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Formerly cheating wife wants to leave marriage, but some folks that it was a bit judgmental.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2739632#Post2739632

Stumbled upon this site a few weeks ago and have finally decided to request the assistance of the group. The basic break down is been married to W for 14 years and together almost 17 years. The marriage the last 2 years had become complacent much like most long term marriages. My W went on a cruise the week before Thanksgiving 2016 with her sister and her sisters family. I stayed home with our S13, allowing them to have a so called "sister trip". Needless to say two days into this 4 day trip my W cheated on me with one of her sisters cousins. A man who just happens to be married with 3 children of his own. The remainder of the trip the two kept sneaking around and having sex. Afterwards my W returned back home to TN, while this married man returned to his own family VA. From the moment my wife returned home her behavior had totally changed. Initially I thought nothing of it. But over the next few days, it seemed that she would go out of her way to start arguments with me.

It took another week for me to start to notice that she would be up late at night texting and messaging. Not to mention in the evenings, I would walk into the room while she on the phone. And suddenly she would getup and completely move. Even when talking to mutual friends of ours who apparently she had confessed the cheating on the cruise to. After becoming curious, I found a message on her phone to the AP in question. The message pretty much was her telling him that she had zero regrets about what happened between the two of them. And that she intended to leave this marriage. Regardless if he was still married, she still wanted to [censored] with him, but not at the moment due me becoming more and more curious. Instead of yelling and waking her up. I went through the phone and took pictures of as many text as I could for proof of infidelity.

The next night I confronted her after giving myself time to calm down. And she admitted to cheating on me. W said that who it was with and when wasn't important and wanted a Big D. At the moment she had no clue that I knew who it was already, so I kept that information to myself. Over the next 48 hours, I went through a series of emotions that goes against the 37 rules, which I wish I had known about back in December.

The AP had plans to sneak into town on December 4, but apparently backed out and called off the affair after my W told him that it was to risky. After getting hold of his phone number, I called him telling him to no longer contact my wife or I would make contact with his. He agreed and we left the conversation with that. Three days later, I discover that my W is messaging the AP again. So I decide to contact his W on December 8. Apparently this man is "Serial Cheater" according to his wife who has a habit of sleeping with married women. These women eventually leave their H to be with him, but he never leaves his own W or tends to always return back to her. His W confronts him with some of the evidence I shared with her about the PT. And on December 11 AP calls threatening me about telling his W. I hang up on him initially a couple of times telling him I won't talk with him until he calms down. During this period AP contacts my W telling her that I know his identity and everything else. Fast forward past his yelling AP and myself come to an agreement that he would not contact my W and I wouldn't contact his. AP then told my W not to contact him in any way.

Life was a little rough over the next month and half, W still wanted a Big D. But we were actually starting to become friendly. Also during this time we still have an active SL. But in February AP contacted my W apparently to see how she was doing and to say that things were back on track in his marriage. From what my W tells me they agreed to be friends and have been contacting each other secretly. They act as if its innocent, but I have seen messages of flirting and my W sending sex poetry she has written about him. By this time, I discover the DB site and decide to handle things a bit differently. I had already decided to GAL on my own back in early February, so I was already on the right track in regards to that.

Not sure if it was a mistake or not, but I informed AP W that our spouses were back in contact with each other last week. Told her not to say anything about me telling her. Later that evening, I found out that my W and AP were no longer friends on FB or IG. My W was acting a bit bothered that evening. My guess is that my W is figuring out that when it comes to her AP choosing between her and his W. His W wins every time, while my W is willing to lose everything for "Serial Cheater". Things have been going well, but W still wants a Big D. Part of the issues in our marriage was neglect on both our parts. So the advice to stay away in my opinion would just be the same as usual in her mind. Giving her space has worked, because now she goes out of her way to seek me out. But if I want to show her that I have changed. I seriously need to find away to be more affectionate. There is no issues with her wanting to have sex with me several times a week, but if I want to avoid a Big D, there has to be other forms of PT. Welcoming all advice.


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I want to say that I didnt mean to offend you earlier, if I did. My point was not to call you out for having these opinions and saying it's a terrible thing. I get that there is sometimes a need to vent, especially when we hear or read things that are untrue, exaggerated or just cruel from the WS. This IS a safe place to do it, and I, for one, am not judging you one way or another.

My point was more to you to have a chance to reflect on the words. You said:

Originally Posted By: Tread
I'm not going to around telling my W that she lucky to have me, because nobody else wants an overweight woman.


If theres one thing Ive learned, it isnt about words, it's about actions. If you THINK that shes lucky to have you or if you ACT like you arent attracted to her, it makes you seem self-righteous, arrogant, entitles, or any other number of adjectives. If she can sense these opinions in you (even non-verbally), then it could lead her to feel or act any other number of ways.

Im not saying it's your fault for the affair. Thats on her and her choices. What I am saying is that if she felt less attractive or something, it could have been an atmosphere where she sought that attention or desire from whoever.

This is a place to learn and grow. One other thing Ive learned is that if someone says something that stings, you should take that opportunity to look at why. Usually it's because theres some truth to it.

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This has nothing to do with stinging. My issue is that people are bringing up something that isn't an issue. When I have actual issues that I'm dealing with and trying to get addressed. Her not getting attention from me didn't involve weight. Like I said, I vented. Prayed about the venting and what she said about me. And kept it moving. I wasn't even thinking about it until people decided to make it more than what its was.

I'm not going to answer the same thing numerous times. For the last time, I don't think that she is lucky to have me, because of her weight and past issues. And I don't act like it. My issue with her was treating me like was less than. When I have been there through it all with her. Even when family had abandoned her and didn't give a damn. I'm not demanding a thank you. I'm her H and that's my duty to do so. But I don't deserve to deal with disrespect. I've already addressed how me and my W got to this point. And if she feels that her weight is an issue for me, then its in her head. And not based on what I've done.

And who knows that might be the case with her. Because apparently I'm being judged by my W on some issues that are in her head that I have never said. But yet I'm wrong, because she thinks that I am thinking of certain things. When I haven't. And I believe that she is starting to realize that through conversations we've had of late. I just feel that there is no point in addressing a nonissue here any further. And people are somehow missing the issue that I need addressed at this very moment. No hard feelings at all. But I've learned my lesson to no longer vent. I'll just keep it in my journal. Just going to stick with stuff that keeps things going in the right direction.


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I have a question in regards in being secretive to where I am going to GAL. My W whenever she leaves tell me where she is heading. And if ahe deviates from the plan or running late will call and let me know. So when she asks where I'm heading I try to be very vague. But when she continues to push, I kind of feel that the right thing to do is tell her. Because I don't want her to start acting secretive again based on my actions. So how should handle this situation?

Also I notice that whem I make plans my W tends to have a way of interrupting them or somehow cutting them short. For example this morning, I went to yoga downtown and afterwards did some running. Afterwards I planned to go to the library and finish up the DR book. But during the middle of the run my W called wondering if I was almost finished. So asked her if there was something that she needed. W said that she needed some stuff from Lowe's. She lost her card early in the week, so I have been having to pay for purchases. So I told I would return to the house after my run. Now I could have told her that I would go with her much later after the library. But I'm trying not to be neglectful and appear to put other things ahead of her needs. But I am wondering if I should just make her wait and make her working with my timetable?


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Lately I haven't seen any signs that my W has been in contact with the OM. Either that or she has found a much better way of covering her tracks. Her attitude towards me has also been more caring as well. How do you know if the EA has officially ended? I know the OM ended comm unication a few week's ago after I contacted his W. But clearly that didn't means would really come to an end.


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Thread

She an addicted, it will take more then a few weeks to break the OM spell on her. Don't let your guard down, your M is still under threat.


Me: 40 W: 36
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ILYBNILWY
EA happened.
PA happened.
June 2016
trying to piece our M and life's back together...
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Blueboy,

I figured as much. The first time OM ended contact she was upset for a while. And just when things started to seem like the fog was clearing, communication began again. It seems a little different this time, not sure if all the counseling she getting makes a difference. But I definitely won't let my guard down. I definitely need to know what inspired you to just risk everything to keep your W? Not sure if I'm quite bold enough to make that move yet.


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Is there a reason not to tell her where you are going? You can still be fairly vague, like "running some errands, then to work out."

What has worked for me is when she asks again, I just repeat what I've just said. She gets the hint, but in your situation, you may need to be overly transparent if you want her to continue to be transparent as well.


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Jim,

You make a good point. The rules indicate that I should be vague. But since my W is transparent, I will continue to do the same. Nothing to hide, just trying to come off as mysterious I suppose. Thanks.


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I would say just be cautious. It appears from so many of the stories I read on here, that you can't trust her yet. Its her actions not words what would have any real meaning and even then you would still have to be cautious. Keep doing what you are doing and do not read too much into anything yet.

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