This is my very first post and was hoping to get some general advice. I'm a 31 year old man with a 29 year old wife. I admittedly have not been a good husband. Not bad, but not good. My wife's biggest complaints were that I was not affectionate, did not show her attention, poor communication etc. We have been together for seven years, married year and a half. Several years ago, I fell into somewhat of a depression, just not very happy with myself and the world, I just lost interest in everything including my wife. I've now grown out of it. In October 2016, I came home and my wife was gone. All her belongings, gone. I was crushed. Later that night, I received an email that she really loves me and wanted to give me a wake up call and that we need to date again. I tried my hardest to fix her concerns in the mean time. She began acting very weird and distant. We seen each other maybe once a week at that time. I stumbled across a facebook which had another man and her as his profile pic. Later discovered she moved out with him and she has been in a relationship with him, possible even before she moved out. My world seemed to end on that day. She blames me for her affair now and says that its my fault. She does not know if she loves him but does not know if she wants to be with me. We still talk everyday and she says her boyfriend is now getting angry with her. She lies to him when she comes to see me which starts fights between them but she says he treats her 100 times better than I ever had. She then tells me she cant be seen in public with me because the boyfriend may see her with me. Unfortunately, I still love her to death. She has so many qualities that are hard to duplicate. I feel like this is all my fault sometimes.
Any objective advice on how to go about this that's non divorce related? I do believe in exhausting my options to reconcile but I also lost my dignity in the process and don't want to lose myself along with the marriage.
She left October 2016, I discovered affair March 2017
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Any objective advice on how to go about this that's non divorce related? I do believe in exhausting my options to reconcile but I also lost my dignity in the process and don't want to lose myself along with the marriage.
Hello dale165,
I went ahead and moved your post to newcomers so that more people will see it and be supportive.
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. You have come to the right place when it comes to keeping your dignity, your identity and your marriage moving in a more positive direction.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
She lies to him when she comes to see me which starts fights between them but she says he treats her 100 times better than I ever had. She then tells me she cant be seen in public with me because the boyfriend may see her with me. Unfortunately, I still love her to death.
dale165,
So, your wife's boyfriend would get upset if he saw her in public with her husband. How do you feel about the boyfriend?
Id start here. How will you go about getting your dignity back?
Im damn sure it isnt by going out with someone that has a boyfriend. Stop letting her have her cake; if she wants to be with OM right now, then let her and stop 'hanging out' with her. Why do you want to be in a marriage that has 3 people?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks guys, I didn't see my post for a few days. I thought maybe it was a bad post but its here now.
Thank you for the comments and especially all the resources. Im in a extremely vulnerable position right now but I am pro marriage. She finally confessed the whole thing last night. This guy has always liked her and she knew this, since 2013. I knew this but just based on his appearance and his lifestyle, I didn't think anything of it. When we would have marriage problems, she would share our details with him. I did not know this, so that was a huge problem. She was seeing him a few months before she moved out and he helped her moved out. She lived alone until January, that's when he moved in. We still talk everyday which is crazy so I ended that last night. I told her she has a month to move back in. I know divorce wont help my pain at the moment so I just plan to repursue my faith and finally heal.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I've made a post recently about my story. I think the end is near but hoping to see if anyone had some success with the last resort techniques, I'm debating if I've had enough now to even try.
Short story is that wife left me for another man in october 2016. She said I didn't give her what she needed but still wanted to work things out. Come to find out several months later, she moved in with another man and has been seeing him 2 months prior to her leaving. She still says she loves me and can't choose, pretty obvious she chose him. She is the only real relationship I've ever had, about 7 years. I've had just a bunch of one nighters and week long girlfriends in the past but when I found her it was amazing, to this day it never even crossed my mind to betray her. With that being said I realize I also may be codependent because I believe I may never find this again. I've realized that love is awesome and those casual flings just brought my self esteem down.
Am I just being deliousanal? I think I am.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/16/1705:52 PM. Reason: Combine posts
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Don't blame yourself or let her blame you for the A. That was all her choosing. She could have done a number of other things to fix the M before that. So no matter how bad a H you may have been the A is not on you.
Are you supporting her in any way? If so stop that. Financially, emotionally, etc. If she is with an OM then you don't need to be a part of that. She chose him to take your place. Let him have it all.
A's typically don't last long. 4-6 months before the shiny newness wears off and all the warts start showing her that the OM isn't that special after all.
Work on improving yourself. Physically, mentally, emotionally. GAL is for you to be the guy only a fool would leave.
Always remember ACTIONS are strong WORDS are weak. Be a man of action. Don't tell her what you are going to do. Just do it. Especially don't tell her you are going to do something just to get a reaction. Super weak. You gave her a month. Have you decided what will happen in a month if she doesn't come back? It needs to be an action, not words. "if you don't come back in a month I'm going to ..." Weak. Just leave it at "If you don't move back in a month I will have decisions to make" Leave it vague and just act when the time comes.
If you aren't OK with her living with OM what have you done to express that? Just words or did you take an action. Like just stop doing something (texting, calls, money, help, etc).
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
When they can't choose, you choose for them. Don't be a doormat. Nobody respects a doormat and nobody can love someone they don't respect. Continue this weak approach to this and she's gone for good. You know who isn't being weak about this? The OM and that's why she's still living with him.
