I still feel resentful. I need advice please
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you. Not that I want to be here although I've come a long way since he first left. I'm finally sleeping at night. I'm exploring options for a new hobby. Trying everything once until I find something I like putting my energies into making my backyard gorgeous again. Purging stuff from the house. I do want to say tho is that he never moved his stuff from the house. He summer clothes are still here. His other car is still in the garage and his passport is still here. He still gets all his mail delivered here.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
You've got some good challenges ahead of you since you work together. One of the toughest parts will be not talking about your relationship or where H stands.
Right now, it's about you being there for yourself and your kids. Your H is on his path and you are on yours. Sounds like you're looking for new hobbies and want to work on your yard. These are great outlets.
One thing that we all learn here is it is most definitely a marathon and not a sprint. Things take time and lots of it. If you try to rush, it will set you back.
All the best.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Thanks. Yes I find it extremely hard to not ask how his weekends are or be angry at him that he left. That's why the DR book is coming in handy. I can apply it this coming week when I go to work. Baby steps.
Don't be too hard on yourself regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
How many people are actually successful at reconciling??
That's a hard question to answer Henwen because so much of what happens depends on choices your S makes regardless of what you do. The goal of DB is to focus on YOU and to get you to a place where you are ok and even better than you were before all of this started regardless of what your S does. By doing the things recommend in the books and on this forum, you will ensure that you are taking care of yourself and stacking the cards in your favor to save the M but at the end of the day, you cannot control your S. They are free to choose whatever path they want. The sooner you come to realize that and let them go, the sooner you can get to a place where saving the M becomes a possibility.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
How many people are actually successful at reconciling??
The goal of DB is to focus on YOU and to get you to a place where you are ok and even better than you were before all of this started regardless of what your S does.
I can tell you that everyone I know who has worked on themselves have succeeded!
