Leaving it up to God (but still interfering!)

[Coly23]

Journaling - so had lunch with H today. It was really nice.

There were a few awkward silences but I remembered my 180 and didn't try and fill it with useless waffle! Also I tried not to take over the conversation and just let him and D talk but he did ask me lots of questions too. Also, I managed to not try to arrange another time to see him but I did get a kiss and a hug again both at the beginning and the end. I noticed he still always kisses me on the lips but everyone else, including D, on the cheek.

I texted him afterwards and thanked him for lunch as he paid and expected the usual, not giving you any hope type of response of 'Yep, it was nice'. Instead I got a 'Your welcome' and a smilie blushy face which is very different for him! I think he is starting to relax but I'm not sure how to be with him now. It seems to be so much easier with the spew and anger. At least I know where I am with that. Now it just seems as if we are friends and I'm feeling a little lost. I'm trying to convince myself that this is how you move forward with potentially a new relationship, building on the friendship. I'm scared of this new stage but I'm not entirely sure if it is the start of something or nothing.

I think the only way I will know is if he starts to contact me. I really need to back of and let him come to me but it us soooo hard! I hope I left him with some good feelings today.

Happy Sunday everyone!!!

[OwnIt]

Coly, this sounds so wonderful. I sense a truly wonderful love story here. It seems like when you are able to hold back and not overwhelm him that he is able to put himself out there more and more.

[Coly23]

Hey OwnIt, thanks so much for your encouraging words.

It has taken me such a long time to stop pushing him into doing what I want him to do and I've realised that it wasn't getting me anywhere. Getting to this stage wasn't a conscious decision, I think I am just ready.

Although at this stage I am not sure if there is any love story it is obviously better than it has been. He is thawing but it could just be that he is a nice guy, I don't know. I still had a little cry this afternoon because I had such a lovely time with him. It is so bittersweet....

[Sotto]

I'm glad you guys had a good meeting and I'm sure your H will reflect on that - even if he may not say anything? Good for you sitting back a little more and not suggesting another meet up and not jumping in and filling the gaps etc - that is growth I think..

From all that you post, I think your greatest challenge is to sit back and let him initiate more. To accept that he has some stuff going on and your R may be sporadic for now. Try not to see this as the potential 'start of something' - because that immediately sets you up for growing expectations...

I would say let him be for a couple of weeks now - and who knows he may get in touch and suggest doing something else. If not, you can see where you are at and maybe suggest another get together. But in the meantime, make some lovely plans just for you and enjoy what life has to offer.

Xx

[Coly23]

Het Sotto, great to hear from you.

You are right off course about my expectations. When I got back home I had to stop the urge to ask him if he wanted to do something this week and instead I just thanked him for a nice lunch. It was extremely hard though. I ended up painting my hall way to keep temptation at bay!

I think that's a really good idea to back off for a couple of weeks initially. At least doing it this way it doesn't mean I am going NC for an indefinite period which is always hard. I am so hoping that he will reflect on our lunch today in a positive way. We did have a couple laughs especially when I retold the story of D and some shoes she needed to take back to the shop. Although she hadn't worn them anywhere other than in front of the mirror in her bedroom when it came time to put them back in the carrier bag she could only find one shoe! We hunted high and low to no avail! We were in stitches!

So, I don't see many sitches where the WAS and LBS are on friendly terms so I don't know what the success rate would be for reconciliation but I am hoping that friendship is the first stage. But like I said before, this could be something and nothing but I am afraid that we will get stuck in this stage because this is all he wants.

I need to stop thinking of what might be and just live in the now, I need to keep reminding myself if that ...

[job]

Coly,
Friendship is the very first stage. Think back to when you met your h...you were friends first and then went on to something more involved.

I would suggest that you back off for a couple of weeks and allow him to contact you first. Do not be the first one to break that non-communication. You knows you so well and is counting on you to be the first one to do the contacting. Change it up a bit and do a 180 and wait it out. Trust me, he's not going anywhere.

Think of life this way...the past is history, the present is a gift of time and the future is a mystery and one that will unfold when it's ready.

[skm0619]

Coly.....sounds like you are in a good place right now. That is so great

I totally understand about the expectations and wanting to call or make contact. I remember thinking of things just so I could have a reason to contact H.

As hard as it is, we definitely need to pull back....I know I need to as well. A couple of weeks should be easy, right? Painting your hallway....that is definitely keeping yourself busy

I'm not sure about you, but after meeting with H I usually feel a bit better. I get myself so worked up before seeing him because I am thinking "what if I say the wrong thing" or "what if I respond in a way that upsets him" or "will this be the time he asks to come home." All that does is set me back, and I have come so far. So have you Coly, and you are doing great.

I like what Job said...."trust me, he's not going anywhere"

[Coly23]

Hey SKM, thanks for the visit!

I know I do need to pull back with the contact. I was doing so well and then I contacted him (ugh!). I just miss him so much. Not beng able to express your feelings to the person you love is so hard!

I know what you mean about how you spin before you see H and then it is okay. I get terribly nervous and then afterwards I get a real adrenaline crash like I am having today. Lots of memories of the things he said to me last year come bubbling to the surface. This then causes the doubts to creep in, anger, resentment, hurt, I feel like I'm going to cry at the drop of a hat!

Still on that roller coaster!

[skm0619]

Hey Coly.....just checking in to see how you are doing?

[Coly23]

Hey SKM, thanks for checking in.

I'm okay I guess, just feeling a bit sad and tearful today. This weekend will be a year since H left. It has gone so quickly and I feel like I have been through the worst year of my life. I see where you are with your H now and how long it has taken to get here and it scares me even if I ever get to the stage where he contacts me! I just want to go to sleep for the whole of the next year!

Journaling: I met for coffee with the wife if H's friend who I fell out with and haven't seen since last September. It went really well and my intention was to not bring H up at all and I wish I had communicated that to her before. I just thought if I didn't say anything then she wouldn't.

Anyway she told me he is moving out of his apartment and renting one with off road parking as the one he is in now doesn't have any. At first I was a bit shocked as we had only seen him a week ago and he said nothing and then I just felt sad because he is still out there wanting to live his life without us.

He also seemed to have indicated his preference for living somewhere with very low maintenance as he commented to our friends that they should think of getting an apartment to because then they wouldn't have to spend time working in the garden! With three kids that's not really an option! He seems to make these digs (no pun intended!) about gardens for some reason. When we looked at our property it was his choice. I wasn't keen at first because it was an older property that needed a lot of work but he was so excited because of the large garden! Fast forward to BD he says one of the reasons he was leaving me was because we had nothing in common because: I LIKED GARDENING AND HE DIDN'T!!! I had to like gardening because if I didn't do it no one else would. Considering we got a gardener to take the pressure of him having to mow it is just beggars belief!!

Anyway she said he only sees friends who he thinks will support him in his life choices. She said they hardly see him and when the do they have very little to talk about and if they mention me he totally clams up. Apparently he goes out drinking a lot even drinking with the 18 year old son of a friend when he comes hoping from uni. I think he is in total replay still. She said she asked him to umpire a kids hockey game for her once and he turned up very hungover consequently making some bad decisions.

One of the dilemas I have is that when I met him for coffee he also said he hardly sees our friends because they don't invite him round because they expect him to drop by whenever. My friend also said he said this to them when they questioned why they don't see him very much. He just said because they don't invite him. I think H doesn't like being the host or the initiator; he always wants to be invited and be the guest. He has always been lazy like this. All the dinner parties we had were at my suggestion he never initiated. He likes to be invited so he does not have to do any of the work before, during or after. When we first started dating it wasn't really like dating as I had my D so we only ever saw each other when she was with her dad as at first I didn't want him to be part of her life until I was sure about it all. So really he was on my timetable so he didn't actually ask me out on dates. Boy, I feel like I missed a huge trick there!

Do you think this is why he doesn't suggest anything but when I do he is straight over here? How do I handle this then?

Anyway. She kind of apologised to me for how she made me feel last year. She said she just couldn't handle seeing me going around in circles when she could see how much H was hurting me. I validated but said that people deal with things differently and that I had to come to any conclusions and decisions myself. She said said understood. She also said (and I had to really bite my lip to prevent myself from sobbing) that this split has left a huge hole in their lives and they are also grieving the loss. She said they miss us very much and they want us to be part of their lives again.

She told me she thought I looked great especially how slim I looked albeit a little to skinny (I lost a stone since BD and am now about 100lbs ) she even asked if we wanted to go on holiday with them which was lovely but we have already booked ours and the one she has booked is way over our budget! I really hope we can start to rebuild our friendship again. It's a start I guess...

In other news. D had her practice hair styling for her prom yesterday. She came home and tried on her dress to see the full effect and OMG, I nearly had to go find a red carpet and roll it out for her she looked soo glamorous!!!

I have nearly finished decorating the hall and I am very pleased with it. I really want some new internal doors and am considering asking H if he will go halves. What do you think. Good idea, bad idea?

Happy Sunday everyone!!