It takes two to tango (Pt. 7)

[SBJ]

Gordie, my S19 lives with me full time and our youngest two split time between us...one week at a time. There aren't any sides, but they do know that this is something that mom wanted to do and that dad is against D. Obviously, I don't know what she tells them when they are with her, but I have to rely on my personal relationship with them to let them know how much I love them and will be there for them thru thick or thin.

I know that everyone has said that MLC is long, but this is getting really bumpy too. It's funny that in most marriage vows we say "for better or worse"...wow, if most people knew what that really means, would they truly say them?

I guess I am still having trouble detaching from her. My thoughts are...
If I drop the rope I am giving up on her.
I don't want my kids see me giving up on their mother.
I am trying to balance my thoughts on being abandoned by my W.

I'm cycling on all of my thoughts. I know I need to hit myself with a 2x4 and start living my life for me and my kids, but I am still in the missing her stage. Next week would have been 26 years together. I'm a sentimental fool I know.

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

I follow your thread along ... most times I think I restrain myself from posting just because I know where you are at in all this .. I was there too and speaking as the Ghost of Christmas future I know you have to hit the rocks sometimes to realize you are in the shallows .... no one can tell the captain how to navigate his own vessel so to speak.

MLCrs break ties with those who they fear would judge them for their newly validated (in their minds) actions. Your W seems to be pulling away not only from you but your SIL too. Mine did the same, to script in the order listed. Spouse first... relatives.. friends ... even the kids to a degree (I believe social stigma is the only reason some keep contact with kids but any LBS.Child of a MLCr will tell you its not the same).

Accept this ^^ its just the way they operate. You have no control over the relationship between your W and MIl, kids, MIL, FIL, the squirrel in the tree on 4th street. No control what-so-ever. In fact ... in the bigger picture the more you step away from this the better for you down the road. She will reconnect with the in-laws and it will be easier for her to do so with out any more individuals involved ... this is not your fight here, you have enough to deal with as it is.

As far as the rope, I could show you my hands and there would not be any finger prints left as the rope sanded them clean off. I would not say dropping the rope is giving up on her. I will say there is an important lesson about holding on and letting go .... MLC is surely a lesson about being dragged. Rather than holding onto the rope ... letting go of the rope ... try this. IGNORE the rope. That little sailboat without a sail is going to drift aimlessly for some time, sooner or later it will hit shore again. The real question is will you be a tired old man who has been wasting away waiting for his ship to return ... or will you have become a stronger man who simply can appreciate the arrival of the ship that came back?

Remember ... we all get 2 dates on our tombstone, the start date and the end date ... those numbers mean nothing, its the dash that counts ... make your dash count and worry about you and those kids for now ... let her drift for a bit, IGNORE the rope.

[peacetoday]

Hi

It is part of the grieving process
we let go a little then pull back
I think it takes usually about 2 years
You can continue practicing letting go
not easy to get from denial to acceptance and quite bumpy along the road

eventually we all get there- so maybe accept where you are

the ups and downs
wins and loses
all part of the same process
knowing you will get there
maybe to reconciliation or maybe complete acceptance
the
MLCers choices are out of our control

[SBJ]

Thank you Cali and peace...time does heal things, but it seems that sometimes things get drug back up that frustrates me and pulls me away from my peaceful feeling. I truly appreciate the advice and the guidance that you have shown me.

I have allowed my SIL to kind of pull me back in when I listen and validate her. My W has totally pulled away from me and so when the SIL talks about her, it kind of angers me two ways. One because she is talking negative about her and two because I cannot talk to or assist the W. This is her battle with the SIL and also a consequence of her actions in all of this. I have to at least let the rope out enough for them to handle it themselves. Or as Cali said...ignore the rope all together.

THX

7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all [a]comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Phillipians 4:7

[peacetoday]

maybe when you SIL talks negative about w
throw in a positive
I always find the person will stop talking when we switch it up to something like

Im sorry our struggling with W
I only want the best for W
gods got this
I trust all will work out for the highest good
I will pray for both of you

I would try to stay neutral but limit it if it affects you-

the negative person will usually have to stop
when we change the dynamics of the R

[roist]

Read "letter from a MLCer 2" thread. Gives another perspective on dropping that rope.

Best wishes

[SBJ]

Thanks roist...I do remember reading that a long while back, but it is funny how we forget thru all of this crazy.

Did dinner out with some friends of mine on Saturday night. It was actually nice to not talk about the W at all. The couple I had dinner with know everything about what is going on, so there was no need in saying anything. The quick dinner turned into 4+ hours and many drinks. Good night all in all.

Kind of a lonely Mother's Day. My mother was out of the state on a trip and all of my kids spent the day with the W. Although it was quiet, I was able to do alot of things that I needed to get done without any interruptions. Still have alot to do to get the yard and pool area totally ready for Summer, but I will be able to do some more a couple of nights this week.

I hope and pray that everyone has a great week.


Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you;
He will never allow the righteous to be shaken. - Psalm 55:22

[FightOn]

CaliGuy - Such insightful words and so well put. Thanks for taking the time to share these thoughts.

They really hit home for me today!

I wish I had something beautiful to add.

[Gordie]

SBJ,

I hope you are doing as well as possible. Gald that you had a nice night out with your friends. That is really a gift of love and friendship.

[SBJ]

JOURNALING:

Great weekend with the kids and the golf course. I did the usual house work, dinners, got to play golf with a good friend, and had the privilege to worship God with my amazing kids.

I was also able to read and keep up with many of my friends on this board. I hope and pray that all of you guys with prodigal spouses find peace in your storm.

WOW...just read up on and watched some info on "Intermittent Reinforcement vs Addiction". It was kind of eye-opening to me and kind of explained how I felt at times in my M. My W would occasionally use these tactics at times with physical affection.

It states that the person would hold out on the need or desire that their partner required as a form of control. Then they would grant the need to them at their convenience only. Even though the partner was not having all of their needs met all of the time, when it finally was met, they’d be put almost into a state of nirvana. The feeling was so good that they almost became addicted to the game, not the true feelings. They said that they are hooked on the "hope" that they will get what they desire, but instead are being starved to death emotionally.

I guess it opened my eyes to the fact that I was not getting what I needed, but was holding onto the hope that either things would get better or that she would change. I kept doing more and giving more, in the hopes that it would change what she did or felt. I guess that is kind of shallow, but it is what had happened.

Maybe it was part of my Mr. Nice Guy personality. I tried to give her gifts. I tried to go above and beyond what she asked of me. I tried to be Super Husband and Super Dad. Part of me thinks that I did all of that because I truly love my W, but part of me also realizes that it was a symptom. I was doing them in the hopes that I would receive what I needed and desired from her.

That realization makes me kind of sick. Both spouses should want to give and receive without question. There should be no score kept, nor should one use the needs of the other as a weapon against the other.

***I hope everyone has a great week and that all of your prayers are answered. God Bless!!!