JuJU- thank you. I know you have been having similar symptoms of depression and I am glad they are lifting for you. I know it won't be around forever. Simplifying helps a little, because I just can't keep running the "why's" through my head. it's simply over. I'll get my spunk back soon I hope:)
Wii, I guess wrong and right are the wrong words to use. I think this was just ended sadly. In the future I have learned to take it much slower and protect my heart more. It seriously like I was taking some great drug. Everything felt so good after being deprived I wanted more. I couldn't put the breaks on it.
When Ginger said it gets harder and harder each time, what came to mind with me was PTSD. Not that breakups are likely a true PTSD type thing but the compartments of that include the repeated exposure and in that case, things most certainly do get harder and harder each time because we are sensitized to it and our brain builds it up and up and up. We then relate the current pain to the original PTSD trigger and therefore confuse the two. So, 25years, you are correct in that the actual break up after only 3 months is not that big of a deal and prior to the PTSD triggers it would not be, but our brain confuses and melds the two to where the recent breakup FEELS like the original. The more it happens, the harder it gets each time.
I'm sure this is partly the reason I am how and who I am today. I know darn well that a breakup after three months would not be anything like my BD coming up on 12 years ago now - yet my brain would relate the two and at least the risk is there for me to go into a depression like happened back then.
Does any of this make sense?
well ^^^that $ucks...
what to DO to alleviate or treat this beforehand, if possible?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I would encourage you to look at how you throw your whole self into a relationship so readily (I know you see it as a virtue) because in my experience people who get everything handed to them on a platter don't value it much...they take it for granted. I think that's human nature. So moving slower might actually enhance the quality of your relationships. It's not about playing head games versus being real, it's about protecting yourself. Think about it.
I also wanted to react to this great comment as I totally agree. One thing I know I will TRY to remember if I even happen to land in an R again is not to take it for granted, how I would want to remember how rare it is to find the right person. On the other side, I have a couple women pursuing me right now. They are just not my type, plus one is married for crying out loud. But even the single one, I know I don't have to try at all and she will be there. It's not a turn-on by any means. I'm not saying I'd try an R with her if she were not as "easy" (not in a sexual way either) but there is certainly no chance as it is. It's like she doesn't even value herself enough, why would I? Guys and women as well, often want what they can't have and don't value anything they do. I still keep in touch with V from out of state and I would so totally value her. Part is because there is a chemistry and attraction there but the other is she has in no way just given herself to me. I'm willing to bet if she were like this other women, even with the attraction, I may not be interested - or as interested.
Is this game playing? Is this something wrong with me? Perhaps, but I more think. just like wii wrote, it's just human nature. It's in many ways the core of why DBing tends to work (when it does work). Going all in so fast doesn't only put your heart at risk, I really think it puts the R at risk. There really is a lot to be said about all of this. All are good reasons to alter course in the future.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
please don't assume I'm making light of your feelings. (I'm just afraid of having them.)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I want to commend you on the title of this thread. I, too, sing along to this song and very frequently refer to my au natural hair as my David Coverdale hair.
You've received great feedback from many. I'll sing a little bit of a different song and dance Tawny Kitean style on da car. I kid. I'm not a fan of the term "dodged a bullet" even though I use it. I think I don't like the term because to me it implies that the whole thing with a mistake. Or that nothing good could come of it if it continued on. I think you finally met someone that you really clicked with, hung out with, and just enjoyed being with several days a week. And it wasn't long distance! You got a taste of what it would be like to be in a semi regular (whatever that is) relationship with a fairly regular guy. You haven't had that in a while so hails to the yes you enjoyed it. And that's a good thing!!!
I understand the rejection thing. I see it very common amongst women in their mid-30s and up. The most innocuous thing can feel like rejection to someone who has been rattled at their core when it comes to relationships. And everyone here has. However, I think for some the feeling of rejection starts to build and add up versus subside. And it's extremely difficult to switch that gear.
While I cannot personally relate to jumping all in (that's just not me), you clearly see the good in people which is a necessity to survive. I understand your experiences have been frustrating, but you still proceed wholly. That's rare and shows your ability to be able to love or care deeply for someone again. Is is a bad feeling now? Yes, you are sad. Is it bad that you cared? Absolutely not! It's great that you have that ability.
You told him how you feel. I think that's awesome. Granted, you may not have gotten the response or reaction you wanted but you stated your feelings. You didn't look desperate or pathetic. You looked like a person who was hurt and cared. Is that bad? Nope.
Hang in there:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
You have summed my feelings up so well. It's exactly how I feel, right down to the "dodged a bullet" thing. But yeah, my first non-LD or tricky schedule relationship ever and I had someone regular in my life and it was great. And he put an effort in and seemed like he really cared. now it's gone.
The building rejection has broken me. I feel broken this time around. Hopeless. It's a culmination of many things. Any R or half-arsed R I have been in has ended with me being rejected and not enough. First guy, there was something "not perfect". Another guy was just a mistake. exNG was distance and unwillingness to give anything. Now this one, what I have to offer him is not enough. No one has ever not liked me or not cared for (with the exception of my exH, he didn't care about me) They have mostly said they have strong feelings for me (which I have hard time believing as most go onto someone new right away) but I somehow was never enough for their needs. When all the people you cared for in the past 9 years since your husband left you for another woman end up leaving you when things are about to get serious, it does damage and the damage gets worse every single time.
So 25, this is not common place. I have had serious bad luck with men. I just have. The whole R think I think is simply not meant for me.
I'll be honest. If it wasn't for the fact I have a child and responsibilities, I would be in my bed numbed on benzos. I feel that awful. This one broke me and I wasn't ready for it. But yes, I have a child, a job, school, and I have to go through the motions. But it's all I am doing. Hopefully that gets better. I just got another almost 100% in my class and I only have 3 left. I did my last 2 assignments crying my eyes out and I made it through. I do function. But I don't want to.
I thought about future relationships. I have decided no more relationships or attachment. No more giving myself to anyone. If anything, friend with benefits where I call the shots with no attachment and they know it.
I sometimes read people's posts and am just in awe of the people on this site. Everyone expresses themselves so eloquently and that is so very cool. Anyway, you have gotten some REALLY great advice/tips/suggestions/feedback from everyone else and I don't think I can really add to it, but I agree with everyone else before me.
I think you are human, G, and you are a very loving, caring person who feels things deeply so it stands to reason that you are taking this hard, but you are self-aware enough to know that you can't just lie down and let it beat you. You have responsibilities and you are facing them.
My heart still breaks for you, as the pain is so real and so deep, but I know there are brighter, sunnier days free of pain ahead. And, now, that White Snake song will forever be seared in my mind as G's song...I heard it last night and had that thought. LOL
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
"When all the people you cared for in the past 9 years since your husband left you for another woman end up leaving you when things are about to get serious, it does damage and the damage gets worse every single time. "
I know you're hurting right now and feeling defeated. It's never easy. But I see something that you might want to take a close look at in the future (not now). I'm a firm believer that things don't just keep happening to us! Are you seeking out these experiences/partners (not consciously, of course)? As one who works in the helping profession (and has messed up enough himself) I know that negative experiences don't just keep happening and we are not just helpless beings that fate acts upon! I look at my friends and sometimes want to scream "you're dating the same person over and over!"...and it never seems to end well for them. Look at the person who keeps ending up with an addictive or abusive partner...is it likely that it's a fluke that all their partners have the same issues? I think not. It's worth thinking about. I do think you made some positive strides this time but I know when I look back on my past experiences (as limited as they are) I now see that there were things I should have paid attention to (and DB friends warned me too...I remember KML telling me`once `when a woman tells you she can be mean, believe her!) and I dismissed them and ended up having the same experience. I try to do be more aware now and cut loose any contact who seems to be more of the same. For example, I made a wonderful contact recently with a lady who was into photography, sang on her church praise team, was funny, intelligent...but in chatting I found out that she left her nice government job a few months ago and was seeking a new direction. My brain screamed `she`s perfect, you can nurture and support her and she`ll need you!``I nicely moved on...and she understood! OK, enough babble lol. I believe that we repeat patterns and YOU are saying that there is a nine year pattern here. Think about it. I hope you feel better soon, you're on a rollercoaster right now... but remember, you are loved!
I saw my IC yesterday and absolutely bawled my eyes out and told her how much pain I am in. She was not surprised, she knew with this one it was going to happen. Of coursed she assured me this pain is temporary.
We talked a lot about his decision open and honestly. She said if he was sitting in front of his therapist and he expressed his desire for kids in his time frame and not sure about being a stepfather, his therapist would tell him to go for what he truly desires else he will regret it. I know this. I never want to be the source of anyone's regrets. or someone or a situation that is settled for.
Then we spoke about his parents. We are pretty sure they had a voice in this. I know Don had mentioned it, my friend has mentioned it and I believe it true. They don't know me from a hole a in the wall. They do know when their son was 26 he moved in with a 40 something year old and her kid, surely giving up any grandkids he might offer them due to her age. They watched their son not build a life of his own and give up a dream of a family. I could imagine watching him do that yet again made them say something. Now, as a parent, while I want my child to be happy in whatever she choses, I would not want my child to walk this path unless they were sure they didn't want kids and the such. He and his mom had a very deep talk he told me about a week and a half before we broke up. he didn't give me the details he said they had deep conversations. I could imagine I was included. He went from wanting me to meet them to not mentioning it or avoiding the topic at one point. And not at a time anything was changing in our R. I think they didn't have the best things to say about me and my situation.
What this boils down to is it is very unfortunate but could be no other way. it is painful, and she believes for the both of us, but it is what has to be done. She thinks he really tried to be ok with this situation because when he broke up with me he said "I have very strong feelings for you, which is why this decision is so hard to make" I don't think he is sitting there happy as a clam. I think he might be hurting over this too.
It is just an awfully uncontrollable sad situation. It's so hard because there is literally nothing I can do about it. I can't change anything about this situation.
We also discussed how this hurts even more in different ways than bomb drop. She knows I was not treated well at all by my ex. That was loss of my vows and my family. This was a loss of someone who was good to me, who respected me, I wasn't trying to get him to love me without reciprocation. He was the first guy who truly cared about me, about us. It's a hard loss after the sh!t I had gotten from men.
So Wii, that kind of answers your question. This guy was way different than all the others. Us as a couple was different than all the others. What could I change going forward? Maybe not choosing someone with so many obstacles. Not that I "chose" him. We chose eachother. He chose me, actually. But I need to stop moving forward with someone where we have such serious obstacles. It was usually distance. neither of us realized this time how big of a deal it was for both of us.
Last night I brought D9 and her BFF to a carnival. It was the one he wanted to bring me and D9 to. I was afraid he would be there but he wasn't. It was just me and them and I had pretty much no one to talk to and I am off social media, so no phone entertainment. So I people watched. I watched couples with babies. And as much as my desire was always there for another child, I realize my daughter is going into middle school. I just don't think I could do this 3 years from now. A year from now maybe, not 3 years from now. I also finally caught myself truly smiling watching D9 and her BFF having the time of their life on a ride. My heart got very warm. It's still in there. Her BFF also convinced her to get on a ride that is actually FF favorite ride as a kid but I told him D9 would never get on it. he said he would get her on it. Well, her BFF did and she loved it. I wanted to share it with him, it was painful that I couldn't, but it is what it is.
So at the conclusion of another long winded-journaled post, I am still sad, but the rejection portion has lessened. It's not a rejection of me. I do believe he is hurting and this wasn't easy. I really do hope one day we could be friends. He always said most people couldn't handle him, but I could and I got him. And it's true. It was a great friendship. I forgive him for not being more careful realizing he doesn't want to be a stepfather. We all try to talk ourselves into things just like I did. I'm glad he was honest with me eventually and honest with himself.
......by the way, I sit all day at a repetitive job in front of a computer where I don't deal with people. I have so much time to spend in my own head. it is awful. When I went through my divorce, I had 13 hour shifts busting my butt taking care of other people who are dying and having much interaction and no time to think of myself. Then I went home to a baby that dependent on me. I miss it! (someone should probably smack me for saying that)
