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Originally Posted By: 25yrsmlc

Some men asked me out right when I got here, which was maybe 2 months after separation and a horrific hospital stay.

I was actually offended by this. I found it insulting to my m that someone would assume I could be ready to actually date.

They were men who divorced long ago, and or from short m's, who would assume I'd be ready to date them, then. It kind of made me believe their own m's must have meant very little to them.


I was interested that you felt this way. Why would you assume their m's must have meant very little to them?

Originally Posted By: 25yrsmlc

nd FYI, "S" is a kind, smart attractive guy. And he's really into being a good dad. So he's not some "jerk".

Anyhow, I asked S how long it took him to date after he and his w "split," 10 years ago (i didn't define sep or Div in the question).

He said "3-4 days"...

Okay. I literally laughed b/c I assumed he was joking.
( I mean, "good one!", right? cool)

Then he blurted out "I was so lost and hurt...just seeking solace. They didn't mean anything."

Later he and his w recon for a year, before finally divorcing.

What I took from this^^ disclosure is that "S" is very needy, terrified of being alone, AND that he is presumably very high maintenance, emotionally. Huge turn off for me.


Hmmm, you were judging "S" pretty harshly there weren't you?

At the point that exW and I finally separated I'd been DB'ing for three years, not having my needs met, etc. At the point I decided I was "done" it was after a very long wind-down. It wasn't like everything was great and the next day I decided to leave and date someone else right?

So in the context that a marriage was bad for a long time, dating "3-4 days" after separating might not be unreasonable -- it's much better than dating *before* separating which so many people seem to do right?

Then, as he described his actions as being due to feeling lost and hurt, I'm not sure why you would conclude that he was needy, terrified of being alone, and high maintenance emotionally?

We all know that divorce is hugely traumatic, the way people act when they're recovering (sad, remorseful, angry, potentially depressed) doesn't define "who they are" right?

It would be like concluding that someone who was in the hospital was "sickly and likely an invalid" based on an episode at a point in time.

I guess I saw "S"'s disclosure to you as a person who was being vulnerable, which requires self confidence.

I'm confident you'll find your path!


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
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Hello 25

I just wanted to express how sorry i am that your daughter had to experience such an undeserving, incomprehensible and horrific violation at such a young age. And as a mother, I know that you experienced every depth of it as well.

Sadly there are people in this world that commit horrible acts and other people that suffer from them. I hate having to accept that it is just as simple as that.

I know many of us here are suffering from some pretty incomprehensible acts from the people we loved and trusted as well. We want answers and explanations for our pain and suffering but sometimes there are none.

I was recently validated as having been victimized, but advised not to be a victim. That I need to take back my power. And that is something I have been thinking about a lot. And that advise seems to encompass a broad range of scenarios, from a physical assault to lies and betrayal or sexual/financial infidelity

Regarding dating...

I think it is tempting to think about the potential for another mate, for love, for support, physical and emotional intimacy when our spouses first leave, or perhaps leave again.

I think those thoughts or the action of dating can be a bit self medicating. An escape when our lives are at their most tumultuous.

Right now both you and I are in the trenches. Legally, and emotionally. I kind of feel like its healthier to just get through those trenches first. You will be in a better place to actually get to know someone, instead of seeking them for an escape.

I did date someone a while ago and while it did not go badly,
I realize that he was just so wrong for me in so many ways. My selection process was way off. Scarily off. Beyond scarily off. And I was relieved when we ended things amicably. It was unfair to him as well because I became the person leading a secret life. I was light hearted and friendly with him. But in great pain deep inside due to legal issues and betrayals.

Dating him, did take away a lot of my hurt and anger when I found out my ex was dating someone at the same time though.

It made me realize that OP really is not the demon I once imagined. They are delusions for our ex. That OP does not mean our ex spouses are happy or satisfied with their choices. That there are moments when they probably just want to physically run away from OP as well because of repulsion and the feeling that things are just wrong. Very unsettling. Dating someone gave me insight as to what our exes feel with their new spouses (but i obviously had less guilt as my ex had already left me a year prior)

If you do date, I would go in without any expectations or attachments. But is that really fair to the person you will be dating?

What I do not look back on from this experience is the relationships with new friends I have met through this process. Building a new support system and friendships with people that have shared my experiences was very rewarding and something I will never regret. I have met people from different locations and backgrounds and with different experiences and it has been amazing and a much more fair way of self medication.


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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Wow, I just posted over my 12,000th post here.

I f whistle eel like there should be an award or promotion ceremony.

Just saying...

cool



whistle whistle whistle whistle whistle


Best I can do since Puppy/Starsky is not here anymore! smile


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Originally Posted By: Accuray
Originally Posted By: 25yrsmlc

Some men asked me out right when I got here, which was maybe 2 months after separation and a horrific hospital stay.

I was actually offended by this. I found it insulting to my m that someone would assume I could be ready to actually date.

They were men who divorced long ago, and or from short m's, who would assume I'd be ready to date them, then. It kind of made me believe their own m's must have meant very little to them.


I was interested that you felt this way. Why would you assume their m's must have meant very little to them?


I should have given your more info but felt it would belabor the point.

In S's case, he sends constant texts and if not returned fast, (within a few hours) he asks if something is wrong.

When my d19 was assaulted/arrested, I explained that's what I was doing in Boston. S then asked if he could see me. I found that odd, but didn't make much of it. Sort of shook my head. (Mind you, there was no prior arrangement to meet up).

I repeated that I was attending my d's arraignment ( cry)

and he repeated the question as if I was discussing the weather. Like he could not get off the goal HE had, no matter what I was going thru.

Not attractive to me b/c it struck me as self centered and or too needy. (Plus the other childhood issues of his, and things that go beyond the point I was making.)


As for his dating so fast after his wife left, his sep/div was a shock to him, btw. I should have told you that before. So he could have been an LBSer. I could not understand him not fighting FOR His marriage, given that he said he was hurt and lost by the sep.

But instead he immediately started hooking up with other women -

all in the span of 3-4 days. Accuray, that's ^^still not something I grasp. But yeah, I see the emotionally soothing (needy) part of it and that was sort of helpful for me to take things less personally.

Oh and S is also IN a R, but wants to date me instead of her. So he says he will end his present "no sex, passionless" r, for me - IF I "commit" to dating him. Like he has to grab the new vine before he lets go of the old vine.

That^^ bothers me a lot.




Originally Posted By: 25yrsmlc


Then he blurted out "I was so lost and hurt...just seeking solace. They didn't mean anything."

Later he and his w recon for a year, before finally divorcing.

What I took from this^^ disclosure is that "S" is very needy, terrified of being alone, AND that he is presumably very high maintenance, emotionally. Huge turn off for me.


Hmmm, you were judging "S" pretty harshly there weren't you?


I will really ponder ^^ that.

And See if you feel differently with the info I should have given earlier.

I agree that the disclosure was honest. IN a way it was helpful b/c I can see how self medicating the R's are.

Accuray, most women I shared that comment with, felt the same as I did. They were aghast that a guy who did not expect or want a sep, would immediately hook up.

I read somewhere that men remarry faster than women, regardless of who ended their previous m. Is it possible men have more trouble being alone in general? I'm asking.

S not telling me he was still dating someone, until I specifically asked,

means, he wants things all set up with me, the new person (to grab the new vine before he lets go of the one he holds now) Makes me feel like he can't be alone. And isn't being honest with her or me.

Who does that? (Oh wait, I know who).

yes it pushed some buttons.



At the point that exW and I finally separated I'd been DB'ing for three years, not having my needs met, etc. At the point I decided I was "done" it was after a very long wind-down. It wasn't like everything was great and the next day I decided to leave and date someone else right?

Well that's ^^ fair enough.

Now that h is SO openly dating (on FB and in every convo with our kids) "the Love of His Life", I'd actually feel safer dating. Ironic. I certainly have permission.

I cannot help but fear any of my new R's being compared to his "Love of Life"

("is 25 in love yet?? Why Not? She must be holding onto h OR she can't get a date??"- ??)
But dating for that^ reason is goofy.
To me this divorce was sudden. Until late last summer, I can honestly say I did not see THIS coming.

Now I feel very much like I should have seen it. OR not put up with crap from h.

I hate that feeling.

Man I need to ruminate less.



So in the context that a marriage was bad for a long time, dating "3-4 days" after separating might not be unreasonable -- it's much better than dating *before* separating which so many people seem to do right?

Clearly.
My son told me today that h was "horrible to you and acts insane now, so [I] hope to God you don't miss HIM."

Ouch, yet helpful.




-
We all know that divorce is hugely traumatic, the way people act when they're recovering (sad, remorseful, angry, potentially depressed) doesn't define "who they are" right?


God let's hope not. cool

-
I'm confident you'll find your path!


Thanks, and I'm taking things you said in. Not blowing them off.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

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Yes with that additional information I agree with you! Those are all bad signs, and that's really the benefit you have from life experience is to stay away from that.

Originally Posted By: 25yrsmlc

I read somewhere that men remarry faster than women, regardless of who ended their previous m. Is it possible men have more trouble being alone in general? I'm asking.


That's a great question! I have pondered that myself. I read that the people who life the longest lives are married men and single women, so that statistic suggests that men have health benefits from being in a relationship whereas women benefit from being single later in life, or maybe that's an improper assumption of causality.

I have three male friends who are lifelong bachelors and really aren't looking for a relationship so my small data set suggests that some men are fine alone.

I also read that one of the typical differences between men and women is that men feel soothed just by having their spouse in the same space/house even if they don't interact at all, whereas women need interaction to take value from the relationship, and cohabitating without interaction is a source of anxiety.

My "world view" has been changed by my divorce in several ways. One of them is that I attach less validity to stereotypical gender differences than I used to -- I've just found that we're all just "people" at the root of it and whereas some challenges seem to be more associated with one gender or the other there seem to be an equal number of exceptions.

For instance, my exW had very low sex drive, and some of my married friends have complained that their wives don't want to have sex frequently enough, so I formed this belief that married men want more sex than married women and are typically frustrated. Therefore, I didn't consider my situation to be outside of the norm.

Since being divorced and doing a bit of dating, I've met an equal number of women who had higher sex drives than their former partners and it was an equal source of angst. One woman I went to college with said her H would only have sex with her once a year and she had to beg for that to happen. So much for my prior belief! The reality seems to be that there are plenty of high drive women and low drive men running around, and sexual issues in a marriage are of course much more complex than just a mismatch in drive.

The other observation I've had is that people coming out of long term marriages, particularly LBS's, begin dating with some fairly common challenges.

For one, they were generally resigned to spending the rest of their life with a single person, and when they suddenly get immersed into the dating scene with so many options and so little friction (with all the apps, meetups, and dating sites) they can go a little off the deep end.

When I was last dating in my 20's, it was difficult -- you didn't know who was single, you didn't know who might be interested in you without a "high risk" proposition of some point, and the pool of people you were exposed to was pretty limited. The challenge was "settling" for someone who wasn't ideal because you'd get fatigue from the search.

Now, there's virtually no friction in finding someone to date and identifying who's available, and you can reach out to people with very little risk via e-dating. This creates a much bigger pool to draw from with little rejection risk, so the challenge I read about today is the "unicorn problem" where people get addicted to the hunt, and the velocity, and convince themselves there is always someone better for them around the next corner, so they never settle.

This can look like a veritable buffet of choices to someone recently divorced who may be tempted to overdue dating many people at once or being indiscriminate about who they reach out to.

Secondly I see LBS's leaving long term relationships pretty beaten down and feeling undesireable. Therefore, the first interest they get from someone new can be like crack cocaine and to your point, they can come across as extremely needy and overeager to rush into something because they no longer have to feel alone and undesireable.

Both of those influences -- the overdoing it and the being overeager to move too fast seem to pass within a couple months, but it does tell me I wouldn't want to be the first person to date someone just out of a divorce!

It seems that like DB, in many ways its a process you just have to live through and accept that you will make mistakes along the way.

Finally, feel free to blow me off or disregard me at any time! I'm no expert and I'm not offended if what I have to say isn't helpful.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
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Great post.

Lots to take in and yes I can see many truths in this^^.

More later


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: Accuray
Yes with that additional information I agree with you! Those are all bad signs, and that's really the benefit you have from life experience is to stay away from that.

Originally Posted By: 25yrsmlc

I read somewhere that men remarry faster than women, regardless of who ended their previous m. Is it possible men have more trouble being alone in general? I'm asking.


That's a great question! I have pondered that myself.-

I also read that one of the typical differences between men and women is that men feel soothed just by having their spouse in the same space/house even if they don't interact at all, whereas women need interaction to take value from the relationship, and cohabitating without interaction is a source of anxiety.


yes to my end of it. If theres no touch or talk, I'd have to know we "chose" just to watch something together. Otherwise, puttering around in different roomsms would probably make me wonder what was happening. Interesting


My "world view" has been changed by my divorce in several ways. One of them is that I attach less validity to stereotypical gender differences than I used to -- I've just found that we're all just "people" at the root of it and whereas some challenges seem to be more associated with one gender or the other there seem to be an equal number of exceptions.

I hope so. A bit tired of hearing about Men are from Mars/Women, Venus. Seems dismissive..and yet of course I know there are real differences too


For instance, my exW had very low sex drive, and some of my married friends have complained that their wives don't want to have sex frequently enough, so I formed this belief that married men want more sex than married women and are typically frustrated. Therefore, I didn't consider my situation to be outside of the norm.

Since being divorced and doing a bit of dating, I've met an equal number of women who had higher sex drives than their former partners and it was an equal source of angst. One woman I went to college with said her H would only have sex with her once a year and she had to beg for that to happen. So much for my prior belief!

Someone close to me has a similar problem with her live in bf.

Now that i'm here on DB, I cannot believe she'd put up with it! I mean, there are no kids, no m, and its been 6 years of a "Dealbreaker"! Move on...but she's someone most afraid of being alone. I mean, I guess.

-

The other observation I've had is that people coming out of long term marriages, particularly LBS's, begin dating with some fairly common challenges.

For one, they were generally resigned to spending the rest of their life with a single person, and when they suddenly get immersed into the dating scene with so many options and so little friction (with all the apps, meetups, and dating sites) they can go a little off the deep end.

When I was last dating in my 20's, it was difficult -- you didn't know who was single, you didn't know who might be interested in you without a "high risk" proposition of some point, and the pool of people you were exposed to was pretty limited. The challenge was "settling" for someone who wasn't ideal because you'd get fatigue from the search.

Now, there's virtually no friction in finding someone to date and identifying who's available, and you can reach out to people with very little risk via e-dating. This creates a much bigger pool to draw from with little rejection risk, so the challenge I read about today is the "unicorn problem" where people get addicted to the hunt, and the velocity, and convince themselves there is always someone better for them around the next corner, so they never settle.

This ^^ makes sense to me (not in a great way). But I can see this happening.

And I've known people who like to just 'wink" and "flirt" but say nothing real to anyone, and never meet anyone. (I have not agreed to meet anyone b/c I know I'm not ready for ML and so that stops me...so far) and btw,

it scares me from a petite woman standpoint. How can I rule out serial killers?

Just saying...


This can look like a veritable buffet of choices to someone recently divorced who may be tempted to overdue dating many people at once or being indiscriminate about who they reach out to.

YES - I can see this^^ happening for sure.

I'm sure I need more definite clear parameters but I'm not yet sure of all of them. Besides I have SOME but hey, who will admit that they "like to lie sometimes"? Also, who says they're "Not big on loyalty"??

I think we all like "Fine dining and walks on the beach"...AND honesty and loyalty and humor...

Mainly I probably need to watch out for red flags.

Secondly I see LBS's leaving long term relationships pretty beaten down and feeling undesireable.


absolutely. Because in the end, regardless of who filed, I feel like the LBSer and I know that h chose a PLACE and "adventure" over our marriage and family and it only "helps" a little to know he did the same thing 10 years ago.

It also hurts like crazy to know he did the same thing 10 years ago. Like he learned nothing - which must mean I was not "good enough" in some way - for him to stay with me.

Plus he announced on FB - which he rarely used before the sep - that he is with the "Love of his life" now. Wow...and that was the same month we sep.

Yeah, I know it was an affair (it's actually more insane if he didn't have an affair and announced the "love of his life" within a month). But who does that?

And heck yes it hurt deeply. Mortifying. Huge blow to the ego.



Therefore, the first interest they get from someone new can be like crack cocaine and to your point, they can come across as extremely needy and overeager to rush into something because they no longer have to feel alone and undesireable.

Yes ^^^ , I get that. And I think it's why I'm SO careful about dating and not "jumping in".

I don't want to attract weird guys only but I have not really done the online dating thing yet.

in my case it was "S" and another guy from high school who came on very strong as soon as I was available. Sure, I see elements of flattery in there but it felt weird and wrong in terms of what I want in my life right now.

AND YET the adoration factor from S was also appealing. Otherwise there would have been no engagement.

The second guy "F", I just avoid as he creeps me out. Not sure if I mentioned him but he asked me to "look into annulment" FOR HIM.

What??

1) my 35 year marriage won't end in annulment from MY end, (or h's) as we had 3 children who were conceived and born into a committed marriage and

2) given that I'd never date F, I sure found it weirdly out of line for him to share HIS hope that I can "marry in the Catholic Church" someday. I could barely get off the phone fast enough. Wacky.

WTF?




Both of those influences -- the overdoing it and the being overeager to move too fast seem to pass within a couple months, but it does tell me I wouldn't want to be the first person to date someone just out of a divorce!


OMG yes I totally hear you. Why volunteer for the whole rebound? Like saying you want to maximize your risk. Especially out of a long recent m??

Maybe I need to wear a sandwich board that says "want to practice date, b/c I know you're NOT "'the one'"??

When I step back objectively to see & depersonalize h's behavior, I can say "wow, that's crazy fast and it cannot be about me." I don't always manage to depersonalize it, but sometimes I can.

And I'm working really hard to get him out of my head. This "cold turkey" No contact after mostly daily contact for 35+ years is really weird.

I'm also baffled by HIS anger at me. What?? I mean the spew is insane and intense. Way more angry than I seem to be, which is wackadoodle crazy.

HE wronged me in such an obvious way, that I can't even make sense of his spew.

I don't get it.

Good news is that I know I don't have to "get" it! We often have to accept things including pain, that we don't understand.

I never understood how h could leave me AND our 2 d's for 2 years, a decade ago - and not feel like crap about it. I assume he just dosen't go there.

But he did. And that's just true.

back to ME...I joined a writer's group and will meet them this Monday night.

I also signed up for a "DivorceCare" group that meets nearby, this Tuesday.

And I volunteered for something called Crisis Counselor, Remote

which I THINK means I answer my phone when I'm on call and they provide free training for a week.

I also need to discuss my real job search. I do worry that I won't be able to do MY dream if I have to worry too much about money.

But, one day at a time...



It seems that like DB, in many ways its a process you just have to live through and accept that you will make mistakes along the way.

Finally, feel free to blow me off or disregard me at any time! I'm no expert and I'm not offended if what I have to say isn't helpful.

Acc


it's helpful and you have had a valuable (crappy) experience. I have to be okay with making mistakes. I think rejection of me physically would be a downer.

I've never had that experience before, (not to brag, just that my looks are something I always knew were in my favor. Now I'm aging and that's a huge fear - that we will age and get traded in for someone slimmer or younger, etc)

This is all weird to admit, but yeah, h leaving to choose OW and the tundra, SO FAST, is deeply wounding. And for the life of me, going SO over the top public about it,

feels awfully personal. I also think it embarrassed my kids.

My s30 thought it was "rude and cruel & mentally ill".

(How much money would it take for you to know your kid thought ^^that about you?)

Anyway, hey If we don't grow from THIS ordeal, we are not getting our money's worth.


PS

let me know about any red flags I should look for please! Did you meet your new flame online?

I don't know what else to call her, but I kind of like "new flame"...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Originally Posted By: 25yrsmlc
And I've known people who like to just 'wink" and "flirt" but say nothing real to anyone, and never meet anyone.


Yes I saw that video online about Millenials and the fact that people get addicted to getting "likes" on Facebook, Instagram, etc. so they check it compulsively and get a little endorphin hit when they get acknowledged. I think the online flirting is a similar thing where it's all about the endorphin hit of being acknowledged and that's really all some people need.

Originally Posted By: 25yrsmlc

it scares me from a petite woman standpoint. How can I rule out serial killers?


You can't, but really what's the likelihood of that? Isn't that akin to worrying about being struck by lightening? What you give up in your life in exchange for that perceived bit of safety doesn't seem worth it to me. I have a woman I'm friends with who won't date *anyone* just for that reason, she's afraid that she'll be attacked physically. As a result she lives in a state of loneliness and complains about it.

If you stick to talking to people (via voice) before you meet in person, then meeting in a public place, and having faith in your "radar" to know when something is off you'll be fine. I had a scenario where a woman invited me to come to her house in the woods at 10:00 at night for a first meeting -- um, no thank you. It's easy to avoid stuff that obviously feels wrong.

Originally Posted By: 25yrsmlc

I'm sure I need more definite clear parameters but I'm not yet sure of all of them. Besides I have SOME but hey, who will admit that they "like to lie sometimes"? Also, who says they're "Not big on loyalty"??

I think we all like "Fine dining and walks on the beach"...AND honesty and loyalty and humor...

Mainly I probably need to watch out for red flags.


Well one of the gifts of going through DB is you really know what to watch out for and you're far less likely to make excuses for someone's shortcomings. More importantly, you know more about yourself and what's important to you. I guarantee you that if you meet someone who tells you he would put the wheat on a high shelf so his ex couldn't reach it you'll run screaming no matter how good he seems otherwise. You are MUCH more aware of who you are and what you need than you were when you were in your early 20's, and that's a huge difference.

Your example about the guy who is discussing annulment before you've even agreed to go on a date. (Backs away slowly and limits eye contact) You knew right away that was a non-starter.

Originally Posted By: 25yrsmlc

absolutely. Because in the end, regardless of who filed, I feel like the LBSer and I know that h chose a PLACE and "adventure" over our marriage and family and it only "helps" a little to know he did the same thing 10 years ago.

It also hurts like crazy to know he did the same thing 10 years ago. Like he learned nothing - which must mean I was not "good enough" in some way - for him to stay with me.

Plus he announced on FB - which he rarely used before the sep - that he is with the "Love of his life" now. Wow...and that was the same month we sep.

Yeah, I know it was an affair (it's actually more insane if he didn't have an affair and announced the "love of his life" within a month). But who does that?

And heck yes it hurt deeply. Mortifying. Huge blow to the ego.


Of course it hurts, it's awful. That's part of the journey. Just remember that it says a lot more about him than it does about you. A lot of it may not be about you at all. I went to a talk recently where the speaker was talking about the fact that "there are things that happen" which are just facts, and then there's the "story we tell ourselves about what happened", and we confuse the story with the facts, and that does us such harm!

For instance, when you say he chose a place and adventure "over your marriage", that's a story you're telling yourself. You don't know that he compared one against the other, or put any conscious thought at all into an "either/or" decision. Sometimes people do things without thinking about them at all, or ignore the consequences, or think it's all going to work out positively for them regardless of what they do. To say that he "chose a place and adventure over your marriage" puts his actions into a context that he made a conscious and measured decision to choose A instead of B while in all reality, he just did A without thinking about B, or what A meant for the future of B, do you see what I'm saying? We all have a tendency to insert ourselves into someone else's decision landscape when we may not have been there at all.

There are his actions and his Facebook posts, and then there is the personal meaning that you attach to them, in terms of how it reflects on you. Some of that if fact, and some is a story you're telling yourself that's not adding any value.

All that said, yes it is hurtful and mortifying and terrible and awful, and you should give yourself permission to feel every bit of that. You will need to in order to move beyond it.

Originally Posted By: 25yrsmlc

let me know about any red flags I should look for please! Did you meet your new flame online?

I don't know what else to call her, but I kind of like "new flame"...


I guess the only advice I can give you is to "cut bait early" if you know something is not what you want. It's very easy to agree to a second date when put on the spot at the end of a first date, and even easier to agree to a third date at the end of a second. After three dates, it's far more painful and awkward to break things off than it would have been after one date when it's obviously less personal because you don't know them as well. Practice your polite "no thank you" speech in advance.

Yes I did meet "new flame" online, although after two years it doesn't feel that new! It's great to be in a new relationship but even better to be able to draw upon the learnings of what I could have done better last time around and not make the same mistakes again! All relationships are challenging and require lots of care and feeding. For me, I'm okay being alone, in some cases I prefer it, but it's also wonderful to be with someone who shares your hobbies and interests and is just generally a great companion.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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good stuff

and i was kidding about the serial killer thing (other than the obvious public places for meeting).

Plus, I always pack heat...( cool)

But how do you say "no thanks" to another date if you've been pleasant the whole evening but internally ruling them out...?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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What Accuray posted above about the event and the meaning we apply to it (often causing pain to ourselves) reminded me of Guy Winch's emotional first aid TED talk - well worth a listen.

I agree about the 'due caution' advice. Take your time. Have a little exchange via email. Have a chat by phone. Meet for coffee in a public place. Let someone know where you are etc Don't accept a lift and so on. I think if you do all of these things, you will stay safe. And I think we are about as likely to meet a serial killer as win the lottery, so I wouldn't even worry about that!!

My advice would be - if you're going to dip a toe in - do just that and keep it light. There's no need to look for a relationship as such, at such an early stage - but some company and fun may be nice...

As for the 'let down' speech - before I met XH I tried OLD and went out with a guy. We met once and had a pleasant evening (though no spark for me) and then he told me he was looking for a life partner and I wasn't it.... ookay I never forgot that one!

As for rejecting someone. I was asked out recently (by text) by a guy who seems perfectly decent, but I just didn't have a romantic interest. I had to google - how to kindly refuse a date!! I did feel uncomfortable, and I tried to respond as kindly and politely as I could. And the googling sure helped with some kind phrases...

Another thing that happened to me was being asked out by a guy slightly older than me - who said he thought I was in my mid 30s. I told him my actual age and he lost interest completely - go figure! So I think we do have to take a little rough with smooth with OLD.

Actually, I think dancing is a great (no pressure) way to come into contact with guys. I go to a salsa class and they rotate the women around the guys so you get to meet them all - a sort of 'speed' dating environment where you have a little chat, a little dance and move on.

My dance teacher has had about 8 people marry from her classes so far!!

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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