I agree with Leah, good thing you are mad. But, what are you mad about? This guy has already shown you that he is selfish and that your feelings do not matter to him right now. Sounds like the status quo to me.
Are you concerned that if you let go of the house that is it forever? Even these things that feel big and life changing are not irreversible. Read Thornton's stories at the end of 180's thread about the definitive steps his wife took.
No, it's not that. I'm just trying to figure out what is fair, while not being influenced by someone who was a total uncaring jerk to me.
To him, I have been unwavering in my love, and I feel that he is now trying to appeal to emotions has no business appealing to. Just yesterday I asked him for time (via email) and today he's calling my work line. So I feel like he is crossing boundaries (both in not allowing me time and in calling me at work) and isn't listening to me.
He ripped the rug out from under me. My home, my security, and the family that was to be mine: all gone in an instant per his hand. He didn't care what that did to me. (I don't want to give too many details away, but my career is very challenging and I'm in a full-time grad program and this semester was a bad one and ruined my 4.0 GPA.)
I'm going through a depressive period right now and I'm in no shape to be making decisions so this isn't helping. And that makes me mad.
Anyone could have seen this setting up from a mile away, but him. And now he's seemingly shocked and is looking to me to fix it for him at the expense to myself. That also makes me mad.
You are so smart to recognize that he is changing his tone in order to get a different response from you. He has noticed that his previous approach didn't work so it is time to do something different.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I have not responded to him, mainly out of avoidance and taking this day by day.
My mother just called me, because he called her this morning. He was trying to get her to join his side, and get her to talk some sense into me.
He was trying to find out where I was living. He tried to present all of this (breakup, house sale) as something he'd thought through, but the very fact that he's so out of control right now betrays his public relations effort.
I really don't know what to say or do. I think he's in crisis (I've suspected an MLC), but maybe that's where he needs to be. My mother described his voice as shaky at times.
In the meantime, I am angry and frustrated. I am typing out a response to him that I won't send, just to get my feelings out.
I'm having a hard time not feeling bad for him, but I guess I need to work on my detachment.
I haven't update in awhile. I just haven't felt up to it.
H has finally accepted that I wouldn't meet with him. He called me and I didn't respond. I fully believe that he made decisions to end things envisioning that we'd still have togetherness via conversations about the house, and I'd be a devoted back up plan for him. Because that's Cadence, reliable, steadfast in her love, and thus disposable.
He called my mother, and tried to find out where I am living. He wanted to know if I was back in my condo, which, hello, I've told him repeatedly I was getting an apartment. The man is so strange; I wonder if he believes I've moved out yet? The whole "believe nothing they say and half of what they do" for him seems to be "believe nothing she says and nothing she does". He's clearly still out of it.
He told my mother again that this ended because we grew apart. Oh, yes. No one's fault, really. How socially acceptable of him. And the growing apart really reflects that he doesn't know where I live and the amount of anger he was spewing in my direction. Also, a few months of mostly the silent treatment (his choice) does tend to create a distance, yes.
He told her that I must have been so "shocked" when he broke the news of us growing apart. LOL.
He was wondering why I wasn't responding to him and she reminded him that I have had a lawyer and that I probably don't have much trust in him any longer, so I probably would like negotiation to happen between lawyers. He said he was hoping we could avoid that because he was concerned about my finances. (... Um, yeah, he hasn't had any empathy toward me since January 22nd, when he got so angry and kicked down a door.)
He asked her how she felt about all of what had happened and she said "one word: sad."
I called a DB coach, and it was wonderful. The suggested action was to ask H to meet and listen and validate.
And I'm struggling. I would love to do that, but the reality is that H has some deep issues that are going to sabotage any relationship until he deals with them. So I'm not sure if it's healthy for me to do what the coach suggests.
I would love him back more than anything, but this being the second time, I see the futility. He'd just end up doing the same thing in 2019, since he seems to implode every 2 - 2.5 years. So I'd love him back healthy and having dealt with his struggles with women (which came from his dysfunction mother, who seems to be a narcissist and made him into her emotional partner), but I'm not sure he'd find the courage to approach those issues until he hit a crisis point. And I don't see how he'd get to one with me being back in touch...
I also feel like meeting with him would take away his fears that I'm gone and allow him reassurance that I'm willing to serve as plan B. Just because I'd be showing up and seeing him.
Just something I'm thinking about. I don't know. I'm very clearly avoiding it. I'd love any input from others.
I have a new IC and I had my second session with her. I'm still not sure if she's a match for me, but I'll give it some more sessions to see.
Last night, I was out with some friends and I made myself stay in the moment and enjoy it. And I did.
I faced a fear. A guy I haven't seen much since the stuff went down with H was there and he asked me about H and his kids. I had to tell him that I didn't know how they were because I'd moved out and we no longer spoke.
He was sad for me. He's a strange guy, and longs for commitment but throws it out when he has it. He's wanted a kid and a wife for years, and he made bad choices and recently rushed into it with another woman. Their baby is 6 months old. Their relationship is 6 months + 9 months + 1 month. They did not waste any time on babymaking!
He and I have always had some palpable chemistry, but when I was single I made a point to stay away because I knew if I fell for him he'd run like the wind. He hugged me goodbye and whispered in my ear that he was so sorry that "he missed the boat" with me.
...WTF? He's there with his wife and says that to me? I made the right choice in keeping my distance.
All the (straight and very committed/married to my female friends) men there last night all shook their heads and kept saying things like "&%$# that guy" and "he doesn't deserve you" and "he's going to wake up one day and realize how badly he messed up." They kept repeating it to me.
It's all sweet to hear. It's also bittersweet, because they're either wonderful guys already snapped up by my equally wonderful friends, or somewhat of a mess like the "missed the boat" guy.
If these guys can feel so much for me and see my worth, why can't I find that in a single healthy one? (I'm not actively looking now, it's just something I'm wondering about myself.)
Overall, I'm feeling good. I faced a milestone birthday. I was lonely on the actual day, though my dad came up over the weekend and took me to dinner. And I got some nice texts and emails but no friends offered to spend that evening with me. Oh well. I took it easy instead. I recognized that it hurt, especially considering the vacations H and I had taken for my birthday the past few years.
Now that the day itself is over, I feel a great sense of relief. I've started to thrive a bit. I'm not missing him much, lately. I think I've officially found myself again, and it feels wonderful. Now onto a better diet to lose those few "eating my feelings" pounds I gained! Maybe after that, I'll start thinking about dipping my toe into the dating pool.
I'm okay. Traveled home to family for father's day and had some long talks with my mother.
I learned that during H's call to my mother, he acted as if my moving out was his idea. Meaning he was just so great and mature that he could let me go and free me from the bills, because we "grew apart" and I was clearly "shocked" to hear that we'd "grown apart."
As if the "shock" and "growing apart" stuff wasn't annoying enough, I was so darn proud of myself for moving out. (In my situation it made sense. He went from a kind sweet guy to emotionally abusive. He had two kids, I had zero kids. I had to be the one to go. He was purposefully excluding me.) I told him that I had to go and I couldn't pay bills in two places, so he'd be on his own once I left. He hesitantly agreed.
His version of leaving me seemed to involve me staying and living with him and his kids while he excluded me and until the house sold, at which time he'd move out while experiencing minimal consequences. Yeah, no. The fantastical thinking of a childlike MLCer is the only thing I can think of as to why he thought I'd do that.
So I left, and I'm proud of myself, because I had to focus on me. I had work and grad school and it was just a really bad environment. And he is now presenting it as his choice, one born of maturity and enlightenment.
I'll remind anyone reading this that a week before BD he - out of the blue - told me that he not only loved me, but cherished me.
So, I don't know what to think. On one hand, I know he has to have publicly acceptable explanations, but I'm finding them hurtful. It feels like one more thing he's taking away.
It's been almost two weeks with no lawyer stuff. He has one too, now. I respond when I hear something about the house from my lawyer, but otherwise I just leave it. He wanted this, so he can drive.
Unfortunately, in these stretches, my mind wanders and it makes me have hope that maybe he's realizing he didn't make great decisions. Unfortunately, as soon as this really takes hold, I'll usually get a call from my lawyer!
So, hanging in there. My hair is falling out from stress. This is a side effect that I hate. I lose up to a third of it beginning about three months after the event that caused me sorrow and shock. And clumps are starting to fall out into my hands and it feels like another defeat.
On the GAL front, I'm starting my diet to lose a few pounds I've put on since leaving. I'm starting a new exercise program. I enjoy male attention, but limit it to husbands/boyfriends in my friend group. It's good for my ego to keep hearing "Darn it, Cadence. He's an idiot. He's going to wake up one day and realize he let something special go."
Also, a newly married guy friend heard my news and whispered in my ear that he was "so sorry to miss the boat" with me. Meaning dating me when I was single. His wife was two feet away. I had a different reaction, considering he is capable of such smarminess - thank goodness he missed the boat with me! He's not a good person.
I'm also refocusing on grad school. I'm starting a writing group with some of my classmates to try to get my research done and graduate on my timeline.
It's all about me me me. I'm going to up how attractive I feel - as much as I can with my hair falling out from the stress of heartbreak - and graduate, and be the best I can be. I miss him, but I feel like I've made strides toward detachment, and I can clearly see my life without him, so things feel a little easier.
Great job on everything, Cadence! I'm glad you checked back in, and also thank you for the long, insightful post on my thread. I still find it hard to believe you aren't a shrink. And a very good one, I might add. I'm so sorry about your hair loss. That really bites, at a time when you need to be feeling good vibes about yourself. Have you been on the anxiety meds long enough for that to possibly help turn that around? I took your advice and have a dr. app in the morning to see about some anxiety meds for myself. I think it will help me keep my edges a little smoother these next few weeks. Hopefully my GP won't be stingy. There's so much abuse these days, I know they have to be careful. I did to to a psychologist back in January because all I could do was cry, and was getting NO sleep. He put me on a tranquilizer that knocked me the cra$ out, but left me hung over when I could finally wake up. I still have 90% left in the bottle. Who can function like that? I need to be the Alive Living, not the Walking Dead. Leah, you are not a victim! Cadence, you are not a victim! Now both of you get that strong, confident, beautiful woman back up and kick some a$$.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
So I'd love him back healthy and having dealt with his struggles with women (which came from his dysfunction mother, who seems to be a narcissist and made him into her emotional partner)
cadence, I would love to get your thoughts on this as one of my biggest issues in my M was that my W did this with my son, or at least I believed it to be so, and would love to understand it further. But to not take over your thread, discuss it on my thread. i'll put some information on my particular scenario in my sitch soon.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
