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Adinva, I'm sorry for what your sister is going through. I'll defer the technical advice to 25, who said a lot of what was going through my mind. I agree that it would be better for her to divorce him, though from a practical matter I'm not sure that option is even available to her, depending on what state she lives in. However, I am not a lawyer.

I am a financial professional, and what I will tell you from that perspective is that people who allow themselves to get into serious debt (and it sounds like this was your sister before the medical issues) tend to stay there. If they are rescued, whether by bankruptcy or a generous family member, they tend to find themselves in the same situation within a couple of years. I have attempted to counsel a number of people in that situation and they just really don't seem to want to believe that math works. If they ever do pull themselves together it's because something happened to change how they saw their future.

Bankruptcy is likely in your sister's future. I doubt it will be worse than what she's living with right now. Like so much of what we fear, it's probably not the worst thing that will happen to her. If she goes through it in a managed way her livelihood can be preserved. If she waits for everything to get repossessed, she'll have a worse struggle.

What you're doing -- listening with love and supporting her as best you can (NOT financially) is probably the best thing you probably can do for her.

I don't want to sound like a harda$$, but it seems to me that she has her own rock bottom to hit. I can only imagine how hard that must be to watch and I feel for you. I know how frustrating it is to see in the people I meet with and they're just acquaintances. I imagine you watch her and just see the path through so clearly. It must be very frustrating. But if she is willing to get herself into this situation and resists advice, there's little you can do about that. People can't be changed until something makes them want to change, and that something is rarely another person pointing things out to them.

((((((Adinva)))))


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
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Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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I agree with your instinct not to bail her out financially. She's a mess financially.

As for nursing home care and health insurance: thanks to Obamacare, since he's on her insurance, her out of pocket cost for his hospital care is capped (I believe it's something like $6800 this year).

Health insurance will usually cover a month or two in a nursing home if it's considered rehabilitative.

IF it looks like he's going to be a long-term vegetable in a nursing home, then she may need to consider divorcing him so he can qualify for Medicaid.

Your sister needs to attend Debtors Anonymous meetings.

Is she renting out her house? If not, she should. If she can't, she should consider selling the house or letting it go into foreclosure.

The husbands house that she lives in now - can she take in a room mate to help pay the mortgage?

Realize of course that she's not likely to take any financial advice from you. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

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I'm realizing how challenging the transition to dating is for me. I swing from one extreme to the other and find my anxiety med needed to be increased and on top of that swimming a mile or some cardiokickboxing helps with the excess. I know I'm not being rational, so I'm trying to take it really slow until I settle down.

So far I've seen my old friend D twice. The first time was fun but I panicked at the thought of anything physical with him, so we decided to be friends for now and continue getting reacquainted. That is challenging because we both know he wants more than that, and I don't really know what I want. The second time we got together I met him at his house and met his d9 and s12 and immediately thought they were adorable and I connected with them and enjoyed getting out some of my old schoolager skills - I loved my kids' friends when they were that age (any age really) and so I could see really loving these kids. They showed off for me and I heard I made a very good impression. We then went out to dinner and drinks and talked for hours, and hugged goodbye. Still feeling very reserved physically although we have a great time together and great conversation. There's a lot I like about him and I could definitely see moving things forward...but then I feel panicky again.

Since then we've just texted and talked on the phone. He invited me to meet them at a trampoline party place for his son's birthday, and maybe hang out at a pool with them after the party, and I thought that sounded fun. Even potentially meeting the crazy XW sounded ok to me... Then on further thought and some input from friends I decided it was way too soon for me to get attached to his kids and possibly them to me. If I disappear for whatever reason, I don't want there to be any feelings of abandonment or disappointment. I don't mean to blow things out of proportion, but I also don't want to take any chances with the emotions of children who've already been abandoned in a sense by their mom. Also seeing him with his kids gives him an unfair advantage - 25 has always been right about how attractive it is to see a man being awesome with his children. I was very affected by that on our last date.

So, I called off the party/pool plan and made arrangements instead to meet for coffee during work hours. I do really want to continue getting to know him, but it's really hard for me when it requires planning and sitters and fancy dinners. For me, hangin' around time has always been my preference and the best way for me to know if I want to be with someone or not.

I do love texting with him, and talking on the phone.

But with the pool/kids thing, I felt like we should at least be exclusive if I'm going to hang around with his kids. And I feel really strongly that I need to meet more people to know what I want, and I feel trapped when I think of getting in a relationship with one person right now. I feel like I'll miss my chance at enjoying people freely and going on adventures, and that I'll regret and resent that if I get into something now with D and go right back to the preteen kid stage of life. In a year or two I could feel very differently but right now that is how I feel. So I made it very clear to him that I'd be dating other people...and I intend to do that as soon as I can find someone I feel like dating lol. Just haven't started that process yet. So in effect I am currently non-exclusively dating one person.

Part of my issue is that because of my history and emotional makeup and poor choice of partners so far, and commitment to make those poor choices work because *marriage is for life*...I now call into question my values in choosing someone I want to be with. I like a muscular physique...but I know my xh got his by spending all his time in the gym and on weekend runs and trips without me to triathlons. Therefore, maybe other types of physiques should not be ruled out. My friend D doesn't work out because he has custody of small children and doesn't neglect them to spend half a day in the gym. Just one example. So getting more experience out in the world will help me sift out what's really important to me.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Originally Posted By: adinva
So in effect I am currently non-exclusively dating one person.


advina,

We're a lot alike. Just the other day I had a collision with a stationary car moving in the opposite direction. It's weird how that stuff happens; could it be my neurosis?

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First, all of this is FEAR. fear of something new. But good things are on the other side of fear. It's reasonable to be fearful, but I think we miss a lot of good things in life because of fear.

You are smart in taking it slow. You are right, kids between 9-12 do become attached pretty easily. My D is 9 and she still misses my last boyfriend. Only the second I introduced her to, but the one she spent the most time with. I became attached to the one before the last's daughter. We had a very special bond. It was very difficult for the both of us.

My last guy was of a physique I was not used to. I never dated an overweight guy before. it just happened to be that way. I met him at the gym in an effort to lose weight. But I found him very attractive. For me, the inside ends up making the outside look different. A very physically attractive guy could be a turn off for me if his personality stinks.

Try not to overthink and just enjoy the ride!

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Yes youre right it's fear. I expressed to my IC some of the cr*pstorm of conflicting thoughts streaming out of my head and her response was "maybe you aren't ready to be dating yet". Which I became defensive about. Not acceptable. I'm ready to get ready as long as I can minimize the damage I can inflict on innocent nystanders.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Bystanders


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Hi Advina - I loved your quote above - non exclusively dating one person grin

I haven't read back, but can see you have been around on the forum for a good while - so your sitch is pretty 'old' - forgive the term.

If that's the case (ie: spent years dealing with XH mayhem) I can see people may be ready to date sooner after D. I have waited for a year and not yet dipped that toe in the water - although there are a couple of attractive, single guys I know and I might be interested if they were etc..

What I say to myself is - I'm pretty much 50 now. I can do what I like (as long as that isn't damaging to others.) So it is fine to have boundaries, and apply them if needs be. I struggle with this as a 'nice girl' sometimes, so it is a work in progress. But I would say - keep it light, enjoy, browse, have some laughs, stay safe - and live fully in other parts of your life too. Romantic love can be lovely, but self-love, good relationships and purpose and meaning in our lives separate to those romantic relationships is so important..

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2747251 06/17/17 02:59 PM
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Thanks Sotto. You sound so grounded! You're right, I have been here a looong time. I spent the first year and a half trying to change his mind, then four years getting used to being on my own and a single parent, then a year fighting with him for a fair settlement... with divorce papers signed this March. Meeting guys was not on the radar at all until the D papers were signed. So it is pretty new to me even though most of my other db buddies moved along a lot sooner than me.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
Joined: Sep 2011
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Oy. Is there a shortcut to learning the new rules that seem to have evolved around dating since my time when phones attached to walls with curly cords?

I love the banter of texting but apparently it can be misinterpreted as...
- overwhelming...do we chat every day? If we don't does it mean you're mad at me? If we do does it mean we're "going steady" or something?
- teasing...you can't fully explain anything via text...is it just attempting to keep you thinking about me or simply an indication that I was thinking about you and felt like saying Hey? Am I thinking about you too much? Why or why not?
- intrusive. Is that 10pm Hey interrupting your kid's bedtime? Your bedtime? Nothing at all? Hot s*x with someone else? If you answer right away does it confirm you were waiting with nothing else to do? Or does it confirm that you think I think you have to respond right away?
- a replacement for actually speaking or getting together. Do we have to set up an appointment to talk on the phone or does anyone still just call and leave a message? If we texted for an hour is the idea of speaking on the phone moot now?

Random thoughts. I am not a game player but it's a game anyway, as perceived by the recipient, and can't be avoided during the getting to know you phase. I feel like if i'm thinking of you and feel like saying Hey... I will and let the chips fall.

Don't worry, i'm not going to overthink this. Just find it fascinating and novel at the moment, fraught with unintended perceptions. And stupid weird emoticons. I hate those (except ☺).


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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