Leaving it up to God (but still interfering!)

[Coly23]

Previous Thread:

Leaving it up to God (I think!)

Thanks Job, for linking my thread, you are the best!

Story so far - H has been gone a year this month. I decided to do a 180 (a suggested by DB coach last year but I was not ready to take that action) and sent him a text last week after six weeks of no contact and told him that I hoped he didn't think I was holding his things hostage in the house and that he can come and pick them up anytime he wanted. H responded that he did not think there was a hostage situation and asked if I wanted to go for coffee at the weekend.

My mind started working overtime wondering why he wanted to meet. I though it might be the big D, OW, sell the house etc, etc. Altair, said she didn't think he would talk about any of those things and she was right. Just general chit chat. I pushed at the end of coffee and mentioned about when he thought he would come over to get his stuff. He stammered and wasn't quite sure. Then I got a text last night that he would come over today and to leave a key. I panicked and became all needy and clingy and was about to send a very needy, clingy text this morning when OwnIt grabbed me by the shoulders and made me pull myself together!

When I got home from work I noticed he had taken all his suits because I said it was a shame that all his expensive suits are just sitting in a wardrobe. I noticed he did not take anything else but he tidied up his clothes that were in the baskets in the wardrobe and folded them away neatly.

I really do think he might have lost it! The only reason he has taken his suits is because I suggested it. I don't really understand! I told him he can keep the key for the time being and he thanked me. I would rather he just took his stuff without having to make a big deal of it each time.

I feel better about it than I thought I would. It's just fear of the unknown that makes me panic but at the end of the day it's just clothes. D was upset that I suggested he takes his suits but then she also thinks he has gone mad when she saw all the clothes he had left behind folded neatly!

What does this all mean? He is definitely still way down in the rabbit hole or is he? I have been reading Alisuddenly's thread from 2008 and for a year her H held her at arms length like my H is doing to me although her H did communicate with her a lot for a few months and it was looking positive. However the reason he was confused and indifferent towards her was because he was weighing up a potential OW and eventually he took the plunge. So all the time she thought he was moving towards her he was having an EA which then turned into an PA. All that time she couldn't understand why after 9 years she did not affect him at all. The reason why I am mentioning her sitch is because I still think H might have OP in the wings waiting and that is why I do not affect him when he sees me.

I know that I feel stronger today than I did yesterday but its such an uphill struggle. But I know all I can do is keep moving forward. I still love him with all my heart and miss him terribly but I know I will be okay. I also know and have to forgive myself that every now and again I will backslide but that is the only way I will learn.

Thanks for reading guys. I appreciate your patience with me!

Happy Tuesday everyone!!

[Cristy]

Story so far - H has been gone a year this month. I decided to do a 180 (a suggested by DB coach last year but I was not ready to take that action) and sent him a text last week after six weeks of no contact and told him that I hoped he didn't think I was holding his things hostage in the house and that he can come and pick them up anytime he wanted. H responded that he did not think there was a hostage situation and asked if I wanted to go for coffee at the weekend.
...
What does this all mean? He is definitely still way down in the rabbit hole or is he? ...

I know that I feel stronger today than I did yesterday but its such an uphill struggle. But I know all I can do is keep moving forward. I still love him with all my heart and miss him terribly but I know I will be okay. I also know and have to forgive myself that every now and again I will backslide but that is the only way I will learn.

Thanks for reading guys. I appreciate your patience with me!

Happy Tuesday everyone!!

Hello Coly23,

I'm glad you went with the 180 that your DB Coach suggested.

You are so smart to recognize that backsliding happens! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.

Please call me at 303-444-7004 when you would like to schedule another session with your Divorce Busting Telephone Coach.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[skm0619]

Coly.....it sounds like you did a great job with the meeting with H. I hope you feel good about how you handled the situation and yourself

I know that after I saw H after not seeing for an extended period, I had this moment when I started to feel better about our sitch. I had put this idea in my head that he was off having this great, carefree, fun filled life without me.....when in reality that was the farthest thing from the truth.

All we can do is continue to move forward...one day at a time, and not be so hard on ourselves. Easier said then do I have learned that we (the LBS) have definitely made more progress in things then our partners have. We are learning to deal with things, even though it has been very difficult, and they are stuck in this pattern and don't want to get out of it.

I remember telling my H, "one day when you finally decide to take a good long look at who you have become, and what you have done, you will definitely not like what you see." He is just now starting that process and is not liking what he is seeing at all.

Be proud of how you are handling yourself, and how you are taking care of you and your D.

[AndrewP]

Coly23 - sending you a big hug because I don't have a lot helpful to say other than "been there - seen that".

You may remember that my STBX left her stuff which I presume she knew I had packed up in boxes in the front porch for 8 months. Previously she had asked for one of her recipe books and mused about her winter coats. There's still some exercise equipment there and the neighbours and I have made some somewhat unkind jokes about her perhaps needing it because of the weight she's put back on.

I forget who said it but it was probably job - "don't try to understand crazy". Personally I think that there's a massive disconnect in their brains between fairy-tale princess (or prince) land that they live in at least part of the time and "realsville" where we live. I've also read here a bunch of times that they expect the world to stand still while they are off. In my case there was and presumably still is an active affair going on - although after this time I chose to just think of el douche as her new guy - and she still wouldn't remove her stuff. For you, I don't know - he's perhaps just lost in the fog but not looking for a way out of it.

I hope that helps you at least know that this is very much not unique to you. I remember Jack_3_Beans writing to me that he ended up dumping his W's stuff on her doorstep - and that she was much less than impressed.

I know that for a long time I held on to the crumbs of hope that with her stuff still in the house that she hadn't let go and was planning on coming back. Those crumbs all turned to dust a while ago. I don't know for sure why she did come for the stuff in March but at least I now have that rope dropped. I suspect that if you want his stuff gone you'll have to box it up which will be very painful and instruct him to get it before you donate it.

((Coly23))

[job]

Coly,
Many of them only take a few things and generally the items they take are things that we have mentioned to them. Their old lives are not currently on their radar, but when something is mentioned, it becomes something that is here and now.

When my xh left, he only took a uniform for one, some undies and one pair of jeans and shirt...that was it. All of his stuff was still in the house put away or hung up. He would venture back to the house periodically and the only way that I knew he was here is when the neighbor told me that he had come and stayed for over an hour. Nothing was ever out of place. I even stopped dusting to see if I could figure out what he was doing. The computer was pass word protected and the TV was on the channel I selected. The only thing I could figure out was that he was coming here to sleep. He always left before I arrived home.

As for his clothes, it took me several weeks to get him to finally come and get all of his clothes, etc. My mother packed him up (neatly) in black garbage bags and placed the stuff in the detached garage. It took him several trips, but he got it all and then claimed he was still missing personal stuff...not one bit...he had it all.

I will mention this because it has happened many times here...you need to take an inventory of your home to ensure that he's not taken something other than his clothes. They do tend to take things that you won't notice until you need them. The things they take do not make sense to us because they aren't thinking rationally and if they see something that strikes their fancy, they will take it.

So, the bottom line is this...you can't rationalize with irrational behavior. The best thing you can do is ensure that your personal papers are stored elsewhere since he still has a key. Password protect your computer, Ipad, etc. They love to snoop, but they don't want us doing it to them.

[OwnIt]

Coly, mine plays a game about wanting to come get the pressure washer and his Vitamix. Still here. He did take the camping stuff and his weight stuff I had dumped in the garage. I guess that is progress. Also, he takes movies sometimes and then brings them back. Guess he thinks that it is a lending library. Apparently this is common with breakups. Not just MLC. They want an excuse to come back. I don't know why mine uses it. He has finally figured out that all he has to say is that he wants to see the kids.

[Coly23]

Thanks SKM, AP (shout out for my DB buddy!), Job and OwnIt. You all seem to have similar experiences and advice! It's amazing how similar and different our sitches can be at the same time!

I know the leaving stuff behind can mean something and nothing and I know my H, he is quite lazy when it comes to doing something that involves a lot of work! I imagine when he comes to sort out his paperwork especially it will be like pulling teeth!!

So I reached out to H again today (sorry!) and asked if he wanted to come for lunch on Sunday. In a roundabout way I want to show him that I am okay with not doing the regular family time thing anymore but I am happy to invite him over once in a while. Also I want to prove to myself that I can say bye to him afterwards without it being too painful or wanting to make sure I have something else arranged with him before he leaves. This is how the text convo went (I was a bit surprised to say the least!):

Coly - Morning! Do you want to come for Sunday lunch? Xx

H ( 6 hours later) - Hiya! Sorry but I'm watching the football with *friend* on Sunday (last game for Spurs at their football ground). How about dinner on Monday? My shout. Xx

Coly - oh sorry I didn't realise! I'll let you know about Monday as D starts her exams next week. I'll still take her out Sunday anyway for a pre-exam lunch. Last meal of a condemned man type of thing!! Xx

H - That sounds good, I'll see if I can change plans for Sunday....no point going out during her exams. Xx

I am slightly shocked that firstly he told me exactly what he was doing as usually he would just say 'Sorry, I can't make it' with no detail and secondly he so easily changed his plans even though he made it sound important! Last game at their football ground etc... !!

Anyway D has been really grumpy because she is so stressed about her exams. She refused to eat her dinner tonight because in her words everything is just sh!t!! I am not looking forward to the next two months at all!! Wish me luck!!

Happy nearly weekend everyone!!

[skm0619]

Coly.....sounds like you are doing okay

I remember when I kicked my H out after BD. He only asked for a few things (some socks, shorts, tshirts...those type of things) and he left everything else. I literally had to bag things up and drop them off at the place he was staying at that time.

One day I got so tired of looking at his clothes hanging in our closet, and all the other reminders of him, that I bagged everything up that could be, threw away things he didn't even remember he had, and put it in the garage and called him and told him to come and get it or I would be donating it.

He finally came over to pick his stuff up, but didn't want to take everything. I told him, "no, you are taking all of it." I literally carried some things out to his truck, and he would bring some things back in because he "wasn't ready to take them yet." He actually said to me "I don't want to take all of this because then it makes all of this so final".....ya think?!?!? That statement came from the same man, who 2 days after BD was the one who told me he hadn't been in love with me for the last 3 years of our marriage, and wanted a D

I don't know if anyone can really explain why they do the things they do, or say the things they say

Remember, just keep focusing on you and your D

[OwnIt]

Coly, have you read the Hope06 posts. That woman was amazing. She was positively convinced her H was coming back and sure enough he did. He postivity, much like Alisuddenly's sheer determination, definitely give some insight into how to make a difference. However, Alisuddenly's H seemed to tell her when she came back that the various things she did really didn't matter. At the end of the day it came down to his love for her and her plucky spirit and that she was not mean to him. Even then when he knew it was the right thing to do, it took him many months to return.

I'm going to make a confession here, no doubt one I will regret. I fully believe that my H will try to come back at some point (I'm not predicting when). I am just not sure there will be an open door for him.

[Coly23]

Hey SKM, your H did sound confused especially saying he didn't want to take everything as it would be so final. If he wanted D why would that be an issue?!! I don't think your H wants to let go of you but his pride is getting in the way of taking any steps towards you. JMHO...

We haven't had an update from you recently SKM, how's it going anyway?

OwnIt. I think I understand what you are saying. There really isn't anything I do that will influence my H returning it's all down to him? However I guess DB is about not making it worse so in case there is a chance... I think I have read
Hope 06, but I've read so many I can't keep track!!!

I like your confession. Secretly I think your H will come back too. IMHO he seems a bit like a petulant child acting up to show you he doesn't care. But he does and the less attention you show him the less fuel he has for their fire..

Journaling. Feeling a little tearful today. It was D's last day at school before her exams so the end of an era. I bought her a card and a small bottle of bubbly to mark the occasion and left it in her room for when she got back from school. She said she cried when she read the card. I reminded her of when she started school at the age of four and one day she came home in her summer dress and when I was getting her ready for her bath I noticed she had a pair of pants on that I didn't remember buying for her. She confessed that she had forgotten to put any on when she got dressed that morning (even though I laid everything out for her) so when they all sat on the mat at school for 'golden time' it became very clear that she was going commando!! It still makes me laugh now!

So my tears are also because I miss having someone to share all this with. I don't know if H feels like he is missing out but he really isn't showing it. D made me take her out to dinner tonight which stopped me from moping at home. I also got to have a nice glass of wine....

Happy Friday everyone!

[Coly23]

Journaling - so had lunch with H today. It was really nice.

There were a few awkward silences but I remembered my 180 and didn't try and fill it with useless waffle! Also I tried not to take over the conversation and just let him and D talk but he did ask me lots of questions too. Also, I managed to not try to arrange another time to see him but I did get a kiss and a hug again both at the beginning and the end. I noticed he still always kisses me on the lips but everyone else, including D, on the cheek.

I texted him afterwards and thanked him for lunch as he paid and expected the usual, not giving you any hope type of response of 'Yep, it was nice'. Instead I got a 'Your welcome' and a smilie blushy face which is very different for him! I think he is starting to relax but I'm not sure how to be with him now. It seems to be so much easier with the spew and anger. At least I know where I am with that. Now it just seems as if we are friends and I'm feeling a little lost. I'm trying to convince myself that this is how you move forward with potentially a new relationship, building on the friendship. I'm scared of this new stage but I'm not entirely sure if it is the start of something or nothing.

I think the only way I will know is if he starts to contact me. I really need to back of and let him come to me but it us soooo hard! I hope I left him with some good feelings today.

Happy Sunday everyone!!!

[OwnIt]

Coly, this sounds so wonderful. I sense a truly wonderful love story here. It seems like when you are able to hold back and not overwhelm him that he is able to put himself out there more and more.

[Coly23]

Hey OwnIt, thanks so much for your encouraging words.

It has taken me such a long time to stop pushing him into doing what I want him to do and I've realised that it wasn't getting me anywhere. Getting to this stage wasn't a conscious decision, I think I am just ready.

Although at this stage I am not sure if there is any love story it is obviously better than it has been. He is thawing but it could just be that he is a nice guy, I don't know. I still had a little cry this afternoon because I had such a lovely time with him. It is so bittersweet....

[Sotto]

I'm glad you guys had a good meeting and I'm sure your H will reflect on that - even if he may not say anything? Good for you sitting back a little more and not suggesting another meet up and not jumping in and filling the gaps etc - that is growth I think..

From all that you post, I think your greatest challenge is to sit back and let him initiate more. To accept that he has some stuff going on and your R may be sporadic for now. Try not to see this as the potential 'start of something' - because that immediately sets you up for growing expectations...

I would say let him be for a couple of weeks now - and who knows he may get in touch and suggest doing something else. If not, you can see where you are at and maybe suggest another get together. But in the meantime, make some lovely plans just for you and enjoy what life has to offer.

Xx

[Coly23]

Het Sotto, great to hear from you.

You are right off course about my expectations. When I got back home I had to stop the urge to ask him if he wanted to do something this week and instead I just thanked him for a nice lunch. It was extremely hard though. I ended up painting my hall way to keep temptation at bay!

I think that's a really good idea to back off for a couple of weeks initially. At least doing it this way it doesn't mean I am going NC for an indefinite period which is always hard. I am so hoping that he will reflect on our lunch today in a positive way. We did have a couple laughs especially when I retold the story of D and some shoes she needed to take back to the shop. Although she hadn't worn them anywhere other than in front of the mirror in her bedroom when it came time to put them back in the carrier bag she could only find one shoe! We hunted high and low to no avail! We were in stitches!

So, I don't see many sitches where the WAS and LBS are on friendly terms so I don't know what the success rate would be for reconciliation but I am hoping that friendship is the first stage. But like I said before, this could be something and nothing but I am afraid that we will get stuck in this stage because this is all he wants.

I need to stop thinking of what might be and just live in the now, I need to keep reminding myself if that ...

[job]

Coly,
Friendship is the very first stage. Think back to when you met your h...you were friends first and then went on to something more involved.

I would suggest that you back off for a couple of weeks and allow him to contact you first. Do not be the first one to break that non-communication. You knows you so well and is counting on you to be the first one to do the contacting. Change it up a bit and do a 180 and wait it out. Trust me, he's not going anywhere.

Think of life this way...the past is history, the present is a gift of time and the future is a mystery and one that will unfold when it's ready.

[skm0619]

Coly.....sounds like you are in a good place right now. That is so great

I totally understand about the expectations and wanting to call or make contact. I remember thinking of things just so I could have a reason to contact H.

As hard as it is, we definitely need to pull back....I know I need to as well. A couple of weeks should be easy, right? Painting your hallway....that is definitely keeping yourself busy

I'm not sure about you, but after meeting with H I usually feel a bit better. I get myself so worked up before seeing him because I am thinking "what if I say the wrong thing" or "what if I respond in a way that upsets him" or "will this be the time he asks to come home." All that does is set me back, and I have come so far. So have you Coly, and you are doing great.

I like what Job said...."trust me, he's not going anywhere"

[Coly23]

Hey SKM, thanks for the visit!

I know I do need to pull back with the contact. I was doing so well and then I contacted him (ugh!). I just miss him so much. Not beng able to express your feelings to the person you love is so hard!

I know what you mean about how you spin before you see H and then it is okay. I get terribly nervous and then afterwards I get a real adrenaline crash like I am having today. Lots of memories of the things he said to me last year come bubbling to the surface. This then causes the doubts to creep in, anger, resentment, hurt, I feel like I'm going to cry at the drop of a hat!

Still on that roller coaster!

[skm0619]

Hey Coly.....just checking in to see how you are doing?

[Coly23]

Hey SKM, thanks for checking in.

I'm okay I guess, just feeling a bit sad and tearful today. This weekend will be a year since H left. It has gone so quickly and I feel like I have been through the worst year of my life. I see where you are with your H now and how long it has taken to get here and it scares me even if I ever get to the stage where he contacts me! I just want to go to sleep for the whole of the next year!

Journaling: I met for coffee with the wife if H's friend who I fell out with and haven't seen since last September. It went really well and my intention was to not bring H up at all and I wish I had communicated that to her before. I just thought if I didn't say anything then she wouldn't.

Anyway she told me he is moving out of his apartment and renting one with off road parking as the one he is in now doesn't have any. At first I was a bit shocked as we had only seen him a week ago and he said nothing and then I just felt sad because he is still out there wanting to live his life without us.

He also seemed to have indicated his preference for living somewhere with very low maintenance as he commented to our friends that they should think of getting an apartment to because then they wouldn't have to spend time working in the garden! With three kids that's not really an option! He seems to make these digs (no pun intended!) about gardens for some reason. When we looked at our property it was his choice. I wasn't keen at first because it was an older property that needed a lot of work but he was so excited because of the large garden! Fast forward to BD he says one of the reasons he was leaving me was because we had nothing in common because: I LIKED GARDENING AND HE DIDN'T!!! I had to like gardening because if I didn't do it no one else would. Considering we got a gardener to take the pressure of him having to mow it is just beggars belief!!

Anyway she said he only sees friends who he thinks will support him in his life choices. She said they hardly see him and when the do they have very little to talk about and if they mention me he totally clams up. Apparently he goes out drinking a lot even drinking with the 18 year old son of a friend when he comes hoping from uni. I think he is in total replay still. She said she asked him to umpire a kids hockey game for her once and he turned up very hungover consequently making some bad decisions.

One of the dilemas I have is that when I met him for coffee he also said he hardly sees our friends because they don't invite him round because they expect him to drop by whenever. My friend also said he said this to them when they questioned why they don't see him very much. He just said because they don't invite him. I think H doesn't like being the host or the initiator; he always wants to be invited and be the guest. He has always been lazy like this. All the dinner parties we had were at my suggestion he never initiated. He likes to be invited so he does not have to do any of the work before, during or after. When we first started dating it wasn't really like dating as I had my D so we only ever saw each other when she was with her dad as at first I didn't want him to be part of her life until I was sure about it all. So really he was on my timetable so he didn't actually ask me out on dates. Boy, I feel like I missed a huge trick there!

Do you think this is why he doesn't suggest anything but when I do he is straight over here? How do I handle this then?

Anyway. She kind of apologised to me for how she made me feel last year. She said she just couldn't handle seeing me going around in circles when she could see how much H was hurting me. I validated but said that people deal with things differently and that I had to come to any conclusions and decisions myself. She said said understood. She also said (and I had to really bite my lip to prevent myself from sobbing) that this split has left a huge hole in their lives and they are also grieving the loss. She said they miss us very much and they want us to be part of their lives again.

She told me she thought I looked great especially how slim I looked albeit a little to skinny (I lost a stone since BD and am now about 100lbs ) she even asked if we wanted to go on holiday with them which was lovely but we have already booked ours and the one she has booked is way over our budget! I really hope we can start to rebuild our friendship again. It's a start I guess...

In other news. D had her practice hair styling for her prom yesterday. She came home and tried on her dress to see the full effect and OMG, I nearly had to go find a red carpet and roll it out for her she looked soo glamorous!!!

I have nearly finished decorating the hall and I am very pleased with it. I really want some new internal doors and am considering asking H if he will go halves. What do you think. Good idea, bad idea?

Happy Sunday everyone!!

[HaWho]

Sorry you are going through a rough jag. We all understand those moments.

Regarding how your relationship with your h started and how that impacts things today, I think when a man is interested he will do the hard work. If he is not interested in doing the hard work, then good; you weeded that bad apple out.

In the beginning you set a boundary to protect your daughter and good on you for doing so! H respected that and worked around it because it was the reality if he wanted to be with you.

How that relates to now? Do you want a guy you have to lead to you with carrot and stick? Do you deserve a guy who realizes he is a complete fool to let you go?

Continue strengthening yourself for you and your d. Make yourself who you want to be for you. Don't sell yourself short for a man.

[Coly23]

Hi HaWho, thanks so much for your words of encouragement.

I agree to a certain extent that he should off course do all the hard work but my H really does need to be levered out of his comfort zone before he takes any action. Once he gets going he takes the reigns but he is not good at initiating.

I (very naughtly) carried out a little experiment on H last night. I dropped him a text and asked how his weekend was. He responded and we had a few texts back and forth. In the end I wished him a good week and signed off with 'hopefully catch up soon' (a throw away comment we use here in the UK. Doesn't always mean you have to arrange something). He responded by wishing me a good week too and then asked if we would like to go to lunch next Monday which is a holiday here in the UK.

I rest my case m'Lord.....

[skm0619]

Coly......thanks for posting on my sitch.

I'm sorry you are feeling sad . I totally understand about the "anniversary days" as this past Friday was my wedding anniversary.

I know that it is easy for us to think about these anniversary days, and it puts us back to a place where we never want to be. I understand that feeling of wanting to sleep for the whole next year. Coly, there were days where I wished I would fall asleep and never wake up. I hate to say it, but I had several of those moments in the past 18 months. And when you let those emotions take over it is very hard to feel like you are going to make it through the day.

BUT .... I have somehow gotten to a place where I don't feel that away anymore and I am very thankful for that. It doesn't mean that I don't still have days where I cry and wonder why did this have to happen to me. But, I find myself not letting those thoughts occupy my mind for too long. I know that you feel sad right now, and I totally understand. But, you will see that you are going to get to a better place....give yourself some time and be gentle with yourself.

I really feel that coming to these boards, and having the support from everyone here helped me tremendously. I got a few 2x4s that were much needed and I finally started to take a hard look at myself and see what I could do to make myself and my sitch better. I also started thinking that this really was not about me, it was about H. He was the one who made the choice to do what he did, not me. Even though his choices put us in this horrible situation, it was up to me to decide if I wanted to stay in that place or not.

I remember Skyhigh telling me that I needed to stop obsessing about him and that I needed to focus more on me. Let me tell you that was REALLY hard for me to do. Like you, I had friends who would tell me things H was doing. I would hear that he was not doing well, or that he was out with "so and so" or he went and did "such and such" and while I thought it was helpful for me to learn those things, really it made things worse, because then I started analyzing all that information to death She also said that I was grieving and that grieving takes time. But that I would get through it, and so will you Coly. It may not seem like it right now, but you will.

I'm sure D looked absolutely stunning when she was all "made up" for the prom. I remember going to my prom.....gosh that was SO LONG AGO

Be good to yourself Coly. You are doing great

Remember, one day at a time.......

[BluWave]

Coly,

I hope you know how much I like you (yes, I am warming you up for a giant 2*4). I hesitate to post sometimes because I see so much validating and encouraging on these threads and it doesn't feel good to be the person that comes around taking the wind out of peoples' sails (not just yours, but most of the ones I read). However, I am not a rainbow f@rter and I tend to be a straight shooter. (sorry, now that I am in Retrouvaille, I speak in metaphors, haha) I am not here to earn points from anyone, but I feel that I am here to give people advice on what will ultimately help them become a stronger (healthier and happier) person and therefore increase their chance of restoring their M. I think you can't have the latter without the former.

I see you still hanging on to his actions and words and not living a life without him. I don't see how this is helping you move forward. You appear stuck and to be waiting for him to change his mind. In your sitch, I have seen you appear stronger when you go dark and start imagining a life without him. You seem to struggle more when you have more contact with him. You continue to initiate contact and then keep waiting and hoping for him to come around. You are justifying that he is not coming around because it has never been in his nature to pursue. I don't agree with this and I think you are justifying his behavior. This is a part of you still holding on. ... My H has never initiated/pursued anything, but that is a temperament/personality and ultimately he is still able to navigate his way and get what he wants. I think that is true for most people.

I think that you holding on is keeping you held back. Do you really want to sleep through the next year? Because if you did, you would wake up exactly where you are now. He is gone. He has been gone for a year. He does not have any plans of coming back. I am sorry that hurts you. I truly am. when my H was gone one of my dear friends would tell me that he is gone, it's over, and he is never coming back. It hurt so much to hear and I thought at times she was being insensitive. Now, I can see that she was trying to help me move on because she saw me not letting go. I think she was right in her approach because her saying that helped me accept my current reality and start grieving.

I also have noticed that you said that your H left "us" referring to you and your D. She has become a source of support and like a friend in this and has even told you to let him go. Something doesn't read right about this to me. Yes, H made the choice to leave his M, but I am not sure it is fair to suggest that you and your D are one unit. I am also not sure it is healthy for her that she is trying to be your support. I know she is almost an adult, but she is still your child. Have you ever said to her "this is between me and your step-dad and not about you. I don't want you to have to worry about me, I will be fine."? I just don't want her to have to feel this responsibility for you. She loves you so much and this is a lot for a young woman to take on. When she wants to protect mom, she feels a need to be strong, and consequently she may not be as able to address her own emotions as well. I know first hand because I have had to be a caretaker for my mom when she has lost husbands and it's not the best mother-daughter dynamic to set up.

Look, I am not an expert. I only know about you what I have read from my screen. But I see you as this incredibly loving mother, kind and compassionate person, and this guy has just walked out on you. He still gets your friendship (which I don't think he deserves) and now you are waiting a year later for him to change his mind and come back. It doesn't look like that is happening, or not any time soon. I also have not seen many people on the boards nice or friend their way back into a M. What appears to work is when the LBS lets go, moves on, and starts creating a better life without them. Plus, I think you and D deserve that.

I am sorry if I am harsh and not giving you hope and high fives like everyone else. I am just telling you honestly what I see. I wish for you that you would let this guy and this semi friendship go and start moving on. It's okay to feel sad and grieve. It's very painful. But you also deserve to be happy and start enjoying life again. As for him, well I can't even see how he deserves your friendship right now. I think a strong Coly wouldn't want to even be friends with the guy you are describing.

(((Coly))) If you hate me and don't want me to post anymore, I will completely understand. I am truly sorry if that stung. This is honestly and truthfully what I see from over here.

Blu

[Coly23]

Hey SKM and Blu, thanks so much for posting.

You are both right off course, I need to stop obsessing. I'm trying so hard to get on with my life and to a certain extent I am because I am doing things for me and D without even considering H. For example we have booked our holiday for after her exams without even giving him a second thought. Also I am starting to reconnect with a lot of my friends who I avoided for a while because I was not in a good place to socialise. I am feeling a little bit better.

Blu, please don't ever feel like you will upset me. Off course your 2x4's sting a bit but I guess that is what they are meant to do . I just dont know how to let go without being a real b!tch and that is what I am trying hard to avoid. Once that happens then all hell will break loose and I will be on a train which will destroy any relationship that me and my H ever had or could have in the future. That is why I am holding back so much.

I take your point about D although I feel that without me he would never have known her so yes I feel like he has left her too. He watched me go through the end of a terrible divorce from my first H and watched both me and D suffer. He told her on our wedding day in front of friends and family that he would be the father to her that she never had so yes I feel he has left her too.

She is a typical 16 year old and is not bothered about seeing him although I have never stopped her. I suspect his reason for asking us out to lunch is because that is the only way he will get to see her at the moment so maybe I am enabling that. I also realise I lean on her too much but mostly now I cry in my bedroom or when she is not around.

The thing that stops me from letting go completely is because I know he is just not himself. He just didn't get fed up or angry and upped and left. He said a lot of worrying things like he doesn't feel like himself, something just clicked etc and I know for a fact that there is no OW. So I don't know where this leaves me.

I think I am rambling a bit because I am finding it hard to put into words how I am feeling. Sometimes I want to scream because I don't get to have the life I thought I would have. I think most of the time I just function on autopilot because if I stop I don't think I will be able to start moving again. It's all such a mess in my head! So many conflicting thoughts buzz in and out every second of the day I am surprised I actually get any work done! BUT, I am feeling and coping much better then I did 6 months ago .

I am sorry Blu, I know you are probably very frustrated with me and I am frustrated with me too! Do you think he is cake eating by wanting to meet us for lunch? Should I have said no? I just see this as a bit of progress because a few moths ago he would never have asked me to do anything with him. Im soooo confused !!!

[Ginger1]

I am going to have to agree with blu here. Some posters don't like me much because I come from back in the day where we didn't all validate and hug it out all the time. I come from a time on this board where tough love was given because it was what was going to make the difference. Let me tell you, I was a trainwreck. I won't get into the nitty gritty details, but I was anti-DB crazy. And I got HAMMERED with 2x4's. And boy and I thankful. Some of those who hammered me are close IRL friends now. I realize now they saved me. And my D.

I don't think he is cake eating by wanting to meet you for lunch. I think he is simply trying to keep things conflict avoidant and civil and he knows this is what you are seeking right now. You temp checked for it, and you got it. There is a chance he may be scared to just spend time with D alone for fear you will feel rejected and get upset.

You still have a little string attached. And you claim he is not being him. But how is keeping that little bit of attachement going to make him become him again?

Let him truly come to you. Stop temp checking him and baiting him into lunch invites. let him do them on his free will. It's hard as heck to do, but I know you can do it.

[Ginger1]

P.S- look at the title of your thread..... Stop interfering!

I have learned in these long 9 years of being dating after divorce..... I want to leave it up to God. I never want to bait anything into happening. I don't want to force anything. I want whatever guy who wants to be with me to come to me with a pure heart, unforced, unguilted.... I want him to be there because he absolutely wants to be.

[job]

Coly,

I agree 100% w/what Blu and Ginger have posted to you. Your h isn't going to miss you if you continue inviting him to things. He's not going to focus on himself and figure things out if you are there in his mind 24/7.

Also, you can't detach if you are temper checking all of the time. Detaching takes time...but I do have several questions for you.

What are you afraid of if you just let things go and flow naturally? Evidently holding on to the reins tightly isn't helping, so drop them and leave them on the ground.

How would you handle the situation if you were actually divorced or heavens forbid he was dead?

Coly, you can't control him, what he does or thinks. But how you react to him is within your control. The only person you can control is yourself and you have to find the strength within yourself to let him go completely. I truly believe you can do this if you make up your mind to do so. Focus on you and your daughter and just leave that man out there to find himself and miss you.

[Coly23]

Thanks for the feedback everyone! I guess I deserved all those 2x4s!

Hey Ginger, yes your right I am still interfering (sigh)! However, I have to disagree that H is afraid to spend time with D on her own in case it upsets me. I have encouraged her to meet him whenever he has asked and the reason why I started family night was because she said she felt awkward seeng him on her own. Mainly she said it was because he has changed so much and she has very little to talk to him about. Also she said she was finding it difficult to fit him in to her social life (!) and started to resent having to give up seeing her friends at the weekend. I even suggested that if he asked her to go away with him in the summer with our friends and their kids I would be happy for that to happen but she said she didn't want to go anywhere without me as I am her real family and she didn't want to enable his choices.

She clings more to me because her real Dad hasn't contacted her since she was 7 years old. I have over the years encouraged her to try and reach out to her Dad but H always said it was a bad idea so I didn't pursue it to keep the status quo. My D is quite headstrong and if she wanted to see either her own Dad or H she would do so. I'm afraid it really is his loss and he knows it THAT is why he is initiating lunches. BUT, I am mind reading as I really don't know the real reason.

Another thing with H is that if he didn't want to go to lunch he wouldn't have asked. He has a choice. He can contact D directly so he wouldn't even know if I felt rejected if he only asked her to lunch as I wouldn't tell him and neither would D. HE would be mind raring in that case! He really isn't a shy little wallflower who feels bullied and scared by my reactions. He was not scared of making me feel rejected when he told me he didn't love me blah, blah, blah at BD.

I am still afraid Job, not of being alone but I'm scared that I will completely lose the love for my H. I can't imagine not ever loving him.

However I take on board everyone's comments. I know I need to detach more but I have read on some old threads that making contact every now and again isn't a bad thing. HappyAgain said it actually helped when his W invited him to dinner every now and again and he was a really angry WAS!

Anyway, I am just going to collect up all the bits of timber and see if I can build myself a box to put my phone in to so when I feel the need I can lock it away in there!!

Happy Tuesday everyone!

[OwnIt]

Coly,

I think that the problem is that you are actually delaying anything he might do of his own accord. If he sits around thinking he just needs to wait for you, then I don't think you are going to hear from him. He will just take the easy way out and wait for you to contact him.

Mine is cold and PA so quite different from yours. I have made him be the one to contact most of the time. However, when I see that it has been a long time since he has seen the kids and I see him spinning in some way, I generally reach out to him and ask him if he wants to see them. Now I wish I hadn't done it. I think those are the times that he might actually make some of his own progress. When he whined a few weeks ago about me never telling him anything that is going on, I reminded him that he chose to leave and has been cruel to me, leaving me no incentive to want to contact him. I told him if he wanted to know something, he need only ask me, but that I was no longer spoonfeeding him.

[Sotto]

I think the way to think about this is - am I trying to control this situation with my behaviour? Any time you find yourself thinking - will this help him move forward - do X - do Y etc...step right back!!

That's all just trying to manipulate the situation to try and achieve the outcome we want - him turning back to you and the marriage...

Actually, the thing to do is just let go and let him be. I think you are setting off on the loop you were on before, where you saw more of him and were unsettled. Found it hard to stem the pursuit..

That's JMHO of course - but this may be such a long haul, I would encourage you to let go and live your life. Truly, if he chooses to turn back, he'll let you know. And I don't believe there is much you can do to control the situation other than live your life in the way you want to live. Looking back now, I am happy that I was reasonably kind and graceful, that I stood firm on finances and stood up for my own interests..the rest doesn't seem to matter much now.

Xx

[Coly23]

Hey Sotto I know you are all right but I just can't stop myself!

I guess my friend telling me he is moving unconsciously set me off in a bit of a tailspin so I felt the need to reach out to him. Weirdly in my mind I was wanting him to know that his moving doesn't bother me but actually he doesn't know I know so it makes no difference! The only thing is that I really wasnt expecting him to suggest lunch. Anyway, we will see how it goes on Monday...

Journaling: I've got a very busy weekends of GAL'ng coming up! Saturday I am meeting a friend for breakfast and then on to my Mum's in the afternoon for her birthday BBQ. Then on Sunday the friend I met for coffee, we can call her A, has invited us over for another BBQ and on Monday which is a holiday here it's lunch with H. I think I'm going to be as big as a house by Sunday after all this eating!!

Happy Wednesday everyone!

[job]

Coly,

When you say that you can't stop yourself, you remind me of someone who is "addicted" to your h. The only way to kick the "addiction" is to either go cold turkey or in the cases of alcohol or drugs, seek professional help...but the addict has to be ready to do the hard work.

Coly, just like an addict, until you are ready to actually do the necessary work to detach and drop the rope, you will continue to spin and spin. You are the only person who can help you. You are the only one that can control what you do. We can sit here all day and point out what you need to do, but until you are ready to actually do something different, i.e., detach and drop that rope, nothing will change.

[Coly23]

Thanks Job, I understand what you are saying. I think what is driving me is the fear of being divorced again. I really don't want that to happen and it scares me. I feel I will be considered a pariah in society if I am divorced twice. I feel like I just want to hide away in a cave on a desert island so I don't have explain anything to anyone. It makes me so sad that my life has turned out like this ...

[OwnIt]

Coly, how many people realistically need to know how many times you have been married? Probably just someone you were very serious about in the future. You can't control what others think. You know that you have given this the best you have. If it leads to divorce, that is ok because you only control your part of it. Remember, the statists put it at over half of people anyway. All that matters is what you think and believe about yourself. You are clearly a smart and kind person and if the rest of your life isn't going to be with this guy, there will doubtless be somebody else for you.

This fear of divorce could be what is holding you back. I had my head wrapped around that number. 25 years. I must stop this so it doesn't end there. Now I really don't care. I have done what I can do. I can hold my head high to myself and my children.

I've read so many stories here about people who come back after divorce. Don't let divorce be the thing that stops you from moving forward. It is just a piece of paper and a tax status. The emotional part is clearly not over for you guys. Just live your life in peace and joy.

[skm0619]

Coly.....I haven't been on here lately cause I've been busy with work, getting things wrapped up with selling the house and packing, and of course trying to figure out how to handle the new things that have come up with H. I have been thinking about you, hope you are well.

[Coly23]

Hey SKM, thanks for checking in and shaking me out of my lethargy!

Packing a house to move has got to be one of the worst things to do however it's also an opportunity to de-clutter and that's a good thing! Please update your thread when you have a moment it would be good to catch up on the 'new things' that have come up in your sitch....

Nothing much happening with me. After H asked us to go lunch with him on the holiday Monday he didn't contact me for the whole week before until the Monday morning when he asked if we were still okay to go to lunch. Old Coly would need to have everything planned at least two days before and would have contacted him to find out what the plan is. However I didn't say a word and to be honest if he didn't follow through it really wouldn't have bothered me. We had plenty of other things we could have done.

Anyway, lunch was nice and he paid again. He came back to the house and watched a film with us and tried some of the energy balls myself and D have been making to stop us from eating naughty things. They are delicious but they still don't stop us from snacking!!

I've had a really busy week at work and it's about to get busier next week so bracing myself! Myself and D went shopping yesterday and had a really lovely late lunch. We had a bit of a chat about her getting a job between finishing school and starting college as she is really feeling the change in our financial circumstances now. I do give her £50 a month but she usually spends that in the first hour after it hits her bank account!

H used to give her £50 a month too but I stopped him from giving her any money because I didn't want his financial help with bringing up my daughter. Anyway, I realise now that the only person I am hurting is D because of my stupid stubborn pride and my need to show H that I don't need him. So I texted him this morning and said that it would be great if he could restart her monthly pocket money to supplement her when she gets a job and also I would appreciate it if he could increase the money he gives me for bills although he is still getting off lightly!!

Anyway he texted back and said he is happy to do both and and asked if I was free for coffee/lunch next weekend. The only thing I am struggling with is that he said 'maybe we could grab coffee or lunch next weekend if you are free'. So does that mean just me or D as well? Should I ask? Anyway, I'm not going to chase him. I'll wait for him to remind me and if he is really lucky I might suggest doing a small BBQ at home.

If he doesn't then no skin off my nose! I've always got so much to do at the weekends these days anyway!

Happy Sunday everyone!!

[OC_Hope]

Hi Coly –
I've been reading here for a year and this is my first reply. I saw you just had one year apart from your husband... On May 22nd of last year, my wife dropped the bomb by showing up in Vegas sans wedding ring.

She went straight to divorce, getting her own place and leaving all of her highly personal items at home. She's always kept everything that's ever been sentimental to her - letters, cards, baby clothes & toys from her childhood and our three kids. She left them all behind - and she has trouble recalling memories about the kid's childhood now.

Last Sept she left the kids and I for two months, and only returned after a scary car accident that she still can't seem to tell a straight story about. Since then she's gradually tried to reacquaint herself with the kids and mend the broken relationship. The Teenagers are still leery of her efforts but while inconsistent, she's trying really hard.

Just recently I decided it would be financially necessary for me to give up my apartment and move in with my brother for a few months and squirrel away some money to pay down debt from the divorce (She signed away physical custody of three kids in January so I'm free to go). The original plan was we'd come back for the following school year so eldest daughter could finish last year in high school.

About a month ago she started to show signs of wanting to come back to the family. She indicated she wanted to move with us, but to actually stay there and start all over instead of coming back. I welcomed the idea and started to make plans only to frighten her off as I became impatient she would not break up with her boyfriend and spend time with the kids and I.

Now she's run back to her boyfriend and wants to keep this other life more than starting a new one with us.

I feel like all of my patience and kindness just vaporized as I became jealous and pushy as frustration took over. Now she's scheduled to see a lawyer and I fear she's going to try to take me to court to prevent the kids and me from leaving.

I don't know what to do now. I've already broken my lease and my worry is if I leave she's going to get even more embedded with the OM. She's destroyed all of her relationships with family and friends. I know she's lonely and this new guy is all she has left if the kids and I leave.

Anyway, I'm venting. I'm scared and angry with myself for getting excited too quickly.

My gut says I should just go to 180 and do absolutely nothing, go to brother's place as planned, and let her do whatever she's going to do – But I'm open to suggestion.

[job]

OC_Hope,

I'm sorry you are here, but this is a really good place to come to when you need someone to listen and support you. So, with that in mind, why not create a thread and allow us to be there for you? Creating your own thread will allow others to post to you and get to know you, as well as offer advice, support and yes, those 2 X 4's when they are needed.

I look forward to reading a thread created by you.

[roist]

Colt, I don't see it as chasing if you contact to clarify an offer he has made. That being said maybe the best DB approach would be to see what suits you (& D) and let that decide things. If ye both are available and willing, let H know it will be the two of you joining him.

I like that you have gotten to a place where meeting him is not the most important and unmissable event that could happen. That is great. Taking H off center stage will remove unseen pressure from the situation. Continue as you are . Let him h lead but don't just follow his lead. As I said before, don't always be available. But there is more to it. Let him initiate and take care of most details but have an input from time to time. This can range from subltyhinting a restaurant you may like to try to deciding outright where you want to meet.

Glad you have snapped out of being lethargic. Keep moving

Best wishes

[Cristy]

My gut says I should just go to 180 and do absolutely nothing, go to brother's place as planned, and let her do whatever she's going to do – But I'm open to suggestion.

Hello OC_Hope,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Job is right. It would be best for you to start your on thread in the newcomers section. Your post will be more visible and more people will have the opportunity to be supportive.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[skm0619]

Hey Coly......

Haven't heard from you in a bit, how are things? I hope you and your daughter are doing well and enjoying life these days

Catch us up on life when you get a chance.

[Coly23]

Hi All, sorry for being MIA for most of June. I have been reading along but haven't really had any enthusiasm for posting. I thought maybe it was time for a little update.

Roist thanks so much for your visit. I didn't remind H in the end and neither did he say anything so i just left it.

Update: Before Father's Day I asked D if she wanted to see H and she declined. She said she hated everything about Father's Day . So I arranged for us to have a little weekend away in a city up North. I booked a little hotel and we planned to go up on Saturday and then do a bit of shopping on Sunday. Still nothing from H asking to see her until the Thursday before when she texted him about something unrelated and on the back of that text he asked if we were available to go to brunch on Fathers Day. I went back to him and let him know that we weren't available.

Following that still no contact from H. During this time D was still doing exams and there was lots of prom preparation. D's prom was last Friday and she had a pre-prom get together planned at a friend's house and parent's were also invited. At first she really wanted to invite H and then she didn't and changed her mind several times over. I really didn't want him to come so I made a deal to say that if he contacts us and asks then we should include him but he didn't. In the end I swallowed my pride and texted him and asked him if he wanted to come and he thanked me and said he did. I told him he could either meet us at home or at D's friend's house and he asked if he could meet at home.

D looked absolutely stunning for her prom ! She looked like she should be walking down the red carpet at a star studded event! H turned up and took a few photos and then followed us to the friend's house. I don't know what he must have thought but all the parents came up to me and hugged me and were so lovely and excited. H just stood in a corner of the garden with no on to talk to as during this last year I have got to know most of them.

Funnily enough he eventually got to talk to my BIL who came over to pick up D and two friends in his Ferrari! My BIL was really nice to H! I then arranged to pick my parents up from my house and follow the Ferrari down to the venue but I didn't tell my parents that H would be there also until we were near the venue because I didn't want to worry them.

When we got there and they saw H they gave him a big hug and said they were so pleased to see him. I am really proud of my parents and I told them so. They could have reacted angrily at him but they didn't.

We had a great time watching all the other kids arriving in their whacky or flashy modes of transport all dressed up to the nines! H eventually left as he had already arranged to go out that night. Then I spent the rest of the weekend feeling very tearful. I miss him so much still. When we were at the prom venue my Mum said it was like we were still together. She said no one would think there was anything wrong if they didn't know us.

On Saturday I had to get rid of some garden furniture and I couldn't get a small round table through the garage door so I spent ages trying to take it apart. I cried again because I felt so alone and frustrated as it was really difficult to get all the nuts and bolts off as they had rusted. I did do it in the end and I was proud but I miss having someone to share these times with.

I don't know. I'm struggling with the NC thing. H seens to be too lazy to initiate contact but when either myself or D do then he ask us to meet up with him. Don't get me wrong, I don't contact him very much at all anymore and when I do see him it sets me back quite a bit because I start to miss him all over again. So do I just continue as I am not seeing him very much at all and then when I do it becomes such a big deal?

Anyway myself and D are hosting my Dad's birthday BBQ this weekend and then we are off on holiday next week. Can't wait!

[Coly23]

Wow SKM! You must have read my mind! I was typing as you were posting!

[Coly23]

OC_Hope, I'm sorry you find yourself here. I agree, I think you should carry on with your plans and leave her to figure out what she wants to do. If she wants to come back she will. You also gave to u dressed that the OP is like a drug to her so you have to give her time to withdraw from him.

Why don't you start your own thread so more vets can visit you and give you there wealth of experience.

[AndrewP]

Coly - good to hear from you! I've been wondering what you've been up to.

I'm so glad that your D had a great prom. My own D's was quite a while ago and not nearly as posh as what you described.

I'm sorry to see that you are still struggling on each encounter you have. I honestly don't know what to say that could help other than I certainly can understand how this is difficult for you. I also absolutely can't understand how he has just wandered off in his fog with what appears to be no plan nor destination. You are certainly a shining lighthouse though. Here's another line from the song you reference in your signature. Remember your path is about you and your D. He is on his own.

I was biting my tongue
I was trying to hide
I'll forget what I've done
I will be redefined

I hope you two have a lovely holiday. I'm off myself right now for a couple of weeks but only have minor adventures planned such as the local farmer's market with S22 tomorrow. I have a pretty low threshold for what I'll call an adventure though

[bttrfly]

{{{{{Coly}}}}}

i know it's hard but it will get better, I promise xoxoxo

[skm0619]

Coly.....good to hear from you.

I'm sorry that you are still having those sad moments. I remember having those as well. For me, they would come at the most unexpected time

The NC contact can be frustrating. I know there were times when I would think....

- what if he is waiting for me to make the first step?
- am I pushing him away more by NOT contacting him?

When I did finally end up speaking to him something he would say or do would upset me and then I would raise my voice and yell....not my proudest moments that is for sure.

I know you know that what you are doing is the right thing for you, but it sure does not make it any easier. I wish I had something that I could say to you to make you feel better

Please take care of yourself, and continue to let him figure himself out

Enjoy your holiday......I'm jealous

[Westo]

Oh Coly, I'm only just seeing this (((cwtch))).

I was thinking today, when on my mountain therapy walk that maybe my H weight gain is also for a reason.

If he looked like his old slim self, I would cry every time he leaves. But, as he doesn't look physically attractive to me right now, I don't. I'm just worried about his health but I know I can't say anything.

I bet D looked absolutely stunning at her prom, and to go by Ferrari....wow!

Keep doing what you're doing, you are amazing and showing D what a strong woman you are. You are also showing your friends and family that you are compassionate and level headed.

It's what I strive to do too, take care of you.

[Coly23]

AP, bttrfly, skm, westo, thank you all so much for your replies.

I want to respond to each of you separately but my mind is all in a muddle at the moment. I can't seem to keep a thought in my head for very long before I get distracted. I feel I might be going into a fog too! Maybe it's work and not enough play that is making me feel so low at the moment. IDK.

I hope my upcoming holiday will help me feel a bit more clearer minded. I'm looking forward to just kicking back and reading a good book.

Thank you all again so much. I don't know what I would do without your kind and encouraging words. They help to keep me going when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and shut the world out. I'm sure you have all been there!

Xx

[BluWave]

Hi Coly,

How are you? We haven't heard from you in some time. Hope you are well :-)

Blu

[Coly23]

Hey Blu, thanks for checking in on me!

I am good thanks. Just got back from 10 days in Spain with my D and her friend. First time since I was 19 that I didn't go with another adult. It was just the three of us and we had a whale of a time!

Not heard anything from H since D's prom. He has had some text communication with D regarding the allowance he started giving her from this month. Because of her prom June was a very expensive month for me. I was literally haemorrhaging money from my bank account on a weekly basis! D kept asking if she could ask H for an advance but I held her off for as long as possible by paying for the things she wanted myself. However in the end I agreed for her to ask him and he obliged. She won't get the chance to do this again so I really wanted her to have at least the basics. Hair, nails, shoes, makeup etc. She didn't have to pay for the car or her handbag which was a saving for me.

Roll on to the end of June D is now in full holiday mode but she has to wait for the beginning of July for the remainder of July's money to come in from H. Out of the blue H starts accusing her of not managing her money right and the fact that he can't afford to keep giving her money whenever she wants it. I do agree with H on this however she only asked for an advance because it was her prom and she was only expecting the remainder of what he was going to pay her anyway. She got very upset with him and told him that it wasn't her fault that he decided to leave and get an apartment in the most expensive cities in the county (just so he can be nearer his friends) and that it was me who puts a roof over her head and feeds and clothes her and that some Dad he turned out to be! He responded that it was not as clear cut as that but he understood (?). I desperately wanted to ask him what he meant by that as I still don't know what I did to make him leave! D also wanted to tell him that if it was not for me he would not have been invited to her prom but I stopped her from sending this. I really didn't think it as necessary for him to know and may have made their relationship more strained.

My issue is that when I opened D''s bank account I did not want H to contribute and for many months he did not but he did say that he would do anything to support D so in the end I gave him her account details and he said he was happy that he was able to contribute to her financially. He knows D is now looking for a job for the summer so I am not sure why he now has an attitude. I know he has moved again and I can only assume he has bitten off more than he can chew and is feeling the pinch financially. As far as D is concerned, as soon as she gets a job she is going to ask him to stop her money. I'm going to leave that up to her to manage.

Other than that D had a text from him whilst we were on holiday asking if she was having a good time. We were surprised as we didn't tell him about our holiday. D didn't think he was happy that we didn't tell him. After she thanked him for asking he did not respond back to her and we have not heard anything since.

Since I have stopped initiating contact and dinners etc. his communication with D has reduced drastically. I am not sure what is going to happen in the future, whether he will reach out and try and see D/me but I don't think he will. I feel really sad and I did on holiday too but I didn't dwell on it too much. He is missing out not us.

I have also decided to remove H from D's next of kin details for college. He does not think D is important enough to tell her he has moved let alone give us his new address. It's just ridiculous to me that we are not allowed to know where he lives! Neither myself nor D really care so if he worries that we will just turn up to his door or spy on him then he is sorely mistaken. We really don't have any inclination to do that.

So at the moment I'm just getting on with my life without H. I've at last taken on board all the advice which is to just leave him alone. I still miss him very much but he is not my H at the moment. I also bagged up the remainder of his clothes that had left in the wardrobe and put them in the garage. I'm slowly reclaiming my house....

Happy Friday everyone!! X

[OwnIt]

Coly I'm so glad you checked back in. I have been hoping things are going well for you. Sounds like they could be better, but to try to find some positive in this, at least he is speaking up and not just being a timid little mouse scurrying along. Congrats to you for not rolling out the red carpet for him again. I still think he's going to come around. I think you are like 6 mos to a year behind skm. I still see so much in common with your guys and hers is definitely coming to the fore.

[job]

Coly,

I am so happy to read that you and your daughter went to Spain and had a good time. You both needed a break from the MLC madness.

As for your h, he's smoldering over the fact that you and your daughter are moving on and having some fun. Keep in mind, he's not the happiest camper in the camp ground at the moment. The comment about the money was a direct hit at the fact that your daughter is having fun and poor baby isn't. He's a bit resentful at the moment over this, so ignore his little snippets.

As for moving and not telling you where he's moved to, many of them do this, but eventually they may tell you where they are living...listen to what he says and don't interrupt him. They do like to brag from time to time.

I'm glad you finally started making your place your own. I think you will feel far better when your place is "stamped" with Coly all over it.

Hang in there! I think you've come a long way and are doing great.

[AndrewP]

Ola Coly! <insert other happy Spanish words here>

Glad to see an update from you and especially one where you are sounding so very strong.

I desperately wanted to ask him what he meant by that as I still don't know what I did to make him leave!

Coly - I don't think that you'll ever know and perhaps it's not something that it is possible to know. I do want to ask you one question on this that is very like a question that I was asked by vets a very very long time ago. Take a good look at yourself in your mirror. Go ahead - I'll wait .......

Now - are you proud of the woman you saw there? One who is a fabulous Mum, one who did and does her VERY ABSOLUTE BEST for her family. I can tell you from the outside that you have an amazing amount to be proud of. You are indeed the woman that anyone would be a fool to leave. Remember - he left - you didn't throw him out. He's a fool. It was his choice and it's on his head just like if I chose to wear sandals with socks to go to the farmer's market today that would be my own choice and just like your H's choices - has NOTHING to do with you.

I have also decided to remove H from D's next of kin details for college.
<snip>
So at the moment I'm just getting on with my life without H. I've at last taken on board all the advice which is to just leave him alone. I still miss him very much but he is not my H at the moment. I also bagged up the remainder of his clothes that had left in the wardrobe and put them in the garage. I'm slowly reclaiming my house....

For this I'd like to give you the opposite of a 2X4 (a popsicle?) This is a very strong and incredibly difficult choice that you have made here. I know going through these steps were very difficult and despite being a strong manly man sort (you know the truth) I had to sit down and have a bit of a cry more than once when doing it.

Glad you are back - thrilled that you are becoming more "you".

[peacetoday]

I think they are secretive and its part of the thrill for them

all the hiding
the secret life..maybe like the way a teen would hide things from their parents


I also took my xh name off of everything related to me or our kids
especially all credit cards as he racked up severe debt


It is a wise choice
to prepare and take full care financially of ourselves
if they return,,we can adjust
if they don't t, we are ready

Breaking ties with D is good ,especially if he is not really available to her
I know my kids felt a sense of rejection every time XH did not put them first ,
which became more and more as time progressed

eventually the kids adjust and truly let him go-

sad but many a MLCer will alienate their kids too many times, and kids may not be willing to restore that R in the end-

[Coly23]

Ownit, AP, Job, thank you all so much for your comments.

Ownit, I wish I had your optimism! Maybe in 6-12 months he might realise that he wants me but at the moment it feels like he couldn't care less if he never saw me again! After all the effort I made in letting him continue to be part of our family while it slowly killed me inside.

I think with him speaking up is to do with him trying to assert some parental authority but it isn't as effective if he doesn't do any other parenting. It feels is like he is cherry picking what he wants to get out of this.

Job, I wonder if his comments and behaviours are to do with being a little jealous. He isn't usually the jealous type but it certainly could be the reason why he hasn't contacted D at all for about two weeks now. Oh well! We have a right to live our lives without him and be happy!

I've also stopped contacting H when D gets upset with him. In the past I would be straight on the phone firing off a text to either apologise on D's behalf or defend her but now I do nothing I just listen to D and validate although I do advise her if I think a text might be too strong or disrespectful.

With the house, I've started to go around and do all the things that H couldn't be bothered to do when he was living here. He hates any DIY! Today I've started cleaning up some stained glass windows with a view to renovating the frames. I'm quite excited about it although I have never attempted anything like this so it could be a disaster! I'm going to see if my Dad can give me some advice.

AP, my main man! Hola to you too!! Wrt H not giving me any reasons for leaving he did say the usual that he doesn't love me, hates that I like gardening, hates that I don't like sport, hates that we have nothing in common blah, blah, blah! So nothing really concrete. Instead because he has refused to talk to me about this I have looked in the mirror quite a lot since BD and I am trying to see myself through his eyes. I know that I'm a big worrier unnecessarily usually, I nag, I was a little controlling, I'm really not interested in sports (but he knew that when he met me. I come from a large family of girls with very little money for food let alone hobbies), I get loud when I am frustrated, I get frustrated easily etc, etc. The list could go on. I am my biggest critic!

Over this past year I have taken steps to address each of theses issues and although I know I can't get rid if them all completely I am learning to tone them down. This holiday was a great opportunity for me to put all that I have learned so far into practice. After all what better opportunity than with two grumpy, mouthy, know it all teenage girls!! My greatest achievement was to try not to worry unnecessarily and if I did to not show the girls so I wasn't putting it on their shoulders too. Also I tried not to control each day by having a plan. After all, the fact that neither of them appeared from their bedrooms before lunchtime meant that any plans had to be very loose and not time-bound! I think they appreciated this!

AP, I am proud of the woman that I am becoming. I feel so much stronger now and so is my relationship with D. She really made me proud at her prom and I think she was secretly pleased that I swallowed my pride and asked H to come along. Although he has never thanked me if this. I was also very touched when during the holiday she told her friend that we had a very close mother daughter relationship.

Wrt taking H off as D's next of kin for college. I hope this didn't come across as being petty or look like I am punishing him. It was a difficult decision to make and I had mulled it over for a few weeks before speaking with D about it. For one it is not practical if we do not have his new address and I'm certainly not asking him as we are not supposed to know. Secondly the person who will be there for D when I am not able to surely needs to be someone I can trust and have confidence in and at the moment I don't have either in him.

You know, when I bagged up his clothes I didn't cry I just did it and that's how I know I was ready. Thanks for the Popsicle though I'm definitely going to start giving those out to our fellow D'bers now!!

Now, I've trying to get the image of your socks and sandles out of my head all evening but it keeps popping back in!!

Happy Saturday everyone!!

[Coly23]

Hey Peace, thanks for the visit!

Yes, I've heard that they can be very secretive. It's very strange really. H told one of his friends at BD that he wanted to build a friendship with me (i snooped at the email when I was looking for something else. It was probably the most un-emotional, matter of fact email I have ever seen considering he was talking about the breakdown of our marriage!) but what friend doesn't tell you they have moved and doesn't give you their new address? Even friends I haven't seen in years still send a new address card! That's why it's such a load of crap when they say they want to be friends!

D definitely feels the rejection so I think keeping our distance is best all round. Still it feels very sad knowing that he really doesn't want anything to do with us anymore....

[skm0619]

Coly.....so glad to hear that you had a nice time of your vacation

I have said this in the past.....I can not imagine having to go through all of this with children. There were days when I had no idea how I got out of bed and went to work. I honestly don't remember a lot of those first few months after BD. So with that said, I certainly hope that you know that you are a fabulous mother to your D, and if she is half as great as you are (which I'm sure she is), then she certainly knows how lucky she is to have you

Our stories do sound very familiar. When I kicked H out, he went to go and live with a friend for a few months, but after that he moved into his own place and made damn sure that I did not know where he was moving to. BUT, as we all know those in MLC, don't always do the smartest things. He gave his new address to our insurance company, and I had to change things with them, and that was when I found his address.

I can tell you that when I filed the divorce papers and he didn't sign them for a few months, I finally was fed up and showed up at his house with them. Lets just say he was shocked when he opened the door and saw me standing there

He later told me he didn't want me coming over unexpectedly, or driving by to see if he was home. He also was very paranoid....his words... and he thought I would give his APs husband his address and he would come to his house and start a fight with him.

I'm glad that you finally packed up the rest of his things. I was like you and did not have any sadness when I did it. I can also say that there were some things that I knew he would want to keep, but I threw them in the trash anyway. I know that probably was spiteful, and a bit immature, but I honestly did not care at that time.

You say you nag, are a little controlling, and you get loud when you get frustrated ....... I think you could be my twin Coly I definitely beat myself up at first for reacting that way at certain times, but I don't do that anymore. All we can do is work on ourselves one day at a time. At least we are working on ourselves, unlike some who don't even want to look in the mirror to see who they really are.

Make your place all about you Coly. Change things that you have always wanted to change. It may sound trivial, but I always wanted to sleep on the other side of the bed, but H liked to sleep there, but now I sleep where I want to sleep

After BD happened my H told me that he hadn't loved me for the past 3 years of our marriage. He wanted a divorce and he gave me several reasons, but the stupidest reason was that "we didn't like the same kind of food" as a reason why we should split up ........ Seriously???

You may never know why he did what he did, or why he left, but that does not define who YOU are. That is his problem to deal with. And to be honest, I can bet you that he doesn't have any idea why he left either.

My H said and did some horrible things to me after BD.......well guess what?? Now he is the one who is trying to come back into my life. He is the one saying that he made all the mistakes and knows what he did was wrong, and that there is no one to blame but himself for all of this. He is in therapy and trying to figure himself out. And guess what else.....I still nag, and am still a little controlling and still get loud when I get frustrated. But, the craziest things is the man who once didn't even want me to know where he was living has now given me a key to that place

Remember.....one day at a time Coly

[job]

skm0619,

Very well said. You were not, nor are you now, the reason for him walking. The problem is within him and he needs to fix himself one way or the other.

Coly, live your life to the fullest. If he wakes up and realizes the damage he has created and wants to return, he will need to do the heavy lifting in order to convince you that he's recommitted to the marriage 100 percent. At the end of the day, you will be the one to decide whether to try again or not.

Try not to look back...look forward.

[BluWave]

This is great stuff. Coly, you seem to be making some steps towards detachment. I hope you can enjoy the relief in that :-) And yes, if he will not even tell you his address, won't communicate in general, then by no means should he be her next of kin. You can't even trust him.

My initial thought when you said he didn't tell you his address is that there is an OW. And how is he affording the more expensive area? Maybe it doesn't help to speculate, but I don't want you to be blindsighted later if that comes up. If you read Leahsues threads, she recently learned of OW. It is devastating, but also takes the rug out from under us and helps us LET GO. I know you have struggled with reasons, and so it is something to file in the back of your mind.

Skm, it's so good to read your reply and advice. You have come so far! I think the take home message is that we have to remember that while we are stuck in our daily emotions/struggles, things do and will change. If you look at where I was 3 years go, 2, 1, and then now, they are all so different. Also, my perspective of my H and my M are different. In the beginning we are so hurt, we just want them back. When we have them back, we are forced to look at who they are and what they did, so naturally we will question if we want them at all.

Coly, you will get there too. Even if he doesn't come around, you really don't want a man that can do this to you and D, right?

Hugs,
Blu

[skm0619]

Coly....I hope you know that you are doing much better then you were. This process takes time, and if you are as much like me as I think you are, this process definitely isn't going fast enough

This statement by Blu is so on point:

In the beginning we are so hurt, we just want them back. When we have them back, we are forced to look at who they are and what they did, so naturally we will question if we want them at all.

I can honestly say that I will never be the same person as I was before all of this CRAP happened....but I don't think that is a bad thing. Now I know what I am willing to put up with, and what I'm not willing to put up with from others. My H definitely knows he cant pull anymore BS with me. Sometimes I have days where I think "do I really want him in my life as bad as I think I do?"..... still trying to figure that out

You will get there one day too Coly.....I can feel it

[Coly23]

skm, Job, Blu - thank you all so much for your comments.

skm (my DB twin!), I loved read reading your comments because you seem so strong now compared to where you were when you first started posting and there is such a role reversal with you and your H with him being in the fragile position you were in. I especially like the fact that he has now given you the key to his apartment when before he didn't even want you to know where he lived!

Wrt to having D and going through this crap. I think it has actually helped because I know that there is someone else who depends on me so I have to get up every day and put one foot in front of the other. It has also helped the fact that she is a teenager because if she was younger and didn't understand I might have fallen apart on a more regular basis!

I think at the moments I am in the angry stage! I have fantasies of telling H where to stick his reconciliation if he ever came to me door asking for it! I am so angry that he is treating myself and D so badly when all we have done is love and support him. The anger, I think, is helping me drop that pesky rope!

I agree with you that we start to question if we would want this person back in our lives and it used to be that I would take H back in a heartbeat if he asked but now I am not so sure. I like reading your thread skm because you are showing me that I won't have to sell myself short if I do get to that stage and the fact that you are standing your ground and he isn't running away gives me hope that I shouldn't need to if he is certain that it is what he wants. If my H really wants to come back then he will understand any reluctance on my part.

Job, I'm really trying hard to see that all the issues in our marriage couldn't just be down to me but when I see him make no progress in his life it makes me mad that he probably thinks he has done nothing wrong. If he ever recommits it's going to be so tough for me to put the burden of most the work on him when I have been used to doing all the heavy lifting for such a long time. I guess that is an issue all lbs have when piecing.

Blu, yep in the back of my mind I still wonder if there is OW. Even if there wasn't one at BD I am realistic that there may be one now. Leahsue's post did rock me a bit when I read it so I know I have to prepare myself for that possibility.

Thank you for saying that I have come a long way. I know that you and several others have tried to make me see that what I was doing before was just a cheeseless tunnel because it took me no further towards my goal. I see that now in that H continues to distance himself from us even though we tried to show him that he is still part of the family. Everytime I want to contact him now I stop and think how this will help ME now rather than him and I know that if I do he will probably think that he still has me where he wants me and then I will be back to square one again.

I have a funny story about this when I was on holiday. I had one major blow out when I had way too many cocktails and when I woke up the next morning the first thing I thought was please God don't let me have drunk texted H that I miss him! So when I looked at my text message I could see there was one there that I had written (damn I knew it!) but had not been sent. The message said something like 'I mi,dsf yuuo' and the reason why it hadn't been sent was because in my drunken state not only could I not spell 'I miss you' I also couldn't quite spell H's name so his number didn't come up! Phew, that was close!! Suffice it to say after that I was a little more restrained!!

Thanks all so much for your kind words. I really do feel so much better than even a month ago. I think certain events have put things into perspective for me like H's attitude to D's allowance, his not telling us that he has moved again and his continuing distancing from us. I know now that I am not going to accept anything less that H outright saying he wants to recommit when previously I was happy to build a friendship with him first with a view to seeing if that is what he wanted.. I realise that building our friendship back up should be as a result of recommitting to the marriage.

I'm learning but I realise I have so much further to go in this journey.

Back to work today, boo! Happy Monday everyone!

[AndrewP]

please God don't let me have drunk texted H that I miss him!

And this is why I removed her from my contacts on my phone and computer after doing exactly this back in December / January. For the couple of times that I've actually needed to contact her, I have to go into my older files to look up her email address. I have no clue what her phone number is. It would probably take me 15 or 20 minutes of digging to find that. I also did a purge on the home phones and address book of not only her, but also her relatives and work numbers. If you need to, put the information on a sealed envelope and write on the outside of this "Are you really really sure?" then put that inside another envelope and write on it "Probably a bad idea to open this" and then give it to your D to hide in her room

Much much safer that way. It was tough to do but for me at least, it was necessary. I joke with S22 sometimes that with being "unsupervised" that I will sometimes make stupid choices like signing up for online dating. I think that the more we live together just the 2 of us, the more he understands.

[Coly23]

Hey AP, thanks for the suggestion. I have now removed him from my contacts although I do know his number off by heart but I guess it would be more difficult to punch that in when I can't see straight!!

Journaling: So, not much going on in my sitch at the moment. I haven't heard from/seen or contacted H since D's prom. Since coming back from holiday I have been feeling very restless. Not as calm as I was before. I feel something is changing in me and it's making me scared. I have these conversations in my head all the time about contacting H and then I think about what I put myself through since BD, trying to keep him near us and how much I spun. So then I talk myself out of it. I think unless I have an emergency about D or its financial I won't contact him. That's huge for me because I have a history of letting NC go on for around seven weeks and then I break and ask him to lunch/ coffee or something just so I can see him.

So saying that I did text him this morning as I had asked him to increase the very small amount of money he gives me each month for bills. It doesn't even cover half of the bills I pay and I pay all the mortgage. I asked him to do this at the same time I said he can start giving D a monthly allowance and assumed he would do both as he said yes. But it looks like he hasn't increased my money so I just said I noticed it hadn't increased this month. The reason I am posting this is to keep my expectations low especially as it's been over 40 minutes since I texted him. So just to prepare myself, in my head I am thinking the following:

1. He doesn't respond and just ignores my text;
2. He doesn't respond but increases the money anyway;
3. He responds and apologises for the oversight and increases the money;
4. He responds and says he doesn't have enough money to increase it and believes he gives me enough;
5. He responds and tells me not to contact him again;
6. He responds and declares his undying love! (ha,ha, just joking!)

But really, I'm not sure I care anymore. I was going on the old saying of if you don't ask you don't get so I thought I would give it a shot. He may still be sulking about us not telling him about the holiday or he may be living if up on holiday himself so again trying to keep my expectations super low.

Happy weekend everyone!!

[Coly23]

I heard back from H eventually. He was very upbeat (blegh) asking how our holiday was etc. He said that he had misunderstood my text previously and thought I was asking him to give D an allowance and reduce my money by that amount and he didn't want to do that. Anyway he said he had just received his annual pay increase so was happy to increase my money. I went back and thanked him.

Back to the darkness....

[ForGump]

Coly, wishing you well. Now that I'm ... so far away from DB ... it's just incredible how you (and others) keep it going. Incredible strength.

[Coly23]

Hey FG, great to hear from you! How are you getting on?

No, I don't feel like I am strong. Everything I do is forced and painful! Although I don't have those terrible panicky, sicky feelings anymore I still feel terribly sad about all of this. Going dark has helped to weed out those feelings however I miss my H even more now that we have very little contact and especially as he makes no effort to contact me. It seems the distance and pursuer dynamic doesn't work in my sitch!

I just keep plodding along FG, as do we all, in a sitch that I never asked for nor agreed to.

Hopefully you will pop in and give us an update on his you are getting on?

[Coly23]

Journaling: After my text to H asking if he forgot about increasing my monthly bills money I felt a bit weird like what must he be thinking about me asking for money? So I went back to him and said that even though we have asked for some financial support i don't want him to think that I needed him to be responsible for us in any other way and that me and D are doing good. I did say that although we would still love him to be in our lives again we just want him to be happy. He responded and said that he was glad we were doing good.

I know you will all be rolling your eyes at this but I really just didn't want him to think I was being needy. Me and D really are doing okay and I just wanted him to understand this. I also told him to have a good summer but he didn't say the same back to me :0(. I sometimes get the impression that he feels pressured to see us so by saying this I think I wanted to get across to him that we aren't expecting to see him for a while.

Another thing I don't understand is the whole leaving his stuff here. I don't know if you all remember a couple of months ago I told him that I hoped he didn't think I was holding his stuff hostage. Anyway to cut a long story short he did come by and picked up all his suits but just tidied up the remainder of his clothes in the baskets in the wardrobe. Now I understand Job when she said that some people just don't want their stuff from the past but if that is the case why not just bag them up and chuck them? If he is using me as storage well he just moved to another apartment so should he not have taken this into account? We were away for 10 days and he has a key so he could have come by again and picked a few bits up.

I am now think that maybe he is using me for storage and is waiting until we he has the opportunity to suggest selling the house and then he will move his stuff. It makes me mad!! Sorry, just venting!!

[Coly23]

Sorry, I realise that was a really moany update! IDK, I am just trying to show him that we aren't needy anymore and we can look after ourselves. I know MLC'ers don't like pressure or responsibility so I didn't want him to think we were hounding him to support us. Hohum....

[job]

Coly,

Your h may or may not have forgotten to increase the amount of money that he was putting in the bank for you/daughter. The reason that I say this is that sometimes, they do things just to get us to contact them versus them contacting us. You contacted him and let him know that you aren't being needy and that's fine...but all you had to do is say thanks and let it go. Now, you need to let that little bit of contact go and continue on your way.

About things being left behind. Many of them leave the "stuff" that they had acquired over the years and only take what is necessary for them to use in their current situations. They don't want reminders of their past, so what better way to get rid of it...to leave in right where it is...in the old home place. If you haven't already packed his stuff up, then do so. Since he has an apartment, there is no excuse that he can't take the stuff to him new place. The next time you have contact w/him, advise him that you've packed his stuff up and want to know when he's going to pick it up. If he tells you that he'll be by sometime to get it, give him a drop dead date and advise him that if he doesn't want the stuff, then he needs to let you know so that you can have a charity come by and get the stuff. Trust me, he's already got new stuff to replace what he's left behind and I would be very surprised if he did, in fact, return to get the items.

Coly, it's time to shake up your situation just a wee bit and mentioning the belongings is one way to see where his head is at for the moment...but allow him to contact you first and then advise him of what needs to take place.

[OwnIt]

Coly, the stuff is just the reason to keep coming back if everything else fails. It is like his skeleton key. Other than serving his purpose, it does not mean anything.

I had a guy tell me once that when someone says it isn't about the money, it is always about the money. When you tell him you aren't needy, you are in effect telling him you are. The best way to show your strength is not to contact him and learn to be ok with the silence.

You just keep reminding him that you are sitting there waiting, not so patiently.

[AndrewP]

I am now think that maybe he is using me for storage and is waiting until we he has the opportunity to suggest selling the house and then he will move his stuff.

Coly - I defer to Job on what she said about this and how they will leave behind reminders of their old lives. How / when / if they come for them is anyone's guess.

In my own case my STBX left lots of stuff for many many months that I eventually packed up and told her about. On the other hand, when she left she took some definite reminders of her old life, or perhaps the people who helped her strip the house did that. No way of knowing. I'm very likely in a rather different place than you and have largely come to terms that I will never understand why she did this one thing or didn't do some other thing. All of those crumbs we've talked about for the last year or more, well - I'm thinking that none of them were real.

I also don't know for sure why she actually came back to get her things that I packed (and a bunch of other stuff she grabbed while she was in the house). I could speculate and the prior AndrewP certainly would have but now I just try to shrug and move on.

I don't want to bring you down here and I know you aren't there yet, but our searches for the hidden meanings didn't do me any good at least. If I was then I'd be posting about the large stash of fingernail files I came across the other day

[BluWave]

(2*4 incoming)

Why H has left things behind:

1. He has not fully let go and may come back some day.
2. He is keeping his steak on the property.
3. He can't be bothered.
4. He doesn't plan on using it or wearing it anyhow.
5. He forgot about it entirely.

None of us can know why and he may not even know why. So I am sorry to say, but speculating gets you no where and may even hold you back. It is another form of mind reading, and as I say, that never works.

I agree with others that by contacting him at all, you are not showing him that you are fine without him, but you are showing him that he is still on your mind and that you want him to think you are fine. I am not criticizing you and I don't think you should be hard on yourself! This is hard stuff, but that is how I see it. I just see that you are still holding on and that you are trying to show us and him that you are not. (and BTW, I didn't let go for a long time either when my H was gone). This can take a very looonnnnggg time. You can also choose that enough is enough.

I think it may be time for a mental shift. Others here talk about letting go and maintaining hope or dropping the rope and loving them from a distance. I tend to think that those things come into conflict with one another. You are totally free to dismiss what I say :-) I also tend to think that the term MLC is used to offer us excuses for bad behavior or helps us (the LBS) forgive actions we otherwise wouldn't. I just don't like the term and would rather understand why individuals do what they do and not just stick them in one category. Then I read on here over and over "that's what MLC's do!" and I cringe. One could argue my H had a MLC, however he is still a grown up and he is still responsible for his actions (now more than ever).

So all that being said, I wonder if you could move forward more smoothly if you could allow yourself some anger? How would it feel to tell yourself that he left you and D, he is a selfish jerk (which he has been for never including his W in on his thoughts when he left her), and that he is never coming back? How about imagining him shacking up with some hot younger OW in a fancy new apartment? ... Would any of that help you detach?

I am sure we are quite different, but if I were in your position, I would be angry. I would not want his stuff around and I would not want these friendly casual exchanges. Why? because I didn't sign up for a friendship, I signed up for a real M. I would tell him to come and get all his crap. I would also tell him that his picking up and leaving without explanation is shallow. I would tell him that I am tired of being treated this way and living in limbo. I would also see a lawyer (solicitor) and be careful how I played my cards. And FYI, I did do all of this. It did not scare my H away (he was already gone) but I showed him how I expected to be treated.

I am not saying you should do what I would do. I am however suggesting that he is getting off easy. Your H knows he can leave you and D, leave his things in the house, and that everything will be fine. Better than fine, but you are friendly too. Just something to think about. .. Feel free to disagree everyone, but I take a very hard line approach.

Blu

[job]

Coly,

You need to remind yourself that you were fired from the position of his wife, companion and lover. Anger can be a very good thing and it could very well help to spur you on to pack up his stuff and give him a drop dead date to pick it up. His belongings are a constant reminder of him and you definitely need to make your home your space and not his.

Please try to refrain from contacting him. I know that you've been doing well w/the "no contact", but, in a way, you needed some excuse to contact him. He knows that you are out there and love him, but he's not ready to fix himself and the only way he may ever decide to do something about his situation is if he sees and senses that you are moving forward. Some do get their act together and want to make amends and try to come back and others don't. Time will tell on this one...but for now, just leave him alone...no more contacting him about not feeling needy. BluWave was correct in pointing out that even though you were saying you weren't needy...yes, you were because you needed that contact.

Time to put your entire focus on you and your daughter.

[Coly23]

Hello everyone! Thank you so much for your feedback. I must admit I cried when I read your comments . Not because I didn't agree with them but just out of pure frustration and disappointment with myself.

I am really trying hard to move forward without him, I really am. I just feel so confused with what I am supposed to be doing I just keep tying myself up in knots. My mind is like one big knot at the moment!!

Blu I have got angry on occasions but I just can't let it consume me and I worry that it will and that won't be good for me or D. We have shown him on so many occasions that we aren't thinking of him and we are just getting on with our lives. For example Mother's Day H asked D if she wanted help with getting me a present and she said no. Instead we went out for afternoon tea and didn't invite H. Easter we didn't contact him at all and he turned up at our house in the evening with Easter eggs expecting us to be there but we weren't in. Father's Day D didn't want to celebrate it at all so we arranged to go away for the weekend, just the two of us. Then two days before H contacts us and asks if we want to go to lunch but I said we were not around. I am trying.

We have not seen H since D's prom at the end of June and the only reason why I asked him was for D. In all honesty I really didn't think he deserved to be there and me and D actually fell out about it. In the end I invited him through gritted teeth!

Maybe sending that text was a mistake but for some reason i feel a little freer, like another peace of string has been cut. I don't know why but I do. I feel like I have released him and in doing so I have released me. Sorry if that doesn't make sense but it's hard to explain.

As for his stuff. Well I can say hand on heart that he has only ever come by once to get anything. All the clothes he has with him I packed up and gave to him a few days afte BD in anger. When I see him he is not wearing new clothes he is wearing what I gave him last year.

I think I'm going to do what Job suggested and just wait for him to contact me, if he ever does, and then broach the subject of him coming to collect his things. The trouble is there is so much to sort through in the loft and garage, not to mention all his paperwork, maybe that is what is putting him off, I don't know. The funny thing is, at the start of the year he asked if I had a specific shoe box for a pair of limited edition trainers he was selling on eBay. He also had another pair of limited edition trainers he had left behind all boxed up and I took them down to give to him to take away and instead he asked if he could leave them in the house. I should have said no but at the time I was just so confused! When he had the chance to take his things, he doesn't. I just don't get it!

Job, Blu, Own, AP. Thank you all for your comments. I am working on myself but I also still want to save my marriage. That's what I came here for and that's what I'm trying to do but not very successfully! Keep hitting me with these 2x4's and pulling me back to reality, I really need that at the moment!

I'm really going to go back to NC now, I promise!

[job]

Coly,

You are a work in progress. It's one step forward and two steps back. Go back to NC for now...but it's time to start going through some of that stuff and making decisions so that you can reclaim your home for you and your daughter w/o the ghosts walking the halls and greeting you all of the time.

Hang in there!

[skm0619]

Coly.....you have definitely gotten better advice from everyone else then I could give you, but I will tell you how I handled the same situation in regard to H and his things.

When I kicked H out, a few days later I gave him a small suitcase and a few other things. Everything else was still at the house....hanging in our master closet as a matter of fact. So everyday I had to see all of his clothes hanging there. A few weeks went by, I asked him when he would be coming to get his things and he never would. One evening about 3 months after BD, he came over to "talk" and I asked him again when he was going to take the rest of his things. That night he went and packed a few things, but for me that was not good enough. I started taking his things out to his truck. He asked what I was doing and I told him "you don't live here anymore, and I don't want your things here." What he said to me after all of his things were out of the house told me about his state of mind at that time.......he said:

"with all of my stuff out it makes things seem so final"

Seriously?!?!?! Now, I don't know what kind of mindset your H has, and I'm sure he really doesn't know either at this point in his life, but after hearing that from my H it definitely made me think he had no clue what he wanted, or what he was doing with his life. I know that after his things were out of the house, I could start to let other things go, and take the house back as mine. I also didn't have a reason to contact him anymore.

Coly, I'm sorry you are going through all of this, and I know it is so frustrating and it svcks. I read what Job, Blu and the others have said to you, and I remember hearing those exact same words. It took me a long time to finally realize that what I was being told to do was the right thing to do. Like you, I felt like I was doing everything I thought I was "supposed" to be doing.....leaving H alone, going NC, GAL and living my life, but really I was just going through the motions.......and he knew it.

I did get angry, and at times it did consume me, and when I did speak to H he heard my wrath. It made me feel better because that way he knew exactly how I was feeling........and trust me, there was no question about how I was feeling when I spoke to H. But, I finally did get tired of yelling and screaming at him. I guess I got it all out and there was no more left inside

I'm not saying that yelling and screaming is what you should do, but maybe getting some of that anger out would help you

Remember Coly.....one day at a time.

[Coly23]

Thanks Job and SKM. Yes I definitely need to take this one day at a time...

So I've been MIA for a while on my thread but I have been reading along and posting when I feel I have something useful to say.

Journaling - The summer has been going okay although it has been very wet so far so not great for days out. D has been a bit down lately. I think she may be suffering from a bit of PTSD. She said that when H left she was in the throws of building up to her final exams so she had that to occupy her mind but now that she has been off for a couple of months it seems to have started to sink in, the enormity of it all. Because if this she became very distant with her boyfriend and girl friends and consequently has been falling out with them all resulting in her boyfriend telling her that she has been a bad girlfriend and they have now split up. She is understandably very upset with this because she was looking to him for support and he couldn't give it.

In the meantime H has been texting and phoning her at least two or three times a week and she has chosen to ignore him. I did suggest that if he asks how she is and at the same time asks to see her and if she doesn't want to see him then maybe to be polite she should just respond to say that she is okay but she declined to do that. I even suggested that I could drop H a text to ask him to back off a bit whilst she sorts herself out but she said that would imply that she will see him at some point in the future but she feels she has made her mind up that she doesn't want to see him anymore. That makes me feel really sad. I wonder how he would feel about it if he knew. The H I knew would be mortified and very sad about it but I don't know this new person so I can't speculate on how he is feeling. All I know is that both myself and D do not want the type of relationship he is offering. We would rather be on our own than have him pop up every now and again reminding us of how he rejected us all over again.

We've also been trying to find a little summer job for D to take her mind off everything and I am pleased to say that she starts a little admin job in my office on Monday! I am so excited for her! She has also started to come to the gym with me and I'm going to get her membership so she can go more regularly. We are doing a lot of things together at the moment and it seems to have brought us much closer.

In other news. This month is my seventh wedding anniversary and then two days later will be my birthday. This time last year I was a mess. I don't know how I am going to feel on those two days this year. I think there will obviously be some sadness but I don't think i will feel as emotional as last year. I would love to send a text to H to say happy anniversary but I assume that would not be a good idea!

Anyway, I hope everyone is good today/tonight. It's nearly the weekend - yippee!!

[OwnIt]

Coly, resist the urge to contact him. Let D communicate as she sees fit. I'm having similar issues with my D. She says she is determined to get a scholarship next year so she doesn't have to deal with him again and plans to change her last name when she turns 18 in April. Just awesome that this is the place we have come.

I know it is hard, but you are doing great. As you can see from my messy thread, it can always be worse. Stay in the fight.

[job]

I agree w/OwnIt...do not contact him. The issue is between your D and your H. Your D can determine if and when she wishes to communicate w/your h because she's old enough to know her own mind about this. This is one situation that only your H can fix.

Hang in there...you are doing great.

[Coly23]

Thanks Ownit and Job. Yes you are both right this us up to D and H to sort out.

Feeling a bit blegh at the moment. I don't know if it is because it's coming up to our anniversary or because I am slowly letting go of my marriage. I can't ever see H wanting to reconcile. I think he has moved way down the road to want to look back but I know I need to be doing that as well.

D and I had a really good talk last night because she asked me why I was so down lately. I just feel so responsible for putting her in this position. Right on top of her exams and now she is worried she may not have passed enough to do the courses she has chosen for college. Also the break up with get boyfriend was down to her feeling upset about the whole situation. This whole thing just $^cks.

I think the main feeling I am getting at the moment is feelings of hurt. I just feel so hurt that he has done this to me and D and I don't know how to get past it. I just think I must have been such an awful wife that he really didn't care about hurting us to get what he wanted which was out of this marriage. I can't think of any other reason why he would go to such an extreme.

However at the moment I am starting to feel a little more in control of this sitch because I have chosen not to have any contact with him but although he is practically pursuing D he is making no moves to contact me. I know NC is for me but I just thought that maybe he would have reached out by now even to ask some stupid question so I feel he is happy with this situation. I feel I have come this far so to contact him would undo all my good work, I know that but it's still $^cks!!

Happy weekend everyone!

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{Coly}}}}}}}
I don't have anything to add; just want to offer a hug xoxoxo

[Treasur]

I'm sorry, Coly, but you know in your heart I suspect that this is about what's in your H as a human being...not you, not your M and not your girl. It still hurts but it isn't about you, it's about him. Hurting people so extremely - and you know rationally there were plenty of other ways he could have handled this if it was just that he no longer wanted to be married - is always about the hurter not the hurtees (not even sure that's a word)

Sitting with you x

[AndrewP]

Coly - never for a moment think that you were an "awful wife". Certainly you weren't a perfect June Cleaver but none of us are perfect.

You are a warrior queen. You have fought so long and hard for something and someone you truly believed was worth it. Just because you may have "lost the fight", you've won yourself. You have such a great deal to be proud of and all of us here who are traveling along with you are proud of you too.

There's something that Jack_3_Beans told me once that I've adapted and held up as my shield against the bad times. I am indeed The One Best Choice for my former W. The fact that she's too dim to see that is irrelevant and not something I can fix. Perhaps I can loan this to you.

Don't worry about the blech. It will get better in time. I found for me that I would, like you cycle between highs and lows. I've found over time that they smooth out and even when I'm "triggered" that it's not as bad as it has been.

You are doing great and you are loved.

[mleigh4]

Hi Coly,

I just want to chime in about H leaving some of his things at the house. I have the same situation, H has quite a bit of his things here including clothes, keepsakes, important documents, even furniture given to him from his family. This month will be 4 years since Bday and I just last week boxed up some things and put them up on a shelf labeled with his name. I may be a bit slow with this part of the separation, and may be being way too nice, but I have yet to tell him to get his stuff out. I figure once divorce comes, that will be the time. Until then, I just put it away out of sight.

Do what feels right at your own pace, there is no right or wrong. We are grieving the loss of a person and relationship, and we all grieve in our own way at our own pace.

As for the wedding anniversary. It made me laugh to remember back on the first anniversary we hit post Bday. I remember giving him a hug and saying Happy Anniversary! I will never forget the stiffness, lack of returned hug, arms at his side's, bewildered and shocked look on his face! I can laugh now, but at the time it was a very painful reminder that my husband no longer considered us married. I would advise not bringing it up, and instead, make the day special with new memories by doing something you enjoy.

Best wishes for a nice weekend.
M

[Coly23]

Thanks All for your comments and hugs (bttfly). I could really do with a few of those at the moment. My D isn't very huggle now that she is a teenager! My H gave the best hugs, I miss them so much....

Treasur, you are right, it says a lot about him as a person at the moment but it still doesn't stop me from feeling like such a failure. I really do hope he is looking inside himself and reflecting on what he is losing. During our recent chat D said she feels she is so over the whole Dad thing and society only considering you a family if you have both parents and 2.4 kids. I guess she is right. These days it is very rare and I suppose I idealise it because it is what I am used to.

AP, I do feel like I have 'lost the fight' and I'm trying so hard to take some positive learning out of it but its so hard. But you are right I am very proud of what D and I have achieved over the last year. We have become much closer and I think I understand her more now than I ever did. As much as you can understand a 16 year old! Thank you for saying you are proud of me. I am very proud a pond grateful to have such generous caring people like you on this site travelling this long, sometimes lonely road with me.

mleigh, It's good to know that I don't have to make any decisions about H's stuff as yet. I really don't think i can face asking him to get his stuff right now although I have started to slowly pack up his things. That's very weird how your H behaved on your first anniversary post BD. How does someone who one minute worshiped the ground you walked on turn so cold and unfeeling I never know. I won't mention it to H. It's a work day anyway so myself and D will just grab some lunch to take our minds of it.

So as predicted H sent a long text to D yesterday saying he has not seen her for a while and wasn't sure if it was because we have been away or if she just doesn't want to reply but that he just wants to know if she is okay and that he would love to grab a coffee with her. D thought about whether to respond or not and got a little stressed about it. I told her that there was no right or wrong answer but that she should just do what she feels is best for her. She asked me what I would do and I told her that if it as me I would just let H know that i was fine, because he is obviously concerned, but won't mention about meeting up so that is what she did. He responded that he was glad she was okay and again asked to let him know if she wants to get together.

I think for me I was a little annoyed that he thought the reason why she was not responding to him was because we were away and not because she is still mad at him. He really is clueless to what damage he has done.

Anyway, we spent Saturday evening looking after my four year old twin niece and nephew so that helped to take my mind off it. Today we are going to get D ready for her first day if work tomorrow. I am sooo excited!

Happy Sunday everyone!!!

[skm0619]

Coly......

Please do not think that you or your D are the reason your H did what he did, and is continuing to do to you. No one can make anyone do anything....ever. This was HIS choice and his alone.

Of course we all know that we could have been better spouses. And, if you think about it, there might have been times when you weren't happy either, but you did not make the choice to leave your M.

As I have learned through my own sitch....time has been my friend. Never, did I ever think, that I would be feeling the way I am about H or my M today. There were days that I thought I would die, or how was I going to make it through another day. BUT, I did....and so will you

Each day shows you that you are stronger then you realize. Yes, you are going to have days where you are sad....and that's okay. Just like you, there are days that I am sad, but when you (and I) look back on it, those days are becoming less and less.....thank goodness

For me it is hard to be consistent with GAL, detaching, NC and all of the things that DB teaches us. I have days when H makes me so upset, or he doesn't do what I was hoping he would do..(good 'ol expectations).. and I say "that's it, I can not do this anymore" and then I realize that some of the things I am basing that decision on, are things that I am making worse then they really are.

Having to learn about the A, be separated, try to work it out, have H walk away from me AGAIN, have NC, finally decide I have had enough and am ready to move on, only to have H decide he wants to come back and work on our M....has been the hardest thing I have ever been through. But, it has taught me that I am strong, and I will get through this........with or without H

Please be kind to yourself Coly.....

And as far as him saying the reason he thought D hadn't responded was because you guys were away.....is BS!!! He knows exactly why she isn't responding. But as we both know, he would have to look at himself and realize HE is the issue, and that would take too much work for him to do.

[OwnIt]

Coly, I was just telling my friend how upset I am that he keeps me stuck in this place. She said you keep yourself in this place. I said my lawyer won't let me file. She said you are the one keeping your seat on the rollercoaster. Let go. Again, someone who knows nothing about DB, cheating husbands, etc. Common sense that we keep ourselves tethered to these unhelpful feelings and expectations.

[Treasur]

[quote=Coly23] it says a lot about him as a person at the moment but it still doesn't stop me from feeling like such a failure. I really do hope he is looking inside himself and reflecting on what he is losing.

AP, I do feel like I have 'lost the fight' and I'm trying so hard to take some positive learning out of it but its so hard.


I think some 'fights' are not possible to win. Or we find out that they are not OUR fight. Or that our fight is a different one.

Failure is a small word with big feelings, isn't it? There's a real difference between trying your best and not getting what you want, and failing I think. Did my H and my M and my life suddenly turn out not as I wanted or expected? Yes. Do I honestly believe there was anything I could have done which would have prevented that? No. I'm not God, or responsible for my H's mental illness or choices. Do I think I have fought hard to keep my own sanity and not lose sight of who I am and what matters to me regardless? Yes. And that's enough.

and your friend is right, OwnIt. I think MLC is a big teacher about what we can and can't control and influence, just like families with other mental illness or drugs or alcoholism. We have choices; they are just tough ones sometimes

[Coly23]

Thanks everyone for your messages. I feel like I am getting over this hump now and I am starting to feel a little better.

SKM, I am sure he does know why she hasn't responded he really isn't that dense! He chooses to ignore the fact because that would be too painful for him to admit how he has affected her.

Although it doesn't seem like it I do feel like I am moving forward without H. I have to, I dont have a choice. None of us do but we do have a choice in how to live our lives now that our S's have left and I think I am getting there.

Ownit, your friend is right off course. I have kept myself stuck but I also think my friends don't help because they don't see the progress I have made. Their idea of moving on is to file for D or start dating. I'm not ready for either. They think because I have not done either of these things that I am holding on and that makes me doubt myself that I have made any progress. I know that I am much happier and more myself than I was this time last year and I think NC has definitely helped. You know what, maybe he is stuck. I won't be suprised if he is.

Treasur, I am starting to realise that H would have done this to whoever he was with because normal people don't behave in this way. Normal people wouldn't have thrown everything away to go back 15 years so he can live on his own in a one bedroom flat, eating lunch with his parents every Sunday and drinking every opportunity he gets. I feel I have fought a good fight but now I'm tired. I have a beautiful D that I am grateful for each day, he has nothing. So in a way my life is much richer and fulfilling than the one he has chosen. I understand that it may fulfil his needs at the moment but I'm not sure how long he will be able to sustain it.

Journaling - D got another text from H on Saturday morning. This time he has asked her if she would like to go on holiday with him at the beginning of September before college starts! D said, no way, but she is yet to respond to him.

We were a little confused as his BF's wife told us that H, BF and two other friends were planning a boys holiday in October and now he is asking D to go away with him. He definitely would not be able to afford two holidays so I assume the October holiday was a non starter. Also he doesn't know D very well if he thinks she will go away on her own with a parent or step-parent at this age. I knew to invite her friend on holiday with us because D would have been bored out of her mind if it was just the two of us.

Before BD, when we went on holiday, this was the man who wanted to lie around the pool asleep and begrudgingly went on trips with us. This is the man who used to get annoyed that we had to entertain D on holiday because he didn't want to do anything but sunbathe. So what does he think he is going to do with her on holiday now or is he just lonely? All his friends have children of school age and would have all had their family holidays as their kids go back to school in September so I think it's probably because he has no one else to go away with him.

I'm also really shocked that considering D has avoided him for nearly 8 weeks, he thinks she will now go on holiday with him. What fantasy land does he live in!! Last year after BD we had to cancel our holiday because of him and instead he went away to visit his friend abroad but did not ask D to go with him. I had to pick up the pieces of a sobbing D when she found out the holiday she was looking forward to had been cancelled. I was the one who scraped money together to take her away in the end. He is so clueless!

He told D that he would contact me to discuss but so far he hasn't and no way am I going to contact him! In the past I would have sent him a text to thank him for asking her and let him know that she is working so she won't be able to. Now, I would rather he knew the reason was because she doesn't want to have this type of relationship with him. D loves H very much and he was the best step Dad to her but she does not want an estranged birth Dad and estranged step Dad. It's too much for her to get her head around it. Me to.

I would love input from you guys as to what I should say if H does contact me. Should I be blunt and tell him that she doesn't want to go on holiday or that the reason she can't is because she has a job until she goes to college? D said that even if she didn't have a job she still wouldn't want to go.

Nearly the middle of the week everyone, yippee!!

[job]

Coly,

I think your daughter in very wise in not going on holiday w/him. After all, he is not her biological father and she may not feel comfortable going w/him the way he is acting at the moment. It wouldn't be appropriate to go off on holiday w/just him and her.

As to what to say when he asks about her and his invitation? Tell him that it is between him and her and that you are not going to be the go between for them. Your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions and he needs to learn to respect her wishes and have these type of discussions w/her.

BTW, none of us can actually say what truly goes on in their minds, but I would venture to say that his October holiday fell through or he may want to take your daughter on holiday and then say what a great time he had w/his step daughter and brag about it w/his new friends...again, no one can say what is up w/him these days.

Step back and allow your daughter to handle this situation between her and her step father. You've got enough on your plate, i.e., be there to listen to her and off her advice...but it is up to that grown man to learn how to communicate and to rebuild the bridge he destroyed. That is not your job....you were fired a while ago...remember?

[Coly23]

Hi Job, thanks for your advice, I really do appreciate it.

I was reading the advice you gave on some really old posts and as we know the outcome of those sitches, the advice you often gave as spot on.

Journaling - when D didn't respond to H I told her that I reckon he will find another excuse to contact her and the reason would be if she needed help getting a birthday present for me. I think I might my psychic! Low and behold she got a text from him on Wednesday asking if she wanted extra money for my birthday present! D went back to him and said that she was all sorted on that front and also said that she was busy all summer up until she goes back to college so she won't be able to go on holiday him. Phew, I'm glad that is all sorted now!

Happy Friday everyone!

[job]

Coly,

Your daughter is a smart young lady and she knew just how to handle the situation. Your h is feeling the "pinch" of detachment from you and your daughter. You will notice that the more you remain detached and quiet, the more he'll attempt to communicate w/you. This is called the dance of the pursuer/distance. Continue as you have been and allow that moth to continue to flit closer and closer to the candle.

Enjoy your weekend.

[Coly23]

Thanks Job! It's a shame that the pursuit and distance dance is being played out by D and H and not me and H but i guess I can't have everything!

Happy weekend everyone!

[Citygrl]

Hi Coly. Thank you for stopping by my thread. Have tried to catch up on your situation. You sound like you have progressed well. I know how difficult it is to have a husband who has mastered distance but pursuit is not in his vocabulary. I think in my case it is the guilt and shame that keeps him away somewhat. I am an awful reminder to him. Hopefully, your case isn't as extreme. I also found after a time I felt and did better by not having contact with him knowing he was with OW. It did seem that when I was being happy and staying away from MLC stuff I felt better, but sure enough....bam. That's when I get a text or have to contact him about something logistical. It all gets more manageable.

Didn't read all your threads but did you end up trying yoga? My teacher here dies a really popular yoga day with teachers from all around the area. I couldn't have come this far without it.

[Coly23]

Hi Citygirl, thanks for your visit too!

Yes, my H is not good at the pursuit. I believe his reason is because he does not want to give me hope. Whatever!

I think the reality of the situation is starting to sink in for him though. D is his step daughter and I think he thought he could dump me and treat me like I don't exist and still have a wonderful father daughter relationship with D. What he hasn't banked on is that she is disgusted with his behaviour and has no intention of having a relationship with him without me!

I tried yoga once but it wasn't for me. I think I need to find another provider as this one was run by an 80 year old lady who put a blanket on me while I was lying down with eyes shut! It was very sweet but I felt like I was in an old people's home!!

Journaling: i had a great Friday evening with my Sister. A few too many glasses of wine but really nice to catch up. I think her H is in MLC. We think he was a few years ago but I don't think he resolved anything so he is back to saying cruel things to her and being selfish with wanting to spend huge amounts of money on himself. I tried to give her a few hints and tips but it's so hard on her and the kids to go through this again.

D is doing a great job of helping me to slowly let go. Yesterday was a great example. We have a picture up in our hallway of cartoon people (a bit like the ones you get on the doors of male and female toilets so no faces or details just outlines of people) showing two female outlines a male and a rabbit and it says welcome to our family. I got it one Mother's Day and have been reluctant to remove it. Sadly we lost the rabbit just before H went to crazy land so as it stands two of the figures are no longer part of our family anymore. When we went shopping yesterday and D found a lovely wooden hanging with separate wooden arrows saying welcome to our noisy, sometimes messy but happy family and suggested I replace the picture with it as it is no longer relevant. So I took the plunge and it looks great!!

Slowly, day by day I feel we are making our own space without H in our lives. It feels great! Oh and my Sister whose H might be in MLC said she is so proud of me and how I have coped with everything. Especially brining up D and coping with the house on my own. I was really chuffed to hear that!

Happy Sunday!!

[Coly23]

Hello everyone! Well I made it through my seventh wedding anniversary albeit with a few tears but not as bad as the first year of our separation when I sobbed uncontrollably for hours.

Off course I have not heard a peep out of H but I guess he has swept me and the memories of our marriage under the carpet so he probs hasn't given it a second thought. Oh well, just my birthday to get through now.

I would love to hear if anyone has seen the solar eclipse over in the US of A!!

[Surv1ve]

Congrats Coly on getting through the anniversary day. The anniversary of our threesome commitment ceremony was August 9th, and I had a blast doing my own thing. Didn't want to let that own me.

It sounds like you're really shining these days and reclaiming a lot of your life. Good for you!

I agree with the advice of let D and H work out their own relationship. I bet you it's one of the ways he DOES pursue you, and he may actually have to pursue you directly in the future.

[OwnIt]

Congrats Coly, you are sounding so strong these days. They say it is a year of events right? I just have H's birthday next month (which I could care less about) and then I think I'm through a year.

[AndrewP]

(((Coly23))) - It is tough indeed going through these anniversaries. There's an old joke which also reminds me of Jack_3_Beans. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except bears. Bears will kill you.

I hope my Dad joke made you smile.

Here in Ontario, Canada we only had a partial eclipse and I was in a meeting when it happened. It did get quite a bit darker though. The next one in about 7 years though is supposedly going to go right over my house. I'll have to see if I can plan better then

[job]

New Thread:

Journey to Acceptance