I hear what your saying. Been focusing on GAL. Plan on stepping it up going to two events planned this week. And spending time with S13. Actually got S13 to enjoy hiking. Though to be honest, I think just enjoys spending time with me. This kid likes to compete with everything. Which reminds how I always did the same with my own father at that age.
Pretty sure in S13 mind everything is back on track with his parents. Probably just assumes everything got weird in December and somehow we worked it all out. Finding this site and another with the same basic concept definitely helped me to make the moves to at least bring peace to my household.
I'm not an expert and am in the same place as you. Here's what I have done about the 180 and being distant. I am still giving him his distance, but when he does reach out I am much more upbeat and positive in how I respond. Before I was more perfunctory. He has been reaching out a lot more lately (not all good) but I think that is more a function of where he is in his cycle rather than anything I'm doing, but who knows. We have to experiment right?
In a talk he initiated this weekend I also expressly told him that because he was the one who chose to exit the relationship and has been unkind that he needs to understand that he will be initiating anything that happens between us (he was expressing anger about not knowing about things going on that he never asked me about). To top it off I also told him I was not going to have any conversations with him in which he is not looking me in the eye. I'm sick to death of those shark eyes and feet stares. I was able to do this because I honestly don't care if I ever see or talk to him again. He has no power over me. That is the best way of dealing with limbo I've been able to find.
You make a good point. The rules indicate that I should be vague. But since my W is transparent, I will continue to do the same. Nothing to hide, just trying to come off as mysterious I suppose. Thanks.
If your spouse has ended contact with the OM and is being transparent, you don't have to act as secretive in GAL. If she is genuinely trying to work at reconciling the MR, she could feel it was unfair.
BTW, the "rules" were not really designed for couples who are in the "piecing" stage of their MR. In other words, when the spouse is remorseful; has accepted responsibility for their behavior; wants to earn your trust; and are committed to do the necessary work in saving the MR, (ended affair and all contact with the AP, stop acting like girls gone wild, cooperating with transparency, going to therapy, etc), then you will be in the piecing stage. . However, there are some rules that could still be used, when necessary.
Some LBS's are so eager to get to piecing that they bypass some of these things I've mentioned. Piecing is very hard work, so you had better have those other issues fixes before considering yourself as piecing.
P.S. I'm not saying you were considering yourself piecing, Thread. Just wanted to throw that in here while I was thinking about it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the heads up on piecing. Don't really see things heading in that direction anytime soon. Haven't really seen any trace of OM. Not really taking that to mean anything at the moment because they could easily get back in contact by weeks end. But was just wondering what new steps to take or what's currently going on in the mind of WW? Going to continue to step up GAL.
I was feeling a little too soft earlier. But I am feeling much better now in regards to DB'ing. Especially after reading a few threads this morning. Found out yesterday that W had been texting someone under the name Anonymous. I wasn't snooping, but W had accidently left the phone open when she ran off to the bathroom(a long story within itself). There wasn't any messages sent, but clearly she was about to start messaging, but got interrupting when I walked up to the table. Not sure if this is OM or a new local OM.
So my dilemma was whether I should confront W about it. And decided to wait 24 hours to weigh my options. After about 10 hours, I decided to let the issue go. Figured things were going well with us over the last couple of weeks. So I didn't want to rock the boat over an issue that would have led to an argument that wouldn't have gone anywhere. Not sure if this passive move is what's best. But I'm going to live with this decision for now.
Ignoring these things have been the hardest part of my journey. I was raised to ignore all types of disrespect, so I have literally had to retrain my whole thought process. A little difficult at first. But now its become extremely easy. I question myself on certain things on occasion. But surprisingly I'm doing well and have seen the results of it. My parents and my siblings think I done went crazy with this new attitude...lol
As you all know Mother's Day is approaching this weekend. And I was wondering if I should bother getting anything for my WW? Also her birthday is the week after that. So I'm wondering if I should bother doing anything for her on that day as well. Planned on doing something originally. But last night I told her that she was beautiful. And apparently W says that the look I gave while saying that was no longer applicable. Since my role as H was no longer the same to her. So I'm wondering if no longer applicable also applies to cards and gifts as well?
Tread, maybe Sandy will have a different view of how you treat women in these situations, but I would do nothing. For Father's Day and perhaps his birthday I will just have the kids write him a card (if they will). He fired me as his wife. I don't owe him anything and I certainly don't want him to think I am pursuing him. Perhaps these little reminders will wake her up to what it means to have no Tread in her life.
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