Hi 25! I read what your H is doing on FB and thought he's overly compensating or something. I don't think people who are all over FB posting how happy they are are necessarily that happy. I agree it seems immature in our age group to be doing that, and the timing is really inappropriate. A normal person in his position would be discreet, I would think. I wouldn't want to be the girl in those photos either. He sounds unhinged. Sorry.
My kids being out in college and near the end of high school, I think they would be happy for me to be dating. If they were younger I'd have likely been having those first dates off-screen, while they're at school or with a sitter, and they wouldn't have met a guy until he was going to be around for a while. But I had no time for anything then other than parenting them and working. And the special challenges they gave me raising them single-handed (how I survived that I'll never know) would have scared off anyone who might have thought about dating me.
Yeah, I can broach the topic with them. When they first brought girls around, there was no discussion like "hey mom I'm going to start dating now, and what do you think about that, and here's a girl I'm going to date." No, rather a girl would appear one day and my son would be all smiles, and gradually she'd be around more and more. I was kind of thinking along the same lines, but I suppose being in the mom role requires more maturity? And discussion?
My kids are 100% on my team. They do want me to be happy, and I'm less concerned than if they were younger about diverting attention they need from me.
I haven't ever wanted to appear to them as lonely or unhappy, I've got a full life with friends and activities (thanks to DB). So I don't think it would occur to them (or me) that I *need* someone; but they'd likely be happy for me to have fun and a nice companion.
My S19 has a lot of friends whose parents are divorced, dating, remarried, etc., so this is probably less weird for him than it is for me. His best friend, though, is not on speaking terms with his mom who left his dad and after the divorce moved in with a guy who is the "love of her life" on FB too. He refuses to even meet the guy. So it's possible for this to go badly, but there's a lot of difference in our situations.
I don't really want to be teased or made to feel self-conscious, but I suppose that too is a conversation I can have with them. H encouraged meanness and teasing, but he's been gone for a long time now and the boys are very kind and empathic.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I don't think it would occur to them (or me) that I *need* someone
ROFL. I'm kidding myself. I've been so d*mn lonely for so d*mn long. But I know I'm supposed to be fulfilled without *needing* someone, and most days I am, and just want to share my time and passions with a companion. Feeling impatient.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi - I'm starting a separate thread for this because there are some very wise people around here and it's not really appropriate for divorcebusting but maybe enough analagous to be a resource for advice or at least commiseration.
My sister has big problems, doesn't know where to turn for help, doesn't think she can afford help anyway, and has a few issues that stand in her way of receiving help anyway (think ADD and anxiety/depression - untreated, possibly borderline personality disorder). But those aren't her problems, these are: 1. Her H is an alcoholic, had a medical crisis either from withdrawal or something else, and has been in the ER and ICU mostly nonresponsive, since the beginning of May. (Same sister who lost her 32yo daughter to heroin OD a year ago.) 2. The doctors can not figure out what's wrong with him and continue providing basic maintenance type support like IV feeding, and order many tests, currently talking about CT scans of head and stomach, last time I spoke with her it was a spinal or bone biopsy (I don't know really, I'm not in medical profession and didn't really understand, but suffice it to say that every day there's something they want to try in order to get at the problem.) 3. He lost his job many months ago, was out of work for a long time, got hired around March and lost that job in a couple of days for showing up drunk. My sister added him to her health insurance plan as she's been the only income source during that time. 4. He has no will and no living will but has only told her verbally that he does not want to be intubated. 5. She has had a shopping addiction and has debt on multiple credit cards, and has not been able to pay all of her bills for a while. She chooses which ones to pay on a case by case basis and for the credit cards only ever pays the minimum. They kept their finances separate and used a joint account for certain things, but he paid his own mortgage and now obviously isn't. He also has car payments. She also has a mortgage on the house she owned before she married him - they live in a depressed area where their houses might be very hard to sell at all. She also has car payments (a whole other story, but you can see the money management is not good there). She is paying her income taxes this year with one of those checks that come with your credit card bill. In short, she probably has a negative net worth right now although she has a small retirement savings account. 6. She works as a nurse and is working extra as much as possible to try to make ends meet, and spends the rest of the time visiting her H or getting minimal sleep at home so she can do her job. She has very little time and no money for counseling or lawyers. 7. She doesn't know, and doesn't seem to be getting any information from the hospital or anyone, how much this will cost, how she'll pay it, and how broke she's going to need to get for him to get on Medicaid and go into a nursing home as he will need to if discharged from the hospital. 8. She can't afford his mortgage this month. (That's the house they live in. Hers is about an hour away.) She's afraid they're going to lose their home, and that she's going to lose everything she has too. 9. Even if she had time, she's so scattered and overwhelmed that she's talked herself into a frenzy about the impossibility of finding time to call a lawyer, inability to pay anyway, maybe she'll just pay it on a credit card, they're probably not going to be able to meet her for weeks anyway, and so on until she just doesn't make the call. No one else can make it for her though. 10. She is hard to give advice to even if you do know some answers. She will listen and then tell you 15 reasons why she can't do what she must do, and then a week later you'll have the exact same conversation all over again. This is where her new-car payments fit in the story BTW - it was impossible for her to consider buying a used car that she could afford because what she really needed was a brand new car she could not afford. 11. I feel guilty not helping but I'm a 10 hour drive away, and have my own financial concerns and my own kids to be responsible for, and I believe if I pay a mortgage payment or a cell phone bill for her, I'm just delaying the bankruptcy that is going to and probably needs to happen. And we have history, so when I've been tempted to pay for a plane ticket for her to visit our sick mom [and didn't], the next thing I hear is she and her H just bought new computers. And a mail-order doll, and an exercise machine. All I can do, and try to do as much as I can, is listen at the end of a phone since she has no friends or support system to vent to there. She scares off friends by coming out of the gate extremely needing and wanting to talk at length about her problems which are admittedly enormous, but which she never takes any steps to change. 12. She recently started going to AA or AlAnon meetings but believed everyone there was telling her to get a divorce, and even if financially that would be wise, emotionally she thinks it would be mean to divorce him in his time of need. And would probably be expensive, and would require her to give up 50% of her assets to him, and many other excuses she can list.
Whew. I don't have the knowledge or resources or emotional bandwidth to help her right now. I tell her how much I love her, and I can distract her with conversation and make her laugh for a bit, and let her cry, but she needs actual help, and isn't getting it.
- There must be some way to access some pro bono legal advice? She has no idea what to do to protect herself or even if it's possible to. It seems impossible to me that she needs to become homeless and penniless in order for him to be in a nursing home. She'll lose her job too, if she has to give up their cars and other assets. This is what she believes is going to happen. - Isn't there a social worker type role that can help someone navigate this stuff pro bono? I would have thought that was a person at the hospital but based on her situation I can say that if there is such a person at this particular hospital then they are no help whatsoever. - I'm considering making a gofundme for her, but then again, there's a lot of very personal stuff that I wouldn't want on the internet for the public to view.
I don't know, just had to get that off my chest. It's pretty awful. Just in case anyone here's dealt with extreme money / marriage / health trauma and knows what to do, I thought I'd post it here.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
It's against the law in this country for a hospital to kick someone out, who clearly needs care. if he's unresponsive, the worst they could do (assuming they're horrible people but law abiding)
is transfer him to a step down facility. They will NOT tell her that he'll die/be kicked out/ or not treated, b/c she cannot pay. That's been illegal for decades.
I'm not sure why more is not known about his medical condition, but if she is his wife (not common law) and if there are no adult children disagreeing, then she can make the decisions she believes he would make, on his behalf.
She's his next of kin. A will is a document that distributes his property upon death, so it's not really relevant to what's going on while he's alive. A living will - which is lacking here, is about his health care. But again, she can decide for him as his next of kin.
(There are a few exceptions to that, but they go beyond the scope of this post).
*IF he dies, all of his personal loans die with him. His Credit cards, school loans, etc. all go away if he dies. Not saying that's good, but she should not bother paying off his personal loans, especially while he's in the hospital.
Since her credit is shot anyhow, I'd prioritize based on what HER debt is, and secured debt gets paid before unsecured debt and here is how to tell. " secured debt which is something a creditor can grab.
Car loans are secured debt, so if you fail to pay it, your car can be repossessed and the creditor has 'secured' his debt.
Mortgages are secured debt, but from a practical standpoint, repossessing a home is harder for the creditor than just grabbing a car (repossessing). Credit cards are not secured debt but they can be canceled.
Medical bills are not secured debt.
I'm so sorry she is in the situation and that you are trying to shoulder this. You're a good sister.
I hope she can keep working as an RN and I really hope she keeps going to Al Anon.
Not sure why she thinks they are all telling her to divorce him if he's in the hospital now, so maybe that's all she hears...b/c in reality maybe they are making concrete suggestions and she's too overwhelmed.
Let's touch base soon
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The divorce advice I think is coming from two directions. One is that he was not hitting rock bottom and she was cleaning up vomit and pee off the floor and paying all the bills while he lay on the couch, and not for the first time over the five years or so that they've been married. So it was, love him, but don't stay married to him. She was completely opposed to that and felt rock bottom could happen without her leaving him (and this may be rock bottom now).
The other is now that she's staring at going into massive debt to pay for nursing care until he dies, maybe years, decades? And maybe could save some of her assets by not being married to him. For that she really needs legal advice.
They have no kids together but she has two young adult kids out of college.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I don't think it would occur to them (or me) that I *need* someone
ROFL. I'm kidding myself. I've been so d*mn lonely for so d*mn long. But I know I'm supposed to be fulfilled without *needing* someone, and most days I am, and just want to share my time and passions with a companion. Feeling impatient.
It is drilled into us on this website that we don't "need" anyone. Yes, we don't need anyone to survive. We can make our own money, derive joy from our own activities, raise our kids on our own......
But a basic human need for almost everyone is a romantic relationship/partnership. It is the human condition. My IC and I discussed this extensively. I feel like I am failing because I feel I "need" a partner. I am not failing because I have that need. I am human. You are human, we are all human.
I personally spent most of my adult life without a partner, raising my daughter, working, fulfilling my obligations, having great times and lots of fun along the way. I managed figure out how to GAl with baby/child in tow most of the time. One of biggest hobbies my D attended with me before she could walk or talk. It saved me. She still attends with me 9 years later:)
We are built to love and have compansionship. To be loved and give love as only romantic partners can.
The key is to curb the impatience which is very very difficult at times. I have made poor decisions because of need and my hole in my heart that can't be filled by some GAL activity. But trust me, the wait for the right one I know will be worth it.
hang in there. Trusting my gut and going with my her may have hurt me a bit, but Sometimes it's okay to throw out the rule book or modify it a little if something feel right. But if something doesn't feel right, we really have to listen to that.
I hope it will be ok with the mods not to roll this off-topic discussion up into my regular thread
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Who says she can't still love & care for him, as his financially solvent ex-wife, better than as his bankrupt wife?
Not to mention how terrible this all is, as an example of poor boundaries, no consequences, tons of enabling & whatever else she is teaching her kids.
Maybe this isn't very complicated; maybe its just really hard.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Actually, financially speaking, her being better off divorced is not bad for HIM.
make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings. I merged your two threads together. If the moderators allow one person to have more than one thread at a time, then others will come to expect the same when their topics vary. I make every effort to treat all the posters the same because I do not want anyone to feel slighted in any way.
Last edited by job; 05/26/1711:34 AM. Reason: Merged threads
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
