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I agree w/OwnIt...do not contact him. The issue is between your D and your H. Your D can determine if and when she wishes to communicate w/your h because she's old enough to know her own mind about this. This is one situation that only your H can fix.

Hang in there...you are doing great.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Ownit and Job. Yes you are both right this us up to D and H to sort out.

Feeling a bit blegh at the moment. I don't know if it is because it's coming up to our anniversary or because I am slowly letting go of my marriage. I can't ever see H wanting to reconcile. I think he has moved way down the road to want to look back but I know I need to be doing that as well.

D and I had a really good talk last night because she asked me why I was so down lately. I just feel so responsible for putting her in this position. Right on top of her exams and now she is worried she may not have passed enough to do the courses she has chosen for college. Also the break up with get boyfriend was down to her feeling upset about the whole situation. This whole thing just $^cks.

I think the main feeling I am getting at the moment is feelings of hurt. I just feel so hurt that he has done this to me and D and I don't know how to get past it. I just think I must have been such an awful wife that he really didn't care about hurting us to get what he wanted which was out of this marriage. I can't think of any other reason why he would go to such an extreme.

However at the moment I am starting to feel a little more in control of this sitch because I have chosen not to have any contact with him but although he is practically pursuing D he is making no moves to contact me. I know NC is for me but I just thought that maybe he would have reached out by now even to ask some stupid question so I feel he is happy with this situation. I feel I have come this far so to contact him would undo all my good work, I know that but it's still $^cks!!

Happy weekend everyone!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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{{{{{{{Coly}}}}}}}
I don't have anything to add; just want to offer a hug xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I'm sorry, Coly, but you know in your heart I suspect that this is about what's in your H as a human being...not you, not your M and not your girl. It still hurts but it isn't about you, it's about him. Hurting people so extremely - and you know rationally there were plenty of other ways he could have handled this if it was just that he no longer wanted to be married - is always about the hurter not the hurtees (not even sure that's a word)

Sitting with you x


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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Coly - never for a moment think that you were an "awful wife". Certainly you weren't a perfect June Cleaver but none of us are perfect.

You are a warrior queen. You have fought so long and hard for something and someone you truly believed was worth it. Just because you may have "lost the fight", you've won yourself. You have such a great deal to be proud of and all of us here who are traveling along with you are proud of you too.

There's something that Jack_3_Beans told me once that I've adapted and held up as my shield against the bad times. I am indeed The One Best Choice for my former W. The fact that she's too dim to see that is irrelevant and not something I can fix. Perhaps I can loan this to you.

Don't worry about the blech. It will get better in time. I found for me that I would, like you cycle between highs and lows. I've found over time that they smooth out and even when I'm "triggered" that it's not as bad as it has been.

You are doing great and you are loved.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Hi Coly,

I just want to chime in about H leaving some of his things at the house. I have the same situation, H has quite a bit of his things here including clothes, keepsakes, important documents, even furniture given to him from his family. This month will be 4 years since Bday and I just last week boxed up some things and put them up on a shelf labeled with his name. I may be a bit slow with this part of the separation, and may be being way too nice, but I have yet to tell him to get his stuff out. I figure once divorce comes, that will be the time. Until then, I just put it away out of sight.

Do what feels right at your own pace, there is no right or wrong. We are grieving the loss of a person and relationship, and we all grieve in our own way at our own pace.

As for the wedding anniversary. It made me laugh to remember back on the first anniversary we hit post Bday. I remember giving him a hug and saying Happy Anniversary! I will never forget the stiffness, lack of returned hug, arms at his side's, bewildered and shocked look on his face! I can laugh now, but at the time it was a very painful reminder that my husband no longer considered us married. I would advise not bringing it up, and instead, make the day special with new memories by doing something you enjoy.

Best wishes for a nice weekend.
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Thanks All for your comments and hugs (bttfly). I could really do with a few of those at the moment. My D isn't very huggle now that she is a teenager! My H gave the best hugs, I miss them so much....

Treasur, you are right, it says a lot about him as a person at the moment but it still doesn't stop me from feeling like such a failure. I really do hope he is looking inside himself and reflecting on what he is losing. During our recent chat D said she feels she is so over the whole Dad thing and society only considering you a family if you have both parents and 2.4 kids. I guess she is right. These days it is very rare and I suppose I idealise it because it is what I am used to.

AP, I do feel like I have 'lost the fight' and I'm trying so hard to take some positive learning out of it but its so hard. But you are right I am very proud of what D and I have achieved over the last year. We have become much closer and I think I understand her more now than I ever did. As much as you can understand a 16 year old! Thank you for saying you are proud of me. I am very proud a pond grateful to have such generous caring people like you on this site travelling this long, sometimes lonely road with me.

mleigh, It's good to know that I don't have to make any decisions about H's stuff as yet. I really don't think i can face asking him to get his stuff right now although I have started to slowly pack up his things. That's very weird how your H behaved on your first anniversary post BD. How does someone who one minute worshiped the ground you walked on turn so cold and unfeeling I never know. I won't mention it to H. It's a work day anyway so myself and D will just grab some lunch to take our minds of it.

So as predicted H sent a long text to D yesterday saying he has not seen her for a while and wasn't sure if it was because we have been away or if she just doesn't want to reply but that he just wants to know if she is okay and that he would love to grab a coffee with her. D thought about whether to respond or not and got a little stressed about it. I told her that there was no right or wrong answer but that she should just do what she feels is best for her. She asked me what I would do and I told her that if it as me I would just let H know that i was fine, because he is obviously concerned, but won't mention about meeting up so that is what she did. He responded that he was glad she was okay and again asked to let him know if she wants to get together.

I think for me I was a little annoyed that he thought the reason why she was not responding to him was because we were away and not because she is still mad at him. He really is clueless to what damage he has done.

Anyway, we spent Saturday evening looking after my four year old twin niece and nephew so that helped to take my mind off it. Today we are going to get D ready for her first day if work tomorrow. I am sooo excited!

Happy Sunday everyone!!!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Coly......

Please do not think that you or your D are the reason your H did what he did, and is continuing to do to you. No one can make anyone do anything....ever. This was HIS choice and his alone.

Of course we all know that we could have been better spouses. And, if you think about it, there might have been times when you weren't happy either, but you did not make the choice to leave your M.

As I have learned through my own sitch....time has been my friend. Never, did I ever think, that I would be feeling the way I am about H or my M today. There were days that I thought I would die, or how was I going to make it through another day. BUT, I did....and so will you smile

Each day shows you that you are stronger then you realize. Yes, you are going to have days where you are sad....and that's okay. Just like you, there are days that I am sad, but when you (and I) look back on it, those days are becoming less and less.....thank goodness wink

For me it is hard to be consistent with GAL, detaching, NC and all of the things that DB teaches us. I have days when H makes me so upset, or he doesn't do what I was hoping he would do..(good 'ol expectations).. and I say "that's it, I can not do this anymore" and then I realize that some of the things I am basing that decision on, are things that I am making worse then they really are.

Having to learn about the A, be separated, try to work it out, have H walk away from me AGAIN, have NC, finally decide I have had enough and am ready to move on, only to have H decide he wants to come back and work on our M....has been the hardest thing I have ever been through. But, it has taught me that I am strong, and I will get through this........with or without H smile

Please be kind to yourself Coly.....

And as far as him saying the reason he thought D hadn't responded was because you guys were away.....is BS!!! He knows exactly why she isn't responding. But as we both know, he would have to look at himself and realize HE is the issue, and that would take too much work for him to do.

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Coly, I was just telling my friend how upset I am that he keeps me stuck in this place. She said you keep yourself in this place. I said my lawyer won't let me file. She said you are the one keeping your seat on the rollercoaster. Let go. Again, someone who knows nothing about DB, cheating husbands, etc. Common sense that we keep ourselves tethered to these unhelpful feelings and expectations.

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[quote=Coly23] it says a lot about him as a person at the moment but it still doesn't stop me from feeling like such a failure. I really do hope he is looking inside himself and reflecting on what he is losing.

AP, I do feel like I have 'lost the fight' and I'm trying so hard to take some positive learning out of it but its so hard.


I think some 'fights' are not possible to win. Or we find out that they are not OUR fight. Or that our fight is a different one.

Failure is a small word with big feelings, isn't it? There's a real difference between trying your best and not getting what you want, and failing I think. Did my H and my M and my life suddenly turn out not as I wanted or expected? Yes. Do I honestly believe there was anything I could have done which would have prevented that? No. I'm not God, or responsible for my H's mental illness or choices. Do I think I have fought hard to keep my own sanity and not lose sight of who I am and what matters to me regardless? Yes. And that's enough.

and your friend is right, OwnIt. I think MLC is a big teacher about what we can and can't control and influence, just like families with other mental illness or drugs or alcoholism. We have choices; they are just tough ones sometimes


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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