Overall, a good life update, Pinn! I'm glad you were able to enjoy the wedding(s). I completely get how you would be feeling sitting next to ww at the wedding. The Vows get me every time. For better or worse, in sickness and in health..... Uch. Empty promises. Not only that, everyone says marriage is hard, and yet, people leave at the drop of the hat for the possibility of something better. I could go on and on, but I won't!
I imagine that you are still processing so many things with your life. You've had many blows in the last 2 years and yet you seem to be approaching things the best you possibly can. That's the best you can do. I'm sure it's difficult. Just stay true to yourself and your heart. Continue to grieve if needed, and continue to move forward with your life at your pace.
You're doing great. Peace!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
So this weekend I had planned to talk to WW, try to get things on the move one way or another. I had noticed a slight change in her behavior but when you have lived this for 20 years, you really can pick up subtle things. Anyway, she beat me to it and wanted to talk tonight.
She just blurts out how stressed out she is about us. So the switch in my head instantly goes off and I know this is probably not going to go in a good direction. She starts getting back into how she doesn't know how the physical part can be fixed. Felt like the same conversation as two years ago too me. So I validate, we chat. I tell her about the trust issues and how there is no trust there for me. Talk a bit about MC and she was kind of luke warm on that now. I feel like both people have to want the marriage to work for MC to be effective. She was saying she thinks it helps see if it can work. So I dunno, I see where she was coming from there but just not sure I agree. I said I am willing to work on it, and I know it will be very hard, but I am willing to that. .
Anyway, don't want to bore with all the details. It was about an hour long convo that needed to be had. Either way we have to move things forward here. So I was OK with it, though I got the impression she wants to move forward with D. I felt like she was looking for me to agree, which I will not do. I did tell her that once things were finalized, that we would not be able to talk again. Lots of tears from her, but I made a promise to myself that I would not cry in front of here again and kept it!
She did complain that I have not been initiating things much the past few months. Makes me wish I handled things a bit differently the past year but not sure it would have mattered. This is not the worst case scenario. This is much better than pushing the can down the road and going through this again in 3-4 years.
I just want to get out of limbo either way. I am tired and drained. I have been blah since my Mom passed and need to pick it up! I was thinking about maybe some Ju Jitsu classes. Something new would be good.
Dating is scary for me. Been a long time and never really been in a relationship with anyone other than WW. PAX HELP! haha The whole physical thing bothers me. WW blames that as the main reason for our relationship going south so I take a lot of that blame personally. She says she never had a problem with anyone else, so in my mind that leaves me as the main issue. Now I feel like I am going to be stressed with anyone else... ugh!
Looks like dealing with the f'n felon for the past year was unnecessary if WW feels this way. Had a nice run in with him again last weekend btw... story for another day though. Really annoying how she flip flops. Either lets work on things or not, lets go.
Hey Pinn, I'm so sorry to hear this update from you. I was so hoping that you and your W would find a way to work things out however I can see how this can be difficult when you are trying to navigate through all the hurt and damage that has already been done.
At the end of the way you need to do what is right for you and if it feels right to walk away after putting in all the effort that you have and getting nothing back then maybe it is time.
((Pinn))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Pinn Seems we both dealt with the flip flopping. Happy you are at least getting something sorted either way. I will update you on mine soon but not today!
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Yea super annoying. The flip flopping has been going on for 20 years... and I am tired of it. I'm exhausted. If she wants to go talk to someone, guess I am game. But if not I am ready to get this show on the road but she needs to push the buttons. I want this to be 100% on her. I can find someone how I can make happy and can make me happy!
I kind of posted something along these lines in my thread, not completely relatable, but kinda'. Just something to chew on as it's been on my mind as well.
I have no answers for you. Just be true to yourself. What is the goal in going to counseling? I only ask because my ex wanted counseling as a means to not be an active participant in solving our problems. He expected a therapist to do the work...... And when progress didn't happen, he raised his hands in the air saying "even therapy didn't work" thus taking zero responsibility for the breakdown in the m.
I hope you and your ww are in the position where you both want to work on this together, but you're both stuck for x,y,z reasons so you are going to counseling to get some help on how to work through these issues together. Make sure you have a goal in mind!
I have a feeling that all will work out as it should for you, Pinn. You've been such a peaceful DB warrior throughout your journey. You got this! Whatever this is.
Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
I have no answers for you. Just be true to yourself. What is the goal in going to counseling? I only ask because my ex wanted counseling as a means to not be an active participant in solving our problems. He expected a therapist to do the work...... And when progress didn't happen, he raised his hands in the air saying "even therapy didn't work" thus taking zero responsibility for the breakdown in the m.
Thanks Pax as always :-). This is what I am worried about. She was all in with going but never followed through for months. Now she was so wishy washy about it I don't even want to go. My goal would be to work on this physical issue and any underlying issues so we could have a happy marriage. Her goal seems to now be to go and see *if* we can work this out. That slight difference is huge in my mind. My guess (and I here go freaking mind reading) is that there is a new man in the picture. This fits the pattern too perfectly. I don't even really blame her, I mean it's been over a year of nothing happening with us.
I am just so tired and beaten down over the last 20 years. I can't take it anymore. She just flip flops back and forth so much. ugh! I am really worried about this hurting a future relationship... I am going to be so freaking gun shy. No one is attracted to that! I am so done with this and my years and years of mistakes... no more!
Yesterday, we had no contact for a full day for the first time in forever. If this follows the typical pattern, I wouldn't expect any contact from her for days.
and I hate how she brings up the physical thing all the time. It is pretty embarrassing. She is super hot, like how can that be a problem? But now it is such an issue that I am scared to try and even do anything with her. It is so built up in our heads now maybe there really is no going back from it.
Hi Pinn, I'm sorry to read this update. Really, I do feel the WAS needs to be 'all in' for there to be a good chance of restoring things. And 20 years is a long time for you guys to be 'off and on.' Can I ask if that has been a pattern with you both? I noticed your thread mentioned 6 years together 'this time.' May I ask how many times that has happened? Just interested in possible behaviour patterns and loops really.
The question I want to ask you is 'who is driving your bus?' From what you post it sounds to me as though you are giving away some of your personal power to her and looking to her to do something - recommit, end it totally or whatever. Sometimes we can feel rather powerless in situations, where actually we are unique and talented individuals with many choices.
This may be a good time to think about setting yourself some goals independent of her. What would you like to do that you haven't yet done? Why not commit to doing these things in the coming few months?
Also, I"d like to reassure you that you sound like an attractive guy and it will certainly be possible for you to have a full and satisfying relationship with a lovely woman in future. I promise you that!! And if you want to work through any insecurities you may have (and we all do!) in the meantime, to support your own wellbeing, well go for it.
I would like to recommend dancing to you as a lovely way of getting out and meeting people. It has been a fantastic help to me in rebuilding confidence and getting back in touch with my free spirit side. The dancing community is a friendly one, and loves to welcome anyone who enjoys or wants to dance. It's a great way to get out, get fitter, socialise, exercise your brain and just enjoy moving to the music. This week I did a Rueda class which was great fun.
I'm also conscious this must have been a rough time for you after losing your Mum, so of course this will have contributed to how you have been feeling too. Perhaps it may be of benefit to see a grief counsellor and talk through how you feel?
Anyway, please know that good things do lie ahead for you my friend and take care, and keep moving forward towards them.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks for stopping by Sotto and giving me some food for thought.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
Hi Pinn, I'm sorry to read this update. Really, I do feel the WAS needs to be 'all in' for there to be a good chance of restoring things. And 20 years is a long time for you guys to be 'off and on.' Can I ask if that has been a pattern with you both? I noticed your thread mentioned 6 years together 'this time.' May I ask how many times that has happened? Just interested in possible behaviour patterns and loops really.
Funny you ask because this came up in our conversation. So we were together in high school. Then she ended things quickly right when she entered college (of course!). So in our convo she said we were not together for 8 years in between (ie 2001-2009)... OK technically true. But we were together 3-4 times in between that period for months with only the title not being official but everything else was like we were together. What would happen is that everything would be good then all of the sudden she would just stop communicating with me... like nothing. As I returned home from FL from grad school in 2008, she got a BF right as I was about to return after us talking for months before I returned. A few months into that relationship it ended and she immediately jumped into a relationship with another guy (another complete loser). So I said forget it, I am done. Had no contact with her for months, about 9 I think. Actually did a lot of DB'ing in that time. She ended things with this guy for one reason or another and before she had even fully moved out, she called me. I was like what are you going to do here, knowing if I picked up that call what the future would bring. I picked up the call and here I am. So we were together for about 3 years and I just found out she cheated on me then. Things were odd with her there and I lot it was over then. Then 3 years later she left again. So I have had to put a number on it... I would say this general thing has happened 4 and half times (this last time is a weird one to count).
So yea... I think there is a pattern for both of us. My pattern is sitting around. That is over now, I am not doing it anymore. Her pattern is crazy. She is very impulsive, crazy impulsive. Not all the time, just when these things happen. She had 6 months left of college at one point, quit school and moved down to FL to be with a guy she just met. Then getting involved with the felon this time and the way she ended things. All on impulse. Since our first relationship, I do not think she has been single for more than a couple of months at a time.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
The question I want to ask you is 'who is driving your bus?' From what you post it sounds to me as though you are giving away some of your personal power to her and looking to her to do something - recommit, end it totally or whatever. Sometimes we can feel rather powerless in situations, where actually we are unique and talented individuals with many choices.
Yea that is true. I mean I def want her to make the decision to end it so she can live with that. But it is to the point where I am just about done with all of this. How much can someone take? I don't even want to talk right now because I am afraid some vicious stuff will pop out. I am very angry with myself with the choices I have made in the past with her. This outcome was obvious to anyone. My choice was always to let things play out because I do love her very much. It's funny, my mom said a few months before she passed that I was infatuated with her looks and not seeing the real person. I guess that could be true. But I do think she has a good heart.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
This may be a good time to think about setting yourself some goals independent of her. What would you like to do that you haven't yet done? Why not commit to doing these things in the coming few months?
Also, I"d like to reassure you that you sound like an attractive guy and it will certainly be possible for you to have a full and satisfying relationship with a lovely woman in future. I promise you that!! And if you want to work through any insecurities you may have (and we all do!) in the meantime, to support your own wellbeing, well go for it.
I would like to recommend dancing to you as a lovely way of getting out and meeting people. It has been a fantastic help to me in rebuilding confidence and getting back in touch with my free spirit side. The dancing community is a friendly one, and loves to welcome anyone who enjoys or wants to dance. It's a great way to get out, get fitter, socialise, exercise your brain and just enjoy moving to the music. This week I did a Rueda class which was great fun.
I'm also conscious this must have been a rough time for you after losing your Mum, so of course this will have contributed to how you have been feeling too. Perhaps it may be of benefit to see a grief counsellor and talk through how you feel?
Anyway, please know that good things do lie ahead for you my friend and take care, and keep moving forward towards them.
I guess I can go back to DB 101 and come up with some personal goals. I want to leave the MEMS microphone world and enter medical devices for a more rewarding career. I could focus on that and of course all my fitness activities. And maybe do something to get my mind straight in regards to this sex thing (so annoying!). Though I have no idea how to start there. I actually thought about dancing when everything first happened. I think I need something to let this aggression out at the moment, maybe boxing. Anyway, thanks for listening and giving me things to think about! (sorry about the rambling!)
