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#2741440 05/01/17 08:38 AM
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Hi,

New here. I'll do my best to keep the details on point:

Two guys, married, and have a child.
Moving towards 15 years together.

About six months ago, my husband reveals the beginning of an emotional affair. He had been acting strange around me, and I thought he was mad at me, and I asked him about it. He told me what had happened, and he was feeling terrible about it.

Moving forward, I'm trying to figure out what to do. At the time, both of us want to work on the marriage, but he was infatuated with this guy. We talked it to death, and finally I told him to just go meet him because I cannot control him. I didn't like it, nor did I really want it to happen, but at the time, it felt like the right thing to do. I came to realize, and I told him, my bigger issue with things is that I need to be able to tell him no to something in our relationship and have him accept that. It was really the root issue that was bothering me. Besides, he was also promising that he'd go out of town, meet the guy, stay within boundaries I could accept, and then come back and work on the marriage and cut the guy off.

He comes back, we talk a lot. In the midst of this, he tells me he he doesn't have any romantic feelings for me, he's not sexually attracted to me. He tells me I'm very attractive, but he doesn't have it for me. He questions if he ever really had it. We agree to do therapy, but he doesn't know what the future holds and what the relationship will look like in the future.

Well, long story short, he came back. He cut him off. Then he brooded, and I expected this. About a week later, they broke down and started talking again. Then, within maybe two weeks, another trip is planned. He went down there, and they had a lot of sex. He told me it was going to happen, and he knew it was against my wishes. This trip happened just after our first or second? session with our therapist.

I've tried to figure out a way to make this work to allow him some space and see what happens with this affair, but about a week after he came back, then he dropped the bombshell that he doesn't want to be married to me. He tells me that he's in love with this guy, and he's the next step.

Basically, I feel like he's rewritten our history and the good times we've shared together. He's lost weight, he's feeling healthy. Lots of changes in his life that to me make me think mid-life crisis.

I've backed way off. In therapy, the therapist is trying to get both of us to give just an inch that it could go the way the other sees it going. I'm willing, and I think he's finally willing. The thing that is so confusing is that I'm now working on my life, improving myself and my social life, etc. I'm taking action and have been for a few weeks now. Therapy has been good, and my husband has taken notice, and he tells me since the day he dropped the bomb on me that he's really enjoyed being around me and likes me. It's been a great few weeks to him.

As for my side of things, yes, it's been a good few weeks, but I'm trying to stay on track. He's still talking to this guy. I got pissed the other night because he's talking to him on the phone in our home. He doesn't have the resources to move out, and his idea is that we put a second bed in our son's room where he would bunk up with him for now. I'm trying to not be a controlling jerk, and I'd intended to bring this very item up in our next therapy session. He texts the guy all day. I can cope with that, but I hate hearing the phone calls. If he wants to do that, it can happen after I've gone to bed and closed the bedroom door. We still sleep in the same bed, no sex though. Not since his last trip. We were talking about something he brought up, I don't remember what, and then a call came in. He asked if he could take it. I told him whatever, I don't care for it. He cancelled it. I told him to just take it and I was going for a walk. I told him that what he's doing is really s***ty. It was late, but I needed to get out. He asked me to text him periodically so he knew I was OK. I told him OK, then left. I walked a very long walk and texted him the neighborhood I was in. I went to one of our favorite Martini bars. I ended up talking to a couple of guys there. To answer the question right away, no I didn't do anything. I wasn't out for that. I was out to just have fun and be social. This is one of my traits that bothers my husband. I'm human, and there are other attractive people out there, but I know what I want: my husband, and our son together as a family. To be honest, right now, I think it'd had made him happy if I'd actually gone out and messed around. That's the messed up thing. He really likes me, and he's not completely lost his mind. He genuinely cares about me and wants me to be happy, but this feeling like he wants me to have fun, but maybe with different motives is a little sickening. Essentially, I think he likes seeing this stuff because he wants to know that I can move on.

I didn't initiate any texts with him that night other than the first to let him know what neighborhood I was in. He sent one about an hour later asking if I was on my way back, it was about 10:30PM, and I told him not yet, and that I'd probably be taking an Uber since it was late. I didn't tell him where I was, but he could easily use GPS to locate me if needed (turns out he doesn't know how to use it). I stayed out until 2:30, when I was walking up to the house, I got a text from him asking what's going on. I simply told him I was walking up to the house. He asked if I had fun. I did. I told him that. I didn't go into great detail. I told him where I went and that I hung out with a couple of guys and came home. That was Friday.

Come Sunday night, we'd been watching a show together that was very emotional. He brought up how it's weird when we were married (still are, but calling ourselves separated at the moment), he wouldn't want to show emotion, and he'd be annoyed by me being emotional about something like the show, but now it's different. He brought up stuff about Friday night and wanted to know how I felt about it. I told him the truth. I told him I'm not going to chase him. I told him I went out to have fun, and I also wanted to irritate him. I explained that he's had all the control in everything, and in working in therapy, whichever way it goes, there will be boundaries and restrictions set. I reminded him of how crappy his phone call thing was. Other stuff came up, and then our son came up. This is a very touchy point that we'll definitely be working with the therapist on. My husband seems to think that he will be able to run off, but we can still play family after things have settled. We can do holidays together, and it doesn't have to be like others. It can be different. First, I'll say, possibly, but I told him the truth: what makes him think that I want to do that with the person I care about who's left me. I told him I'm very lonely. I broke down. It's a setback. They happen, and I'm just moving forward from it.

I've stopped the I love you's. I've stopped giving hugs. I'm trying to do my best, but I'm very confused with my very confusing husband and his behavior. Help, advice? Ask away. I'm trying to preserve my family. I am trying to do the work. I just need to know I'm on the right path. I am taking care of myself, and I am taking steps to get a life. I'm also in close quarters with the one I love who doesn't love me back in the same way, and it's very difficult to navigate.

Thanks,
TIP12

TIP12 #2741444 05/01/17 08:59 AM
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Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2741576 05/02/17 06:46 AM
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Job,

Thanks for the reply. I've read DR. I've also have already been reading a lot of the threads you pointed out. By no means have I read it all yet.

Right now, I'm just very discouraged. I'm taking care of myself. I've got some people in life who have to be aware of what's going on because of our son, but their concern spills over to my husband and makes him concerned that I'm changing for him. I'm changing for me. I do think my H is going through some kind of MLC.

In the mean time, yes, it does mean that I have to make the decision of how much I want to allow him to walk all over me. That's my decision to make. I'm a capable adult, and I'm not losing my mind or in some state of mind that would cause me to be harmful to myself.

Where I'm at in the current moment is trying to figure out how to navigate my life while I live with my H and unrequited love. Starting this month, he plans to pay me for his half of expenses, and his fair share of expenses that are a result of things for his own sole use. He will continue to remain with us in our home, and he plans to save money to make another return trip to see his out of the country boyfriend. At least this time around, if he manages to do this, he has to do all of that on his own.

I guess a big question I have right now, is how, and what kind of balance do I strike with a spouse with who I get along with really well as long as we are separated? Separation being a very flexible term. Essentially, it's like we are living together as really good friends with a kid. My side is a little different because I want more. I am working on detaching in order to help myself. What thoughts/ideas do you have in a situation like mine where you live in a very small home where there's little escape from the other. I have to be there for my son as well, so I won't wander off out of the house. If I go out, I make sure it's planned and known that he'll be home with my H, or other arrangements made. I also am working on taking him with me to go do things more as well. I want to spend time at home with my H, but I also need to figure out the right balance. Often, I'm happy to give him space, but we just don't have it to give in our home, but I feel weird sometimes being there in the evening doing something as simple as watching TV with him, or reading, as if it might be giving him the impression that I'm needing to be with him physically in the room. I do make an escape once in a while to go do something different and take a bath and read. Going out is great on weekends, but it's just not the best thing to do on a weeknight. What are some of your thoughts and ideas? I don't know why, but half the time, he's on his phone, and there are times I'd love to just play video games a bit, but I feel selfish if I take over the only TV like that. I don't want to do it as an escape, I genuinely enjoy it, but I'm also making a point to do things in life that line up with what I value, and what's important to me. Pleasure is part of that, but I just want to be clear, I'm not looking to escape. I'm looking to enhance and become more of me, who I am, and what I'm about.

The other big struggle for me right now is that I am missing the sexual connection with my H. Even though it hasn't been great for some time, it's now totally absent. That's a pretty painful loss for me. He's a bit the opposite of me, but for me, sex enhances my emotional connection. Right now, that probably wouldn't be good, but it doesn't mean I don't miss it. I just have to accept it.

I will keep reading, and I will keep working. I just need some ideas and community support. I already have support around me, therapy, and faith. I've accepted that the only person I can change is myself. I know a lot of the areas where I've gone wrong in the M, but sadly, it's only now that I'm really learning some of the things because he has been very stealth at hiding things that bothered him and made him feel like things have been just ball and chain. It's been incredibly sad to hear him open up for the first time on some items and really talk about underlying feelings, and not just the normal cycle of things that will always be normal argument in a M. I've already changed a lot, and I've made real effort and have turned some good things into habit, but I feel I'm learning as I go along that much of what he's complained about have been surface issues that are worth working out, but I feel many of them really have had little to do with the pain and hurt he's felt inside. When he brought up one particular thing that was mentioned in therapy, he'd wondered about my response, and I think he expected more of a response, but I had to explain myself and my response. The issue doesn't really matter, it could have been anything, but the point was that what he would have to do for us was a lot, and felt like a burden to him. It's also the type of thing he likes to have control over, so he's handled it, and I've had no reason to know it was a burden without him expressing this, or asking me for help. When he brought it up in therapy, I told him I was sorry, and that it made me very sad. I had tears in my eyes. It wasn't something massive or major, but I've realized he withdraws, but it's very stealth. When he asked about it a couple of nights ago, I explained that it was his moment. I needed him to understand that I didn't need to defend myself, or explain anything with regard to what he brought up. What he shared was his truth. Him doing that allowed me to experience the pain with him. It was not my moment. This was his, and I really hope that he gets something from this, no matter where we end up. I felt like for one of the first times, there was an openness from him I've never seen. It allowed me to show my deepest emotions to him, but I'm incredibly sad that I now realize, he's probably gone most of our relationship holding things inside because of his views of marriage and that the things that he felt were just normal and you just deal with it. Even as I write this, it reminds me how much I still care. If he'd let me, I'd be happy to just hold him tenderly. I don't want to control or fix him. I want to be the one who can inspire him to become the best of who he is. However, right now, I am stepping aside and allowing him to take his journey. We'll have to see where it ends up.

-TIP2012

TIP12 #2741601 05/02/17 09:55 AM
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Sorry you are in this situation. I think the main thing you need to do now is work on GAL. This will help you with a lot of the emotions you are having. You need to work on you while he plays out this affair.

OwnIt #2741611 05/02/17 10:26 AM
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Hi and welcome to a supportive group of people.

I have a live-in MLCer who has not not moved out and at BD, my kids were 9 and 11. So, I understand your questions about carving out a life within your own home. Plus, for the time being you have a child that you'll need to help along through all this. So, GAL will look different for those of us w/live ins and kids. You can't go off leaving your kid behind with a parent that will become increasingly neglectful and selfish. We need to create a good homes for our kids.

Make the changes for yourself and make them permanent. I began by playing music, baking and lots of board games with my kids. I did GAL within the home. A few years later, as my kids grew a bit I took up/returned to more hobbies: hiking, tennis and lots and lots of walking. But in the beginning I focused on creating the best environment for them.

My h moved into a spare bedroom and recreated his childhood home. Seriously. Your h may try to do the same within your sons's room. I am not so sure on him bunking up with your s. I don't think that is fair to your child. These are your h's issues. I would discuss that with your therapist. Think of long term impacts on your child. What happens when your son starts having friends sleepover? Help your s learn healthy boundaries.

I treated my h as a house guest and lived as normally around that as I could.

As for past marital issues, everyone has garden variety problems. Adults discuss issues as no one can mind read. Sounds to me like your h has weak coping skills which is a hallmark of MLC. Some of what you "hear" from a MLCer is him/her talking to authority figures from childhood. It's weird, I know, but I have witnessed it first hand. And prior to this I would have scoffed that MLC was real. But, walking this road and seeing what I have seen, trust me, MLC is real. The roots of it are depression and unresolved childhood issues. These are people who were emotionally stunted.

It is not you. Sit silently and watch. You will see unbelievable things as your h becomes the opposite of who he was.

Fake it for your kid. Focus on a good home for you two.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2741641 05/02/17 12:51 PM
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Thanks guys. I am GAL. Fortunately, my H is actually a good dad. Without explaining the whole scenario, we also have a lot of support around us that allows for me to GAL without him feeling abandoned.

I'm making a point to spend more time with him as well. The weekend evenings are where I'm apt to go out. However, I'm also thinking of finding some weeknight things to do with my S. I'm not going to make a thing of it if I do find some weeknight things to do with him, but my H will be welcome to join, but he'll have to initiate and ask if he can go, or if I mind him tagging along. He genuinely cares about our son, so I'm not going to do this to turn our S into a pawn, but my H and I actually get along really well, and we are good with our S together.

TIP12 #2741679 05/02/17 02:57 PM
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Hello TIP12,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.

It seems like your H has the best of both worlds. He is able to communicate and enjoy his PA without any consequences. Rewriting your history is common in these situations. Focus all of your time, effort and energy into being the best TIP12 and Dad that only a fool would leave.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Cristy #2741891 05/04/17 06:51 AM
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Cristy,

Thanks. I called yesterday, and I'm considering it. I'm trying to figure out finances right now. Everything is now split, and credit was just paid off, but it's tight at the moment trying to build up the age of money so I at least am not depending on the card to get through the month having the cash before the expenses, not after. Basically, I'm trying to get to the point now where it's not paycheck to paycheck. This might be the first month in seemingly forever where this might be possible.

I'm just a little torn. My H is confusing, and he seems absolutely clear as to where he stands, and I believe he's serious. I'm considering a 3-session package, and I'm already implementing quite a bit of what I know I'm going to hear. I think where the coaching can be helpful along with our couple therapy is navigating how to do it with the live-in situation and setting the proper boundaries and detachment.

In spite of what's going on, I've been really working a lot on me, for me. He likes it, and I can see that. I do also see that he likes me more right now, but it's in his kind of off to the side way, as in it doesn't really change anything at the moment. In saying that though, these changes are for me. I'm doing this work for myself, and it will benefit whoever I'm with, period. I'm not taking on anything that is short-sighted and I'll drop the moment something changes one way or the other.

The last few days, I've felt really good, even when I see stuff happening right in front of my face. It's not been blatantly rude what's happening, but in spite of it being right in front of me, I haven't been walking around faking a smile or laugh, it's been genuine, and it feels REALLY GOOD!

-TIP2012

TIP12 #2741910 05/04/17 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted By: TIP12
Cristy,

I'm just a little torn. My H is confusing, and he seems absolutely clear as to where he stands, and I believe he's serious. I'm considering a 3-session package, and I'm already implementing quite a bit of what I know I'm going to hear. I think where the coaching can be helpful along with our couple therapy is navigating how to do it with the live-in situation and setting the proper boundaries and detachment.
-TIP2012


Hello TIP12,

Even though your H is convinced about where he stands now, that doesn't mean he will feel that way forever.

You are so smart to recognize that the coaching will be helpful in navigating how to deal with your live-in situation and setting proper boundaries and detachment, with the goal of reconciliation in mind.

It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you and your son. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.

I'm looking forward to speaking with you soon.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004




A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Cristy #2741949 05/04/17 01:32 PM
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Hi

Im sorry for your pain but you do sound like your catching on quickly

How old is your son?

My XH lived home for the first few months and I remember it being difficult
After he moved out, he would visit frequently our 2 kids and we talked and became friends
They say if the separated spouse lives at home during the crises, there may be a better chance of reconciliation but it takes a long time
Best to continue Gal creating activities for yourself with son and around sons activates
it gets easier in time
and you will understand more later on


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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