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That pill is bitter because it is a truth we find hard to accept. We may have failed or may fail, but that does not make us failures. Plus sometimes we learn more from failure than success. That does not make it much easier but it is not all negative.

You and your W have accepted that the changes YOU made were good and improved your R. First of all, that is a huge achievement in itself.But its importance lies moreso on the fact that it proves that this is not about YOU.

Now that we have established that this truly is about her, as others have mentioned sometimes the LBS achieves near perfection and that does not affect the outcome. But it greatly improves your odds.

You are not divorced and the paperwork is just paperwork.It becomes a big deal when you choose it does or when you let it become one. I happy to read you are not spinning about this. I cannot stress how that can improve your influence on W, but also how you get through this in general.

I am also glad you are thinking about what you want to live if she proceeds with D. You need to decide exactly what that will be like for you. Only you can do that. Some people can handle in-house S, whereas others can't.

It's difficult to advise and in the end only you can decide. I suggest keep going as you are, BUT be clear on how things will change if she proceeds. This is not a treat. Don't repeat it. But do state how you see things. I get the impression that W thinks she can determine your R going forward and it will be whatever level she decides. You have a more than equal say in that.

I don't remember your financial situation but if it allows,
iI would tell W that if ye divorce she will need to move out, ye will share custody equally and your only R going forward will be coparenting.

I am against trial separation but some people in your situation have tried that before finalising D.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Gordie Offline OP
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Roist,

Thank you so much. Your words stuck with me all day and really helped: it's just paperwork and it's not about me. I asked myself how I really felt today and the truth is, no different than last week. I still love my w and still want to bust my d. I know I feel that way today. One day at a time.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie Offline OP
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Bttrfly--thank you. I keep re reading that post and saying that prayer.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Posts: 2,605
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End of week update. So besides mentioning d once on Monday morning, w was friendly and warm all week and our interactions have been positive. I think i've been steady but do have moments when I get down about the whole situation. I've been doing very well at work, kicking it at the gym, and been doing a lot more with the kids. Trying to live one day at a time and not get caught up in what ifs regarding the past and the future.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Posts: 2,605
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Gordie Offline OP
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End of week update. So besides mentioning d once on Monday morning, w was friendly and warm all week and our interactions have been positive. I think i've been steady but do have moments when I get down about the whole situation. I've been doing very well at work, kicking it at the gym, and been doing a lot more with the kids. Trying to live one day at a time and not get caught up in what ifs regarding the past and the future.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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yes I think that's a perfect way to deal with this! {{{{{hugs}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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One day at a time my brother. I had to switch to one hour at a time today.

I watched the special on Jack Nicklaus after the Masters the other night...it was great if you are a golfer, but he also talked about being in the "Zone" and how he was super focused and unbeatable when he found the Zone. Maybe that is what we should strive for.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Bttrfly abd SBJ--thank you for sticking with me on this marathon. I can't believe it's been 9 months since BD. As Cali says, I'm still alive. I didn't die.

Weekly update: so on balance it was a good week. My L sent D paperwork to fill out which was a bummer. Doing well outside my situation. And in my situation? Here's what makes this so confusing and heart wrenching: 90% of the time w wants to play married and family togetherness, doing things together and being affectionate, etc.; 10% of the time, its I still want a D. She tells me a different version of what she wants whenever we discuss us. Open M. Get out of the house. Stay in the house. Don't touch me. Make love to me. It's all over the place.

Stay strong good people! If I didn't die, neither will you.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie I think your W is a real head scratcher. I don't know you survive that storm, but thank goodness for your kids you are. I am pulling for you on that marathon!

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Ownit, thank you and all the other good people following along. More of the same this week. We are friendly, help one another, went on our weekly date, are physically affectionate...yet at the same time working on paperwork for D. Roist says it's just paperwork.

It's been 9 months since b d. I've changed a lot since then. I'm a better man. I have changed the two biggest sources of anger and frustration expressed by my w about me: not listening and unwanted physical affection. It's improved things between us. But the other stuff that's not about me, I can't control: her wanting to be independent and free, her fear of aging, her feelings about POM...

I thought I'd be either be d by now or reconciled...but I am neither. I'm preparing for the former but still praying for the latter.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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