I get what you're saying G. He was like the knight in shining armour who rode in and whisked you up in his arms...hard to resist that kind of attention! So there's another lesson...when a guy is too much too soon, watch out. It can change on a dime. Personally, if I'd gone out with a guy (if i was a woman, of course) and he showed up on my door, after a date or two, with flowers, teddy bears and wine asking me to be his Valentine...I'd crap myself! Again, too much too soon. Planning a vacation together after a week or so...again, too much too soon. I like what you said about watching for obstacles, that's very important. That's what I did with the lady I mentioned earlier...she seemed wonderful but a big life transition and a relationship do not go together. The relationship will always come second. So, there is always learning to be done from our experiences. Hang in there, we're all here for you!
he did ride in whish me away. I do not regret not resisting that kind of attention. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change it. I hadn't had a valentines day in forever and he knew that. It was a nice gesture to make it special for me. He sent me the most genuine text that day too. None of it scared me. He knew it was safe and it was. I'll keep that text, I'll keep the memory, and I kept the teddy bear hidden away. Of course we drank the wine. I had the time of my life on that vacation. How awesome was it to spend 26 hours in the car together, mostly holding hands, playing stupid road games and talking about life. Then having a week of pure fun and companionship without a single disagreement? I again wouldn't trade it for the world.
I've been living life for so long without experiencing such things, raising a child by myself, that When an opportunity knocks me in the face like that, I go for it. Sure, I am in pain now. But I wouldn't trade it in.
I still just wouldn't change anything except have an open and honest conversation about futures from the beginning. Most would say not to have such a scary conversation that early, but our circumstances required it before we go too deeply involved.
I was doing some reading this morning and this is the hardest kind of relationship to lose. Neither actually want each other gone from their lives, but there is no choice. It's tough.
We shall agree to disagree lol. Aside from the pain, most relationships have some incredibly beautiful moments to remember...that's what keeps us reaching out to each other
Hello, my sweet friend. I am sorry I havent been around for you. As usual, I have drama and crap going on in my life. Oh well.
Anyway, I skimmed through your threads and I just wanted to say a few things to you.
First of all, you are who you are, G. And the very best parts of you are your heart and your loyalty. Those are amazing traits to have, but, when you do, you are going to get hurt at some point. Maybe several times.
The thing of it is, is that I would rather be true to who I was, I would rather love with all I have...than try to be someone I'm not.
Do I think you should have called him? Probably not. But I am not you. You did what you thought was right and best for you. You led with your heart and it's ok. It is.
But as I said, when we do, we have to be prepared for the possibility of getting hurt because we cant control the other person's heart or mind or actions.
Now whether you want to continue to do it, is up to you. As long as you know going in that the outcome may not be what you hoped.
I kind of think you needed to hear what he said because you didnt get to hear it the first time because it was done over text (Dont get me freakin started over that one).
G,he felt as he did. Right or wrong - backwards thinking or whatever. Did he care for you? You know in your heart he did. But I think he needs to grow up some. I think he needs to realize that the dream he has...is just that. No one's life turns out exactly as we plan. Thats for sure.
You will come to see that he entered your life for a reason. Part of that reason is that you needed to see that you could love again. You needed to see that it is possible...all of it.
I know you and I know you will be fine. MY concern, though, is that you think this is something that is lacking in you. I hope you know it isnt. You love well and true, G. There isnt anything lacking in that.
My heart hurts that yours was broken. I wish I could make the pain go away.
I know, without a single doubt, that one day you will find someone worthy of you and that beautiful daughter of yours and man, would he have to be special.
Until then, remember how loved you are by so many.
HI friend. Thank so much for stopping by. And checking on me via text. It means the world to me.
It's true, I only know how to love with all I have, but I know that means the pain will hurt more when I lose who I love. It was scary for me to tell him I loved him. Especially when I knew he couldn't say it back.
Well, I reached out, but I didn't call. We texted, I basically made a butt of myself and he validated. He validates like a DB'er. Gives nothing away but keeps himself in a "safe" spot where everything comes across so neutral. It actually is really irritating when you know what they are doing. So, we never really got to have a conversation, I still have not heard his voice since he said "bye babe, I might still be in your bed when you get back" the day before he broke up with me. I struggle feeling like our relationship wasn't even worth a face to face break-up. Maybe one day when we are both more detached we can have that meeting.
As for now? No contact since Monday and I plan on initiating nothing. I deleted his texts, his phone number, all his missed phone calls form my contacts that have his number, I unfriended him on FB..... I want zero temptation. I do hope one day perhaps we can meet as friends, but it certainly won't be me initiating it.
Yes thoughts creep in that something was lacking in me. But I keep reminding myself that there is nothing I could be rather than 10 years younger and no kids...... and both are impossible. I wouldn't mind the 10 years younger part, lol. But my daughter is my world. He told me he loved what we had, he loved who I am, and who I was to him.
He has some growing up to do big time. And I do hope he realizes his dream of the wife, house, and minivan full of kids. It hurts that I couldn't do that for him. I wish he would have realized this before he asked me out. He knew my sitch....... but we all try to talk ourselves into certain things for the wrong reasons. I have been guilty of it more than I care to admit.
It will take a very special man to love us both. I hope he is out there and I hope he finds us.
I agree, and my T said the same thing. I needed to know I could open up my heart and love again. He is the one I let the farthest in my life ever. To be a real part of my life. I also I hope I set some standard in his life when looking for his wife and mother to be of his kids. How he should be treated by a woman and how to be loved properly. I hope he doesn't settle for any less.
My pain is great. Much different than with anyone else, even my exH. It's the first time I have ever wanted to put a "Band-Aid" on it in the form of a distraction, if you know what I mean. I have never done it nor have I had the desire. But I used to not understand how someone could break up with someone and be right onto the next in no time. I get it now, you want to take away the pain of the one before you. I won't do it, because I don't think I am capable, but it is tempting.
I love you UR. and I am here for you just as you have been here for me. You know where to find me any time and I will always listen or help in any way I can.
I am sorry, G. I misread the post. I thought you had a phone conversation. I wish you had, to be honest.
I still cannot, after all this time, understand people. I just cant. Maybe it is because of how I live my life. I try to do it with honesty and integrity.
I am sorry but he should not have started anything with you. He was in a relationship like this before and so he knew, on some level, that he wanted someone who he can start a family with. The thing of it is, because of his immaturity, is that he didnt realize a family is born of the heart and he could have had an amazing one with you.
You know, G, I often wonder why those of us who love as we do and who have endured what we have, hurt the deepest. THe truth is, I know why...it is exactly because of all of that.
YOu let him in, I know what that means. It was a giant leap of faith with the cliff on the horizon, yet you took it.
I know you allowed yourself to imagine the possibilities. Something you have learned not to do. I am not going to tell you that you shouldnt have, because that isnt true. The possibilities are what make a life.
So, honor the memories and keep them safe. THere is something amazing to be said about loving the way you do. The proof of that is in your daughter and the people who love you back.
He lost out big time. He doesnt really know it yet, but, he will. That isnt your problem now. It is his.
He was a coward, G. In a lot of ways. He didnt do the right thing from the beginning. I suppose we could say that he led with his heart, too, but, I am not giving him a pass. He doesnt deserve it.
As always, there are two ways that I feel. My love for you feels anger at him and sadness for you. But I also feel, really strongly, that things are supposed to happen as they do. I know people feel those are just words, but, I have found it to be true many times.
I always say that I need a brick building to fall on me before I understand something.
I truly believe that you needed to know you could love again, to get you ready for the one you are supposed to be with. Because now you know...you know..... you are capable of letting someone in. You know that you could love deeply. With all we have gone through, we need to know that.
Leave him be to figure out his stuff. And boy, he has some stuff.
Thank you for saying you are always here for me. And I know it, my friend. I dont know why my life has had so much crap. I just know that I am not yet ready to give up, so, I keep going.
UR, I am angry too. There is compassion, love, and anger towards him and the situation. And even the universe.
he really didn't do the right thing from the beginning. While there is a lot I do understand, there is a lot I don't. And sitting here with no "closure" simply a text break up is killing me.
I don't know why, but I do think one day he will regret this. Part of me wishes I knew how he was feeling about all of this right now. The other part knows when this regret comes, it will be too late.
I am still doing awful unfortunately. I am disconnected and detached from everything. it was just me and D9 all weekend and I tried so hard to be present. But it was surreal, like I was just watching everything happen. I went ot the gym twice, we went out to dinner twice, I took her to the park to ride her bike and play...... I grilled us some dinner yesterday. But I am purely going through the motions. There is something very missing. We were driving home from dinner the other night and FF drives a popular pick up truck and she saw one in his color at a light next to us and she told me she misses him.
You are right, you do have to see the possibilities. The possibilities are what keeps us going in life. I thought this one was the reason why I endured every other crappy R in my life. I thought this was the door.
I wake up every morning with anxiety. And I don't even have anxiety, lol. And I can't wait for the day to be over.
he has no clue what he left in his wake. Not all his responsibility, but some of it is.
Well, the ex gave me the info on joining that co-ed volley ball league. I was too chicken to do it........ but I decided I can't go on like this any longer and I signed up. I'll be the mom taking her kid to the bar Monday nights to play volleyball! Ex said on later game nights he will help me out and take her.... then maybe I can hang out for the happy hour after. it's a cool place. There is a really nice bar outside, they serve good food and there is 2 sand volleyball courts outside and regular bar leages play sometimes, and this league plays Monday night. I did have lots of fun the one time I did it last year. D9 was fine hanging out watching...... So, I'm all paid and signed up and I begin June 19th.
've managed to overcome limits to the single motherhood with no help in my social life. I have basically brought her to everything I could bring her along to. I use my best discretion o make sure it doesn't interfere with school work or isn't too late at night. I miss the gym where I met FF. It all went down the tubes (not because of him) but when they fired his sister. It was keeping me sane when I felt so alone. I need something like that in my life again, because between work where I sit here all day and exchange a few adult words then home where it's just me and D9 now..... I'm losing it a little. D9 is also getting to the stage where she wants to be in her room. Kid ditched me Friday night to watch her shows in her room and I wanted to watch a movie with her
The isolation is not making things any better. I have some fun things planned for the next 2 months or so, with and without D9.
I have to keep convincing myself that I got this far and now is not the time to lay down and die.
I was talking to a friend last night and I asked how exNG was doing. He is doing well, his woman wants a ring, lol. I realized I really reached a point where I don't wish ill on him and I wish him the best. he's happy and content in his situation and that is good for him.
But a few things got me thinking about how I have managed to set up the guy I married and the guys I have dated for their long term relationships. The ones that come after me, or hell, during me, last long term. They are the serious ones. They thank me for being there, for being who I am, for "teaching" them about themselves..... then convieniently drop me off and give their new found selves to the next ones. It really in interesting. I could bet you FF will marry the one that comes after me. He's already thanked me for teaching me about himself and about life and for all the things I gave him. Now the next woman will reap the benefits.
I ask myself "how is it I show them the way, but I never Am the way?" Is there something about me that can't be loved for a long period of time? That someone can't see themselves growing old with?
I'm just hoping because the universe is holding out for the one who will realize it and never want to let it go.
But for now, I am the "prepper". Opening guys up to other woman, helping them understand themselves and what they want, which unfortunately, never turns out to be me!
But a few things got me thinking about how I have managed to set up the guy I married and the guys I have dated for their long term relationships. The ones that come after me, or hell, during me, last long term. They are the serious ones. They thank me for being there, for being who I am, for "teaching" them about themselves..... then convieniently drop me off and give their new found selves to the next ones. It really in interesting. I could bet you FF will marry the one that comes after me. He's already thanked me for teaching me about himself and about life and for all the things I gave him. Now the next woman will reap the benefits.
This is making the assumption that them putting a ring on some woman's finger will naturally lead to a fulfilled lifelong partnership.
I'm glad you are wishing the best for your ExNG. You have always done a good job letting go of anger and living your own life. That is one of your best qualities, and it really reflects who you are because unlike a personality trait it is a choice.
I hope you can do the same with FF. I see the situation from another angle. There has been some lashing out, you dodged a bullet, he is a coward, he mislead you, he is immature, etc, etc. I don't get it. A guy dated someone for a few months but wasn't ready to make a life commitment. I don't see how this makes him a horrible person or why we have to make him a bad guy to comfort your feelings.
Yeah, it stinks he broke up by text. But the text wasn't what felt bad, it was the breaking up part. Like it or not, this is a different world than 1998 and he's hardly unique here. And maybe he spared you months of limbo and pain because he knew he'd be too tempted to stay with you in the short term while he couldn't in the long term. Maybe it was a GIFT. And I don't know if you dodged a bullet. Sometimes things in life happen that we don't like. That is life. If he had been hit by a bus and killed would we say, "it's for the best, you dodged a bullet"? Of course not. That would be tragic. Well, he's the same person as if he was hit by a bus. A good guy that you liked and it's too bad it didn't work out.
Good for you for signing up. Just keep breathing and have faith that one day you will wake up and it won't be how it is today. But hope you have some moments that surprise you and aren't all bad today too. Take care.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
