Betrayed Spouse

[dale165]

Sorry about that Cadet, I never fully talked about this since she left in October. So many questions and it feels good to hear other people speak about it. I'm getting ahead of myself.

Most people I told said divorce her butt so its hard talking to outside people with no experience in this.

[MoveFrwd]

Most people I told said divorce her butt

Have you read Divorce Remedy?

[dale165]

I have not got a single crazy response here. Most are sound and logical. I tried a different board before I discovered this one and the answers were terrible.

So thank yall for that.

[dale165]

Kaizen, I got it Monday and Id say halfway through. I been working late catching up on the lost work. I found out in tax season, that's my money making season. Luckily my clients understood, didn't tell them the actual story but explained to some that I have an issue I'm trying to resolve.

[resolut]

Let the church know. OM won't seem so desirable with a lack of funds. Plus there has to be some consequence for his actions.

I completely disagree. It isnt your business and it will only drive the two of them together.

Let W and OM live their lives while you focus on yours. A day will come when they get what is coming, but you interfering wont get you any closer to your goals.

I have to agree with Kaizen here. In my situation the AP is in a very public position and I was advised by my A to do no such thing as to expose it. I was very tempted to do so early on. And if you think about it, what difference would it make if you do? Doing something like that is not going to cause your W to want to come back into the MR.

The "when they go low you go high" is excellent advice.

[dale165]

Thanks guys, just keep thinking why the heck they get to have fun and ride off in sunset while ruining a person. Seeing the OM get payback would only be instant gratification but do zero for my mental health and life.

[resolut]

Any man that would get involved with a married woman with kids is no kind of a man. That is what I tell myself over and over.

[dale165]

No kids on my end but I agree either way!

[dale165]

So saturday my wife calls me and we spoke on the phone for about an hour. She explains that she too has been researching and thinking about recon. She says that over our 7 years together that she can't think of one great or magic moment. She says she believes in fairy tales and that OM is just proud to be with her and I never was. There is nothing she can go back on and say hey this can work, she explained. In summary, she says that she has no more energy for this relationship and that she's done.

Is this starting to sound hopeless? Should I continue DB? Her saying there was nothing great in 7 years probably hurt worse just as bad as affair. Side note, she said all this after she found out my some more of my friends know, I was keeping this relatively secret. But after 9 months, it's hard to not keep it all in.

Following day we went to beach along with her family. Had a blast, didn't bring relationship up once. We held hands, kissed, laughed, played etc. This was planned a month in advance and I wanted to see some of her family. My family lives hours away so I basically connected with hers more than mine. Her dad says I'm too good for her. Just rough having to let them go as well.

[Sotto]

Hi Dale, I'm sorry for your current situation. And what your W said must have been hard to hear. It is common for WAS to say things like this and we call it 're-writing history.' It can help an unfaithful spouse feel more justified in their choices. And she may also want you to feel there is no hope. Or she may feel there is no hope just now. But things can and do change. They may or may not in your situation, but IMHO hope of reconciliation only fades if or when you decide to move on.

As for whether you should continue DBing. It is important to know that DBing has two facets - firstly it is a way of 'saving yourself' in extremely testing circumstances. Secondly, it is a strategy for trying to save your marriage. It is important not just to focus on the latter, because this will lead you to post things like - I have done X Y and Z and some time has passed, but she hasn't....

The thing is you have tons of control in this situation - non of that (unfortunately!!) control extends to what she does and decides. And if she chooses to believe her current infatuation with grotty OM is a fairytale and true happiness resides - well that's up to her and my guess is she may come down to earth with a bump at some point going forwards.

Something really important for you to think about are your own personal boundaries, and why you would choose to carry on kissing and holding hands 'as though' you are a couple when (in effect and sorry if this stings) she has told you the R is over and she is someone else's girlfriend.

Actually, I'm quite sure my XH would have continued some kind of R with me, whilst he continued his liaison with OW. The last time he saw me (2.5 years ago) he said he felt swept away with love for me and wanted to hold my hand. But, some time after that meeting, I found that he had secret plans to visit OW that weekend. In any case, I had told him there would be no prospect of any R with me whilst he chose to continue seeing a third party.

In one phone call, he started to moan to me that OW wasn't being nice to him. I stopped him right there and told him - I'm your wife and I really don't want hear your complaints about your girlfriend. It did stop him in his tracks and he never did that again. And actually we never did reconcile. But, you know what? From a self-respect POV I never regretted doing any of those things and looking after myself in that horrible situation. For my relationship with me is more important than any R with anyone else.

So, focus on the primary point of DBing - save yourself. Make some plans and leave her twisting in the wind with just OM for company and no reassurance that you may be her reliable back up plan. I promise you, that may get her attention far quicker than you waiting in the wings and willing to take her back no matter what. And if it doesn't get her attention - well, that's not really a problem, because you will have been making positive forward progress rebuilding your life after her infidelity in any case.

Good luck with everything