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Why does it matter that he has head start? He has a head start because he is not trying to learn, heal, and go into his next relationship as a better person. I look at mine and think wow, he's been gone since Oct and is already well into his second "serious" relationship. Then I go, whoa, he's the same POS he has always done and will never have a meaningful relationship until he does the work he needs to do. And I know the likelihood of that.

Who cares what that you know what is doing. He is stuck, stuck, stuck. He is angry and ashamed and too stubborn to right his wrongs. You are going to heal, fly and soar. You are ahead in every way that matters--except it doesn't.

Time to start living 25!

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KML

I know what you mean about the kids waiting for the other shoe to drop after a recon. Other than increased income, my perception was also that there was more security & stability for them by reconciling. We stayed in their childhood home, another 7 years and that has to count for something. But there was stress in the house and now h remembers things so differently.


Today, d19 got a letter from h informing her in a very convoluted way, that he will Not be paying for her college anymore. She's finishing her sophomore year and we paid 3/4 of the other kids college,

(Our deal was that the kids would be more invested in their college and selection, if they had to pay some of their own. We put ourselves through so much schooling, it seemed fair and reasonable.)

But now h has changed the deal, unilaterally. His letter was very self serving, and as if he's sending her one rambling "here is how you can be on your own, it'll be good for you...health insurance info----here --- and hope you have enough money for tuition and blah blah blah"

WTF?

He seems to be blaming me for his not paying but he's kind of all over the place. The letter is dated a month ago, claims he "retired as of 1 April" (I note the clarity of date in his letter) and there are many lines crossed out. Unusual for him and H has very good penmanship, but the letter was sloppy and filled with facts NO 19 y/o would need or grasp. Self serving about how HE is still covering her for insurance for now...(I think??)
. How many kids that age know the difference between an HMO/PPO?

Oh and he's required by law to keep her covered, so I can't decipher the meaning...

He discusses a Veteran's program/funds that she received & qualified for, thru him, but OOPS, it might be wrong. So she might have to pay it back to the federal government!.. (What???)

He blames his refusal to pay more, on my getting spousal support which, as I've said, he totally opposes in court. And I have not gotten.
cry

Hey, maybe the good hopeful news is that h expects to pay me spousal support??? laugh

except no, I don't think he's doing that. I think he's hiding money, income and washing his hands of me and our children...either we have been permanently replaced, or he

is operating under the assumption that "hey, they'll get over all this, in time" or "when I make money and they see me SO HAPPY and THEN it'll all be worth it" b/c I know a lot of WAS's who believe kids are resilient AND THEREFORE the departing parent will of course be forgiven.

FTR, h's dad mistreated his mom in their divorce. H always resented it but never said a word to his father.

And Truth be told, FIL is very very difficult for everyone in our family, including h. And our kids...

But now, FIL owns a mansion in Cabo San Lucas and has a stunning mountain side ranch in Washington State.

IF not for those beautiful^^ places, I seriously doubt we'd visit FIL much. Before he had those places, we rarely stayed more than a few days every few years.


My kids see great injustice and of course there IS great injustice. Heck yes, I see it too.

But as Own says, what's the difference? Well, I hear you. This post wasn't really prompted by my own brain, yet.

It's what the female lawyer said at the DivorceCare group, that struck me.

She mentioned the 2 adulterers at her firm, who are leaving their families for each other. She envious of the cheaters. She said "the [cheaters] have such a great love and will have such a soft landing, while their families will be heartbroken....."

and here in DBland, we deny that^^. I know I don't want to believe her.

Here, We say the WAS's will be haunted by the pain they have caused and tbh, I've heard of a few of them - the WAS's in real life say things like "if I'd known how much pain this A and Div would cause, I would not have done it". I have known an OW call the ex wife to ask where the WAH was, b/c she (the OW-now wife#2) couldn't find him...so the h was still cheating.

So yes, I know SOME WAS's regret their decisions. And of those who do, some will tell the LBSer and of those who tell the LBSer, some will make an effort to repair the damage they've done.

Guess we need some belief to hold onto, to believe that all will be fair and just in the end. But I know a lot of 2nd marriages (or 3rd) who don't SEEM to have much regret about leaving. They have justified it for so long they now believe it.

OR OR do we let go of that need for fairness in our eyes, and instead just address what WE are going to do and who we are going to be, from this day forward? You know, the whole "Best revenge is a life well lived"< thing?

And even if our WAS were on Mars, and could never hear of how great we were doing, we would know that we had improved the trajectory of our lives. I think that has to be enough and besides, our kids don't want us to be victims or become bitter. They are watching us and want us to be happy. No matter what...

Unfair things happen and I'm not the first woman in this position AND in the grand scheme of themes, I'm better off than 90% of women. I DO KNOW THIS.

My question was more rhetorical. Do the WAS's ever really regret their departures?

Are they haunted by inflicting pain on the people who loved them most?

My h is a fool to have left for Alaska, instead of staying in a m to a woman who was loyal and loving, with 3 children who are smart, kind and hilarious and talented. We have SO MUCH history.

I know that as I enter the dating world, I will look to see how much contact the men I'd date, have with their children.

If it's limited or non existent, that's a red flag.

((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Do I "do" anything about h cutting our d19 off from college tuition?

I cannot pay for it. If I prevail in court in late July, and or get a well paying job, I'd be able to help. And I would.

But H turned down a well paying MD job to "retire" after the court ordered him to pay me spousal support.

H took out a school loan for our son while H did a fellowship (which did not pay much). Otherwise H earned high 6 figures...

Yet he won't do the same for d19. SIGH...I have to stop putting a rational spin (me trying to understand) on irrational behavior.

OR maybe I have to stop trying to frame this as a misguided but loving decision, when it may be simply selfish and greedy and unloving.

Ouch.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Posts: 813
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Simple... he wants a new life with a new woman. Of course you and your children will be neglected and put aside. If he wanted the life he had with all of you, he would have stayed. MLCer do not want responsabilities. It pisses them off to be responsable snd accountable for others. They are after the fairytale. Stay in reality 25, stay real.

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I'm sorry to hear your H decided not to fund the tuition. I suspect contacting him to try and resolve it wouldn't be productive. However, securing it in the divorce settlement may be an option perhaps?

From all that you've posted, he seems to have the mindset of - I've been supporting others financially for years and now I'm going to have some 'me' time and avoid paying any more than I absolutely have to. I suspect once your settlement is agreed, he may begin working again...

I'm not familiar with the law over there, but I would certainly run it by your L for an opinion? Hope you have a nice weekend. Xx smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Originally Posted By: Sotto
I'm sorry to hear your H decided not to fund the tuition. I suspect contacting him to try and resolve it wouldn't be productive. However, securing it in the divorce settlement may be an option perhaps?

Definitely not productive to reach out though God knows I am sorely tempted...

It will somehow be addressed in the divorce. MY L's first reaction was that "in effect, 25 would then be paying, which is BS" and I agree.

H knows it's my achilles heel. Sotto, the most striking piece of this TO ME, is that by doing this, h is burning some bridges, isn't he?

Does he either not care about his R's with the kids, or believes they'll all improve eventually, or if they don't, then it's MY fault or theirs and he can just keep hiding...

or stick around his new fan base who can admire him? BTW if he's not working at all, which I don't believe, but IF...then how great a catch is a retired MD who has no R's with his kids?

It would very much strike me as odd if I were an OW or her kids...


From all that you've posted, he seems to have the mindset of - I've been supporting others financially for years and now I'm going to have some 'me' time and avoid paying any more than I absolutely have to.


Oh yes,^^^ his letter is filled with a self serving list of HIS contributions. (never "ours" but always just HIS). He expects that since he is SO HAPPY everyone else should be happy FOR HIM. And his delightful "retirement with OW..."

The health insurance almost made me laugh. He HAS to cover d. (And me, btw. We were a military family so it comes with the deal.) But he listed that as something and it's not relevant to her tuition so...why mention it?

Yes I know. To pat himself on the back and reassure himself that he's a good dad. But my kids say he's "officially abandoning" d19. I sometimes wish they would not be so blunt b/c I feel very sad for d19. A bff of mine said "but if h does not love them, why not say it?"

1) I cannot believe he has no love for d19 and or our other children.

2) even if I were convinced of that (and sadly, it's possible he does not like d19 much, as she is VERY different from him and very honest with him

I would still not believe I should ever tell her that.

Am I wrong?



I suspect once your settlement is agreed, he may begin working again...

um, yeah...he may take a month or two to admit it but IF IF IF he's not working now, (hard hard to believe for all who know him and it would be literally the ONLY time he's not working in the 38 years I've known him)

but if I were a betting woman, I'd bet that he will openly then work and invite the kids to see him at his expense, and feel good about how everyone has gotten past the... "unpleasantness"...


I'm not familiar with the law over there, but I would certainly run it by your L for an opinion? Hope you have a nice weekend. Xx smile




I did email my L. I know my d19 is very stressed with the court stuff and now, this.

I'll have a good weekend. I am going to GET OUT OF MY CONDO and I will enjoy the holiday.

Thank you.

((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Originally Posted By: exquisitetobe
Simple... he wants a new life with a new woman. Of course you and your children will be neglected and put aside. If he wanted the life he had with all of you, he would have stayed. MLCer do not want responsabilities. It pisses them off to be responsable snd accountable for others. They are after the fairytale. Stay in reality 25, stay real.


I hear you. He absolutely sees himself as a victim. Given my hospitalization and what he was doing then, he - either forgets that, (??) or somehow dismisses it (Not serious??)

and I simply will never be able to understand how someone could do that. To anyone, let alone the mother of their children. It can only mean he's not a good man. Ouch.

So I guess my questions are half rhetorical and half reality based.

The rhetorical ones are "HOW THE HE!! DO YOU DO THIS & NOT FEEL LIKE CRAP??"

and the answer is unknowable, or "easy, I don't look/I justified it all", which is too hard to wrap my brain around.

So far...


Another useless Rhetorical question - is wondering IF/WHEN he will see the wreckage he created...and the answer to that is "who knows? Maybe never"

Another answer I think is likely, is "even if h someday sees

wreckage he created - he won't tell you ---that he REGRETS it, but rather that he feels he lost something & it hurts HIM...= self pity, not an awakening".

So the reality based questions are all about HOW I HELP, myself, my kids, especially d19. Looking into L's for d19 up north, and job hunting for me...but mainly I help myself and my kids

by doing as my L says, and GAL.

The happier and more at peace my kids see me as being, is truly what is best for THEM, too.


I really hope for my sake AND THEIRS that I prevail in court in July. I'll ask for prayers then and meanwhile.

Sometimes writing these ^^ things out really does keep it simple.

It's very damn hard. But sometimes it's just not that complicated.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
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exquisite,

how are your EX H's relationships with the kids, now?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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The state of not really wondering what or why is a peaceful one to get to. I went through all of those questions WRT XH. What I always come back to now is - stick to me and my stuff. His stuff is his to own. Will he ever? How will he feel? That's up to him.

I'm with you on - wouldn't OW think that is odd? Well, OWs get involved in some pretty bad situations as we know. Through all that happened, XH has become a guy I wouldn't date. Twice married and the second time he was unfaithful. But of course in many situations that is glossed over. I do think any wound to another is ultimately a wound to ourselves though - and also that things do take a while to work through too..

Again I come back to - the only person I have to share a bed with is me. And I want to feel comfortable and at peace with myself...whether he feels at peace with himself is of course up to him and has nothing to do with me any more. I'm glad to say that...

Take care, and hope you find something nice to do today...always good to get out & blow the cobwobs away.... grin


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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well, ex-h get what he has put in. None of them will sacrifice a plan they made in order to spend time with him.

Daughter21 will let him know she comes home only if she comes for a full week. they go out for supper and she is right back here. If he visits her, she will be cordial but she will not hesitate to tell him if it is not a good time.

Son18 found a good paying job in Ex-H' s town. He is around ex-h the most yet do not talk nor do things together. Ex-H did not even know Son had registered to go to College this fall. There is NO COMMUNICATION. Son lives in his bedroom or hang around his friends or works. On his days off, he is here. In other words, Son has a free room and board while working.

Daughter17 goes to ex-h when she feels sorry for him. Maybe once a month if even. She is the most sensitive of all 4. She is also the one Ex-H talks to the most about his feelings. It worries me sometimes because even thou he tells her how sorry he is for the choices he made, he does not do anything to change the outcome. Words/ actions. She is the one reporting and asking the most questions. She want to study psychology and social work. Her dream is to help children who struggle. Their relationship is on a part-time basis. On and off.

Daughter14. this father-daughter relationship surprised me... Remember the feeling of not being good enough, at time of bomb? Well, she was 6 years old then and for ex-h, she was perfect. She accepted him leaving without much thought. SHE WAS 6 !!!! well, this changed. He made accusation toward her witch she did NOT accept and now, she makes excuses why she cannot go to his place.

Visitations were never respected and no longer exist. The kids run the show. They make their own decision and he takes whoever is willing to go. Again, maybe once a month if he is lucky.

25, None of his outcome matters to me. My outcome does. Ex-H is getting the fruit of his labour and I have mine. Ex-H is not a great catch. Many OW gave him a shot. Will one finally stay? If she feels like she must settle for him. With that said, what does it say about her? Ex-H has cash but you become his possession not his life partner. You become the responsible one and he will make sure you will not have a life other than a life that benefits him. (narcissist)

I do feel sorry for my Ex. I wish him well. Maybe he is happier?? At what cost? Not one I am willing to pay.

My self-esteem, self worth, my values, my pride, my peace of mind are worth so much more then having a dysfunctional family with ex-h. As hard as it was to get through this, deep in my heart, I know it was the right thing to do. Maybe he feels the same way since he has never shown us otherwise.

We are becoming deep-thinker. lol For the Big D, stick to facts, not emotions.

My prayers are with you 25! xox

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