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I've been reading a lot about the ILYBINILWY speak i was given 7 months ago, and realize that the 180 is the primary approach, which has been what I've been doing for over 6 months - am i missing something or i am merely too little too late? thoughts?


BD Oct 2016
Me 47, W 43
together 25 years
S 25, D 22
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Originally Posted By: Sjs777
i have not initiated relationship talk and she has neither. Although hard to believe were not married, but common law - therefore there is no formal filing etc for divorce


are you in the US? Regardless, was there a reason you never married? I only ask that b/c some women (and probably some men) feel less committed to OR from their partners without a ring.

Especially when there are children involved too.

Also, I'm no longer a big fan of the term "MLC" versus "WAS" although it matters on occasion.

I realize you are noting that there were changes in her other behaviors, so you assume the MLC

but those changes would also come from someone trying to justify a life change.

As for a parent's death, I've lost both mine and h lost him mom in 2010. Despite how shocked I was by both of my parents' deaths, which came without much or any warning, I do know it's "supposed" to happen. I do realize this is a normal life event.
Besides, I felt closer to h when my parents died.

In our case I don't think the death of his mom played a role. I could be wrong, of course.

As for depression "always" being a factor...well, perhaps. Maybe my H is depressed but frankly, he just seemed meaner to me and more resentful.

And you'd have to believe that every MLCer is depressed ==== as opposed to who? The WAS is probably not thrilled with leaving a family behind either.

So isn't depression probably common there too? Guess I'm not convinced that depression is a diagnostic tool. Nor that we'd always be able to tell.

My h was mad I didn't want to join him in Alaska for round 3, and when he didn't get his way, he pouted and resented. He kept things bottled up for a long time. Then his seething resentments led to him justifying some pretty lousy behaviors.

Is ^^that "depression" or justification, or aggression?

Does it matter?

I think our focus must be on their actions and how much of it we can take and for how long? Not "why??"...

b/c if a man punches his wife in the nose, do we really need to care if it's bc he was abused as a child, or he's a drunk or a raging anger man?

No. We care that his wife is being hit. She must leave...if he has a spectacular transformation and wants a recon, she can cross that bridge when she gets to it...

We must focus on OUR lives and our paths and our choices...not theirs.

I spent over a year of my life asking whether my h was in MLC or whatever else you'd call it when a guy who used to like being with the kids, suddenly chose an adventure over being with them...and has done so, again. I spent so much time asking "Why??"

and it's a year I'll never get back.

Anyhow, I also read that Your dad passed away quite recently and so, my condolences. It is a sad thing to lose a parent. I'm sorry.

As for your options and path to choose, unlike your take on "different" opinions. I don't see much difference in your approach I think your approach really does not vary depending on whether she is in MLC or a WAS. You have to GAL and DETACH (and really, I don't know a way to detach without GAL).

Perhaps your question is more about whether there is hope and if so, how much.

But we cannot know. I don't know enough about your history or what SHE would say if she were here. Or how she has reacted to any of your changes. SOMETIMES I think changes are easier to notice with some time apart. Like weight loss, it's easier to see if you have been apart a few months, than if you are there every day.

But I also know that time apart has its own disadvantages.

I think 6 months isn't very long but I could not manage a "weekends off" lifestyle knowing my spouse was dating, for very long at all.

Bad enough knowing he's dating OW but at least they are 2000 miles away.

So, what can you tell us about your plan, if things end up splitting?

And why is it you never married?

And what would she say if she were here? Is any of valid?

Keep posting.



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Sjs777 Offline OP
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thanks for you feedback, i always appreciate your insight. i really think she is a walk away spouse. I'm committed to applying what I've learned, its more than I'm always reading and growing, looking for new ideas or opportunities

i'm in Canada, as for not marrying, everything was a bit backwards, we had kids, bought a car, rented, bought a house, i was the only one working at the time, before we knew it time passed and it just didn't seem necessary, although i always wanted to

were in a place where we are calm and respectful, it just seems to be a bit stuck, but then perhaps thats progress. as i settle my dads estate i am GAL its just hot road blocks (car died and cost far more than expected - still causing issues - lol), but i have some new friends and am reconnecting with another

a few weeks back she asked me to go to my nephews football team fundraiser and i did.

while i am committed and hopeful i really have changed and want more change - i have a sincere hunger for inner happiness and being the best me. its with that mindset i wholeheartedly accept insight, criticism and suggestions that challenge me


BD Oct 2016
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Originally Posted By: Sjs777
upon further reading i recognize i'm not merely a submissive nice guy, but rather I was with several of her key love languages, too reserved in giving compliments, i often recognize it tougher to do as they appeared in genuine unintentionally, likely because they were not specific enough or said in a more sincere tone.

I'm not clear what this^^^ means. You didn't compliment her much, or sincerely or specifically, or?? So one of her love languages is words of affirmation, yes? This is a relatively easy one to speak in. Be authentic and expressive. And yes, specific.

The taste of the meal she cooked, the time she put into it, how she looks well put together in an outfit, and that she has a good eye for it, you're proud that she's on your arm at a gathering b/c she's so socially skilled, warm, or that she's still beautiful and sexy, sparkly eyes, etc.


Similarly i should have been much stronger in managing finances despite her lack of desire for budgeting, favouring whimsy. as things likely built against us,

okay so here^^ you mention a flaw of yours, in what might be a feigned attempt to "own" something, but then you immediately blame her more...

Avoid the scorecard as much as possible. Because they are destructive and because your w has her own, and on HER scorecard you are not winning. WE all have our own scorecards and we measure things very differently.
Interesting...

So, do you manage money well or not? Are you the breadwinner and providing well, or what?

Does she spend wildly & irresponsibly, or in small but fun amounts (in other words, are you carping about her buying flowers for the home, or a new car?)


she dismissed any compliments but would criticize my lack in making them,
which inadvertently stopped me trying.


so it's still her fault you did not give her words of affirmation?? (How is that "inadvertent? It sound intentional)


Can you list 2 things that you need to work on, without then defending yourself?
It's okay we are all human.

But That's where I'd start. Nothing about HER. Just you. Keep it simple.

Make sense?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
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You are doing good
Keep growing and finding your way
find things that make you happy--new connections and activities
changing the things in you that need and doing this for you
yes everyone reaps the benefits of our positive changes but we do it for us

You will not know how it will all turn out until it does-

it takes quite a bit of time especially if spouse is in MLC or has OM
hang in-you are on the right track


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Sjs777 Offline OP
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25yearsmlc, she complained i didn't compliment her enough. when i started doing it more she actually asked me to stop, so stupid me, i did. she said it made her uncomfortable

as for the finances, i always spent minimal cash on myself and actually enjoyed her buying herself things, what i should have done is been more of a leader regarding financial control as she never believed in a budget

in an odd twist, with my dad passing, i'll likely inherit enough to clear much of the debt, yet i realize inheritance is not to be considered shared assets. not that i wave it at her, nor is she contesting, in fact she very accommodating that way

i also worked with our bank this past week to settle some of the more immediate debt concerns. which also helps should we go our separate ways


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thanks peacetoday


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her criticizing my compliments came more so after BD and approaching it. After BD she said they make her feel uncomfortable but that I should keep doing that for the next woman as she would appreciate it. it through me off so i stopped. i likely shouldn't have been so overt, but shouldn't have stopped. thoughts on reinitiating them sparingly?


BD Oct 2016
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Sjs777 Offline OP
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things i have been working on to improve me; listening, being more fun to be around - more upbeat, showing appreciation, laughing more, smiling more, not always offering advice when should be listening, not being clingy or asking about her whereabouts, beginning to establish financial stability (debt control and driving my career ahead - I've always earned a very comfortable living, but want even more stability to embrace new adventures), making new friends as my wife and i didn't have enough time apart and presently it allows me an avenue for fun playing music again. Ive read many many books, articles and sought counselling. Ive also been tending to some things around the house and yard, but have been challenged in getting my dads house ready for sale


BD Oct 2016
Me 47, W 43
together 25 years
S 25, D 22
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 123
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Sjs777 Offline OP
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i truly do keep things about me and also embrace permanent change and constantly challenge myself to ensure they aren't short term changes. i use her criticisms more as a basis for initial opportunities for improvement. I should mention that I've purchased several online marriage saving programs as well, i know that her exit strategy and the wall wasn't built overnight (i realize that only now through research)

i know I'm missing new approaches and opportunities so by all means criticize me, i can take it lol


BD Oct 2016
Me 47, W 43
together 25 years
S 25, D 22
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