25yearsmlc 10 Yrs Later I File D part 3

[25yearsmlc]

Oh, and fwiw, your H didn't "just happen" to meet "the love of his life" within weeks of your split. I'd bet money he had already started something with her before or had a history with her from before.

Oh I know^^^. In fact it'd be weirder & crazier (arguably worse?) if he had just met her and posted that crap. He never posted about us on FB (rarely posted anything other than a few "adventure" pictures of himself on a mountain, hunting, a maybe few graduation photos). The kids noticed that he had very few pics of us as a family. Now I guess he's all about it.

It all bothers me of course. But I know that it's mostly my ego/heart. I mean, in my head I know that it can't be true and that our 35 year marriage was not a sham and our family was not the "practice family", but I am stunned by how cruel it is of him. He's burning a lot of bridges - my family is huge and he loved them. He has one brother who lives near me and we remain close. I don't know about my FIL anymore...and that feels like a loss b/c I have to assume h badmouthed me big time with his own weird narrative.

MIL (the wife FIL has had for 25 years) is sympathetic so I don't really know about my FIL but he's been in my life longer than my own dad was.

I feel sad and angry about losing him/them, if I have. H took OW to meet them in Mexico. Evidently posted pics of them kissing there...nice.

Zero of those pictures were ever shown of us. Jesus, I should have wondered more...



Also, that "love of his life" phrase - don't put too much stock in that.

it's not that I believe it, cognitively. But how can he post about it so publicly? We are still married, and it's like I never existed.

Sociopath Ex Boyfriend posted a bunch of pictures of us on Facebook and called me "the love of his life" - except, of course, when those pictures were taken he had the side-chick plus was grifting other women plus was lying about a whole bunch of other stuff. So appearances on Facebook can be VERY deceiving!!

I think as long as the divorce proceeding (MONEY !!!) is at play, which h attaches so much importance to,

I'll never know anything real.

lately I have imagined something happening which may sound like a "hope" but I don't think it is...I think it's just a realistic guess that keeps h's doubts at bay. He once told me if things didn't work out he'd "just win me back" years later...

I believe that h will call me in the next few years. I don't know what the trigger will be but he will need or want something, maybe just reassurances or reminiscing. (Not sure how my own remarriage would affect that but assuming I'm still single...)

But whenever that day comes and he calls or reaches out or sees me at a family event -- he will not apologize or acknowledge wrong doing. He will play nice, as if he's being a gentleman who is taking the high road.

He has ended our m in such an ugly dishonest way. And SO PUBLICLY...


And that really strikes me as worse than cowardly. It strikes me as a "nutty bad"
(the word "evil" is too heavy and my kids are his). My sister said it was the meanest thing she's ever seen on FB, short of naming me as a loser.

But him looking so bad, so "nutty bad" makes me feel worse. Like he's so so flawed and I was so so blind. And I my family hates him now, fwiw.

I think my h is winning the $hittiest exH award.

[25yearsmlc]

not that there's a contest for $hittiest exh

but in MY family, (so far??) he wins...

there are plenty of others worse off around here. I'm luckier than most, I know.

And if this were the only way to have these 3 wonderful children in my life, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I'll remind myself of this^^ in the days to come.

It's just that at this particular moment, I cannot imagine being pleasant or even acknowledging h at a function.

I spent time at the bank this afternoon, and h had cut me off our joint accounts there (accounts we had for our whole 35 year marriage) back in October when he had me sign something odd, a few days out of the hospital. H is an MD and knew I was impaired

(do YOU guys who never met me, think I, 25, would sign away rights if my brain was turned on??)

How on earth does he live with himself?

Lots of triggers.

[25yearsmlc]

I went to a DivorceCare support group at a church near my condo, last night.

2 things struck me (and yes I DO recommend these groups, Like DBers in person.)

Coincidentally Half men, half women and that wasn't what I expected. Lots of universal themes about the divorce process being so grueling, so much limbo/hell, the damage to the children, the alienation parents felt (not all men, either).

Several of the men talked about how much they miss their children. One in particular hit me hard.

He wasn't talking like a Disneyland dad, who only wants the fun things for the kids. And he wasn't whining about how high the CS is, or to make custody about lowering the CS.

No, he was talking about how much he misses just hanging out with his daughters. Driving them to the pool and watching them swim, then they get to hang out more and they chat and talk about their days... They are now the same age my daughters were when h first went on his Alaskan adventure.

I was so moved and touched. He just wanted TIME with his d's.

I felt tears in my eyes b/c honest to God I would give anything to have a h who wanted TIME with his d's when they were young, or even now...

(not on His schedule or to take them hunting or fishing in Alaska, b/c that's what HE LOVES to do and they are, you know...open to it...)

but he was not there when they needed him the most and it's time he cannot make up). And they remember...

The other day d19 asked h for food money for the summer - as she's working there in Boston. If she were at home, we'd pay and if she were taking classes, we'd pay.

H said something like HE is "tired of being used for money."

d19 said "well, what else would I 'use' him for? Deep talks? TIME together??"

I am crestfallen about the past - but yes, I'll refocus and look forward. It just touched me deeply.

SECONDLY, I wanted to share that the group was FUNNY and mostly well spoken and educated. Like they would be your friends in real life and it IS real life.

We went out for chili and beer later and there's a cookout this weekend. I think I'm going to go. I already have friends and family nearby but this would allow me to meet new people AND be able to discuss the divorce in a helpful way, but also transition into fun things.

I enjoyed them and they made me feel really welcome.

So yes Check those ("DivorceCare") groups out there b/c they seem a lot like DB but it's in person and there is a facilitator/ They also have a pro marriage component in case that is your goal. And they have had couples reconcile, but mostly it's for people in the throes of a sep or divorce. Just getting help through it.

So while They support reconciliation they also realize that most of the people there are already in the D process so they try to support you wherever you are.


WOMEN - there's a group called Women Institute of Financial Education (WIFE.org) that supports teaching women about finances after divorce. It comes through something else called 'SecondSaturday" which is for people going thru divorce and has lawyers and CPAs there to give presentation. It's free or nominal fee, and it's 3-4 hours with tax issues and other financial goals --- my "WIFE.org" class is thru them.

I hope this is okay with the admin to mention these resources as I'm not part of them and they all do talk about reconciliation, but they also talk about financial protection.

Divorce cost a LOT more money than I expected and probably more than h expected.
It costs me more than I thought it would, emotionally too.

My h betrayed me in every way a h can betray a wife, and he did it semi publicly.

I deserve so much better. It's not my job to say what h deserves but to keep the focus on myself and to remember and remind myself that I DESERVE BETTER THAN H GAVE

and that's all I need to know. No more movies of OW and h and how rich he will FINALLY be, but without me.

Just that a guy who could inflict this much pain on the 4 people who loved him the most, should not present himself as a victim. (It's "typical" but it's also WEIRD)

He should have been so grateful and loving and available, to those children, who gave him another chance to be present...so many times and so many times he was not there.

But some men are. And that's a good thing.

To those of you out there who want to RAISE your kids, not just show up every 3 weeks for a day getting ice cream, I salute you.

Some courts don't make it easy. And some stbxw's don't either.

Keep trying. Kids need to know you tried.

((( )))

[adinva]

I was interested to see that you liked the DivorceCare group. I had thought they would be mainly bitter people stuck in the early stage of DB that DB helped us get past but that some divorced people NEVER get past, the anger, the blame, etc. You know, since they were doing DivorceCare INSTEAD of DB. Big assumption, I know. I also had thought that men there would be looking to pick up women there. I'm glad you're taking such good care of yourself.

This:

I am crestfallen about the past - but yes, I'll refocus and look forward. It just touched me deeply.

I could relate to completely. I thought my own bad choices, which I was prepared to live with the consequences of (if you can't change your situation, change your attitude!), and stick with for life...were my own problem, but then when I realized I had subjected my children to those choices too, and the dad they had was not the dad they deserved, and there were other husbands out there who were such better role models, yes crestfallen is a great word for it.

I guess, don't beat yourself up over it. You did the very best you knew how, for as long as you could, and your kids are the wonderful people they are because they had the life and the parents and experiences that they did. You have a chance to do better for yourself (with or without a man) and your kids will learn from that too.

Hugs!

[Trees00]

(((( )))) I'm sorry you and your daughter went through that! I can't even imagine. I'm glad she has you for support.

I went to a DivorceCare support group at a church near my condo, last night.

-Good for you!-


Several of the men talked about how much they miss their children. One in particular hit me hard.

He wasn't talking like a Disneyland dad, who only wants the fun things for the kids. And he wasn't whining about how high the CS is, or to make custody about lowering the CS.

No, he was talking about how much he misses just hanging out with his daughters. Driving them to the pool and watching them swim, then they get to hang out more and they chat and talk about their days... They are now the same age my daughters were when h first went on his Alaskan adventure.

I was so moved and touched. He just wanted TIME with his d's.

I felt tears in my eyes b/c honest to God I would give anything to have a h who wanted TIME with his d's when they were young, or even now...

-(((( ))))
This is heartbreaking. I've never understood how someone could not value time spent more so than money or personal preferences. I think that is why maybe you (and I) did not see things as they were before, the pure selfishness.... I know in my case, I never really thought it was possible.

My dad valued time spent with my sister and me more than most anything really (other than his faith). He was a hard worker, and in my teenage years literally worked 7 days a week for 10 years (gone over 12 hours a day). He only had two days off in those ten years: the day I graduated high school and the day my sister graduated high school (two years later). In spite of this, there was never a feeling of disconnection or neglection with him. He spent each morning with us before we went to school. He spent 2-3 hours with us in the afternoons after school, and made it a point for us to all have dinner together (except at times my mom would take hers in front of the tv). Each weekend, we went to dinner on Saturday and Sunday. We did this for years and it was nonnegotiable. We planned our other activities AROUND our family time. There were times my mom would go to dinner with us, but mostly she would stay at home in front of the tv. So I have truly experienced the no excuses in parenting. He was present emotionally and physically and he was an example of what it means to be able to count on someone. He made me feel special.

So, when you know you're valuable (and you are and you know this), I think it makes it even harder to see the things your H is doing and your head not spin each time he picks himself over his family. -

(not on His schedule or to take them hunting or fishing in Alaska, b/c that's what HE LOVES to do and they are, you know...open to it...)

😒😒😒

but he was not there when they needed him the most and it's time he cannot make up). And they remember...
The other day d19 asked h for food money for the summer - as she's working there in Boston. If she were at home, we'd pay and if she were taking classes, we'd pay.

H said something like HE is "tired of being used for money."

d19 said "well, what else would I 'use' him for? Deep talks? TIME together??"

-They know what they deserve.-

I am crestfallen about the past - but yes, I'll refocus and look forward. It just touched me deeply.

SECONDLY, I wanted to share that the group was FUNNY and mostly well spoken and educated. Like they would be your friends in real life and it IS real life.

We went out for chili and beer later and there's a cookout this weekend. I think I'm going to go. I already have friends and family nearby but this would allow me to meet new people AND be able to discuss the divorce in a helpful way, but also transition into fun things.

I enjoyed them and they made me feel really welcome.

-Sounds like you have found something great!-



Divorce cost a LOT more money than I expected and probably more than h expected.
It costs me more than I thought it would, emotionally too.

My h betrayed me in every way a h can betray a wife, and he did it semi publicly.

I deserve so much better. It's not my job to say what h deserves but to keep the focus on myself and to remember and remind myself that I DESERVE BETTER THAN H GAVE

-You know this and you would not be as far along in this as you are if you didn't. What he's done on Facebook is shameful, but that reflects on HIM and not you. Most people seeing that are not thinking "Awww, what a great couple! Glad he found the love of his life!" but "Isn't he married? Isn't that soon to be posting all that...?"
There is a police officer in town that one day exploded his social media with pictures of him and someone else... that was not his wife. I always thought he was a good, decent man and I was appalled (still am) and shocked to realize he was blasting this new relationship and he was not even divorced from his wife. I still do not think of him the same, even though his XW seems to be doing really good now (my best friend is friends with her). I know it caused her a lot of pain, and his actions (to me) spoke nothing of her, but his lack of integrity. I know this doesn't help with how frustrating it is to be treated that way, though. -

[Sotto]

Glad to hear the group went well. I also found a variation of divorce care helpful and a bunch of us keep in touch and do regular social things. I would highly recommend to anyone 😊

[kml]

I thought my own bad choices, which I was prepared to live with the consequences of (if you can't change your situation, change your attitude!), and stick with for life...were my own problem, but then when I realized I had subjected my children to those choices too, and the dad they had was not the dad they deserved, and there were other husbands out there who were such better role models, yes crestfallen is a great word for it.

Yeah, I relate to this. It was MY choice to take my ex back after he cheated on me early in our marriage - but it wasn't just me taking that risk that he would cheat again, I subjected my future children to that risk as well.

[25yearsmlc]

Yes - yes,

we mostly tend to make the idea/fear of Div a total nightmare (and God knows I'm in a $hit$torm at the moment) without any upside,

but we forget that staying together can have huge costs too. Not just to us!


My kids have been lovingly & brutally honest with me about the costs to THEM, of our staying together.

I thought I was staying married in large part FOR THEM...and in large part, that was true. But that does not make me right.

A woman there said something that has nagged at me all day.

The woman said she has 2 friends ("OW" and "OM") from her firm, who are having an A and confessed it to her. She says they both said they are leaving their families for each other. Both have kids.

This woman said she ENVIES this cheating couple b/c "they will have soft landings and THEY have such a deep love" that each is willing to lose their children for the other.

I'm flabbergasted. The cliches about how miserable they will be "someday" and their guilt, their shame haunting them, etc

all sound a little hollow to me at the moment. Let's admit it, some couples who are both cheaters, seem just fine down the road, don't they? I know it's very unfair. But so is my friend with cancer and another friend who lost a child to an unknown weird heart defect.

That's unfair too, yet it happens.


Thoughts?

[25yearsmlc]

Reading my own post and am annoyed.

Way way too much about being in my h's head. Random musings/frustrations (I'll elaborate if need be but these are comments I tell myself when I start to spin.

YES I am in a hurry to rush thru this b/c I was already here 10 years ago. Wasted a year+ of time "Why?WHYWHYWHYWHY?????"

Well. NOT THIS TIME. It'll be October when it's a year since I saw him, and we separated. By then I shall be done with this, I swear, by then.: (Please let me be done by then!)



1) on one hand, "hey, 25, it's OKAY you're a little stuck, it's a process! It was a 35 year marriage with 3 kids! OF course its hard to just "detach".
You don't have to race through this and be ALL done by... Tuesday, July 16th...at 930am. It's okay to backslide and process all of this. It is a LOT to unravel 3+decades of a life and family you built together, and a 5393 plans and dreams you had are not shelved OR experienced alone...

..PLUS you are in a $hitStorm right now with other events and needy kids, and no money for the first time in years & years.....and it hurts and you are reeling from other life events AND your h is really obnoxiously painful to you and the kids. If he knew how painful it is, would he also realize it's going to cost him MORE b/c I'm not at all interested in settling for less...who knows? Who cares??

BACK TO ME...

2) I want to have my own, "new" life in order. H had a head start, for sure. It sure looks like it! I want to be living my own life without him in it. Now...So,

Goal#1
get h out of my head.

3) Balance these^^^ factors...

How?

A) Detach. How?

1) Start with daily (hourly?) affirmations and Mantras to help redirect your thoughts. e.g.

"H was NOT kind to me or the kids for the past X years. So regardless of who he may be to others, or who he acts like he has become later, - He was not good to us and would not have changed for us. I had no choice but to file, and would have been miserable if I had not filed.

That^^ is what I KNOW. That's all I need to know now.

b) He is acting badly and causes me and kids MORE pain by renting my headspace...

Good riddance to lunacy. My future and my kids future, won't have a cray cray man in it anymore. No sudden escalations of tension or awkward moments or holidays clouded by h's snap comments and no disagreeable treatment on vacations.

SO, less h = less cray cray crap.

This is a good thing and this,^^ we KNOW.

Affirmations - "25, embrace the change life has given you. Enjoy your new life with reliable, loyal honest loved ones, less tension and doubt in your primary r, and the opportunity to find that elsewhere..."

Next step to GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD...STOP SIGN and Good riddance...turn it over, for real

GAL...what kind? What costs the least but gives the most fun?

Travel is on your horizon and it will be to a place ON YOUR Bucket list, no one else's.
Will ponder

Also - Must use new anger as a call to action, complete ALL the divorce paperwork and detective work as he is STILL be hiding money. Let the L's handle it and GAL

More GAL

Join a divorceCare group so you have a PLACE with real people, where you can vent, but which does not poison every other event you attend.

(Keep DB ing online, b/c that's helpful and we can vent here but it's not = GAL.)

I'm in a book club, good.

Maintain time in a writer's group (meet up.com has a million different interest groups) Continue to socialize with new people at least once a week, while also seeing my regular peeps once a week.

Pursue professional goals


MORE GAL...(con't)

plan a trip after the Div hearing (in late July).

Open to dating...try online and dip my toe in the water.

Physical - get knee scoped so I can hike and dance again.

Take subway into city to museums, with a friend or just go.

Audition at local theater or one in DC

Signed up for wine pairing class, in June.

Getting some sleep now...will touch this list again, later...

Thanks for letting me ramble.

I actually do feel better

[kml]

I feel you on the kids. I thought our initial reconciliation when the kids were young teens was the best thing for them. And since Ex had never moved out of the house, and we had s good reconciliation for a few years until the youngest was a high school senior, I would have thought it was for the best. It was long after our split when I learned the kids had always been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Staying together really hasn't provided them with as much stability as I had hoped, because apparently they were still living in fear the whole time, even when I thought things were good.