..goin' down the only road I've ever known

[Ginger1]

Thanks JOb,

I used to joke this song was my anthem. It kind of is. I belt it out whenever it comes on the radio.

And Thanks everyone. haven't filled up a thread in a week for years. It's been helpful, so thank you. Spinning here instead of too much too him is better. I think I thought I was so pathetic with him was because I put all my feelings here. I realize I haven't told the him the half of it.

It was fun while it lasted, nice having a partner for a while. Got a great vacation out of it, some really good dates, nice talks and laughs and someone to cuddle with for a while and sleep next to.

Simply time to just go back to my regularly scheduled program.

[DonH]

To be sure, your comments to FF yesterday were not keeping with DBing. But I don't think you really were in a DB place, nor needed to DB, so that's okay. I actually use DB for many things in life - more often than not they get used in non R situations. So it does apply, but just the same, you are not trying to get him back (Gawd I hope not anyhow) so you don't need to DB him.

"Do you see how he was trying to tell you who he was and you kept rationalizing it away? When they tell you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!!!!"

I could not agree more with KML if I tried. People will tell us who they are if we just listen to them! I am beyond great at this - unless it's a female I'm interested in, in which case I stink at it! LOL. They are all telling me who they are, but in business and friends with no R feelings I both see and use it. In R, I explain it away or "give the benefit of the doubt." I have no doubt there were all sorts of signs and all sorts of things that you otherwise would have saw as red flags but you didn't want to see them yet. You wanted it to all work out. Still not the time to really go into all of this, so just go back to healing with your list of bad things about FF to help! Sometime down the road you can circle back to this area of a work in progress.

Ginger, I'm not at all just saying this to try to make you feel better, but as these things (like self-proclaiming he drinks too much) keep dribbling out, I really think you may have dodged a bullet here. I really do. I think had he not gone away on his own, you would have figure them out in time, but not until after months and months of pain and such. I even think that in a few months you'll be saying how you really dodged a bullet with this guy. Perhaps since he's sort of still in your circle of people, you'll see that play out with a future partner of his. Let's see if I don't end up being correct about this!

[Sotto]

Gosh, just looking back at your previous thread and the void at the very centre of my heart comment. XH said such a similar thing to me in the months after BD - it stands out to me as the most impassioned thing he said to me - that he had a void at the very centre of his soul...

These two things alone - the alcohol use and this statement - really suggest he wasn't in such a great place. And I agree they were red flags..

I guess the thing to reflect on is why the red flags weren't waving at you? If he hadn't ended things, you may have carried on in a R with a guy who had some substantial issues...?

Worth looking at anyway - and I do agree with Don and with KML - you may just have had a lucky break here - I know it may not feel like it just now..

Anyway - enjoy your daughter, your home, your work and friends..there is always much in life for us to be grateful for..

Xx

[Ginger1]

Well, let me tell you, after every R, I hear on here "you dodged a bullet" So, apparently I am either jumping in front of them or they are aimed right at me.

As far as "red flags" My exH had a bunch of red flags I ignored. I was aware right as I was in it. exNG, definite flags.

This one, I swear no red flags. We can say his "bad" traits were red flags, but I don't think they could have predicted this. I think everyone has some less than desirable qualities. I sure do. Are they always red flags? maybe something to think about twice and analyze against the good. I asked myself throughout this R "is he treating you with respect?" Answer was always yes. he was considerate of me and my feelings, always asked how I was, never made me wonder, never made me think he was looking for another woman. Considered me in his actions. Looked to the future and stayed in the present.

I was encouraged to work through the whole parenting thing and no invite for easter instead of looking at them as red flags. When he makes the self-proclaimed alcoholic thing, I looked to see if he really was. He is not. The black hole in his chest where his heart should be? Always jokingly. He is a very soulful guy, actually, very passionate. passionate enough to drop his girlfriend because he wants the dream. he wants to succeed. His heart melts for his nephew, his anger goes nuts when he thinks about his soon to be ex BIL. Because he cares.

I certainly believe he is lost right now and doesn't know how to get where he wants. He wasn't in a good place for a few weeks. he admitted that and I believe him. But he told me his good place had nothing to do with me. He still swears everything was fine until he came to that realization in some 24 hour period. I guess it was the one thing he could control right now.

I stay in IC to make sure I am not making tons of mistakes in R's and that I am not repeating patterns. I was seriously blindsided by this one. I knew something was wrong. But I had no freaking clue it was what he said. I really thought it was all his work stress and it was something we were going to work through together.

Anyways. It's an another day. I'm just trying to make it through each one. But I am depressed. The last time I slept all the time was my senior year of high school and freshman year of college. It was when my dad left, and my mom went nuts. I was avoiding my pain by sleeping. My brain just shutdown and I would sleep all the time. I was highly functioning, going to school, making it to class, but I slept every chance I got. Now as a mom, I don't as much of a chance. My brain keeps saying go to sleep, but I am trying to combat it with exercise. I'm forcing myself to be social when I don't want to be. There is a lot around this breakup that is causing this and it's hard to explain.

Gym tonight, Dance for D9, grocery shopping and calling a friend.

Tomorrow night I am taking D9 and her BFF to a carnival.

exH is going away for the week as is the wifey, although to separate locations. I have the dog. Who was mine at one point. It's also me and D9 for 10 days straight.

Last night after dinner i took her to ride her bike and played with her scooter. She's doing really well and she did turn to me and say " Mom, I really wish FF was here to see this. he would be so proud"

I don't think he realized what he was doing. but he didn't become attached to my D. But my D became attached to him. My fault.

[Ginger1]

I do appreciate all the perspectives. I seriously don't think I did anything wrong or ignored anything this time. This was the last thing I expected. And you all know how honest I am with myself. I didn't ignore red flags. I analyzed the crap out of everything to make sure I wasn't. I give people the benefit of the doubt because we all have our shortcomings and demons. I watched them closely, to see how they affected us. And they didn't until the very end.

[JujuB]

Ginger,

The depression will slowly fade and you will climb out of it. Sometimes in these situations I think we just need time. I think we need to just sit with the grief and sadness.

(I've been the same way recently, but I can feel it lifting. )

It is sad that this relationship did not work, because you really liked him and wanted it to. But he simply didn't. And maybe that's all there is to process. Maybe simplifying will make it easier?

Eventually you will find someone that you want a long term relationship with and that feels the same way. Until then, just know how incredibly beautiful, smart, spunky, caring, and insightful you are.

[whatisis]

Once more G, it's not about being "right" or "wrong", it's about being wise. No one likes to be "wrong" so when you view things in that context it makes looking at things honestly that much more difficult. It's about learning and growing from your experiences. What went right in this relationship and how did you make that happen? What might you have done differently? I would encourage you to look at how you throw your whole self into a relationship so readily (I know you see it as a virtue) because in my experience people who get everything handed to them on a platter don't value it much...they take it for granted. I think that's human nature. So moving slower might actually enhance the quality of your relationships. It's not about playing head games versus being real, it's about protecting yourself. Think about it.

[25yearsmlc]

okay I have to ask...

I see that what most of us have been through/are going through, is by far the hardest thing we have endured...(and survived!)

While I admit there is a part of me thinks "wow, a new r ending must $uck more"-

another, much bigger part of me says "Big deal. I've been deeply horribly HURT...

And this...this new 'r' ending, is like an annoying bump, comparatively..."


Am I missing something here? Is it worse??

God...

[DonH]

Am I missing something here? Is it worse??

God...

When Ginger said it gets harder and harder each time, what came to mind with me was PTSD. Not that breakups are likely a true PTSD type thing but the compartments of that include the repeated exposure and in that case, things most certainly do get harder and harder each time because we are sensitized to it and our brain builds it up and up and up. We then relate the current pain to the original PTSD trigger and therefore confuse the two. So, 25years, you are correct in that the actual break up after only 3 months is not that big of a deal and prior to the PTSD triggers it would not be, but our brain confuses and melds the two to where the recent breakup FEELS like the original. The more it happens, the harder it gets each time.

I'm sure this is partly the reason I am how and who I am today. I know darn well that a breakup after three months would not be anything like my BD coming up on 12 years ago now - yet my brain would relate the two and at least the risk is there for me to go into a depression like happened back then.

Does any of this make sense?

[Ginger1]

I think Don explained that very well. It is a big PTSD thing for me. Repeated exposure to rejection brings back the feelings I had from my rejection and cheating in the failed M. It gets harder, not easier. My R before this one I realized only hit me really hard when I found out he was dating another woman like a day later. I mostly ended that one, said what I needed, he couldn't give it to me and it was a dealbreaker. I spun out due to PTSD.

Another element for me is spending majority of my adult life alone. Spending so many years without a partner, doing it myself while working full time, raising a baby, dealing with remarriage to OW .... the list goes on. I got a healthy place, tired of going at it alone and had some real needs that needed to be filled.

I am not going to lie. A part of this one is like taking heroin away from addict. The feeling of having a partner, someone coming "home" for dinner, having conversations all night, cuddling, affection, companionship, fun, time spent with D.... was a feeling most take for granted. To me, it was like the greatest drug in the world. Now that drug is gone. It causes physical pain to go back to where I was. I miss what we had so much. Something I haven't had most of my adult life. And our time spent together was great.

So yes, it is multi-dimensional. I sure thought I was hurt the worst I would ever be and now I am like stone and nothing could possibly hurt as much...... not true. The PTSD portion is very very much there.