By the grace of God

[mleigh4]

Hello and happy weekend,

Here in Cali the weather is beautiful and spring is in the air! I am having a nice weekend. I went to a friend's bday party last night. A neighbor was supposed to come, who I have been told I should meet, but he had another birthday party he was at himself. I guess it wasn't time for that. Today I am draining the hot tub and getting my planters ready. This week S and I are both off work and school for spring break. It's a staycation, at son's request, but I have a list of things to do.

Well, I guess we all agree H is very stuck and would rather stay this way then do something about it. Too bad, I'm not and ready for change. I spent some time this week writing things down to get it out of my head and got it down to a simple to the point letter. I used a mix of my own thoughts and the wonderful advice I got here. I decided to read it to H when he picked up S yesterday. It was actually funny, it made it light for me to stand in front of H and read my letter.

He was kind, sat down and listened.

Me: when I ask to get together to talk, it's not to rehash how we felt or how we got here. I was there, we went through all of that together. Our relationship was not in a good place, we were not happy, so of course that strain resulted in not so good vacations, weekend trips and boating trips. 16 years ago, these same trips would have been a totally different experience. (Here I stopped reading and asked H, do you agree with that? That we were unhappy with each other and that caused things to be not so fun?)

H: yes, but the trips weren't all THAT bad. We had some fun in there too.

Me: (I continued reading) It wasn't us, it was the relationship. For me, that time is over, that bad relationship and those bad times are dead and buried, and I would never want either of us to feel the way we did again. I don't like talking about it, it's difficult for me, because it takes me back to a very unhappy time in my life that I have left behind. You seem to be stuck there, is there anything I can do to help with that?

H: he said ya, I don't know, shrugged.

Me: If there is anything I can do to help, let me know.

H: ok

Me: (I continued reading) So when I ask to talk, it's about where we are now and what we should do going forward. We need to decide what we are going to do about our marriage. Can we plan to meet again soon to talk about these things?

H: yes. But you bring up the past too.

Me: It seems to come up a lot. I guess we both have to agree and try not to do it.

H agreed. I told him, no matter what happens, I do want us to be friends and get along, for S. H agreed. We got up to walk out of the room. He was quiet, then stopped and asked, what if we run into the same problem of not liking to do the same things?

I answered, I don't think it's really about liking the same things as much as the problems being caused by a bad relationship. We did a lot of things together and had fun when we were in love. I told him, if I went boating with my friends right now, I would have a blast. Our unhappy boating trips were caused by us being unhappy with each other. I asked him, would you even want to do something with me alone and would you think it would be fun right now? He shrugged. I said, probably not because our relationship isn't in a good place. I told him, would you want to go wine tasting with me right now, something I love to do? Because you used to enjoy doing that when we were close, but I wouldn't expect you to want to now.

He said, well, I don't really like wine anymore. We laughed.

I said, ya, I guess I am just saying the level of fun and enjoying your time with someone depends a lot on the level of how good the relationship is. What we need to decide is if we have it in us to put the effort into making the relationship good, or if we want to move on.

I really think I saw a little light bulb go off, but we will see. He seemed to understand what I was saying, we will see how our next talk goes.

HW, my apron is off but I haven't left the kitchen yet. If H was to decide to "try", I would "try" too. No way would I end this without trying. I just don't have it in me to let this drag out for months longer without addressing things. That's all I have wanted, and I will continue to push it. So far, it seems H is ok with that too.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and week

[job]

I think you handled this conversation very well. You talked about what was on your mind, stopped and asked him questions and it gave him an opportunity to think and respond. You both listened and the one thing that both of you will need to try to do is leave the past in the past. Focus on the present, as it is a gift of time and let the future roll out when it's ready,

Enjoy your week off.

[bttrfly]

Perfect M ... full of love, grace, humor and compassion. just perfect xoxoxoxoxo {{{{{hugs}}}}}

[mleigh4]

Wow it's been over a month since my last post. Sometimes I can't believe how fast time goes by.

I continue to move along on my journey and H remains stuck. Let's see, last post he was leaving on his business trip over his birthday. I had S call him with a Happy Birthday message. He returned from his trip with a cold and didn't seem to enjoy it as much as last year. S got him a gift but this year, nothing from me but a birthday hug once he was feeling better.

Other than that we remain no contact. Just pick up and drop off with S.

Oh, I did try to schedule another talk session, but he flaked.

I recognize certain patterns in myself. I go through spins of feeling we must do something about this, than other cycles of not thinking much about it. I continue to feel angry at H for all he has done, I am sure forgiveness will come in time, but I am still not there. I do remind myself that I give him power of my thoughts and do my best to just feel, then release. Sometimes I even allow a quick cry then feel better. I tend to push back my sadness of rejection from H and put up a tough front, most likely since I have done that my whole life having my dad absent from my life. So, I am working hard to let myself feel what I feel, a new honesty inside myself, it seems to help.

H also continues to play Mr. Nice. I used to think this meant he still cares, I now tend to think it's more out of guilt and looking good to others. A couple of weeks ago he came to pick up S for his weekend. I had plans and needed to go, he was relaxing on the couch, so I left asking them to lock up when they leave. H texted a bit later to let me know he did some repairs around the house. For me or to look good to my friends? Or because he saw the card on the counter for a handyman? Either way I was grateful and it saved me money. We got a few hundred dollars back from our tax refund, and I asked H if I could put it towards house upkeep, and he said sure.

Last weekend was Mothers Day. Which also fell on our 13th wedding anniversary. Of course many emotions surfaced for me. It was H weekend with S, but without my asking, brought S home a bit earlier on Sunday. That morning while I was alone, I pulled out the wedding album. I can't help but ask myself, was this real? Did he not ever love me? But as I looked through the album I was reminded that yes, he loved me and we had some good years and fun times. I truly loved this man with all my heart and believe he felt the same. So I accept people change, I definitely got the best of him and am so grateful for that and the son he gave me. I decided to leave it at that, put the album away and put the thoughts away of a fourth anniversary ignored, avoided and unmentioned.

I made S and H favorite, choc chip brownies. When they showed up, H empty handed of course, no surprise, I gave S brownies and thanked him for making me the proudest mommy in the world. I gave H a container of brownies and thanked him for giving me my son. H was surprised and gave me at least 3 bear hugs. S gave me a beautiful vase he made at school, and a very sweet card he made me with MIL help. She must have known her putz S would do nothing. I thanked her for that.

I talked about dating a few posts ago and have taken the step to open myself up to it! I have not met anyone I am interested in yet, but no rush, just exploring this new phase for me.

I again hear rumors that H is involved with drugs. I watch him, look for signs, check his pupils, but I don't see any sign of this at pick up or drop off. If he is, it must be on his own time. I may bring it up at some point, I kind of feel like I should, but I do think his work overwhelms him and plays a huge part of him becoming an a$$. I have mentioned that maybe this position at work may not be the best fit for him, but get typical PA response that he can handle it. He actually replied with a clip from Godfather 2 where the guy is yelling that he doesn't care what people think, he can handle it and deserves respect. Then he says, you know that is a joke, right? I said sure, or is it? It's his typical PA behavior. He takes my comment as a put down when in reality, I am just worried about him. Thing is, I will remain the one person in his life who calls him out and stays real with him. I think he needs it, and it's who I am.

So all in all, this is where I am at:

H and I are in VERY different places. Emotionally, mentally and mature wise. I truly believe it is best we are apart right now. For me and my son. I don't know what will happen, but I believe one day one of us will wake up and know what to do. In the meantime, I will live life and enjoy it. I continue to wonder why he hasn't divorced me yet, but today I still feel this is his mess to clean up.

Coming up is summer vacation! I booked a beachfront condo for S, dog and I. No invitation to H this time. I can't wait for my ocean therapy!

Hope all is well, I plan on checking in with some of you this weekend. Enjoy your weekend

[bttrfly]

mwah :* Missed you M xoxoxo glad for the post and to "see" your sunshiney self. You have worked hard and achieved that elusive gift: detachment. Very proud of you! Don't be a stranger!

[mleigh4]

Thanks for stopping by Bttrfly! I think you are right, I think I finally achieved true detachment! Only took me 4 years

I have to share the latest H weirdness. H TM the other day asking if he could stop by and grab his dad's lock box key from the safe. So he comes in, says his hello to me, S and dog. S and I were just finishing dinner, I invited him to grab a plate, he said sure! He said first he needed to go to the restroom. He was gone for like 20 minutes, in fact I forgot about him! He then comes back in the room and I realize he was in the office all that time. He then says he really wants to get home, can he take some food to go? I say sure and pack some up. He then asks if he can have a plastic fork? I gave him one, and off he went! Lol who does that? Um, a teenager at his mom's house? H has seriously reverted back into a 20 year old mentality, it's pretty trippy to watch. HaWho, I think of you often and how you witness this daily!

I went in the office and checked around, some of my papers were moved around. Snoop much??

So on to update about me! Well I have met a new friend. We chat daily and he has wished me a good day every morning. Boy has it been a long time since I have gotten those kinds of messages! He is divorced, but says his ex is his best friend, which he says is actually WHY they divorced. He asked about me, and I was completely honest about being separated for 4 years, it wasn't my choice, I tried everything to save my family, but it takes 2. I told him H and I also remain friends, especially for S. Well, I expected him to run for the hills, I REALLY did! But he was totally understanding and we continue to chat and get to know each other. Nice and slow, it's nice to have a new friend in my life. The weird thing for me is I don't feel guilty or ashamed. I stayed true to my marriage, tried everything and am so glad I did. Now it's time to move on. Even if this doesn't become anything more than friends, it feels SO good to know that I am still alive inside, H didn't break me, or make me bitter. Hope and love are still in me and I do have the desire to share that with someone special.

My marriage is still a legal document, but we have been emotionally divorced for years. He left, I have the house, medical benefits and more than 50% custody of S. I don't intend to rock that boat anytime soon, at least until S is a few years older and can speak up for himself. It sounds kind of selfish but it's what S and I need and works for us. S comes first, before anything and anyone. I will be free from this situation soon, I know it's only temporary.

I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend!

[Pax_luv]

Good to see an update from you, Mleigh! Sounds like you are enjoying life and the new friendship. kudos to you!

[123Gwen]

Mleigh - sounds like you are enjoying some well deserved peace. I am so happy to hear about this new friend and being open to possibilities. Hope you have a wonderful summer with your S. Blessings and good vibes Mleigh.

[mleigh4]

Hi there friends! Another month has flown by. I still continue to surprise myself with the changes and growth inside of me.

I went on my first date. It was one of the most stressful and nerve wracking thing I have done in a long time. I was also excited, but very nervous. We had a wonderful dinner, stayed and talked for 3 hours, then walked through town for a pre 4th of July festival. It was fun, but Unfortunately, I had absolutely not one iota of attraction to him. I had seen pictures, and knew he wasn't my normal type, but we had been texting for a while and had so much in common....needless to say, I was a bit disappointed. When I went home that night, I was so happy to be back in my safe little bubble. Not sure when I will come out from my bubble again! However the experience reminded me how content I am with my world I built, how much easier it is to keep my focus on me and S, because the whole thing was distracting, and maybe I still am not quite ready for all that? I don't know if it would have been different if I was attracted to him.....

On the H front...he continues to show up at the house with no warning. One Sunday he was a block away before telling me, I wasn't home, and had to rush home. In the last few weeks, he has even been showing up early in the morning to drop S off with me instead of taking him to summer camp, sometimes with an empty lunch box that I have had to scramble to pack.

Last night was his night with dog and S. I went to a friend's for a bbq. H dropped off S at his friends for a birthday party, then decided to text me to tell me he was dropping off the dog at my house because he had some running around to do. I replied ok but that I am not home. Now here is where I should have clarified with the man child on whether he was going to pick the dog back up or leave her. He always has her on nights with S, so I didn't think it would be any different. I got home around 11:00 at night. I stepped in the back to see if kitty was home, and there was dog. I was shocked. She had been there for 8 hours. It was 104 that day, luckily he was smart enough to leave her water, but she had no food. So once again, H just assumed I would be around to cover his irresponsibility. That was the last straw.

I am very flexible with H and his schedule needs, but I realized this is getting out of hand. This man truly thinks I have no life, do nothing but sit around waiting to take care of S and dog, and be his back up. Time to set that record straight! One of my biggest accomplishments is to be able to deal with him calmly now. When he dropped off S today, I asked him why he didn't let me know that he was dropping off dog to LEAVE her there, and that she was in the backyard. I told him I got home late and had no idea she was out there, and that I wouldn't have known if I didn't go back there looking for kitty. He laughed it off, said she would have been fine if left out there all night. I told him, that's not the point. I asked, don't you think you should have let me know? He replied he didn't know because he was busy running around and didn't pick up S until 10 and figured it was too late to get her.

I told him, she was your responsibility last night, what is it with you deciding to dump those on me lately, without even running it by me? I brought up S and coming by unannounced. After some discussion, he admitted that his work talked to him and decided 9 is too late to be coming in, so that is why he has been dropping him off early. I reminded him that I have a job too, and taking S to summer camp last minute makes ME late, and the world does not revolve around him. I told him in the future if he decides to make changes in the schedule, with S or dog, that he needs to run it by me first.

He then came back with if I can't help then he can ask his mom to help. My look must have said it all because he immediately got defensive and said many people have their parents help them with this kind of stuff, that he isn't the only one. I bit my lip about that and the fact that his problems are always put on others. Instead I just told him, H, you should have come to me when your work said this, that I need to know this stuff. I told him I will talk to my work and get approval to adjust my schedule, I just take it away from my lunch break, and that it should be fine because they love S and always have him come first. But I added that it's pretty crappy that his boss says this after 2 years of it being ok....but it makes me wonder if other things are going on at work for them to be cracking down on him.

Anyway, I am super proud of how I am able to keep my emotions in check during these talks. I have learned how H shuts down to anger. I am learning how to talk with him in ways that help him to listen instead.

Aside from all that, I am doing really well! Summer has been fun. We have our beach trip in 3 weeks ( with no H). I have a concert in 2 weeks. I have home projects and maintenance keeping me busy. Oh, that reminds me. MIL notices these projects and constantly tells me to ask H to help me. I finally told her, H really doesn't have much to do with the house anymore, so I am learning to do these things on my own. They really are clueless to the reality of our situation, I wonder what picture H paints for them?

I hope you all are enjoying your weekend and summer. Stay strong, move forward, and let peace and calm into your heart and the madness of MLC out.

M

[mleigh4]

I forgot to share some of the personal feelings I felt after my date.

To recap, 4 years post BD, first date.

I was sitting in the restaurant having conversation, and a few times, wished I was there with H. OLD H. The man I loved so much, where was he? A few times during that night, it hit me, I am out with a total stranger. Where was my H? How did we get here? I will admit, it brought up many emotions.

In the first couple of days after, I almost reached out to H, I almost invited him to join us to the beach house vacation....but I knew from experience....don't react on emotions. And I am so glad I didn't react because it didn't take long for reality to clear the fog.

The reality is that my H is a different person and no longer the person I fell in love with. Ugh that reality can still hurt.

Hugs to you all
M