So I'd love him back healthy and having dealt with his struggles with women (which came from his dysfunction mother, who seems to be a narcissist and made him into her emotional partner)
cadence, I would love to get your thoughts on this as one of my biggest issues in my M was that my W did this with my son, or at least I believed it to be so, and would love to understand it further. But to not take over your thread, discuss it on my thread. i'll put some information on my particular scenario in my sitch soon.
I started noticing it from little things, like when I wanted to go out to eat, I would ask her if she wanted to go to X restaurant, she would she doesn’t care, then ask S if he wanted to go and he would say no, she’d ask him where he wanted to go then say let’s go there. It wasn’t long before I started to realize that it wasn’t just every now and then, it was almost every time I would suggest going out, unless son did want to go there.
Then there were times we would be out doing things with family, and for whatever reason split up into different groups, and W would go wherever S went. There were times that I would tell her that I would like her to come with me and sometimes she would, but there would be attitude that came along too.
If out at a movie with W and S, she would generally sit in the middle and she would consistently lean towards him and make comments about the movie, and when I would make one to her she would just lean to son and say it to him.
I know these are little things, but I’m having a hard time explaining how/why I began to feel that my wife was more emotionally connected to my S than to me. There were several times that I sat her down and explained to her that I felt she was putting love for son ahead of me and that it was very frustrating to me… That I loved son too, but I didn’t think she should focus on him to the point it was to my detriment. And these conversations were during good times of our M, I didn’t feel neglected in our M as a whole, but I felt it when doing things with son (like his desires were more important than mine, or even hers).
Towards the end of our M (when things got complacent in M), I actually said to her that I guess I just have to wait until son goes away to college to get my W back, because by that time I just couldn’t compete with him for her attention… Nothing against my son, he wasn't competing with me, most of the time he wouldn’t even like all the attention she would give him, but I feel like she had used him as her emotional partner.
Is turning children into emotional partners a thing? Is there a name for it, or any resources that you would know of that I could read into it? I realize my examples are weak and not so unnormal, but I DO know that I felt like my W was emotionally attached to my S and not me.. and not sure if it's pertinent, but I strongly believe she's Narcissistic, she turns everything about her, even my sons diabetes.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Have you been on the anxiety meds long enough for that to possibly help turn that around?
No. Unfortunately the hair loss happens 3 months after extreme stress or grief. It takes three months because something happens to the subset of hairs that are in a particular growth phase. So it can be a one time thing and that's it - the hair is going to start falling out 3 months later. I've been through it a few times now (once due to H's leaving in 2014) so at least I know how it goes and what to expect. But I am really angry that it just started all getting back to its' normal thickness throughout the entire length from the last time in 2014. I may cut it into a long bob or something just to make it less stringy.
And the anxiety meds are occasional use only, so it unfortunately can't help me.
Quote:
Hopefully my GP won't be stingy. There's so much abuse these days, I know they have to be careful.
I get 10 at a time. S/he might be okay letting you try and that would last you through H's visit. You might not need them every day and I'd make sure to try one out before he's there to see how you react to them.
They definitely are not tranquilizers. They just make life easier to handle. Some people get a little sleepy on them, but I don't.
I had IC today. It was apparent that I've made a ton of progress in the past week. I'm really focused on me and am shifting my priorities to making my life the best it can be.
I have started my diet and I'm looking forward to slimming down and feeling better in my clothes and body. I want to feel good about how I look, especially if I start to put my feet in the dating pool in a few more months.
I've been bleaching my teeth at home. Funny how much of a difference that makes.
I told my IC my exercise goals and asked her to hold me accountable at our next appointment for them, as I try to start forming new habits. Ones that require me to get up extra early, and I am not a morning person, y'all.
I had a hair appointment today. I got some cut off, and will be going back in 4 weeks to get more cut off. I'm going to end up with a long wavy bob, which will hopefully hold up better as my hair continues to fall out over the coming months. I love my long hair, but I've been through this before and it takes forever to grow back in.
I am also changing my hair color color to be a little more low-maintenance and make it easier to be out in the sun without worrying about it fading. H really liked the color I had it. It was his favorite of all the colors. Well, I'm not keeping it the same color for him anymore because he left me! I also, for the first time in my life, have to think about grey roots. I'm thankful that my skin looks youthful for my age (if I do say so myself), but my hair is a different story!
For grad school, I'm entering a period where I have to be self-motivated, and so I am organizing a writing group with some classmates to keep us accountable and have deadlines. Motivation is very hard to find when your entire life got turned upside down and it was out of your control and you lost your home and (what was to be) your family.
For work, I'm finding I'm able to focus better lately. Our new hire is this very sweet genuine woman, and it feels like we're forming a good friendship. Hopefully it continues that way.
Now the yucky stuff:
It's been two weeks since I or my lawyer have heard anything from H or his lawyer. This is unusual. He is the one in a rush to get the house on the market this summer, not me.
My lawyer said he'd been thinking it over and thought I should just ask for H to pay me a sum up front (still TBD about what I think is fair - I can't seem to decide) and then wash my hands of it.
I can't help but feel H's silence is bait. I know him. He's wrestling with something, which may just be that reality of what he's doing to his financials is hitting him. Also probably the fact that he's lost the feeling that he's able to control me, and his ego likely has taken a hit that I'm not chasing him like he anticipated.
It's bait. He wants me to contact him and ask him what's going on. And this is so hard, because I know that at least a small part of it is him missing me.
I did a session of DB coaching and it was truly amazing. However, the action step coming out of it was that I'd ask H to meet to talk about the house and I'd sit there and have PMA and validate. And... I just can't push myself to do it.
I know H, and he is wrestling with family of origin issues about women that all got projected onto me. As such, he forgot that I'm awesome and have dignity and integrity, and he made all of his plans to sell the house out from under me based on an idea that I'd be his Plan B. Surely I'd be begging and in frequent contact. But that hasn't panned out because, well, I have self-esteem?
He seemed to confuse my stability and consistent love for him as my being pathetic. He thought that I thought I couldn't live without him. He was wrong.
Doing what the coach recommends to me makes me feel like he will have confirmed those things for himself. "Aha!" he'll say. "It took longer than I thought, but I knew she'd come around and chase me."
He is a major distancer. I used to - in my younger days - be a major pursuer, but in recent years I am able to control my actions and choices. Sometimes my emotions don't match up, but I figure as long as I'm working on that, I'll get there some day. And even though I wasn't a big pursuer (I gave him more space that he seemed to want), his ex-wife was. As I said before, she was harassing him on multiple fronts. She didn't stop. She even had their daughter harassing him on her behalf, which was extra painful for him. So I think that even though I wasn't the pursuer, pursuit was happening and my H had some sort of a breakdown and began hardcore distancing.
Meanwhile, I don't think any real change has taken place with him. I'm fairly certain he probably found another woman to date and distract him. I'm fairly certain that he had her over to the house, to feel like an extra "FU" to Cadence. He needs time to be alone and for a crisis state to arrive before he will ever consider that he is depressed and that his unhappiness is from inside of himself.
I also don't think I'd be doing it other than to try to get him back, or start the slow road, and I'm just not sure that's a good idea right now. Not for him, but for me. I cannot be happy with him until he addresses his issues, otherwise he just turns them on me.
I felt ashamed to admit that I'd talked to a DB coach and didn't follow the recommendation. So I held back that information. And maybe I'm not following it because I'm a big chicken or because I don't feel good about how I look right now.
Who knows? With that successfully confessed, I'm going to go grocery shopping. I'm going to a party at a coworker's house tomorrow evening and need to pick up some hostess gifts/munchies.
Hey girl, Just wanted you to know I saw my GP this morning and he wrote me a script for Xanax, 30 w/2 refills...... so he wasn't stingy at all. Also he said, Hey if your marriage doesn't work out, we'll find you a sugar Daddy and get you set up for life. After all the serious talking I've been doing and getting, it was nice for someone to actually JOKE about it. Then he just laughed and laughed at himself. He's a mess.
Also I took your advice and went back and read Train's whole thread. She is so inspiring. And also a great writer. I can see why she was wildly successful in her career pre-babies. Kudos to you, Train!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Yeah, I'm kind of just chillin', thinking it's all good. LOL. You don't want my GP. He is so so sweet, but been married 35 years. And still married. He did call out to me as I left the exam room though," hey, you may soon have freedom, and if I'm honest, I envy that." Kind of made me stop and think about freedom. Maybe not such a bad thing after all.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I had IC today. It was apparent that I've made a ton of progress in the past week. I'm really focused on me and am shifting my priorities to making my life the best it can be......
I loved this entire post of yours! You're putting the focus on YOU, you're working to spruce up your appearance and attitude, you're setting goals for yourself, you're leaving H to sort his stuff out on his own. Well done, you are doing great!
I loved this entire post of yours! You're putting the focus on YOU, you're working to spruce up your appearance and attitude, you're setting goals for yourself, you're leaving H to sort his stuff out on his own. Well done, you are doing great!
Thanks!
And now a low on the roller-coaster. I admit it, the lull in hearing from my lawyer who heard from his lawyer was allowing my hopes up. It had been two weeks. I thought that maybe he was stuck and struggling.
Nope. Just got a message from my lawyer stating that his lawyer has been nagging him all week. Apparently H likes his lawyers like he likes his ex-wives...
So, ouch. This is all still really happening.
I also accidentally found a video of H on my phone. I was flipping through and didn't see what it was. It was from September, with him sitting with my dog in his lap, tracing small circles on her head and my dog loving every minute of it and struggling to keep her eyes open.
That hurt. Where in the world did that peace and caring go?
I felt attracted to him seeing the video. I talked myself down and was better, but now the naggy lawyer thing means that he's not at all stuck and he's pushing forward.
