Is it Midlife Crisis, Walkaway Spouse or the End?

[Sjs777]

upon further reading i recognize i'm not merely a submissive nice guy, but rather I was with several of her key love languages, too reserved in giving compliments, i often recognize it tougher to do as they appeared in genuine unintentionally, likely because they were not specific enough or said in a more sincere tone. Similarly i should have been much stronger in managing finances despite her lack of desire for budgeting, favouring whimsy. as things likely built against us, she dismissed any compliments but would criticize my lack in making them, which inadvertently stopped me trying. As i look back it all comes clearer each day, yet, i know I am not that man any longer. My desire is a new relationship not bound by the past but open to a new future. I know she is nowhere near reconsidering. We still live in the same home. Conversations are respectful and often laughing. How do you reignite the romantic spark?

[peacetoday]

Just be the best you can with our overdoing
give her space
work on yourself and work at a friendship if she allows
definitely have to take a leap of faith to let go and not know what tomorrow will bring

more will be revealed
but if it truely is MLC. it usually takes a long time for them to figure it all out

[Sjs777]

yeah, i still get torn between whether its an MLC, WAS or Wayward wife, only to find much of it was counter productive. I am letting go and moving forward, accepting it will be with or without her. I am hungry for learning new ways or things to consider trying. I'm certain the reading, counselling and self growth is far into the thousands of hours. Here's what I'm finding... I feel i know more than I may actually do. Feeling a need to do even more. Ive certainly brought things to a place many months ago where we can talk respectful and laugh together without the old argument habits which developed as things unravelled (in hind sight). Where I think i should consider more is having her do more around the house - i was uncertain whether i should if she is in MLC, yet sense more so that she's a wayward wife. While she is not spending elaborately I wonder whether financial division would be a good or bad thing. I am in no way a vindictive person. We are however working together to pay down some debt jointly so that in and of itself seems reasonable as it becomes much harder once apart.

I certainly give her all the space she needs - almost too much, it feels, as she leaves for weekends and stays in her room much of the weekday

by giving her space, calm respect, and positivity around me, she no doubt is not rushing out the door quite as quickly otherwise - finances play a big part as well, although i never pressure, pursue, beg, demand or plead

I feel Ive stopped the bleeding and now need to take action to reignite a spark, if possible

Ive joined a band, which i used to do years ago (before we met - in fact she used to beg me to stop playing to go see her), and I have been working out daily for the past 3-4 weeks. I'm a little limited with further GAL activities in settling my dads estate and preparing the house for sale. It doesn't help that my vehicle has been acting up and has cost over $3k without resolve

[Sjs777]

its been a few weeks since i posted - my walkaway wife is away for the weekend, as per usual, and its given me some tim to reflect since my last post.

i fully accept i am a changed man and the changes have stuck, yet I've been stuck as things don't seem to reach a next level and i wonder whether they will. i know enough to know that stages of doubt do occur

I'm increasingly accepting of the fact that things may not resolve and that i may move on alone, yet know i absolutely have to feel I've done all i can to try and see if things can resolve despite knowing the rough road ahead. withdrawing does not seem to give me that resolve

i feel i should be saying things such as; i want new relationship, i'm committed to do all i can to make it work, i'm a new man; yet it also feels counter productive and against all the DB'ing I've instilled in myself

any insight?

[ciluzen]

Hey SJ! I applaud the healthy changes you've been making; good work and keep going! It gets easier and more comfortable as you go along and then you'll have another insight and another thing you'll realize needs work...its ongoing. All for the best and on to being a better you!

With that said, this caught my attention:

"i feel i should be saying things such as; i want new relationship, i'm committed to do all i can to make it work, i'm a new man; yet it also feels counter productive and against all the DB'ing I've instilled in myself"

There are two common sayings in DB-land that hold the answer or insight. "DBing is for you" and "actions speak louder than words".

We get so excited about the changes and epiphanies and new-found knowledge we've gained, that we just want to push it in our H/W's face and say "look! I'm a changed man/woman! I'm worthy of you now!". Actually, we were "worthy" all along. Just flawed humans, as they are. DBing is for us; to improve ourselves and to help us fall in love with ourselves all over again. It also gives us better tools to understand and better relate to others. By trying to TELL them this, it really will most likely just fall on deaf ears. They have created an image of you in their head that supports their behavior toward you and justifies the life they are living at the moment. Its a shield...it keeps them from facing their own flaws and doing similar work on themselves. Its easier to cast blame on someone else than to accept your own behavior as flawed. By DBing, we get to face that in ourselves because we are trying to understand what happened; we were forced to examine our behavior. Our spouses simply got sad, mad, crazy enough to run or hide. Much easier, in a way. That's why we leave them to their selves. Without us to be around to blame, the hope is that they have to eventually look at their own behavior and their part in the cause of their unhappiness.

Instead of telling them, "look at me and my changes!", we SHOW them. We show them how we are happy and unaffected by their absence by living a great life authentic to us. Often, this actually brings us back full circle to where we started when they fell in love with us; that person we used to be that we left behind while shouldering the responsibility of being "two". We show them we still love them by being kind (not smothering) despite their behavior, while holding firm boundaries to protect ourselves from angry spew, their own flip-flops, or whatever unacceptable behavior there is.

But try to TELL them? They aren't in a place where they can believe it even if they wanted to. They've told themselves that we didn't love them in order to justify their behavior. Our words are lies; not to be trusted.

Stick to actions; she'll notice. Be consistant, be kind, be unaffected by the things she throws at you, whether its a question, a new look, a harsh word, a crazy action, or an ax (practice ducking). She needs to SEE those changes. She needs to trust that nothing she does will be judged by you or hurt her. She needs to feel safe again. And the consistant part is key; it can only happen if the changes are genuine. Which means, its for you, not for her. If you're only DBing for her, those "changes" are just temporary.

You're right. We all do hit those stages where we're "increasingly accepting" that we won't reconcile or have almost dropped the rope (often thinking we have). But when we actually do, we probably won't notice. We will be living our lives. Authenticly. Without wondering whats up with them and having it affect us emotionally for the day or week.

It will take a long time, especially for those of us who were married for a long time. As I explained to my D the other day, I was married at 23. I was always "intwined" with XH's life or those of my children's for almost all of my adult life. When you think about how much people refer to or call upon the past in day to day stories and conversation, you realize there is no escape from mentioning your spouse or children at some point each day. So, you accept that part of your life, but also understand it was such a big part it will be hard to fully "drop the rope". It will take a looong time. So be gentle with yourself, but don't try to rush the process by telling her about the changes. I've done it. It was "acknowledged" but nothing more. I've found just following the "rules" but allowing him to be heard was a better way to be. We all enjoy being heard, and it is a great way to rebuild trust and understanding.

You can do this, SJ. And I see you're doing well. Just be patient and keep your knees bent. It gets better.

[Westo]

Wow ciluzen......wise, wise words!

[Sjs777]

fantastic response

i realize i may have misspoke. I suppose what I was trying to say was; she leaves for weekends, yet stays home during the week, but very much on her own in the house. i feel distancing only exacerbates matters and while we have short respectful conversations i feel i should be doing something different, something new. I don't share my learnings or methods with her. it seems she may be more disconnected than i thought and she embraces her weekends. she does reach out Saturday afternoons and i keep responses short and polite, but not immediately responded too. this weekend she took an additional vacation day off to extend her weekend away. i sense she stays more for financial ease. i'm all but certain there is an OM, although i have not gone looking for proof.. she recently said she just didn't want to see me get together with so and so... as if she's pushing me to move on. i point to the book "Love Must be Tough" as a point of reference

[Sjs777]

i should also add that i applied the DB'ing principles within 2-3 weeks following bomb drop, i'm sensing i could be fighting a losing battle and may just be easing her departure and almost encouraging her wayward ways

[ciluzen]

I don't think you misspoke. I guess what I was saying was, what she does should not really matter...you can't control it so don't dwell on it (hard concept, I know). You can control you. If she is gone during the weekend, she's gone. Its your opportunity to visit with friends, make new friends, have people over, spend time with kids, try new activities, etc. Have quiet time reading a book or watch what you want. You're single. Let me repeat that. You are single.

During the week, you have a housemate. You mentioned "distancing". I, personally, dislike that word. It makes it sound like you are the one being distant and creating the distance between you. It sounds like an attempt at controlling the situation. Just worry about you, for now. Just set your boundaries and be. Figure out you and do you. Gloriously, happily. I set little challenges for myself each day. Also, if something scares me, I see it as something I might need to overcome. It makes your self worth and growth register off the charts.

It doesn't matter why she stays in the house...she's there. It doesn't matter if there is an OM, other than that if you see proof, big boundaries will need to be set.

You have short respectful convos. I'm curious. Other than "hello" and "nice to see you" or "that shirt really brings out your eyes", are you initiating these conversations? I'm all for encouraging her to talk if she initiates a conversation beyond hello or in response to a nice compliment about something she's done (validation of something within her control); it allows you to practice listening which allows her to feel heard. Feeling heard and appreciated is often a major issue. But beyond that, what are the conversations about? Are you speaking with a pleasant look on your face? Lots of eye contact? Are you asking questions of her? Offering advice? Cutting her off to make the conversation short? Are you bringing up R even in a round-about way?

That's a lot of questions about "short, respectful conversations", but I guess I have a point. It is important what they are about and what role YOU play in them...start, ending, and meat in the middle. Anything approaching probing for info, seeking to control (tone, advice, suggestions), judgement, or prolonging the conversation will send her running. A dour, flat, or callous expression...anything other than "light and breezy" (accepting and warm) will also make her run. Cutting her off for the sake of following the "keep it short" rule, especially if she starts to open up or complain about something...missed opportunity to listen, learn and VALIDATE; something we all crave.

You want to do something different? What are your 180s in the way you deal with her? Sometimes its as simple as eye contact and listening. Once again; its all about the part you play and what you do with it. This is all you can control, so look at what you've done that has worked and what hasn't. Try to remember things she's said...or yelled or cried about. Think hard...was there even a kernal of truth? It might be the start of another 180. You get to be your own psyche experiment!

Look, its not easy. It really does take patience...and the ability to look hard at what's at play in the R. You can point to "Love Must Be Tough". But I think there should definitely be room for love being kind and understanding. People really only leave, if not physically then emotionally or mentally, if they are in crisis. That crisis is from their point of view, as well. We may not see it clearly...they may not either. So we get the lovely job of piecing what works in forging peace from fragmented, emotional clues shouted, snarled or hidden from us in sneaky little accidentally discovered secrets. We can't fix it for them, but we can help guide them by creating a safe, non-judgemental, pleasant refuge and "home". We don't have control over them, just us. So the most loving thing you can do is be that "lighthouse" for when they are searching for a safe place by proving through consistent action that you are strong, calm, unaffected, quietly listening and happily secure within yourself. Tough doesn't have to be stern.

[Sjs777]

while away on the weekend i have been enjoying me time, reading, playing guitar and going out on occasion and recently joined a band - something i haven't done in years

regarding short conversations, we most often have dinner together, and both smoke so we go for smokes together, every hour or so, she often talks about something going on at work or with friends that i know, or we find something to laugh about. on occasion we talk via email or text while at work, usually short and i try to make sure its initiated by her. I'm always letting her finish her words, i'm always positive and easy to be around. I don't probe, beg, plead, convince etc

i have a long journal of her past complaints and positives and have worked through nearly all. the one which resounds is more recent comments when we danced for hours at christmas (i never dance), and after two hours, she said why now, why now, now that its too late. another one which sticks is to grow balls - which I've come to understand as take action - a past example she used was when she's mad and distancing to take the initiate and take her in my arms - obviously not something i cold do today, but a valid comment none the less

i absolutely am kind and extremely patient and have applied most 180 methods, the toughest one being GAL as I'm still trying to settle my dads estate and there is quite a bit of reno's needed to sell the house. we haven't argued in months

i'm always reading and evolving myself, which points to the question of whether I'm let her eat cake and just easing her exit as a walk away wife often has built up resentment over a period of time, she appears committed to her new friends and i don't believe she's all too connected with old friends