You should definitely go with Sotto advice. It sounds as if she's trying to save face with her family. So I can only assume that they don't have a clue on what she's been up to. If she can't do any of those things in private with you, then pull away from her in public. As far you taking her back. This where I'm confused in regards tot he DR book. It speaks as if your supposed to just ignore the actions of the WS and give it time. Then your WS is supposed to come around. I been dealing with my sitch for 5 months now. And began the DB practices in March. Changes have been noticed. Not sure where we'll be at by 9 months. But I'm going to be patient for now.
Thanks sotto and tread. If you read my previous posts, you can see I'm somewhat babbling and duplicating questions. I've had too many stitches and broken bones to remember but I've never felt emotional pain until now. This is a whole new meaning of pain for me. She is the only woman I've ever loved and had a real relationship. She changed my life from being a selfish party animal to a descent man. But, after talking to her calmly for the first time since she left, I have emotionally abandoned her alot though the relationship. Never cheated, physically or verbally abused her, I just became kind of a empty shell. For a long period of time I didn't want to go anywhere or see any friends. So I know I pushed her away and took her for granted. I wasn't an angel in this process. That being said, I was immature coming into this relationship because I didn't know what I was doing. [censored] it takes a nuclear bomb to figure this out. I may have made her out to be the bad guy but she was a great wife until all this nonsense. She tried lifting me up when I was down but I ignored most of it. Thabk yall for listening, always been tough on outside, inside I'm just a kitten sometimes. Hard to admit that.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Hi Dale165 - just wanted to say you aren't going through this alone. My wife has completely rewritten history to a version she feels justifies her A. At first this hurt me terribly. It is only through IC and deep reflection that I've come to realize the things she says and accuses me of simply are not true. A lot of the pain comes from just hearing these things from someone you have put your deepest trust in.
As for the kissing etc, my W is the exact opposite. She tries to sit as far away from me whenever possible, avoids me, locks bathroom door in MBR. I guess this is all for the better. I'm not sure I could handle it if she were to be wanting to be affectionate and carrying on with OM.
Stay strong friend and keep detaching and doing things for yourself and your own healing.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
Don't feel so bad. I too have been guilty of neglect. Every MR probably goes through that as couples get comfortable and complacent. But sure most spouse would run off into the arms of other people. So don't put all the blame on yourself. Far too often in these cases the S being cheated on has no clue how the other WS feels. Some actual communication with myself and not other people certainly would helped in my own MR. But I won't dwell on that. Acknowledging your faults is the first step to improving yourself.
Anything you guys did in particular to help? I know GAL and such, but just one thing that really helped? I see we have pretty similar stories. I was GALing pretty good for several weeks and she noticed big time but my inconsistencies have brought this down to little or no pulse. When I see and talk to her, the cycle starts all over.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
In my case I've just come clean and admitted to my wife that I'm normal. I'm a human being and that I've made mistakes. Through my own IC I have tried to examine the M from her POV and also from things she has said to me directly are my shortcomings. I have written those down into a very, very short list of apologies. Its very simple. I plan on giving it to her sometime but I don't know when. I am NOT admitting my actions are responsible for her A or her behavior. I have no part in that. I am simply being humble and seeing my own shortcomings. This is part of my own healing as well. I've also told her that I have hope and I would like the opportunity to make our future together better but there's no way for that to ever happen while she's still in the A.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
Sounds like a good idea. I done a small version of that and her comeback was we are just not the same people and that she has never had a "great" time with me. Many good times, but never magic as she says. That hurt pretty bad, like the relationship was a lie. She also said she could never be herself with me. She was relatively simple with me. She liked her makeup and dresses and other feminine stuff. With the OM, its has been taken to a new level. Tanning, hair extensions, shoes, clothes, personal makeup sessions and all kinds of stuff.
This is going to sound superficial but I look 100 times better than the OM and probably make 3-5 times more than him. That's all I can go on at the moment, it sounds shallow but I cant think of anything else I have. My integrity is obviously way higher but she says he is so proud of her and way more fun than me. I'm 31 now, I was a party animal and acted too crazy at times to about age 25 but with her I went from wild to boring. Never got that nice balance. I guess that was a big problem as well.
We do have a huge shared interest in fitness and that's about it. OM is pretty overweight so maybe fitness can bring us back. I'm sorry if all that sounds superficial, but I really cant think of anything else. I thought we had many great times and trips, hard pill to swallow.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
She's in her fog. You have to detach and not go there. Its not good for you. Keep doing things for you.
I'm right along with you on a lot of this. My W and I are both 46 and her AP is 16 years older than her! In reality there is no contest here but again she's completely irrational and in a fog. I keep telling myself I can do so much better.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
I do want this marriage to work but its starting to get a little messy. My wife and I are standing in a mutual friend's wedding over the summer. My wife is now dropping out the wedding because she thinks she has a target on her back. I only told a few trustworthy friends about my dilemma. The engaged couple knows and the girl is really hurt because my wife wants to drop out. Somehow another friend found out and they are not so kind to my wife. They made a snippy comment online and unfriended her. Just little things like that.
Im almost done with DR book and will have to consult when home but have you betrayed guys and gals told many people? Its been 9 months for me and my friends aren't stupid so they been asking and I told a few.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
