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M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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Originally Posted By: 25
You say often that you "wish you knew" better, but when we say "watch out for your old ways" you act as if you are being attacked, and you shut down. IMO that has to change b/c my guess is, that it plays out in the marriage as "when Wsh does not get his way, he punishes/withholds."

Actually, I rarely asked my wife for anything, to the point that I would sometimes say something like, "it must be nice to not have someone constantly on you for things". Me not wanting things from her was a big part of the problem. She felt like I didn't need her much, yet she needed me a lot.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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I'm smiling reading about your past 3 weeks. It's obviously not perfect, but it seems like you have an opportunity. You seem to be doing a pretty good job of staying level through the push-pull. Keep the beginners mind for the advice you're getting, I think Brene Brown could be a good read for you.


Together 7 years
Married 3
Said she was taking long way home late January
Left to get some space 2/19/17
BD 3/1/17 ILYB
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Originally Posted By: 25
I'm also not clear from your earlier posts where you were being taken advantage of by your wife.

I wasn't, but I'm often not dealing with my wife, post-bomb-drop; I'm dealing with someone I don't know -- someone with a very cold heart. Sandi has attested to this a whole lot. When it is my wife, it's a beautiful thing. And that is what I crave. That is what I fight for.

Originally Posted By: 25
How or why is being "taken advantage of" such a huge fear in you?

How big a fear is it, compared to losing your w forever??

I just want to be attractive. That is my concern. The money is nothing to me. I was concerned that buying her the expensive pillows would look desperate and unattractive to her -- that it would not cultivate respect in her, for me. But I see where you all are coming from, and I appreciate and value your point of view.

Originally Posted By: 25
Otherwise she can check off the list -

"I tried again, b/c Wsh said he changed and my needs were a priority - (but his fears of 'being taken advantage of' ruled, again, & Wish was the same old..."

I try to avoid ever telling her that I've changed, unless asked, and then I try to not make unbelievable statements about my changes. Seeing my changes is what counts, not hearing about supposed changes.

Originally Posted By: 25
I just think she wants to be loved fully. She wants to trust that you will fully love her and not attach conditions to it.

So, what do you want to do?

I have believed this all along, during the breakup. I just hope that I can get her to trust that I will be the way she wants me to be. She dated me for 2.5 years before marrying me. Either I've done it right before, or she wants a different Wsh than she's had before, which is hopefully one that I am and can further become. I think it's a mix of the two: She wants the really loving Wsh that wasn't too comfortable in the relationship, and she wants a new Wsh that is more mature and stronger.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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Originally Posted By: giftd
I'm smiling reading about your past 3 weeks. It's obviously not perfect, but it seems like you have an opportunity. You seem to be doing a pretty good job of staying level through the push-pull. Keep the beginners mind for the advice you're getting, I think Brene Brown could be a good read for you.

Thanks for the support, giftd. Good point about keeping an open mind.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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I don't think she wants a man who is UNcomfortable in the relationship-

but she doesn't want a man who is complacent and takes her for granted,

Bottom line is -

She's testing the waters for a reconciliation. This is what you have wanted the whole time.

How are you going to handle it?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: 25
Brene Brown has written about shame and vulnerability and what she calls "wholehearted lives" and love. Learning to embrace our vulnerability and moving forward anyhow...

This makes me think of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. Great book.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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Finally cut my hair, LITB. No more pony tail.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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Quote:
Finally cut my hair, LITB. No more pony tail.


Yea! whistle


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
Finally cut my hair, LITB. No more pony tail.

Wsh,

That is awesome. How did making that change feel?

How's everything else going?


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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Well?????


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: LITB

Wsh,

That is awesome. How did making that change feel?

How's everything else going?

Well, I'm glad to have short (medium length) hair. It's not quite what I want, but I'll just go back to get the guy to finish it some time. It feels good, of course, to feel like I'm doing things to better myself.

As far as my situation goes, we're just taking it very slowly.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
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Hey Wsh,

How are you doing? Just wanted to check in on you. Hopefully things have continued in a positive direction.

Have a great weekend.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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Things have been improving. She probably won't move back in any time soon. But we are currently seeing each other most days and at least talking to each other on the days that we don't see each other. I finally got her to join me in my ballroom dancing classes last week. Tonight, we are going to talk about our goals over the next few months, and how to reach those goals (her idea to do this). We are both seeing an individual counselor, and she says she will be ready to start marriage counseling soon.

Thanks for checking in, LITB.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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Wish,

Realistically speaking, (as in, "healthily"), that^^^ is the best possible outcome for a chance at a better & lasting marriage.


Keep at it. It will always require attention, like any garden. Keep weeding,

and be sure to Enjoy the bountiful harvest.

smile


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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PS

To my knowledge, no one has ever reconciled "too slowly". Many have done so, too fast. Or too superficially.

In my case, we did not do the piecing enough. Looking back, I so wish my h had gotten the IC he needed to explore why he made the choices he made. What his underlying issues were/are. Because they are haunting him and our family, now.

Back then, H was selfish and at times quite deceitful. I didn't fully see all of that, b/c I could not believe it. I NOW see that he did not learn what I assumed he had from our sep.

If he had gotten IC then, he'd have either learned really valuable life changing lessons and we'd be celebrating our 36th anniversary, and hanging out with our grown children, watching our son's R develop into a marriage of his own, and see our d19 in college...

or I'd have ended things a decade earlier, in which case I'd probably be in a healthy R with a new man now. And my kids could see that instead of this ugly divorce.

(I'm "here now", and I'll be fine. )

Just urging you to use this ordeal as a tool for a whole new fuller, more deeply rewarding life.

Don't skim over the inward journey to rush back into your comfort zone.

Because we both know our comfort zones were not as safe as we hoped.

This really is an opportunity for you. You know what to do.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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You've given me some great things to think about, 25. I'm sorry you're dealing with what you are dealing with right now with your husband. Marriage is hard, and so is fixing a broken marriage, or deciding to end one.

My wife seems to only want to do 2 or 3 IC sessions. I'm concerned that isn't enough, but maybe MC can fulfill the rest of her IC needs.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
You've given me some great things to think about, 25. I'm sorry you're dealing with what you are dealing with right now with your husband. Marriage is hard, and so is fixing a broken marriage, or deciding to end one.

My wife seems to only want to do 2 or 3 IC sessions. I'm concerned that isn't enough, but maybe MC can fulfill the rest of her IC needs
.


Wsh,

no offense okay? But I meant that you would be getting the IC you need.

From your own description of your m, she was doing the heavy lifting for a long lonely time.

Now you are making the changes she was hoping & asking for, and my concern is, not all but mostly, that you won't keep at it.

She has her stuff and she can do that in her sandbox.

Make sense?

I appreciate your sympathy. It's never easy, though it's harder when there are children involved. My girls are especially hurt by h's actions as he seems to have cut them out of his life. They will not be the same women they would have been, though how that all pans out is out of my hands.

If I could go back in time it would not only be h I'd want IC for, but me as well. Lots of things and resentments I missed, or noticed but did not attach to me.

Keep at your own work b/c no matter what, you want to know you became the man you were meant to become. Not a guy tinkering indoors or living in fear of new people or surrendering to anxiety issues, or keeping the woman you love from living her life fully, as well.

You are already charting a new course for your life. Keep on it.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 355
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What you've said all makes sense. And I hope your husband comes back to planet Earth. It is a lot harder with children involved. I can imagine. If I ever have children with my wife, I'm going to need to try even harder to make sure this never happens again, because this all would have been so much harder to go through with kids involved. It was hard enough just losing her and her circle of people. And I hated the idea of my wife having kids and a life with another man, but I'm also not going to want some other man taking care of my children at all, much less more than me (unless of course something were to happen to me), especially if this other man contributed to our breakup. I can't​ imagine having kids and having A--hole living with my kids. So, it's going to be very important to me that I keep my wife's love meters on full, for both of our sakes​.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 355
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I don't know why when I use my phone to make posts on this site, that I sometimes get that random junk in the post, after I submit it.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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