Leaving it up to God (but still interfering!)

[Sotto]

I think the way to think about this is - am I trying to control this situation with my behaviour? Any time you find yourself thinking - will this help him move forward - do X - do Y etc...step right back!!

That's all just trying to manipulate the situation to try and achieve the outcome we want - him turning back to you and the marriage...

Actually, the thing to do is just let go and let him be. I think you are setting off on the loop you were on before, where you saw more of him and were unsettled. Found it hard to stem the pursuit..

That's JMHO of course - but this may be such a long haul, I would encourage you to let go and live your life. Truly, if he chooses to turn back, he'll let you know. And I don't believe there is much you can do to control the situation other than live your life in the way you want to live. Looking back now, I am happy that I was reasonably kind and graceful, that I stood firm on finances and stood up for my own interests..the rest doesn't seem to matter much now.

Xx

[Coly23]

Hey Sotto I know you are all right but I just can't stop myself!

I guess my friend telling me he is moving unconsciously set me off in a bit of a tailspin so I felt the need to reach out to him. Weirdly in my mind I was wanting him to know that his moving doesn't bother me but actually he doesn't know I know so it makes no difference! The only thing is that I really wasnt expecting him to suggest lunch. Anyway, we will see how it goes on Monday...

Journaling: I've got a very busy weekends of GAL'ng coming up! Saturday I am meeting a friend for breakfast and then on to my Mum's in the afternoon for her birthday BBQ. Then on Sunday the friend I met for coffee, we can call her A, has invited us over for another BBQ and on Monday which is a holiday here it's lunch with H. I think I'm going to be as big as a house by Sunday after all this eating!!

Happy Wednesday everyone!

[job]

Coly,

When you say that you can't stop yourself, you remind me of someone who is "addicted" to your h. The only way to kick the "addiction" is to either go cold turkey or in the cases of alcohol or drugs, seek professional help...but the addict has to be ready to do the hard work.

Coly, just like an addict, until you are ready to actually do the necessary work to detach and drop the rope, you will continue to spin and spin. You are the only person who can help you. You are the only one that can control what you do. We can sit here all day and point out what you need to do, but until you are ready to actually do something different, i.e., detach and drop that rope, nothing will change.

[Coly23]

Thanks Job, I understand what you are saying. I think what is driving me is the fear of being divorced again. I really don't want that to happen and it scares me. I feel I will be considered a pariah in society if I am divorced twice. I feel like I just want to hide away in a cave on a desert island so I don't have explain anything to anyone. It makes me so sad that my life has turned out like this ...

[OwnIt]

Coly, how many people realistically need to know how many times you have been married? Probably just someone you were very serious about in the future. You can't control what others think. You know that you have given this the best you have. If it leads to divorce, that is ok because you only control your part of it. Remember, the statists put it at over half of people anyway. All that matters is what you think and believe about yourself. You are clearly a smart and kind person and if the rest of your life isn't going to be with this guy, there will doubtless be somebody else for you.

This fear of divorce could be what is holding you back. I had my head wrapped around that number. 25 years. I must stop this so it doesn't end there. Now I really don't care. I have done what I can do. I can hold my head high to myself and my children.

I've read so many stories here about people who come back after divorce. Don't let divorce be the thing that stops you from moving forward. It is just a piece of paper and a tax status. The emotional part is clearly not over for you guys. Just live your life in peace and joy.

[skm0619]

Coly.....I haven't been on here lately cause I've been busy with work, getting things wrapped up with selling the house and packing, and of course trying to figure out how to handle the new things that have come up with H. I have been thinking about you, hope you are well.

[Coly23]

Hey SKM, thanks for checking in and shaking me out of my lethargy!

Packing a house to move has got to be one of the worst things to do however it's also an opportunity to de-clutter and that's a good thing! Please update your thread when you have a moment it would be good to catch up on the 'new things' that have come up in your sitch....

Nothing much happening with me. After H asked us to go lunch with him on the holiday Monday he didn't contact me for the whole week before until the Monday morning when he asked if we were still okay to go to lunch. Old Coly would need to have everything planned at least two days before and would have contacted him to find out what the plan is. However I didn't say a word and to be honest if he didn't follow through it really wouldn't have bothered me. We had plenty of other things we could have done.

Anyway, lunch was nice and he paid again. He came back to the house and watched a film with us and tried some of the energy balls myself and D have been making to stop us from eating naughty things. They are delicious but they still don't stop us from snacking!!

I've had a really busy week at work and it's about to get busier next week so bracing myself! Myself and D went shopping yesterday and had a really lovely late lunch. We had a bit of a chat about her getting a job between finishing school and starting college as she is really feeling the change in our financial circumstances now. I do give her £50 a month but she usually spends that in the first hour after it hits her bank account!

H used to give her £50 a month too but I stopped him from giving her any money because I didn't want his financial help with bringing up my daughter. Anyway, I realise now that the only person I am hurting is D because of my stupid stubborn pride and my need to show H that I don't need him. So I texted him this morning and said that it would be great if he could restart her monthly pocket money to supplement her when she gets a job and also I would appreciate it if he could increase the money he gives me for bills although he is still getting off lightly!!

Anyway he texted back and said he is happy to do both and and asked if I was free for coffee/lunch next weekend. The only thing I am struggling with is that he said 'maybe we could grab coffee or lunch next weekend if you are free'. So does that mean just me or D as well? Should I ask? Anyway, I'm not going to chase him. I'll wait for him to remind me and if he is really lucky I might suggest doing a small BBQ at home.

If he doesn't then no skin off my nose! I've always got so much to do at the weekends these days anyway!

Happy Sunday everyone!!

[OC_Hope]

Hi Coly –
I've been reading here for a year and this is my first reply. I saw you just had one year apart from your husband... On May 22nd of last year, my wife dropped the bomb by showing up in Vegas sans wedding ring.

She went straight to divorce, getting her own place and leaving all of her highly personal items at home. She's always kept everything that's ever been sentimental to her - letters, cards, baby clothes & toys from her childhood and our three kids. She left them all behind - and she has trouble recalling memories about the kid's childhood now.

Last Sept she left the kids and I for two months, and only returned after a scary car accident that she still can't seem to tell a straight story about. Since then she's gradually tried to reacquaint herself with the kids and mend the broken relationship. The Teenagers are still leery of her efforts but while inconsistent, she's trying really hard.

Just recently I decided it would be financially necessary for me to give up my apartment and move in with my brother for a few months and squirrel away some money to pay down debt from the divorce (She signed away physical custody of three kids in January so I'm free to go). The original plan was we'd come back for the following school year so eldest daughter could finish last year in high school.

About a month ago she started to show signs of wanting to come back to the family. She indicated she wanted to move with us, but to actually stay there and start all over instead of coming back. I welcomed the idea and started to make plans only to frighten her off as I became impatient she would not break up with her boyfriend and spend time with the kids and I.

Now she's run back to her boyfriend and wants to keep this other life more than starting a new one with us.

I feel like all of my patience and kindness just vaporized as I became jealous and pushy as frustration took over. Now she's scheduled to see a lawyer and I fear she's going to try to take me to court to prevent the kids and me from leaving.

I don't know what to do now. I've already broken my lease and my worry is if I leave she's going to get even more embedded with the OM. She's destroyed all of her relationships with family and friends. I know she's lonely and this new guy is all she has left if the kids and I leave.

Anyway, I'm venting. I'm scared and angry with myself for getting excited too quickly.

My gut says I should just go to 180 and do absolutely nothing, go to brother's place as planned, and let her do whatever she's going to do – But I'm open to suggestion.

[job]

OC_Hope,

I'm sorry you are here, but this is a really good place to come to when you need someone to listen and support you. So, with that in mind, why not create a thread and allow us to be there for you? Creating your own thread will allow others to post to you and get to know you, as well as offer advice, support and yes, those 2 X 4's when they are needed.

I look forward to reading a thread created by you.

[roist]

Colt, I don't see it as chasing if you contact to clarify an offer he has made. That being said maybe the best DB approach would be to see what suits you (& D) and let that decide things. If ye both are available and willing, let H know it will be the two of you joining him.

I like that you have gotten to a place where meeting him is not the most important and unmissable event that could happen. That is great. Taking H off center stage will remove unseen pressure from the situation. Continue as you are . Let him h lead but don't just follow his lead. As I said before, don't always be available. But there is more to it. Let him initiate and take care of most details but have an input from time to time. This can range from subltyhinting a restaurant you may like to try to deciding outright where you want to meet.

Glad you have snapped out of being lethargic. Keep moving

Best wishes