And thank you all for the future birthday wishes. it's next Saturday, Last year I was severely depressed on my Bday and cried a lot. No one was really around.
This year I have a good friend coming to celebrate. There will be no crying, just celebration. It's hard each year to get one year older and realize you don't have that special someone beside you, you never had that other child and now you are too old. But this hope lingers that next year will be different. When it's not, it hurts. But I am going to focus on all that I have, not all that I lack.
But I am going to focus on all that I have, not all that I lack.
This!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I think I mentioned earlier that I once got dumped by someone out of the blue...she did all the right things (no text break up, was willing to meet again to let me say my peace) but it caught me way off guard. A few months later she met some guy on a cruise and when they returned he moved in with her! Probably one of the luckiest breaks I ever caught was her dumping my ass (she'd wanted me to move in with her after two months, if I recall...and I said NO!) It certainly didn't feel like a break at the time. But things usually work out for the best...someone wonderful could be just down the road for you...and if not, you can always get a turtle
Hey Ginger, my XWW has now dumped OM3 after 7 months and is single again. I'm removed all boundaries and she has let herself back in my life.
She makes as though nothing has happened and wishes for her M again. That urge to have someone is not something that only we LBSs have. Co-dependency goes both ways, and we must be thankful that we have had an opportunity to remove it from our psyche now. My XWW will repeat this vicious cycle, perhaps till she dies.
I saw this movie and this one partner said to the other "I am toxic for you, as I love you less than what you love me". That's the key.
We all love on different levels - lust becomes love, love becomes in-love, in-love becomes love, love becomes hate. We all hope to stop somewhere in the middle. We have no control over the other person, this we all agree on. But if you can love with all of your heart, without restraint, without fear, then even if the other one walks away, you have lost nothing. You loved with all of you, and that's more than most people get to experience once in their life.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Don- I can guarantee you he was all in this and not me just hoping he was. Like I said, I was kind of weirded out at first by it. Never happened before. Always planning things in the future, calling our relationship "serious" Spending as much time with me as we could. Calling whenever he got a chance during the day, always calling to say good night. Good morning texts, calls on the way to work. letting me know every detail of his day. (without me eliciting this info) talking about future stuff. Vacation. Wedding date invites. Wanting me to spend the day with him and his nephew. making sure I got home safe all the time. Telling me "I am his" he could be jealous and I think he was a little thrown off I don't get jealous.
Well, I'm not sure you could have made your point more clear than this. Without a doubt, he was pursuing you. At most you increased it a bit more but let's just take that off the table - just based on what he did, what else would you think? It's pretty obvious.
Which, then brings me back to him - FF himself. Love avoidants will do this. They will come on hard like this and then back off. Thing is, I don't think he's love avoidant. It's something about him. His ex 42-year-old GF. That hits me hard - more for her. What 42 year old woman seriously dates a 25 yr/o? I mean really? What would they have in common? That just makes no sense to me at all.
I keep coming back to this, ANYONE who comes on that hard and that fast... again, this may just speak to me more than anything, but wow, that's a red flag. I guess it may happen once in a blue moon. I know of people who meet someone and later say, "I knew the night I met him I'd marry him." Yet, she dates him for two years to be sure. How can you really know someone within weeks or a month. How can you really be "in love" that fast. In lust yes, but truly in love? I know I just cannot. Things that burn that hot that fast most always burn out that fast.
I guess if you change anything, it's that. And that's what many here have said - all of this takes time. I am getting how caught up you were with this guy. I get it. But it takes two. There are other women who would have said, "whoa buddy, all of these gifts on Valentines Day is a bit much." It was the dynamic between the two of you. The piece that does not surprise me is that he was out as fast as he was in. I think you see that now. He went from zero to 60 in a short time - therefore he went from 60 to 0 in a short time.
If nothing else, it's becoming more and more clear to me, this falls to FF and not to you. You could have done things differently but I don't think he was playing games, I don't think you misread, for whatever reason, he just is rather impulsive and doesn't think things completely through. That's on him.
As for the dynamics of firefighters, yeah, this is a whole other area. It's like so juvenile with these guys. It's a different culture. I did not fit that mold at all - not even close. Then again, I was much more in the volunteer culture than the union full-time, but yeah, talk about high school or college kids that never grew up - that's the typical firefighter. It just is.
I'll close with this. There is something else coming yet. I feel it. Will you hear of/learn of it or not? Who knows. He's just not done being impulsive or doing things the way he does them. He's likely not done surprising you. When he does, I honestly just hope you don't hear about it as it will pss you off and depress you even more. I think there is so much more under his layers that you never got to peel back. Actually, I'm betting you won't argue with that point now. It's not what people say near as much as what they do. We have to watch what they do - not what they say. He said he was all in, loved it all, wanted it all, had plans for the future. And he may well have - at that moment. The next day, it all changed in his head. That's immaturity among other things.
Keep hanging in there my friend. I keep telling everyone "I just want to meet and date a normal woman!" Something tells me you are saying the same about a normal man!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
. We have no control over the other person, this we all agree on. But if you can love with all of your heart, without restraint, without fear, then even if the other one walks away, you have lost nothing. You loved with all of you, and that's more than most people get to experience once in their life.
Thanks DDJ. I was able to love in all those ways, but fear was attached. A fear I had actually expressed to him a few days before we broke up. I didn't say love, but I did mention fearing feeling the way I do for fear it is not being returned. I don't stop feeling the way I do, but I am fearful of it. But I did love with all of me. Without it being returned. It's a very hard thing to do. There was no condition attached either.
He is not a love avoidant. every other guy I dated was. yet, they loved the person who came during me or after me. He is not scared to love, but he wants to love the one who can give him all he desires.
I am thinking maybe I am just an abnormal or just as screwed up perhaps. I ATE UP that Valentines thing. It didn't scare me, it made me feel like I was on top of the world. When you are deprived of something so long and then it's right there in front of you, It's hard to run from instead of embrace it. It's like if I hadn't had ice cream in years and someone gave me this big beautiful huge sundae. I wouldn't run from it, I would gobble it up!
I really loved what we had until he became weird. And I did watch what he did. He showed me he cared for me until the end when he did what he did. I always watched his actions. I agree he is impulsive. He is searching for something and will just do what he's got to do to get him to his goal. All the more power to him, I guess.
I know he is going to date and probably soon. Which will stink, but I expect that. But if it's that girl, I will surely go even more nuts. So I pray I do not find out. Just like the constant rejection weakening me, this would be the second guy who moved onto someone I knew of and had feelings for prior to me. The others said " I don't want a relationship" and ended in a relationship with someone a week later. That stuff breaks you down too. Like the break up wasn't enough.
So, where does that all leave me? perhaps I chose poorly yet again. Perhaps it was another false relationship built upon dysfunctional tendencies. Maybe I am messed up as the rest of them.
Last night my dad and stepmom came for D9's 4th grade concert. We had dinner and then went to the school. My dad kept asking what is wrong. I am not myself, it is blantantly obvious. I am distracted and irritable and I can barely put a smile on my face. I pretended the best I could. I can't tell my dad how utterly depressed I am because I know how badly that will hurt him. My dad and stepmom did me a favor and were very kind to exH and OWW (they hate his guts) I asked because D9 watches and my dad noticed her watching the interactons. My dad made me promise that before he dies he could get one punch in. I said absolutely. ExFIL and GF of 10 years came. He popped the question last night to her. he was never legally divorced from exMIL, but exH said they recently did it uncontested. That poor woman lost out on so much by this not happening many many years ago. D9's concert was 60's themed and OWW showed up like she was in it or something wearing the weirdest outfit with her hair in pigtails. My friend and I were dying. So bittersweet watching my baby girl do her farewell concert and go to middle school.
We are getting D9 a passport and she needs pictures. I am taking her of course, and he calls me to tell me to call CVS and ask if we get them the same day. I asked him if his phone was broken. He tells me "I have to eat dinner and make war attacks on my game" What a loser. Then he wanted D9 to sleep over his sisters house his night on Thursday night. She freaked out about it, and said no, but I had a nice conversation with her and she agreed to it.
I have a lot to say lately, don't I? I am just trying to get through every day and I have been appreciative of everyone's words an insight. I just have to forget about him. I don't see him reaching out as a "friend" anytime soon. I am glad because I am no where near ready for that. Deep down part of me wants this one to be the one who said "Ginger, I made a mistake". For ego purposes solely. I will not even try to lie. There is a part that just years to hear "I miss you" even if nothing were ever to come of it. But this is obviously ridiculous and ego related and I am better off just letting it all go.
Thanks DDJ. I was able to love in all those ways, but fear was attached. A fear I had actually expressed to him a few days before we broke up. I didn't say love, but I did mention fearing feeling the way I do for fear it is not being returned. I don't stop feeling the way I do, but I am fearful of it. But I did love with all of me. Without it being returned. It's a very hard thing to do. There was no condition attached either.
You're welcome Ginger. It is about the fear. We all fear rejection. We fear failure. We fear fear itself. I don't think that there is anyway to overcome this fear, as it something so innate that I think it's part of our genetic make-up. We can attempt to disregard the fear, which can sort-of help. We can learn to detach, which feels uncomfortable most times.
Unconditional love is the hardest love to have. It is real sacrifice. Sometimes it feels like crucification. You're just hanging there, waiting to just die - LOL.
That's really what it feels like. That's something that i feel DBing misses, it removes feeling of love from the relationship. It speaks only of actions. When it was the feeling that got us there, and the lack feeling that got us here.
If you can hold your head up high and say, i am a better person because I can love with all of me, mind, body and soul, only then will you find someone just like you. Only then will you find someone whole.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
DDj- the rejection is getting the best of me I guess. I suffered the ultimate (exH) and everything that comes after you would think is easier, but it is actually harder. But I still love with all I have. A blessing and a curse I guess. I hope I can find someone one day who is afraid of the way I love and is reciprocal.
Journaling,
I decided to drag my butt out of the house for socialization. I've gone to the gym, but I haven't really spent too much time with friends. So my BFF and I went out to dinner and then to grab a drink or two. We discussed a lot. We both approach R's and men very differently. I told her how I know FF and I cannot be together. We both know it. Everyone knows it will technically not work out for our stages in life. How as parents, we would probably warn our children against a relationship like we had. I'm just sad he seems to have just erased me and that hurts a bit. Because I think about him all the time. But I accept the loss.
I shared with her something huge I realized about myself. I am suffering from a significant depression right now. I never actually really suffered the depression part when exH left. I felt anger, betrayal shock, and I was in fight or flight. I was a new mom with a baby to raise. I just didn't have the chance to be depressed. I worked a physically and mentally demanding career. I worked nights so I pretty much had a full time career and I was a SAHM in a sense. I was angry with my ex. So angry. That was my most prominent feeling. For years I just survived putting my life together.
I had hope back then. I had hope that I would find the one who would love us and want to start a family with us. That I would go on to marry and have another baby and blend a beautiful family. I simply had hope and that's what kept me going through.
Nothing ever happened. None of the things that were supposed to ever did. I went through a string of short term dates. Dated people I knew weren't going anywhere. I have non sustained a relationship past 6 months, I rarely ever even met anyone. My lifestyle was not conducive to it at all. I mourned not having anymore children. That was a hard one for me. I talked myself into it being for the best and thought of how great it's going to be when she is 18 and I am 45. Then exNG came along and I loved him. I loved his daughter and I thought how cool. I can love someone elses child. We had a special bond. Then I lost that and I began to lose hope. I went on AD's to stop the horrible crying. It helped. But since him,I had not been right. Depressed and hopeless on some level. I joined that gym because I couldn't sit idle. I was going nuts in my house alone with my daughter every night. I love being with her, but the single mother thing is isolating. I needed to expend my energy have adult contact. it did really good for me. GAL was doing it's job even though it was just covering up the void of what I truly yearned for.
Then when I least expected it, like everyone told me it would happen. There was FF. Pursuing me. last guy I imagined due to age. And we just hit it off. And I had said "so, this is what they mean when I least expect it?" I was finally completely fulfilled. And then Poof, it was gone. ANd here I sit feeling depressed, hopeless, defeated, tired. And I have never felt this low. Even when my ex left me for another woman right after I gave birth to our miracle child.
This is just a journal. I know I will beat this. I have to. Not for me, but for my daughter. She needs her mom fully present. And I am honestly not. I am distracted and irritable. She needs me back. She knows I am not ok right now. She hugs me all the time. She's a big hugger, but even more so. I am doing all the right things, exercising, trying to get out with friends, signing up for new activities.... I am trying. Getting out last night I felt better. I laughed. I enjoyed company and a good meal. That's a good sign.
Tonight, no plans. But that's ok. I am reading a book I am really enjoying. I'm going to clean, relax, and read. Enjoy some wine and sushi. Tomorrow night I have a BBQ with some great friends. I am doing everything I need to do.
Whoever actually read this, props to you for even trying!
