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25--I'm so sorry you are having this moment, but it is inevitable as you work through the stages of grief.

I felt very much the same way and felt so ashamed. My IC kept telling me my H (whom she had met in session) was a narcissist, would never get better, and that I need to cut my losses, get out, and save my children. I was dumbfounded about how I could have missed that for so long. I felt ashamed and humiliated.

Apparently when we love someone we project onto them the qualities we would want them to possess. Children, even adult children, don't do this. They see people for who they are.

After this happened everyone around me came out to tell me how awful he was. Apparently my SIL told my B two years before that something was going on with my H based on his FB posts. No one told me. No one said anything to me.

You saw the man you loved. You did that because your core values tell you to love, be loyal, and to trust. That is nothing to be ashamed of. You saw the good in him because that is the kind of person you are.

Your son just doesn't want you to hurt. He doesn't understand that you have to work through this. He doesn't understand how this destroys your sense of self, your confidence, your belief in others.

You know this will pass. You will get a job. You will get resolution of the divorce. You will hear something. Your life will get better. You know that. Now, how do protect yourself in the meantime?

How do you mourn the man you loved and the life you expected to have? How do you embrace the new life that is waiting for you? I think you will do it with grace and dignity.

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Originally Posted By: DonH
Online dating? I could not resist throowing in my two cents. I've tried it several times over the years and can only report it went from bad to worse. Perhaps it's me? I swear I've sent at least 50 emails over the time I tried - maybe 75? I rarely even got a response. If I did, I'd find someone claiming they want someone like me - naming interests, politics, age, wants, etc. then I'd get back "I don't think we are a match." I'd be like, huh?

well, from my "vast experience" I won't bother responding to a "flirt/wink", but if someone sends a message, AND assuming it's not a weird message, I'll answer.
But I can tell from the photos sometimes, (dark photo that just makes me feel creeped out, or a really goofy or odd expressions, or a guy sitting on a bale of hay with a straw in his mouth like Jethro, etc) that I won't feel any chemistry and I don't care how much we seem to have in common on paper.


How can I fit 10 of the 12 things on your list and not even be worth chatting with? Then to top it off, the few that did message me were so beyond anyone I'd even consider for two seconds. I'd be like, really??? This is what it's come to?

so some women messaged you and you were turned off b/c...? I mean, DonH, isn't that the exact same behavior?



Some would message for weeks amd then disappear.


I know I'm nervous about it so I can see this^^ happening b/c I'm not as ready as I hope. OR as much as I thought I was

and I noticed a few turns off for me too. A man I don't know at all, obviously, told me - without more, that he "wants more photos." (Oh, too bad. I don't owe you any). I never responded to his later messages. I just felt like he would be a jerk. Sometimes if they are super fit and show their body too much, I know it's not going to be pleasant b/c my h was a health nut and I've had enough of that. Constant weight checks and looking at whatever we are eating, etc.



I did meet a few but there was just no connection other than one who I would at least have gone out with a second time. She didn't even respond when I texted after the date.

for some reason DonH, this comes off as a "barely felt enough to have a second date" and I wonder if she got that vibe from you. How open are you to really doing the heavy lifting in a relationship? When you date, are you excited at all?

I'm not saying I am either, at least not yet. Just curious.


So, at least for me it's been worse than real life. I'm dumbfounded how people report long term Rs or even marriage with the first people they met online. Hopefully you'll do better than I have.


my own brother has been married for 15 years and they have a daughter, they met with Eharmony. In fact about 1/2 of my friends in their second marriages met online.

Trust me, I KNOW how crazy it sounds, but it's true.




M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Own,

thanks. I joined a DivorceCare group and we met last night. It's so helpful to be in a place where you can mourn or whine or b1tch and not worry that you are dumping too much on friends and family.

So many walking wounded among us.

Amazing. And for the 2nd marriages formed among the healed (not reactive), I commend that.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Posts: 2,265
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So, are you active online now? If so, this is sort of what I mean. If you are not yet ready to go out on a date, why have an active OLD profile? Is that not sort of like going into a restaurant, being seating at a table and then saying "oh I'm not ready to order anything today, I just wanted to see what it was like going into a restaurant so when I am ready I'll have checked it out." I felt like the waiter would in that situation. Some people will put "just looking at this point" right in their profile so everyone knew. If not, is it fair to the guys showing interest? Or just wasting time?

As to the woman I would have dated a second time, I think I showed interest - at least some level. I guess I'm just so huge on honesty Again, all she would have had to say was "I enjoyed meeting you but I don't think we are a match." Would that be so hard?

When I say I sent 50 to 75 emails, I mean just that. I rarely if ever just winked. All were at least a few sentences. Most were a few paragraphs. I tried all sort of things - serious, goofy, light, references to things they put in their profiles, referencing their pics, asking questions, all sorts of things. I have heard that women start out responding to everyone, as you suggest you would. They quickly get bad responses as guys don't like to be shot down I guess - still no excuse. But after a few snarky retorts, they simply stop responding at all unless they are interested.

I get I'm not everyone's match - clearly. But 0 for 50? Really? I used to think and am still told I'm reasonably good looking. I had no inappropriate photos, some with friends, one on stage, only one "selfie". I really don't get it.

Then on top of it I'd see some women for a long time. I was on and off and they may have been as well but I'd see them looking for several years or more. Obviously they were not doing any better than I was, yet no response. Oh and yes, I tried a variety of profiles. I'll bet I changed it a half dozen times - again long, short, serious, funny, a combination of all of the above. Same results

For the ones that contacted me that I said were non starters, some were much older, some were wearing clothes from a decade ago, terrible photos like they had just woken up and were very pissed off about it, lol. I don't know how to give an example but they were just not even in the ballpark of possibilities. Thing is, I did usually respond to thank them for their email.

For more "fun" OLD and other dating stories check my thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2729845#Post2729845

I just finally gave up. I'm sure it's something I was doing. How could it not be? I just didn't ever figure out what it was. Perhaps it was the women I was interested in? Perhaps it's my age? I don't know. I rarely went more than 10 years younger so it's not like I was out of my age range. Most were within 5 years of me either way.

I've done better IRL - but not by much. Even there I can't figure it out. It clearly works for some people - just not me. That's why I have titled my thread "this used to be easier and a lot more fun." Because it was. I never had women lining up at my door but used to find it rather easy to date. Since my D and even more so in the last five years it's gone down hill. Finally, about three months ago, I just stopped trying altogether. If I meet someone I meet someone if not at least I'm not being rejected all the time. Same end results but less pain.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Don,

point taken about why profile? I hid my profile after 4 days b/c it's like a part time job just trying to weed out AND be kind to those who send messages.

Unless the messages are weirdly familiar or bossy or curt (15%?) I answered them. Horrific grammar also rules out some (another 15-20%) so a 1/3 are weeded out just by how they write.

I can't say ^^that's a "great system", but when the numbers are high, you have to come up with something. I ignored most winks and flirts unless I saw a photo of someone hot. And even then, not many.

Most messaging men seem to want to meet soon, whereas I want 2-4 conversations first. THEN I'd want to see if we can have coffee to check chemistry and see where it goes. That was my "plan". Not a dinner first and a public place is needed. Also I KNOW that if I have not slept with a man other than my h, for 36-7 years, I can't just go do it. Mind you, i have a high libido. But it will be SO different (painful?? God I hope not) that I'll have to freak out and I just hope I can hide it.

When I posted there was a deluge of messages repeated, from guys who want to move too fast.

Don, I got scared off. It was not a game. I have the phone number of 3 guys I may call. One in particular seems seriously ready to be IN a relationship and he has a cabin in the mountains ---and I'm already thinking "NO, I want to live overseas, and maybe have a cabin for LATER..."

So in a way I'm talking myself out of things. Like for all I know, he's willing to move or travel, but it's like I'm finding reasons he could not be a mate.

I'll have to think about all that. In real life, yes it's easier b/c I feel more facile with conversations in person. Wit and concern are easier to convey in person.

But I will ponder all this and welcome the OLD stories and advice, which have already helped me. So I think i''l call

Interestingly, I feel like there's a temporary escape when i imagine dating. Like my ego isn't so bruised. Like I CAN recouple someday.
But I'm not sure that^^ is a good reason to date...and I'm not sure it's a bad one.

Thanks


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Can I make one small suggestion on the online dating thing?

I prefer to meet right away. Why? because yes, this OLD thing is like a part-time job. Messaging then finding out there is nothing there when you meet in person almost seems like a waste of time. So a quick coffee after a few messages is the best way to go. Plus, then you at least have the superficial conversation rather than no conversation if it doesn't go all that well.

I will get a lot of messages. I answer about 1/8. A lot of times the message is 2 words. I don't answer them. he probably sent that to every woman. But the thoughtful ones that sound normal, I answer.

And from what I hear, they say don't put all perfect pictures of yourself up. Not your best angled selfies or the pics you took while at a wedding all dolled up. I add some of those, but they say put some real life, imperfect hair, no make-up stuff. Because that makes you look real and there are no surprises!

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Hi

I have many friends sho date online
Interesting to hear about and it is like a job,,meeting and getting to know people

I never had the chance to do it as I began a R about 2 years post separation
it just happened..I really tried to resist it but it was very strong
still together 8 years now-he is a good man-very different from my exH
but I am not sure I would marry again or him-
feel like I missed out b/c I jumped in to an exclusive R too soon
take your time-

I didn't read your story but I remember you from long ago
you were one of the lucky ones who reconciled-
sorry it did not work


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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And yes, hope is a good reason to date. As a very wise person told me, life is about possibilities. Possibilities keep us going.

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I must totally agree that OLD can be like a part time job! I tired eHarmony like 7 or 8 years ago and by far that really was like a part time job!

So I sent 50 emails with hardly any responses while you and G have so many you can't keep up and need a system to weed through them all. No wonder women don't send much themselves - they don't have to.

Man life is just really not fair! Lol I only wish I had so many to chose from that I could not keep up. Yeah that must really stink! Lol. I really am being good naturedly sarcastic here - well mostly. smile but C'mon, this is just not fair! smile.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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well DonH,

you make a good point. The cynic (scaredy cat) in me says guys are more likely to be creepy...

Sexist? I KNOW! (But I'm only sexist when it's convenient so...you know...that's different).

Yes there are a lot of obvious players with the standard inapplicable messages and over the top cliched ones.

A thoughtful message - mostly get a response but as Ginger said, it's easy to get overwhelmed.

Ginger, as for photos, don't we have to crop out a ton if there are other people?

God forbid I put a selfie on, as 90% of the selfies I see make the guys look insane or drunk.

Or it's dark...

OKAY I won't whine anymore since poor DonH got stood up online.

Other than paying something, are there big differences in the programs?

And no, I"m not sure I'm ready. For some reason I set a "one year" timeline on myself back in the fall.
I also always thought it was a in poor taste to date while still legally married.

But now I just have no idea when the D will be final at this rate. Yet here I am taking a dip, sort of.

Sheesh, with H cutting d19 off, who knows when this D process ends?

But I digress.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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