You say often that you "wish you knew" better, but when we say "watch out for your old ways" you act as if you are being attacked, and you shut down. IMO that has to change b/c my guess is, that it plays out in the marriage as "when Wsh does not get his way, he punishes/withholds."
Actually, I rarely asked my wife for anything, to the point that I would sometimes say something like, "it must be nice to not have someone constantly on you for things". Me not wanting things from her was a big part of the problem. She felt like I didn't need her much, yet she needed me a lot.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I'm smiling reading about your past 3 weeks. It's obviously not perfect, but it seems like you have an opportunity. You seem to be doing a pretty good job of staying level through the push-pull. Keep the beginners mind for the advice you're getting, I think Brene Brown could be a good read for you.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
I'm also not clear from your earlier posts where you were being taken advantage of by your wife.
I wasn't, but I'm often not dealing with my wife, post-bomb-drop; I'm dealing with someone I don't know -- someone with a very cold heart. Sandi has attested to this a whole lot. When it is my wife, it's a beautiful thing. And that is what I crave. That is what I fight for.
Originally Posted By: 25
How or why is being "taken advantage of" such a huge fear in you?
How big a fear is it, compared to losing your w forever??
I just want to be attractive. That is my concern. The money is nothing to me. I was concerned that buying her the expensive pillows would look desperate and unattractive to her -- that it would not cultivate respect in her, for me. But I see where you all are coming from, and I appreciate and value your point of view.
Originally Posted By: 25
Otherwise she can check off the list -
"I tried again, b/c Wsh said he changed and my needs were a priority - (but his fears of 'being taken advantage of' ruled, again, & Wish was the same old..."
I try to avoid ever telling her that I've changed, unless asked, and then I try to not make unbelievable statements about my changes. Seeing my changes is what counts, not hearing about supposed changes.
Originally Posted By: 25
I just think she wants to be loved fully. She wants to trust that you will fully love her and not attach conditions to it.
So, what do you want to do?
I have believed this all along, during the breakup. I just hope that I can get her to trust that I will be the way she wants me to be. She dated me for 2.5 years before marrying me. Either I've done it right before, or she wants a different Wsh than she's had before, which is hopefully one that I am and can further become. I think it's a mix of the two: She wants the really loving Wsh that wasn't too comfortable in the relationship, and she wants a new Wsh that is more mature and stronger.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I'm smiling reading about your past 3 weeks. It's obviously not perfect, but it seems like you have an opportunity. You seem to be doing a pretty good job of staying level through the push-pull. Keep the beginners mind for the advice you're getting, I think Brene Brown could be a good read for you.
Thanks for the support, giftd. Good point about keeping an open mind.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I don't think she wants a man who is UNcomfortable in the relationship-
but she doesn't want a man who is complacent and takes her for granted,
Bottom line is -
She's testing the waters for a reconciliation. This is what you have wanted the whole time.
How are you going to handle it?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Brene Brown has written about shame and vulnerability and what she calls "wholehearted lives" and love. Learning to embrace our vulnerability and moving forward anyhow...
This makes me think of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. Great book.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
