It takes two to tango (Pt. 7)

[roist]

Best wishes.

[bttrfly]

Well, it seems that I will be praying and trying to remain that lighthouse from the other side of divorce. The W is pushing for this to be done ASAP. It seems that she wants to have everything signed within the next 30 days. If we can manage that it will be less than 365 days from BD to D. While not a record I'm sure, it seems really quick to end a long term M.

I felt the same about my sitch, as exh was pushing hard to be divorced ASAP. He was horrified when our mediator said he thought we could be divorced within 8 months. That was too long for him! I think your reaction is a normal one for a LBS. BTW, our divorce actually took 20 1/2 months, still very fast when you factor in a 22 year marriage, 26 year relationship, property, kid, other assets to split.

I think that I have done a decent job with not worrying about what she is doing all of the time, or who she is doing it with, but this has thrown me for a loop. I guess I was hoping and praying that she would have a change of heart before we had to go thru with the D. I guess I don't get a choice in this matter...haha.

{{{{{{{SBJ}}}}}}} hugs xoxoxo

I get it. I really do. Even after court, during the 120 day waiting period I kept hoping deep down inside that he would stop it, snap out of it, be the man he used to be. It's hard to turn off when you've been with someone more than half your life. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

For those of you that have reluctantly gone thru with the divorce ... what is the secret to doing so without totally losing it? She's been out of the house for over 7 months, but I feel that I could still welcome her home tonight. I know that would not bode well for the future, but I still miss the woman that was by my side for over 25 years. I even the miss the woman that was there up until a month or two before BD. The speed at which they detach is crazy fast.

It's seems crazy fast because they've really been detaching a whole lot longer than it seems. They were detaching way, way, WAY before BD. They just don't clue the LBS in. Maybe it's because they haven't made up their minds yet.

I miss the man with whom I spent more than half my life. I guess the answer to your question is that I realized that the person who was divorcing me was a completely different person from the one who married me. That made it a little easier.

The other answers to that question:

1. don't rush the process
2. only plan one week out
3. when unsure, do nothing
4. sit quietly and wait for the answers
5. do something physical - exercise, yard work, etc. to get the stress out of your body

I also kept things in the day as much as possible - ok, the hour, or minute, some days. I allowed myself to grieve. I ate ice-cream for breakfast and/or dinner some days (that's not a great idea, by the way). Basically all the things you did in the beginning, you have to do again. The good news is, you've had practice so it is a bit easier.

My discussions with her now are simply dollars and cents. It is hard for me to try and understand their mind. How they can detach and seem to talk to us like we had not spent so many years together. They acknowledge at least that we have kids together, because they have to split costs with us, but as far as we are concerned...we never existed. Maybe it is defense mechanism for their batchitcrazy mindset.

Still trying to figure that out. Got no good answers for you. The revisionist history is astounding as well. What they have to do to justify their actions. Remember: they are not in their right minds, so dig deep for patience and compassion.

I have found in my GAL time that I rekindled some friendships with some guys that I have known for a while, but not spent time with for a while. The kicker is that all four of them have been thru divorce. One twice and the other three just once.

My relationships post BD are much different - at least in terms of my inner circle. This has taught me who I can and cannot depend on. I'm closer with some and very distant from others with whom I used to be close. It's definitely a strange phenomenon. Divorce really kicks up a lot for even those involved only peripherally.

My FIL just came by and we had a nice talk. He is still blown away that his daughter is doing this, but says it is a total copy of what her mother did to him 30 years ago...my W was a teenager at the time. I know I have said it before on here, but she seems to have reverted to being a teenager in some aspects of her personality. She seems like a giddy schoolgirl when she is around my daughter and her friends, but then kind of acts older when she is around their parents. It just seems odd to me.

Nope, she's back in the time of her trauma, trying to re-live it. This is an opportunity for her to heal that, if she can.

My FIL and step-MIL don't agree with it and insist that I have been dealt a crappy hand. He said for me to try and move on the best I can and if she ever "snaps out of it" I can then decide if I want her back. Sounds like he has listened to MWD. He is a wise man and I totally respect him, but it is still a hard thing to wrap my crazed brain around.

He's right.

I hope everyone is having a better day and time of it than I am today. God bless you all. Please keep me and my family (even the W) in your prayers. THX

Absolutely. You are all in my prayers. Just focus on breathing and getting through one day at a time. Anything that's too overwhelming, turn over to God. As my dear friend who passed a few months ago used to say, "1, 2, 3 give it to God."

[SBJ]

roist...thanks for the wishes.

bttrfly...thanks for the words of encouragement. I have read that the time just post D is very similar to just post BD. I lost 30#'s post BD and have gained back 20#. I thought bourbon was zero calorie??? Who knew?

I like your idea of ice cream for meals, but my waistline wouldn't like it. I have to get serious about getting back on the road and into the gym...I have a Tough Mudder to do with some long time friends the first of November, so I need to get some miles under my feet and get comfortable pulling my @$$ over and thru some obstacles.

Bttrfly, I will be thinking about you in September. I just made hotel reservations in New Orleans for the Pats/Saints game. A long weekend with some friends and family. Good times. The oldest and I are huge Pats fans...should be a great weekend.

I hope your guitar playing is going better than mine...not able to practice as much as I'd like, but I will get there.

God Bless!

[AndrewP]

SBJ - I've been reading along but not saying much because you seem from the outside to have a good support network and feel good about yourself, what you are doing and why.

I did want to give my own point of view as someone who has trod a slightly different but I think similar path.

For me, I did indeed drop the rope. I know that she's gone and that there is no indication that she will ever want to come back. I'm perhaps still a lighthouse but one that is not shining it's beacon in any particular direction.

One of the most powerful things that influenced me and yes, drove me mad, was Hope. If you remember the story of Pandora, when her box was opened, all of the evil contained within was released except Hope. Hope is indeed a powerful thing but it binds us to the thing we are hoping for. Hope can keep a person striving long beyond where they may have thought it possible but it does also wrap us in it's coils.

In some ways perhaps you are where I was late last fall. I had been gradually losing my Hope for some time but then had my hope renewed by an encounter in November. It was then completely crushed some weeks later and then I stopped Hoping. I'm not telling you to abandon Hope, you must pick your own path through the fog that you are also in. I'm just saying that for me, releasing that Hope, the Hope that she would come back and that we would be a family again was the one thing that allowed me to move forward.

You can be proud of the man that you are and what you stand for. I have discovered that it is possible to love and to have loved, to follow the path of Duty and Honour and to know that as I believe that eric once asked me, that I have done absolutely everything that I could have before letting her go.

Blessings.

[OwnIt]

Great post Andrew. I agree that hope is what has tripped me up at times and letting it go was the key to moving on.

[roist]

I can see the point Andrew makes. It makes sense. I disagree slightly though and this is just my opinion.You need to let go the outcome not hope.

For some the only way they can let go the outcome is to no longer want to save the M. That isn't the only way but having hope can increase attachment to a specific outcome. So it boils back to being detached being the key.

Hope and try are weak words and weak characteristics on their own. They need to be used to align actions towards specific goals. For example SBJ hopes to finish a tough mudder later this year. Signing up makes that real. Training towards it makes it doable.

Michelle states it is never too late. In other words there is always hope or at least a reason to hope.

Best wishes

[SBJ]

Thank you guys. I'm sure that everyone on here knows by now that I am hanging on my faith in God that the right thing will happen. His will.

What is that? I cannot answer that. When is it going to happen? I cannot answer that.

I believe that marriage is forever, but I cannot force another person to believe the same thing. I believe that my word is my bond, but I cannot force another person to believe that.

God created me to be a faithful, kind, and loving husband and father. I will not quit being who I am, but I will use His word to grow even better and stronger. He is the ultimate gardener and sometimes He prunes things in our lives so that they will thrive and grow even better. Some of us see that pruning as things (relationships) being over, but some see it as a way of growing things even better together.

To align with roist's comment...I signed up for my marriage over 20 years ago and it was real, but she and I did not train, "together", to make it truly doable. I admit that there were many things that she and I could both do to make us so much better together, and I also accept all of the mistakes that I made.

I agree with Michelle about always having hope, but I have to simply put my hope in God, myself, and my children. God is always by my side. I can only control "me". My children are reliant on me for guidance, love, and consistency. If my W ever comes thru her trial, then I will rekindle my hope with her. Just as I would never give up on my kids...I cannot totally give up on her. I think that she is lost, but I also think that she has to find her way thru it.

[roist]

You sound well on your way to letting go of the outcome. That will stand to you and help you through the next month and beyond.

I believe not many people are truly prepared for M. There should be a compulsory course beforehand. People are not equipped to treat each other as they should in M. Heck they don't even realise that until they end up as LBS or WAS.

I have learned more in the last two years than I did in our 20 years together. Someone will reap the rewards a part from me!! The same will apply for you.there is a site about the law of attraction and they say you should set your goals for K to happen........ or better. I am confident that I will have a loving fulfilling R in the future. I believe that. I will do my best that it is my W that is the other half of that R, but I don't rule out that it may not be.

Sorry for rushed reply but I gotta go. But for what it is worth I think you are doing great for someone still within a year of bd

Best wishes.

[Gordie]

SBJ and Roist,

I won't hijack but just want to say I have learned so much from both of you. I have been struggling with that four letter word HOPE. I share SBJ's beliefs about God and marriage and that I'm still committed even if w is not. At times, I feel I am the for keeping my hope alive so appreciated the distinction of letting go of the outcome.

[SBJ]

Gordie you are awesome...I think that is what this group is for...keeping us in Hope. Hope that we will be OK once we get thru the ____.

Found out earlier that my last living grandfather passed this morning. He went peacefully and I am sure he is staring in awe at the streets of gold in Heaven. I have shared with all of my children and will let the W know today. I was out of town with my oldest when her last living grandparent did 5 years ago. I always regretted that I wasn't with her, but nobody had a clue that it would happen.