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Previous Thread:

Leaving it up to God (I think!)

Thanks Job, for linking my thread, you are the best! grin

Story so far - H has been gone a year this month. I decided to do a 180 (a suggested by DB coach last year but I was not ready to take that action) and sent him a text last week after six weeks of no contact and told him that I hoped he didn't think I was holding his things hostage in the house and that he can come and pick them up anytime he wanted. H responded that he did not think there was a hostage situation and asked if I wanted to go for coffee at the weekend. crazy

My mind started working overtime wondering why he wanted to meet. I though it might be the big D, OW, sell the house etc, etc. Altair, said she didn't think he would talk about any of those things and she was right. Just general chit chat. I pushed at the end of coffee and mentioned about when he thought he would come over to get his stuff. He stammered and wasn't quite sure. Then I got a text last night that he would come over today and to leave a key. I panicked and became all needy and clingy and was about to send a very needy, clingy text this morning when OwnIt grabbed me by the shoulders and made me pull myself together! eek

When I got home from work I noticed he had taken all his suits because I said it was a shame that all his expensive suits are just sitting in a wardrobe. I noticed he did not take anything else but he tidied up his clothes that were in the baskets in the wardrobe and folded them away neatly.

I really do think he might have lost it! The only reason he has taken his suits is because I suggested it. I don't really understand! I told him he can keep the key for the time being and he thanked me. I would rather he just took his stuff without having to make a big deal of it each time.

I feel better about it than I thought I would. It's just fear of the unknown that makes me panic but at the end of the day it's just clothes. D was upset that I suggested he takes his suits but then she also thinks he has gone mad when she saw all the clothes he had left behind folded neatly!

What does this all mean? He is definitely still way down in the rabbit hole or is he? I have been reading Alisuddenly's thread from 2008 and for a year her H held her at arms length like my H is doing to me although her H did communicate with her a lot for a few months and it was looking positive. However the reason he was confused and indifferent towards her was because he was weighing up a potential OW and eventually he took the plunge. So all the time she thought he was moving towards her he was having an EA which then turned into an PA. All that time she couldn't understand why after 9 years she did not affect him at all. The reason why I am mentioning her sitch is because I still think H might have OP in the wings waiting and that is why I do not affect him when he sees me.

I know that I feel stronger today than I did yesterday but its such an uphill struggle. But I know all I can do is keep moving forward. I still love him with all my heart and miss him terribly but I know I will be okay. I also know and have to forgive myself that every now and again I will backslide but that is the only way I will learn.

Thanks for reading guys. I appreciate your patience with me!

Happy Tuesday everyone!!

Last edited by job; 05/09/17 03:42 PM. Reason: Add link to previous thread

Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

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Originally Posted By: Coly23

Story so far - H has been gone a year this month. I decided to do a 180 (a suggested by DB coach last year but I was not ready to take that action) and sent him a text last week after six weeks of no contact and told him that I hoped he didn't think I was holding his things hostage in the house and that he can come and pick them up anytime he wanted. H responded that he did not think there was a hostage situation and asked if I wanted to go for coffee at the weekend. crazy
...
What does this all mean? He is definitely still way down in the rabbit hole or is he? ...

I know that I feel stronger today than I did yesterday but its such an uphill struggle. But I know all I can do is keep moving forward. I still love him with all my heart and miss him terribly but I know I will be okay. I also know and have to forgive myself that every now and again I will backslide but that is the only way I will learn.

Thanks for reading guys. I appreciate your patience with me!

Happy Tuesday everyone!!


Hello Coly23,

I'm glad you went with the 180 that your DB Coach suggested.

You are so smart to recognize that backsliding happens! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.

Please call me at 303-444-7004 when you would like to schedule another session with your Divorce Busting Telephone Coach.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Coly.....it sounds like you did a great job with the meeting with H. I hope you feel good about how you handled the situation and yourself smile

I know that after I saw H after not seeing for an extended period, I had this moment when I started to feel better about our sitch. I had put this idea in my head that he was off having this great, carefree, fun filled life without me.....when in reality that was the farthest thing from the truth.

All we can do is continue to move forward...one day at a time, and not be so hard on ourselves. Easier said then do smile I have learned that we (the LBS) have definitely made more progress in things then our partners have. We are learning to deal with things, even though it has been very difficult, and they are stuck in this pattern and don't want to get out of it.

I remember telling my H, "one day when you finally decide to take a good long look at who you have become, and what you have done, you will definitely not like what you see." He is just now starting that process and is not liking what he is seeing at all.

Be proud of how you are handling yourself, and how you are taking care of you and your D.

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Coly23 - sending you a big hug because I don't have a lot helpful to say other than "been there - seen that".

You may remember that my STBX left her stuff which I presume she knew I had packed up in boxes in the front porch for 8 months. Previously she had asked for one of her recipe books and mused about her winter coats. There's still some exercise equipment there and the neighbours and I have made some somewhat unkind jokes about her perhaps needing it because of the weight she's put back on.

I forget who said it but it was probably job - "don't try to understand crazy". Personally I think that there's a massive disconnect in their brains between fairy-tale princess (or prince) land that they live in at least part of the time and "realsville" where we live. I've also read here a bunch of times that they expect the world to stand still while they are off. In my case there was and presumably still is an active affair going on - although after this time I chose to just think of el douche as her new guy - and she still wouldn't remove her stuff. For you, I don't know - he's perhaps just lost in the fog but not looking for a way out of it.

I hope that helps you at least know that this is very much not unique to you. I remember Jack_3_Beans writing to me that he ended up dumping his W's stuff on her doorstep - and that she was much less than impressed.

I know that for a long time I held on to the crumbs of hope that with her stuff still in the house that she hadn't let go and was planning on coming back. Those crumbs all turned to dust a while ago. I don't know for sure why she did come for the stuff in March but at least I now have that rope dropped. I suspect that if you want his stuff gone you'll have to box it up which will be very painful and instruct him to get it before you donate it.

((Coly23))


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BD-9-Mar-16
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Coly,
Many of them only take a few things and generally the items they take are things that we have mentioned to them. Their old lives are not currently on their radar, but when something is mentioned, it becomes something that is here and now.

When my xh left, he only took a uniform for one, some undies and one pair of jeans and shirt...that was it. All of his stuff was still in the house put away or hung up. He would venture back to the house periodically and the only way that I knew he was here is when the neighbor told me that he had come and stayed for over an hour. Nothing was ever out of place. I even stopped dusting to see if I could figure out what he was doing. The computer was pass word protected and the TV was on the channel I selected. The only thing I could figure out was that he was coming here to sleep. He always left before I arrived home.

As for his clothes, it took me several weeks to get him to finally come and get all of his clothes, etc. My mother packed him up (neatly) in black garbage bags and placed the stuff in the detached garage. It took him several trips, but he got it all and then claimed he was still missing personal stuff...not one bit...he had it all.

I will mention this because it has happened many times here...you need to take an inventory of your home to ensure that he's not taken something other than his clothes. They do tend to take things that you won't notice until you need them. The things they take do not make sense to us because they aren't thinking rationally and if they see something that strikes their fancy, they will take it.

So, the bottom line is this...you can't rationalize with irrational behavior. The best thing you can do is ensure that your personal papers are stored elsewhere since he still has a key. Password protect your computer, Ipad, etc. They love to snoop, but they don't want us doing it to them.

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Coly, mine plays a game about wanting to come get the pressure washer and his Vitamix. Still here. He did take the camping stuff and his weight stuff I had dumped in the garage. I guess that is progress. Also, he takes movies sometimes and then brings them back. Guess he thinks that it is a lending library. Apparently this is common with breakups. Not just MLC. They want an excuse to come back. I don't know why mine uses it. He has finally figured out that all he has to say is that he wants to see the kids.

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Thanks SKM, AP (shout out for my DB buddy!), Job and OwnIt. You all seem to have similar experiences and advice! It's amazing how similar and different our sitches can be at the same time!

I know the leaving stuff behind can mean something and nothing and I know my H, he is quite lazy when it comes to doing something that involves a lot of work! I imagine when he comes to sort out his paperwork especially it will be like pulling teeth!!

So I reached out to H again today (sorry!) and asked if he wanted to come for lunch on Sunday. In a roundabout way I want to show him that I am okay with not doing the regular family time thing anymore but I am happy to invite him over once in a while. Also I want to prove to myself that I can say bye to him afterwards without it being too painful or wanting to make sure I have something else arranged with him before he leaves. This is how the text convo went (I was a bit surprised to say the least!):

Coly - Morning! Do you want to come for Sunday lunch? Xx

H ( 6 hours later) - Hiya! Sorry but I'm watching the football with *friend* on Sunday (last game for Spurs at their football ground). How about dinner on Monday? My shout. Xx

Coly - oh sorry I didn't realise! I'll let you know about Monday as D starts her exams next week. I'll still take her out Sunday anyway for a pre-exam lunch. Last meal of a condemned man type of thing!! Xx

H - That sounds good, I'll see if I can change plans for Sunday....no point going out during her exams. Xx

I am slightly shocked that firstly he told me exactly what he was doing as usually he would just say 'Sorry, I can't make it' with no detail and secondly he so easily changed his plans even though he made it sound important! Last game at their football ground etc... !!

Anyway D has been really grumpy because she is so stressed about her exams. She refused to eat her dinner tonight because in her words everything is just sh!t!! I am not looking forward to the next two months at all!! Wish me luck!!

Happy nearly weekend everyone!!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Coly.....sounds like you are doing okay smile

I remember when I kicked my H out after BD. He only asked for a few things (some socks, shorts, tshirts...those type of things) and he left everything else. I literally had to bag things up and drop them off at the place he was staying at that time.

One day I got so tired of looking at his clothes hanging in our closet, and all the other reminders of him, that I bagged everything up that could be, threw away things he didn't even remember he had, and put it in the garage and called him and told him to come and get it or I would be donating it.

He finally came over to pick his stuff up, but didn't want to take everything. I told him, "no, you are taking all of it." I literally carried some things out to his truck, and he would bring some things back in because he "wasn't ready to take them yet." He actually said to me "I don't want to take all of this because then it makes all of this so final".....ya think?!?!? That statement came from the same man, who 2 days after BD was the one who told me he hadn't been in love with me for the last 3 years of our marriage, and wanted a D crazy

I don't know if anyone can really explain why they do the things they do, or say the things they say smirk

Remember, just keep focusing on you and your D smile

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Coly, have you read the Hope06 posts. That woman was amazing. She was positively convinced her H was coming back and sure enough he did. He postivity, much like Alisuddenly's sheer determination, definitely give some insight into how to make a difference. However, Alisuddenly's H seemed to tell her when she came back that the various things she did really didn't matter. At the end of the day it came down to his love for her and her plucky spirit and that she was not mean to him. Even then when he knew it was the right thing to do, it took him many months to return.

I'm going to make a confession here, no doubt one I will regret. I fully believe that my H will try to come back at some point (I'm not predicting when). I am just not sure there will be an open door for him.

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Hey SKM, your H did sound confused especially saying he didn't want to take everything as it would be so final. If he wanted D why would that be an issue?!! I don't think your H wants to let go of you but his pride is getting in the way of taking any steps towards you. JMHO...

We haven't had an update from you recently SKM, how's it going anyway?

OwnIt. I think I understand what you are saying. There really isn't anything I do that will influence my H returning it's all down to him? However I guess DB is about not making it worse so in case there is a chance... I think I have read
Hope 06, but I've read so many I can't keep track!!!

I like your confession. Secretly I think your H will come back too. IMHO he seems a bit like a petulant child acting up to show you he doesn't care. But he does and the less attention you show him the less fuel he has for their fire..

Journaling. Feeling a little tearful today. It was D's last day at school before her exams so the end of an era. I bought her a card and a small bottle of bubbly to mark the occasion and left it in her room for when she got back from school. She said she cried when she read the card. I reminded her of when she started school at the age of four and one day she came home in her summer dress and when I was getting her ready for her bath I noticed she had a pair of pants on that I didn't remember buying for her. She confessed that she had forgotten to put any on when she got dressed that morning (even though I laid everything out for her) so when they all sat on the mat at school for 'golden time' it became very clear that she was going commando!! It still makes me laugh now!

So my tears are also because I miss having someone to share all this with. I don't know if H feels like he is missing out but he really isn't showing it. D made me take her out to dinner tonight which stopped me from moping at home. I also got to have a nice glass of wine....

Happy Friday everyone!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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