But that is SO MUCH EASIER IF HE'D JUST GO DARK, like it used to be. Then I'd have no hope. But this little stringing along crap, bit by bit.... I'm not good at this.
2x4 incoming.
But you can be.
You recognize that you have expectations, and those expectations will trip you up. You didn't recognize that your hurt feelings about the concert were yet another expectation.
Look at the language you use: "stringing along crap." That tells me you're in victim mode and you assume some sort of motivation on H's part to trick you and treat you like a fool. And, honestly, Leah, I don't see any of that happening and I don't know why you'd want to put yourself in that role when that doesn't seem to be happening.
I give you so much credit for being in touch with H and holding it together. I've been reading more about MLC and the process, and it strikes me that you're where the piecers are, and it's been said it's one of the toughest parts of the journey. When you "see" that person that you knew and loved, and they're sort of there but not really, but they're reaching out without any sign of regret or commitment. And that makes the LBS want to rush and push and pursue, in a "get over it already and come back" effort. But that's the single worst thing to do because it reverses the process.
Your H is on a journey, just like you are. You seem to have some self-esteem tied into him coming back to you, to "winning." (No judgment, I think we all feel that to some extent) And I think that you might do well to examine what that's about. Why, when you, Leahsue, are good and a full person all on your own, is this one person the answer to your problems? I know you love him, but he's not the answer. You're the answer. You create your happiness.
I'd also recommend that you read more about piecing, because I think that will help you find the balance that you need. Pursuit and distance, too. When you get anxious and hurt (because of those pesky expectations), you seem to pursue, which only makes him distance. Remember that you are the prize and he needs to be pursuing you and you can't get to that dynamic unless you create some distance.
Go read your H's words again: "This is so much more than a concert." He places importance on this, too, but he's not quite ready for what you want, for whatever reason. He's still cooking, and you can't rush it.
Keep moving on without moving on. Move forward, but leave the doors behind you open. Don't become so tied to the idea that he'll come back, as difficult as that is. Becoming tied to an outcome alters your choices and behaviors in the present, and you might subconsciously create exactly what you fear.
No matter what happens, you're going to be okay. Even better, you're going to be happy. Can you believe that, really and truly?
Oh Cadence, your words ring SO TRUE. They brought tears to my eyes. I feel like you can see straight into my heart and emotions. I'm going to read this post many more times, I'm sure, "and ponder these things in my heart." I'll write more later.
I bought my own LAWN MOWER today. LOL. Tired of paying out the nose for someone to half do it. I've never used an electric mower, but I do not need the stress of a pull start thingy. (I did ask H's advice about brands, models, etc. before I bought. He texted me right back and said let me look online. Then he sent the links to the 2 he thought would be good for me to handle. So that was nice of him.) I can't wait to get out there and MOW! I love my yard and flowers. They bring so much fresh hope. It's hot as crap today though, feels like July weather. And very humid too.
How are you holding up?
Tryin, thanks for the encouragement!! I love this place. Always a shoulder to cry on, and the occasional 2x4.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
You crack me up with the "pull start thingy". A few of my yard tools are electric because the pull start thingy can be a pain in the arse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sure I might hear from all the manly men about only using twin-cycle engines and blah blah blah.
KISS method works too!!!!
Hope you have a good one.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Just a little update and admitting that I have completely gone off the rails in DB. I never detached. I tried to, and I think I was getting there. But then he started to slowly begin to call, text, plan to visit, etc. and that's where I fell off the wagon. If I'm honest, I think I started to believe, IN SPITE OF WHAT EVERYONE ON HERE SAYS AND I KNOW TO BE TRUE, that he would come for a visit, and BAM, it would all be fixed. I was totally tied to the outcome, and full of expectations. How's that for anti-DBing? Sure enough, just as predicted, he's begun to distance himself again. I wanted too much, too soon, from him, and he doesn't have it to give. I feel sadder today than I did back in January when he left. Because now it feels like I've lost him twice. So starting today, I will begin again. This time, I will move forward in truth. I will acknowledge that the old marriage is over, and I will believe that. I will acknowledge that his feelings for me are not what they used to be, rather than holding onto the belief that they in fact are still there, just hidden for a time. They are gone. He has done nothing but be honest about not giving me false hope, and yet I have held on to hope in spite of that. I have to accept that this has really happened. I feel rejected, yet again, and it's no one's fault but mine. You friends have warned me over and over, and still I had expectations. I want to be loved again. I want this feeling of major rejection to go away. I want to stop feeling so sad. And all these things take time. There's no shortcut. And that's what I wanted. So I will go back to the beginning of DB, and this time I will work my way through with honesty to myself, not for any outcome except a healthy, peaceful me. Right now, I have to learn to let go of my love for him, my anger at him for rejecting me, and my secret hope that he will "wake up" and things will be good again. This hurts so much.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Hi Leah. I was thinking about you and wondering how you were doing.
I think hitting the "reset" button is a great idea. I'm glad you recognize that you had expectations and wanted a shortcut. I really give you credit, because I think being in touch so frequently would breed expectations.
I see you saying "rejected" and I think you should dig into that. Did he reject you? Is this about you, or is it about him? Is there something in your past that leads you to fear rejection/abandonment? Really think about that.
I say the above because I really identify with you. We anxious/abandonment-fearers tend to pair up with distant abandoners because opposites attract. I think if there is a real connection, the only way to stop the pattern is for the anxious partner to become less anxious and more comfortable with distance and uncertainty. Only then will the abandoner stop running.
The frequent communication with your H meant that you didn't have to work on your anxiety or your fears of abandonment. I'm not sure where you go from here, because we've got to see what H does. But for you, I would work to become comfortable with distance and uncertainty. If he gets back in touch, be available, but not as much as you'd like. Create distance. It is your friend, even though it feels like an enemy.
And instead of letting yourself repeat negative messages to yourself about your worth, start questioning those statements. If you're an incredibly positive person, why is it okay with you that you talk so negatively to yourself? Those things don't mesh. So what is up with the "stringing me along" and "rejecting me"? Where did those come from? Are they true, or are there parts of you that are forcing what is going on into a certain narrative that proves your worth (or lack thereof)?
This is an opportunity to leave those parts of you behind. Learn to love yourself and be your biggest advocate. Treat yourself kindly, and every time you tell yourself a negative message, stop and replace it with a positive one.
Because, truly: there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and you are worthy of being loved securely. What is happening is not about you. You paired up with your opposite, and maybe while you're working on yourself, he'll be working on himself, and maybe you'll meet in the middle. And if not, you're in great shape to meet someone with a healthy outlook on life.
The above are all things I'm working on for myself, too.
Leah, I'm glad to hear that you are recommitting to the work for yourself. Stop beating yourself up. We all screw this up. I had some very less than stellar interactions this weekend after finally having face to face communication. I also have to start from scratch.
Cadence, are you a counselor? Every time I read your posts I get that impression. I saw my relationship in everything you posted there and your calming words brought comfort.
I will acknowledge that his feelings for me are not what they used to be, rather than holding onto the belief that they in fact are still there, just hidden for a time. They are gone. He has done nothing but be honest about not giving me false hope, and yet I have held on to hope in spite of that. I have to accept that this has really happened.
Leahsue,
This ^^^^^ is so plainly honest and painful and a truth we all know. We all want the light bulb to go off, the "a-ha" moment, but it just does not work like that sadly.
I wish you well in your reset of things. It happens and we all slip and fall, but it's about how we pickup the pieces and move forward that's important. We're all here to help.
Hope you have a good day.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Cadence, are you a counselor? Every time I read your posts I get that impression. I saw my relationship in everything you posted there and your calming words brought comfort.
No, I'm not. I actually work with numbers, which is as far from counseling as one can get!
I just have an interest in it, both in myself and in general.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
